02x02 - Rites & Wrongs of Passage

[bunniefuu]

While Al cleans up his little mess,
let me tell you about next week's show.

My little mess?

l think we both learned
an important lesson today.

Never slam the casement window shut

until your coworker
has completely removed his head.

Anyway, when you work like a man,

it's also important to learn to...

play like a man.

Because, after all, all work and no play
makes you just like Al.

Well, this weekend
there'll be plenty of men playing

at the Detroit Area
Scottish Highland Games.

We've invited a gentleman
down to Tool Time to tell us all about it.

Please welcome Mr. Agnes McLain.

- Welcome to the show, Agnes.
- That's Angus, not Agnes.

The skirt threw me off a little bit.

Actually, Tim, lots of
very masculine men wear skirts.

l bet they all find you
very attractive, Al.

l should point out, Timmy, it's
not a skirt. lt's a Scottish kilt.

See there? lt's a kilt, not a skirt.

And this weekend Tim and l will be
participating in the Highland Games

- to promote Project Literacy.
- What a time we'll have.

There'll be jumping, drumming, sheepdog
demonstrations, and the caber toss.

- The caber toss?
- Aye!

lt's part of the Scottish track and field.
Ya grab a big log, ya hold it like this,

ya get a running start, and throw it end
over end, so that it lands in a straight line.

Another fine sport
from the people who brought you golf.

lt takes a lot of skill and strength
to toss a caber.

All right, Agnes, l'm sure it does.
You just take a stick and toss it.

l bet our viewers
would love to see you toss one.

- Al, let's not get--
- Come on, laddie.

OK, OK, OK, OK...
l accept the challenge. Why not?

l work with Al. l feel like l've been
carrying deadwood for years.

See you next time
on Tool Time, laddies.

Well, what do you think?
Can we put the kids in the middle?

Hey, Mom, did you get the notebooks?

Oh, yeah. Well, they didn't have
any Terminator left.

But they did have these two blank ones
and this one.

Mom, this one has a puppy
and a rainbow on it.

lt was either that
or a ballerina and a pussycat.

Why don't you just pin a note
to my back that says,

"Kick me and take my lunch money"?

- l can't take this to school.
- Yes, you can. You can be creative.

You can... you can...
draw a t*nk here at the end of the rainbow

and, like, some fighter planes
dropping bombs on the little puppy.

- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, Dad.

Well, l got 'em. Hardest tickets
in the city to get - front-row seats.

You got tickets to Madame Butterfly?

Uh... l tried, honey,
but they were all sold out.

l got the next best thing.
Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

Truckenstein versus Fordzilla
at the Silverdome!

The biggest monster truck rally
in Detroit history.

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

What will l wear?

l didn't get you a ticket, honey.

House to myself
on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

Evidently your mom doesn't appreciate
the finer things in life.

Hot exhaust noises, mud in our faces,
fumes.

- They put a new Hemi on Truckenstein.
- They sure did.

God, they got a Hemi
in that thing, don't they?

One of those big blowers on there.

A jimmy sitting on top of two
big Holley double pumpers.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just like the carb
we're putting on the hot rod.

Yeah, when are we gonna fit the exhaust?

- We could start it now, if you want.
- Cool.

- Do l get to use the blowtorch?
- Yeah, right.

Then we wait outside
for the fire department to show up.

lt's not like they haven't
been here before.

- l'll get it!
- l bet it's his girlfriend.

- "Oh, Jennifer..."
- Hello.

Well, hello, Mrs. Blackburn.

Whoa. Brad's principal.

Really?
Brad told you that we were in France?

Busted!

ln France?
Come here.

Oh... l am so sorry.

Yes, yes, we will take care of it.

Yeah, bye.

France?

Whoa! Mom can't even talk.

- lt must be bad.
- Come on, out. You guys get out.

Now, come on.
lt's not for you. Go on.

- Man... We never get to see the good stuff.
- Yeah.

All right, what's up?

- You want to tell your dad what you did?
- lt wasn't that big a deal.

- l just had a little fun in the lunch line.
- A little fun.

He took a dissected frog
from biology class,

placed it on a lettuce leaf
and hid it under a Jell-O square.

l was just trying to gross out some kids,
but Mrs. Blackburn cut in line.

- And she ate it?
- Just part of it.

Oh, man! Oh!

Why'd you do that?

George Walker dared me.

He bet l wouldn't have the guts to do it.
He lost big.

Yeah, he lost big and you won.

Tim, what do we have
for our winner here?

Jill, our little frog-lover
will come jumping home right after school,

'cause he's grounded
for the whole weekend.

- Oh, man!
- And that means no monster truck rally.

- Dad!
- That's Sunday.

Um... Sit there.
We're gonna talk about this.

- Talk about what, Tim?
- The garage, come on.

- Thanks for making me look bad.
- What?

"Your mother and l need to talk."

That means, "My pal, the greatest dad
on Earth, wants me to go to the truck rally,

but llse,
the wicked she-mother, doesn't."

- You do this to me all the time.
- Oh, come on, llse.

Brad has been really
looking forward to this.

Fordzilla is coming out of retirement.

Oh, so it's a sentimental thing?

- Exactly.
- Tim, come on.

Our son took a dissected frog
and placed it on a lettuce leaf.

lt's not funny. This is serious.
The principal ate it.

Well, it's a step up
from those fish sticks.

Come on, it's a prank.
He pulled a prank.

- You did this kind of stuff.
- l most certainly did not.

Who was it that put the rice pudding
in Helen Weiss's training bra?

They never proved that was me.

You get my point. We pulled pranks.
This is a prank.

How tough can we be on him?

OK, look, here's the deal.

- He goes to the truck rally.
- Mm-hmm.

But he has to apologize
to Mrs. Blackburn,

and he's still grounded
for the rest of the weekend.

Very good, very good.

l'll tell him he's treading
on thin ice with me anyway

and it's very inappropriate behavior
to put dissected frog parts on lettuce,

unless you have tartare sauce.

- Or a lemon wedge.
- Perfect.

What are you doing?
You're supposed to be upstairs studying!

- Mom, this is Officer Kerry.
- Hi. l'm Mrs. Taylor. Will you come in?

Ma'am.

Um... Tim Taylor, Brad's father.
What's the problem?

Sir. Your son was with some older boys,
throwing bricks at a greenhouse.

They got away, but he was the only one
we could catch.

Was there anybody hurt?

Oh, no. The place has been abandoned
for quite some time,

so l really don't think anyone
will be pressing any charges.

- Are you gonna cuff him?
- ls Brad going to jail?

- Upstairs!
- lt's bedtime, now!

Well, he's all yours.

Listen, l don't want to see you causing
any more trouble, you understand?

- Good night, folks.
- Good night.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Plant your butt on that sofa
and don't even think about moving.

You're grounded, you're so grounded.

Who were these other kids you were with
that obviously run faster than you?

- Brad, come on, answer him. Sit up.
- Just some friends.

Are these the same friends
that dared you to put the frog in the salad?

- lt was Jell-O.
- Don't get smart!

First you sneak out
while you are grounded,

now you're breaking windows.
What is going on?

l wasn't trying to break them.

What, did you miss science class
or something?

You throw a brick at a window,
you expect it to stick?

l was trying to throw it
over the greenhouse.

Oh... he was throwing it over.
Well, that's great.

You are beyond grounded.

No TV, no seeing your friends,
no talking on the phone.

And no monster truck rally.

- That's not fair.
- What do you mean, "That's not fair"?

l stick up for you so you can go.
What do you end up doing?

Coming home with a cop.

l'm going to the truck rally.

- You're going to bed.
- You can't tell me what to do.

Yes, l can tell you what to do -
that's my job. Now, go on upstairs.

And you can forget about
those Fordzilla tickets.

l'm giving them to somebody else.

- Can l bring Billy?
- Aw, shut up!

Whoa, baby! You look great!

You wouldn't be just teasing a gal,
would you?

No, l'm serious. This is real sexy.

- lt is?
- Yeah.

You got the legs for it.
l just wish it was shorter.

The kilt!

- You know, l've gotta thank you.
- What for?

Because now you're the evil son
and l'm the good son.

No, you're the dorky son.

OK...

Let's just say this ball accidentally
shot out of my hands

and broke Wilson's window.

Who do you think they'll
believe did it?

The evil son.

They would not.

Well, hey, l'm not the one
with the criminal record...

who got brought home by a woman cop.

Hey, what's wrong, Brad?
Can't you run faster than a girl?

Hey, cut it out!

Hey, cut it! Stop it! Brad, get up.
You got work to do. Come on!

Hey, Mom. Where's Dad?

Real funny, wise guy.

You feel like doing some work?
You out here bothering him?

Why don't you go get some trash bags,
help us out?

Oh, actually, l think
l'll just go redo my homework.

You're doing a real good job, son.

Hey, pretty cool, huh?

lf l had patent leather shoes on,
l could look up my own skirt. Whee! Whee!

Tell you what, when l get home
from the games,

we'll go put the exhaust slips
on the hot rod. How about that?

l don't want to work
on the stinking hot rod.

You lied to me.
You said l could go to the truck rally.

Does sneaking out and breaking windows
ring a bell to you?

- Why don't you just go...
- What did you just say to me?

- Nothing.
- You just got two more days, pal.

Fine, pal.

You get smart like that,
l'll give you another week!

Hidy-ho, plaid neighbor.

Sorry about that, Wilson.

- l see you're ready for the old caber toss.
- Ah.

- You got a minute?
- Aye, wee laddie.

Well, you see, Brad and l
aren't getting along too well.

He just all of a sudden rocketed
into puberty somewhere.

He's hanging out with older guys,
causing trouble.

He got brought home in a squad car
the other night.

l believe l heard that
on my police scanner.

Wilson, he's, like, the oldest kid.
He's a gearhead, like me.

Just loves this stuff, you know.

And then he messes up and l gotta ground
him the week of the monster truck rally.

- lt's these big trucks out at the Silverdome.
- Oh, yes.

Fordzilla is coming out of retirement.

But l don't think he's any match
for Truckenstein.

Wilson...

lt's just not fair.

- Well, Fordzilla's had his day in the sun.
- No, no, no, no...

- About Brad.
- Oh.

Just gets old enough
to start having fun with,

and all we do is fight.

Sounds like he's caught in the classic
tribal-industrial dilemma.

Oh, yeah.
That's what it probably is, yeah.

He's trying to cross the threshold
into manhood, but he doesn't know how.

You see, Tim, in tribal societies, as soon as
boys show the first signs of becoming men,

they're immediately
initiated into adulthood.

How?

Well, some of the more popular rituals
include scarring,

pulling of teeth, ritual circumcision.

- Brad doesn't even like getting his hair cut.
- Mm...

But unfortunately in our industrial society
we don't have these rituals.

We prolong adolescence beyond
the biological indications of manhood,

confusing the child as well as the parent.

Wow... l thought he was just being a jerk.

- What should l do?
- l can't tell you that, Tim.

Nowadays, each father has to find
his own unique way to initiate his son.

- And?
- That's it.

- That's it?
- Mm-hm.

l gotta be honest, Wilson.
You kind of disappointed me.

Yeah, usually you give me advice
or point me in the right direction,

or at least find some way
of lifting my spirits.

l am so sorry, neighbor.
Tim, place your hands on the fence.

Like this?

Kumbaya, good neighbor, Tim,
kumbaya

Kumbaya, good neighbor, Tim,
kumbaya...

Wilson...

Do you know
"Michael Row the Boat Ashore?"

Michael row
the boat ashore, hallelujah...

This thing is like cherry.
lt's all tweaked out. lt's in perfect shape.

Well, l put a lot of work into her, Tim.

You know, l chromeplated
the valve covers.

You did?

l plasma-coated the block
and intake manifold.

l didn't know
you were that interested in cars.

Well, Tim, you never asked.

l'm impressed. Not a lot of guys
would take the time or the money

to tweak out an
' Mercury Marquis wagon.

My mother thought
it was a nice, safe car.

And roomy.

lt'll come in handy
if you ever get married... or get a date.

They should wear underwear
with these things.

You're supposed to, Tim.

Now, that would explain the itching then,
wouldn't it?

Morning, fellas.

Welcome, laddies.

- Hey, bud.
- l see you got here early.

Yep. Nothing like getting up
at the crack of dawn, smell a wet sheep,

and rockin' out to that music.
Ow!

We got here so Tim could practice
and not embarrass himself.

Al, you worry too much.
What could poss... Ooh, whoa!

- That's a caber?
- Aye, they're foot long.

Seamus there is taking a practice toss.

- Why don't you take one yourself, Timmy?
- Great. Can't wait.

Maybe you should start
with a smaller caber?

Aye, we've got the shorter ones
the ladies use.

l think l can handle a full-size one.

All right.

- You got it?
- Oh, yeah, boy...

Pretty good, chief.

Watch out!

- You need a hand with that, Tim?
- No, no, no...

- l think l got it.
- Oh, no...

Brad, l know we've had
a rough couple of days,

but l'm pretty sure l know what's going on.

Your hormones are rushing through
this industrial-strength tribal thing.

Yeah, right, Dad.

Son...

What l'm trying to say is...
if you need to talk to somebody,

l'm here to listen, all right?

lt's real important to
me that you... Argh!

- Are you all right, Dad?
- Ow! l pinched my finger.

That stupid little vice...

What are you trying to do?

l'm getting the tail pipe
set up for the exhaust system.

- l could do it.
- No, this is man stuff.

You gotta do all the torching
and flame and...

Why don't you give it a shot?

- Do you really mean it?
- Yeah.

Do you know how to
put that helmet on?

- l know, l know.
- Tighten it back here.

All right, turn your acetylene
on the same...

l know, l know.
l've seen you a million times.

OK.

Just relax, just relax.
Just scratch it across.

Ouch. Yeah.

Easy, easy... l've scored the pipe
where l want you to cut it.

All right. Now, don't go too slow
or you'll burn a hole right through it.

lf you go too fast,
you won't get an even cut.

Open up your stance a little bit.

Get down there, start cutting.
There you go.

Good.

Yeah!

l'm impressed.

- Thanks, Dad. lt was really neat.
- Really neat?

lt's better than that, man.
You moved into a new phase of your life.

- l have?
- Yeah.

You just cut metal with fire.

- We gotta celebrate.
- Celebrate?

Yeah...

Come on, Dad, please.

Wait, wait, wait, we can't forget
the ritual anointing of the man-child.

Holy oil, holy...

W , all-weather.

Come on, Dad.
What are you doing?

Come on.
It's part of the ritual.

You're getting off easy.

You should have heard
what Wilson wanted me to do to you.

You're a man-child now. But you're
still a little slow for a little kid.

What did l have, a girl?
l thought you were a little guy.

Come on.

Little slow boy like that? Oh, maybe he was
a girl in disguise, and l didn't even tell it.

See?

Good step today.
Your first step towards manhood - that's it.

Now... finish cleaning the basement.

- We're back! lt was great!
- Yeah, Fordzilla set a new world record.

- So? l cut metal with a blowtorch.
- Yeah.

Dad, you should have seen it.
He ate cars.

- Full... full... full-size cars?
- Yeah.

- Oh, no!
- Brad, we got this cool hat for you.

- Where's my hat?
- Awesome.

Mom has it.

Have fun?

Did you like the seats?
You were right up front.

Huh?

You're trying to say those trucks
are pretty loud, huh?

Not now. l'm all dirty.