02x11 - Abandoned Family

[bunniefuu]

When hanging a light fixture
or heavy mirror,

what's the first thing we need to do, Al?

Find a stud, Tim.

And l think we've come
to the right place, haven't we?

Al, do you recognize this?

Your razor, Tim?

No, actually, it's your razor, Al.
l picked it up backstage.

An electric razor can double as
a stud finder. (razor runs)

No stud there.

Actually, Al's electric razor
can be a stud finder.

lf you listen, the sound of it changes
the closer it gets to a stud.

(finds stud)

My mother gave me that razor, Tim.

Why? Did she go back to blades?

This razor can not only
keep Al's mother whisker-free,

it's a handy way
to find studs around the house.

Well, Tim, l also have
a helpful household hint.

l'm going to show the audience something
you don't ordinarily do with a potato.

You might wanna keep the kids
away from the TV set.

Tim.

Here's a safe way
to take a broken bulb from its socket.

You simply take a cut potato,
jam it into the socket, twist...

And in minutes
you have thousands of curly fries.

- A wonderful snack for TV time...
- Tim. Tim. Tim!

l doubted the razor, but l gave it a chance.
Please do not mock my potato.

You say, ''potato,'' l say, ''stupid.''

Tim, this'll work.

You twist, and pull the broken bulb right
out of the socket. But first, you must...

Jam it in the light.

...unplug the lamp.

(Jill) Well, what do you think?
Can we put the kids in the middle?

( Tim) Well, congratulations. You're now the
Ping-Pong champion in the Taylor house.

- You let me win.
- l didn't let you win.

You got that delicate high slow lob.

l lose concentration
before it hits the table. lt's brilliant.

- Where are all the mugs?
- ln the sink with the dirty dishes.

Shucks. l want a cup of coffee.

Why don't you just wash one?

Mark, a man never loads a dishwasher
till the sink is completely filled.

And besides, l just want some coffee, and
all l need there is something with a handle.

And l think
the moo-cow creamer's gonna work.

(moos)

That's good. That's good.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, honey.

Great news. Mr. Preston -
you know, the features editor -

loved the research that l did
on the weekend-getaway story.

That's great.

He's gonna let me
research next month's cover story.

l get to work for a whole nother week.
l am so excited.

That's great. The cover? You've been
working a month, you're doing the cover?

- Yes.
- What you gonna do?

Tiger Stadium moving?
The new riverfront project?

Compost.

You're not bringing
your work home, are you?

No, it's industrial compost.
Hi, sweetie.

Could be the answer
to the big garbage problem.

Did you not notice
the dirty dishes in the sink?

- l didn't even notice those there.
- But, Dad, you said...

- Eat a grape.
- l'm going downstairs.

What are you doing?

(moos)

Enjoying a cup of coffee.

You're sucking coffee out of a cow.

That way l don't have to add milk.

You're so pathetic.

Listen, listen, l gotta get this compost
research story done by Friday,

so l'm gonna need all the help l can get.
You need to run this house.

(moos)

Not a problem.

l would feel a lot better if you would say,
''l'll do the best l can.''

You want me to say
l'll do the best l can?

Not a problem.

This is a list of all the things
that you have to do tomorrow, see?

Now, this is the dry-cleaning slip,
you gotta pick that up.

Then you go to the grocery store.
Here's the list for that.

Then you gotta make the boys' lunches.

Can you put in some celery sticks,
or carrot sticks?

Jill, they don't eat that stuff.

They just turn into
vegetable missiles in a food fight.

Honey, l'll be able to relax
and work a lot better

if l know that you're back here,
doing everything the right way.

You mean your way?

That's what l said - the right way.

Mom, we need our pants
for football practice.

Oh, no. l meant
to wash those this morning.

That's OK, l'll take care of it.
l'm running things now.

- Guys, let's go wash those pants.
- Uh, Tim, you know,

this is really a complicated deal here.

There's two loads, you know.
There's the dark load,

that needs cold water
and this darker-blue bleach,

and the white load
needs hot water and the white bleach.

And you can't forget
to add the fabric softener.

- What time is practice?
- minutes.

- That load's done.
- Thanks, Dad.

Thanks, Dad.

Tim, where are the boys' lunches?

l only have two hands, OK? l'll load the
dishwasher, then l'll make their lunches.

No, no, no. Honey, you have to make
the lunches and then load the dishwasher.

- What is the difference?
- (bus horn honks)

- There's the bus.
- That's the difference.

- Oh, no.
- Now they don't have any lunch.

Hold on, guys, l got this covered.

- l'm buying lunch today. Here's two bucks.
- Buy something nutritious.

- Yeah, right.
- Yeah.

Go get some carrots
out of that vending machine they have.

Dad, can l have two dollars for Mark?
He's outside, waiting for us.

- Make sure he gets it.
- He will.

Well, at least Mark
won't spend the money on junk food.

Dad, can l have a peanut butter sandwich
for my lunch today?

What are you doing here? l just gave
your brothers your lunch money.

Well, at least
they didn't beat him up for it.

- You're gonna miss the bus.
- lt's OK, honey. Don't worry about it.

l will just give you a ride to school
on my way to the compost heap.

Try not to confuse those two, hon.

Are we gonna make
the gingerbread house tonight?

Oh, right. The PTA bake sale.

Um, honey, l think we may have
to buy that at the bakery this year.

You said you were
gonna make one with me.

l know l did. l'm really sorry.
lt's just that l'm so busy this week.

- Hey. l'll make you a gingerbread house.
- Really?

Yeah. And not just
some dinky little house.

We'll get a gingerbread
full-service truck-and-auto service centre.

- Wow!
- Darn right, wow. Oh, yeah!

Go get your coat.

Tim, honey, don't use
the blue sponge on the counter.

Huh?

The blue sponge is for the dishes.

- The green sponge is for the counter.
- What's the difference?

Well, you're not supposed to use the same
sponge on the counter as the dishes.

- So, the blue sponge is just for the sink.
- No, not always.

When the blue sponge gets dirty, it gets
demoted from the dishes to the counter.

The green sponge gets demoted
from the counter to the floor.

Then l pull a new one out from here.
lt might be blue, it might be yellow.

(barks)

Tim, are you gonna
be able to handle all the...

- l'll be able to handle it.
- lf you can't, l could just...

Look, let me do this my way, OK?

You know, Jill, l think it's just about time
you saw how effective my way can be.

Mark, shall we show her
what's in the garage?

- Why?
- Dad fixed the washer.

Oh, no.

What did you do to my washing machine?

Why is it on life support?

- l improved it.
- Unimprove it.

- Come on, honey.
- lt has lights?

Just for effect, OK?

l have revolutionized the laundry-care
system. Now, stay with me on this, OK?

You're watching TV,
watching a little football game out there...

- l don't like football.
- All right, all right.

You're watching the... opera, and it's
to go, all right? You hear the buzzer. Beep!

Time to add the fabric softener.
You go, ''Oh.'' You don't wanna leave.

You'll miss that fat broad with the horns
and the high notes, spiking the ball, right?

You see what l've got here?
Bleach, detergent, fabric softener.

On timers and tubes.
This adds it by itself, on a time cycle.

lt's about ready to go, right about...

(timer goes off)

l can't believe it.
lt worked. lt actually worked.

As you see, honey,
l've got things under control.

- So have a nice day.
- lt actually worked!

Have a nice day, honey.

And don't sound so shocked.
Mark, Mark! (whistles)

This morning l improved the washer,

this afternoon, l improve the dryer.

- How?
- Oh-ho-ho-ho...

See this? Binford's -amp
high-density electric motor.

Once l attach that to the dryer,
it'll spin so fast...

You know those cowboys on your p.j.'s?
They'll be throwing up in their saddlebags.

- Wow.
- Arr-arr-arr-arr!

l just think
that we have done sheet rock to death.

''Sheet rock to death.''

Doesn't sound like you talking, Al.
That sounds like Maureen Binford.

Well, she is the producer. And l don't think
she wants to do a show on sheet rock.

l don't give a sheet rock
what she wants to do. lt's my...

People, people. Let's gather.

Maureen, there's only two of us out here.
l think we're gathered.

Good. OK...

Let's confab about tomorrow's show.

All set. Tomorrow we're gonna do
sheet rock installation.

Oh, Tim.
We've done sheet rock to death.

- l was just telling Tim that...
- Shut up, Al.

What do you want? To electrocute me
in a lamp again with a potato?

No, silly. We already did that.

But l do think we should devote the show
to more clever household hints.

l'm thinking...

''The Bachelor Corner, with Al.''

Al?

Yeah, you know...

How to get spots out with club soda...

Oh, yeah. Or using vinegar
and water to clean windows.

That's a good one, yes.
Or how to iron with wax paper.

Maureen.

This is a man's show.
We give man advice.

How to pull a nail out of your foot.

What to do with a severed finger.

Men don't wanna know about ironing.

Well, Tim, a lot of men are single.

Yes, they are. And wax paper
between the folds when you're ironing

really does give you a nice pleat.

Thank you, Al. l'll remember that
next time we do cross-dressing day.

OK, well, l get the feeling we're simpatico.
Yes, no, maybe?

We'll do the sheet rock installation.

No, we won't, Tim. Need l remind you?

Producer! (laughs)

(mocking her) Annoying!

- He is such a card.
- Yes, he is.

And he needs to be dealt with.

Are you two through?

Ooh, l almost forgot. Jill called.
She needs you to pick up Randy.

She said something about
being up to her ears in compost. Toodles.

Oh! l never see that.

Now l gotta pick up Randy.
Jill was supposed to pick up Randy.

l'm doing a lot more than my share
around the house these days.

Well, Tim...

marriage is all about compromise.

Give and take.
Understanding each other and sharing.

That was beautiful, Al.

Wanna hold hands and sing ''Feelings''?

l was just... l was just trying to help.

l don't need help on my marriage
from a guy who hasn't been married.

You think l don't know
what it feels like to be married to you?

Huh?

Sharing a workbench
for three long years,

and never having you once
put the cap back on the epoxy.

And don't think that
l haven't noticed

that you squeeze the tube
from the middle instead of the end.

These are just some of the things
l have to take home with me every night.

l don't think we should call your segment
''Bachelor Corner.''

We should call it
''The Alone and Desperate Corner.''

- l really appreciate this, Wilson.
- (Wilson) My pleasure, good neighbor.

Always happy to help out
with a molasses emergency.

Jill's working some extra hours,
l didn't have a chance to get to the store.

(Wilson) Hm.
So you're running the house tonight, huh?

l'm trying to,
but she's not making it any easier.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm. (chuckles)

She just can't stand to let me do things
the way l want to do them, all right?

Because she just won't deal with the fact
that my ways may be different,

but they get the job done.

Well, Tim, sometimes it's hard
for people to accept new ideas.

Well, not me. Thank you.

Well, you're a very special man,
quite like Galileo.

Yeah. Had his wine.

No, no, no, Tim.

l'm talking about
the th-century ltalian astronomer.

He was ridiculed for teaching
that the earth revolves around the sun.

And he believed that?

Tim, the earth
does revolve around the sun.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, yeah, it does.
lt's just we're spinning so we don't notice it.

- There you go, good neighbor.
- What happened to him?

Well, he was threatened with t*rture
and forced to confess that he was wrong.

That's what Jill would like to do to me.

But l'm not confessing anything
'cause l'm not doing anything wrong.

- Tim, that's not the point of the story.
- l don't care.

l'm gonna keep doing things my way
because we're getting things done.

- Thanks a lot, Wilson.
- Tim.

Tim?

Can we talk about compromise?

What is the paint pan for?

Well, l wanna make sure that the walls
of the truck-and-auto service centre

are big enough to handle the big rigs.

- Mom never uses paint pans.
- Do l look like Mom?

On occasion.

- ls the paint pan clean?
- Course it's clean.

l scrubbed it out with turpentine.

- Dad, that's never gonna fit in the oven.
- lt'll fit right in the oven. l already...

Just tip it a little bit
and it goes right in there.

Mom's gonna freak
when she sees the mess you're making.

Don't worry about it.
This is a self-cleaning oven.

Dad, these walls won't stay up.

Would you guys cowork with me on this?

That's why l got
the caulking compound over here.

You can't use caulk,
you have to be able to eat it.

So? We don't have to worry about that.
We're just selling it.

Somebody else is eating it.

Maybe caulk would be a last resort.
Let's try to make the icing work.

Go out to the garage.
Get me some ''C'' clamps and duct tape.

You wrecked it. You wrecked it!

That's what you get
fiddling around with the thing now.

- lt was an accident.
- You did it on purpose.

- Get off me, you little flea.
- Come on, get up. Let him up.

Dad, l can't find the ''C'' clamps.

Whoa, something's burning.

- Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!
- (Mark) Get off me!

- Are you OK?
- Yeah. ''C'' clamps...

- Help!
- What's going on in here?

- Hey, hey, hey! Get off of him right now.
- He started it.

- He wrecked my gingerbread house.
- (Brad) Did not.

- Boys, just go upstairs.
- (Brad) Come on, Mom.

Now!

Boy, you're home early.

- What is happening here?
- Oh, l spilled a little batter.

The oven was too hot,
l think, when l put it in there.

- You used a paint pan?
- Yeah.

Trying to make those walls
big enough for the big rig to get in.

Don't explain. Don't explain.

We'll just scrape it out.
Maybe we can save some of the batter.

- Good, that's it, we'll save...
- Where's my old spatula?

- lt's right over here.
- lt doesn't go over here, it goes over here.

Well, not when l'm doing the cooking.
That's where it goes.

When you're home doing the cooking
you put it where you want it.

When l'm home?

- ls that what all this is about?
- What?

So finally it comes out.

- You don't want me to work.
- Because l moved the spatula?

- You resent the fact that l am working.
- l do not.

Then why don't you do one thing
the way that l ask you to do it?

One?! l've done everything
on your stupid little list over here.

You screwed up everything
on my stupid little list over there.

- l haven't screwed up everything.
- Name one thing you didn't screw up.

Well?

Laundry?

(Randy) Dad! The dryer's going crazy!

Hold on a minute, l'll handle this.
You just...

- Wow! This is great.
- Come on, get off of there, Randy.

- Get him off!
- Unplug it over there.

- You do it.
- Honey, it's just .

Be careful. Aargh!

Here, just stop the thing.

- Stop it.
- All right. All right. l got it.

- OK, look. l'll get this rubber glove.
- All right. All right.

- All right, l'm going...
- Please, honey...

- All right, all right.
- Honey, honey...

l got it!

Wow!

Cool!

l have friends
who'd pay good money to ride this.

- Out.
- Oh, man.

Everybody gets
to make money except for me.

Look there, everything's all dry.

Maybe this is just a sign
that l'm not supposed to be working.

- What do you mean by that?
- Well, we're fighting about spatulas,

you're riding the dryer...

- l don't know that it's worth it.
- But you wanna work.

Yeah, l wanna work, Tim.
But l also don't want the house to fall apart.

l see.

lt's always like that.
l ride one appliance in the garage,

and you get all bent out of shape.

The house isn't gonna fall apart
if you're not here and l'm here.

And, don't take this wrong,
but you don't have to work.

l want to work. We got three kids
we gotta get through college.

- Or a good trade school.
- l like working.

You know, and l'm good at it. l think that
l could move up. l might even be an editor.

But the whole time that l'm working
l worry about what's going on at the house.

And when l'm at the house, l worry about
work. l just wish there were two of me.

Can l sleep in the middle?

Morning, Jill.
Hello there, Jill. Hey.

Fine. lf you don't wanna talk about it,
then l'm just gonna figure it out by myself.

And that, my dear, is the problem.

You wanna do everything by yourself.
There are two people.

The other person here is me.

And you gotta learn how to let me
do some of the stuff the way l wanna do it.

Like giving the boys lunch money?
Burning down the kitchen?

- Riding the thing around the garage?
- Hold on. Back the truck up.

Some of the things
went well today, you know.

Tim, look around you.
You practically wrecked the house.

l'll have you know l wrecked this house
long before you ever got a job.

And l'll be wrecking this house
long after you got a job.

And the kids were dressed,
they had their breakfast, they got to school,

they had their lunch
and they came home and they were safe.

So maybe my way
wasn't that dangerous after all,

and some of the things
did work, didn't they?

- Well, that washing machine...
- What about the washing machine?

- That was pretty cool.
- (grunts) You liked that, huh?

- Yeah.
- (makes monkey noises)

So, if this is gonna work,

then l'm gonna have to
let go of some things.

And make sure
that the smoke detector is working.

- We gotta put a battery in that thing.
- l think so.

And if you're gonna come home early,
give me a phone call first.

Yeah, right.

All right, well, as long as we're both here
together, why don't you help me clean up?

Honey, l think this is the first time
that l'm going to let go of something.

Whoa!

That icing is really bad.

- That's 'cause it's not icing.
- Huh?

lt's polyvinyl acetate caulking compound.

You just weatherproofed
your tongue, honey.

( Tim) l'll sue!

(makes engine sounds)

No, no, no, no, no, no.
We got a piece of artwork here.

lt's crooked.

l designed it this way.

This is a gingerbread truck-and-auto
service centre, after a major earthquake.

Do you actually think
anybody's gonna buy this?

Yes, l actually think
somebody's going to buy this.

Tim, you can't charge $ .

Why? That's what it cost.

Boys, put on your coats
and mittens and stuff.

Mark, are you ready?

Has anybody seen
my good blue sweater?

l did, it's in the...

- What?
- l don't know.

- Brad?
- Gee, l don't know.

l'm ready.

Mark, have you seen
my good blue sweater?

lt's in the dryer.

Thanks, bigmouth.

(Jill) Oh!

Honey, are you OK?

What is this?

Boys, put on your coats
and mittens and stuff.

Randy? l mean...
What is your name?

lt's Randy, Mom.

Well, you are a very special man,
quite like Galileo.

Yeah.

l love his wine.

No, no. No, Tim. No, no, no.

No, l'm talking about
the th century ltalian astronomer.

He was...

a very fat man.