02x13 - Bell Bottom Blues

[bunniefuu]

Are you OK?

You got so much stuff crammed
in that closet, you're suffocating my shirts.

Oh, please.

Come on, buddy.
Don't die now. Don't die, don't die.

Clear!

Clear!

There you go.

You got so much to live for,
you're perma-press. Come on, buddy.

Is it having an out-of-closet experience?

You got too much stuff in here.
You got hats in here.

- I wear all of them.
- Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

You wear this?

I did in seventh grade
when I was Carmen Miranda.

- And you still need it?
- Yes.

Whenever I go to a new grocery store
I point to it and say:

"What aisle are these in?"

Belts, belts, belts.

Stupid belts.
Do you need four red belts?

Listen to you. These are not red.

This is scarlet, crimson, ruby, vermilion.

What I need is a red belt.

I'm telling you,
if you don't throw some of this stuff out,

I'm gonna organize this closet
and get one with more power.

No. No.

I can hear my power tools
calling right now.

"Come on, Tim.
Plug us in, we're ready to serve."

I don't hear anything.

'Cause women can't hear
power tools talking. Be right down, guys.

No. All right, all right, all right.
I'll clean the closet out.

There's got to be
something in here you can get rid of.

Yeah, but I stayed married to it
because of the kids.

(Jill) Well, what do you think?
Could we put the kids in the middle?

Thank you very much.
And welcome once again to Tool Time

I am, of course, your host,
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

You all know my assistant,
Al "add a G, you got 'Gal"' Borland.

Tim, we got lots of letters from viewers,

saying they're very tired
of you making fun of my name.

Tell your mom to stop writing.

I got a question for you.
How many belts do you own?

- Two.
- That's right.

Because men are practical.
We only need two belts.

One to hold our trousers up, and another
heavy tool belt to drag 'em back down.

Right, Al?

Unlike my wife, who's got belts.

She says six are red, even though
she calls 'em scarlet and vermin.

I believe he means vermilion.

No, he means vermin.

One is actually made out of rat hair.

All this week,
Al and I'll be doing our salute...

(tools crash to the ground)

...to toolboxes.

You know, a well-organized toolbox
says a lot about you as a man.

What is it, Al?

- Nothing, Tim.
- What is it, Al?

Well, I...

I was just noticing
how much bigger mine is.

Ooh!

You have to have a bigger toolbox

to compensate
for your teensy-weensy paycheck.

No, Tim. I need a bigger toolbox
because I'm your assistant.

And I need to be ready
for any of your particular needs.

(grunts) Oh, yeah, you do.
Oh-oh-oh.

You're really
shaping up around here, Al.

Well, I have plenty of room in here
for bandages, couple of ice packs.

- Stop it, Al. Cut it out.
- Oh, a tourniquet.

I hope you have
a job application in there, buddy.

- Crutches.
- Huh?

IV unit.

(frog croaks)

Mom and Dad are gonna bust me.

You should've thought of that
before you slugged Mickey Walker.

He totally asked for it.

You mean he said, "Brad, my nose
is too pointy. Can you flatten it for me?"

I'd give anything
not to let Mom and Dad see this note.

Would you give
your Barry Sanders autographed football?

Forget it.

I have a plan.

Yeah? What plan?

Do I get the ball?

No.

But I won't beat you up if you help me.

Works for me.

Now, you won't get into any trouble...

if Mom and Dad think they're signing...

a field-trip release form.

How do we do it?

Well, it's easy. You take the release form,
put it on top of the note, and tape it.

Cool.

- Hi, boys. How was school?
- (Randy) Great.

Nothing happened.

Tim,

what are you doing?

I was gonna reorganize the closet.

No. With a sledgehammer?
I don't think so.

Come on, come on.
Give it back to me. Let go of this.

No.

Before you organize,
you gotta demolish.

After you demolish,
you must call someone to fix it.

I know what I'm doing here.

I'm gonna remodel it to maximize
every square inch of that thing.

Look what I ordered for you
at the Furniture Barn today.

What did you order for me
at the Furniture Barn today?

(whistles)

A Super Goliath modular closet system.

Ho-ho-ho.

Chrome shelves,
tubular steel rods at top and bottom.

All the rivets are hidden, you can't
even see... Matte-black finish everywhere.

It's got seven drawers
in the middle of it.

Tim, I just need someplace
to hang my blouses.

This looks like an offshore oil rig.

Oh, yeah. Just like the North Sea,
where the men smell like fish.

lf, by some slim chance,
we did redo the closet,

this is the one that I would like.

The Lady Lavender
quilted-vinyl organizer?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Come on.

Look, it comes
with ten padded scented hangers.

Scented hangers?

I do not want the closet smelling like
Madame Foufou's Perfume Parlor.

I want it smelling like sawdust...
motor oil... the bottom of men's feet.

- Gotta go.
- No! Wait! Wait!

Wait! Every time you take a sledgehammer
up to the bedroom it means trouble.

You come back here, you little termite.

- Let go of my belt.
- I'm not gonna let go...

I can't ask them now, they're arguing.

Are you kidding? This is the perfect time.
They won't even notice.

How do you think
I got that raise on my allowance?

You are not gonna touch this closet.

Just don't get excited.
Listen to me, please. For a minute.

All right. There's a lot of wasted space
behind this closet.

I say we blow out the wall,
take the linen closet wall out,

put all the linens in the bathroom,
you got more room in there anyway,

put a few wires, lights...
Boom. We've got a walk-in closet.

No, we don't have a linen closet and
we have a hole in the side of the house.

I gave you a chance
to get rid of some stuff.

- Now it is time to swing some steel.
- Hey!

I got rid of some stuff.
I packed a whole box over there.

Oh, really?
The whole box right over here?

- You don't have to look.
- This whole box?

Hello! Hello! Hello!

Look, some stretch pants and a shoe.

- Nice try.
- I'm doing this in stages.

Besides, I know the minute that I throw
away this shoe I'm gonna find its mate.

I think I saw it
on the freeway this morning.

- You're a pack rat, honey.
- I am not.

My mother always said, "Waste not, want
not." Good clothes never go out of style.

I'm pretty sure
she wasn't referring to this!

That's from my fat collection.

You could fit Europe in these things.

See, I have divided the clothes
into three sections.

I have my normal-weight section over
there, then I have my fat section over here.

This is for, you know, after childbirth

- and holidays, and...
- And this? What's this?

The "I have a dream" section?

I will wear that dress again.

No offense, honey,
but you're not gonna get into that again.

- Excuse me.
- Don't, don't, don't, don't...

Are you asking for some trouble here?

- You are.
- Stop it.

- Hey, Dad. Will you sign this for me?
- Hold her hands.

- (Jill) Oh, you have to have help here?
- (Tim) Yes, help me.

- Wait, don't sign that. Don't sign it.
- Why? It's a... it's a field-trip release form.

No, no. They just wait for us
not to be paying attention.

I think I'm smart enough to know

when they're pulling that
"distract 'em and have 'em sign stuff" trick.

What is this tape
down here on this thing?

- 'Cause it ripped.
- It ripped.

This is a letter from
Mrs. Blackburn, the principal.

Aha! Just as I suspected.

Brad, I'm ashamed.
Trying to trick our parents like that.

I suppose
you had nothing to do with this?

Of course not, Father.

Randy, we'll deal with you in a minute.
You get outta here.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Brad, Brad...
- Brad, sit down.

- Come on. Come on, come on. Sit down.
- Sit down.

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, your son
punched Mickey Walker in the hallway."

"I reprimanded Brad, and informed him

that another incident
would result in suspension."

Brad, what is going on in your head?

Looks to me
like the hamster fell off the wheel.

How many times
have we told you not to fight? How many?

- I lost count.
- Don't get smart with me.

You're grounded, three days.
You know that.

- That's not fair.
- Why did you hit this boy?

- Because he was making fun of me.
- That's not a reason to punch anybody.

Why are you angry at me?
It's your fault.

Beep-beep. Back the truck up.

Why is it my fault?

This morning
when you dropped me off at school,

you hugged me
in front of all my friends.

Wait... That is no reason
to hit this Mickey Walker guy.

Yeah, well, Mickey Walker saw
and started calling me "Diaper Baby."

I don't care what he called you.
You're gonna call him and apologize.

Besides, so what?
I didn't give you a real big hug.

I just squeezed your shoulder
a little bit, like that.

What's the matter with you?

Just... please don't hug me again.

Good thing I didn't kiss him.

Brad, tag me.

This is no fair.
I don't have anyone to tag.

That's the idea, brainiac.

- Dad, help! Please, please.
- Tag me, Bone Crusher. There you go.

Now it's time for the evil Chiropractor.

- Hey, no fair! You're too old.
- Oh, low blow, pretzel boy.

Brad! Tag me!

Oh, double-team him, huh?

Now it's time for my ultimate move.

- The Bookends of Death.
- Aaargh!

Ah! Wah! Huh!

Can't get loose, can you? Uh-oh, Brad.
I think we're hugging each other now.

Dad, why do you have to be
such a dork?

I was kidding around.
Come back here.

All right, Dad. Give me five.

Oh, man. That's the last time
I team up with Brad, the Diaper Baby.

Don't call him that, all right?

Come on, Mark.
Let's go make fun of him.

I got a better idea.
Why don't you make fun of each other?

- Booger brain.
- Weenie.

That's more like it.

(door opens and man hums)

- (Wilson) Hi ho, neighbor.
- Hey, Wilson. What are you up to?

I'm tending my tulips, Tim.

- Little late in the year for that, isn't it?
- Well, I'm forcing them.

How? By squeezing their bulbs?

No, no, no, no, Tim.

Forcing flower bulbs
is making them bloom out of season

by growing them indoors in pots.

You know, Wilson...

Brad's going through this thing where
he doesn't want me to hug him anymore.

(Wilson) Mm-hm,
mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.

He's finally reached that age.

It's a funny thing, you know.
He doesn't want me to touch him,

but he'll still wrestle
and roughhouse with me.

Well, that's because throughout history
men have been more comfortable

expressing affection
through combative gestures.

Such as the salute.

- The salute?
- Oh, yes, Tim.

In the Middle Ages, when knights on
horseback would pass by each other,

they would raise the visors of their helmets
to expose their face,

and show each other
that they were friends. And that became...

- A salute.
- A sign of friendship and respect.

In the same vein, the handshake evolved

when men would extend their w*apon
hand to show that they were unarmed.

Or to show they didn't have
a little joke buzzer in there.

There you go, neighbor.

Men's gestures of friendship, and respect,
grow out of competition and combat.

Kinda like when football players,
you know, slap each other on the rear end.

Exactly! You see, Tim,
each man should show affection

in the way that
he feels most comfortable.

Mm.

A nicely-rolled wet towel. Ow!

Well, I myself prefer a warm hug,

but I suppose the slashing sting
of wet terry cloth has its place.

Sure did in my high school.

Of course, only a man who is truly secure
can feel free enough to hug another man.

Yeah, secure enough. Oh, yeah!

To help out our demonstration today,

we've invited the boys
from Bay City back again. That's right.

The guys
from K&B Construction Company.

I want a big round of applause
for Pete, Dwayne and Rock. Let's go!

It's always great
to have these guys with us.

Always great to be here, Timmy.

Well, a little stucco demonstration.

We're gonna put some mud on the wall,
we'll get stuccoing, right?

You betcha.
We used to do this all the time.

- All right.
- Heck, I cut my teeth on stucco, Tim.

Well, learned everything
from Dwayne here.

Oh, no, no.
Pete here is the real expert.

We call him "The Stucco Bucko."

- You dog, you.
- Watch out, boy.

Guys, guys, guys.

I don't know whether you're aware of this,
but that's a combative gesture.

Oh, I was just horsing around
with my little buddy here.

No, no, no, no, no.
It's a good thing. The knights used to do it.

The Middle-Age guys used to extend
their hands to show they had no arms.

Anybody follow that?

I'm saying that's the way
you show appreciation of one another.

- Uh, Tim?
- Hm?

(coughs)

What does this have to do with stucco?

Nothing. But Tool Time's
more than just home improvement.

It's also about male improvement.

I think it's time we took a little time out
to talk about male appreciation.

- Like hugging.
- Oh, bubba.

But, Tim, when you asked us
to be on this show,

you didn't say nothin' about no huggin'.

Well, it's OK for another man
to hug another man, isn't it?

(all) No.

I don't even hug my wife.

That's 'cause you can't
get your arms around her.

Tim, does the word "stucco"
mean anything to you?

Al, Al. Hold on a minute.
Well, then, help me out, guys.

How does one man show another man
he just appreciates what he does?

- Well, you buy him a couple Lions tickets.
- Hey, all right.

- Or let him borrow your truck.
- Good one.

- You could pour beer over his head.
- Yeah, yeah!

And I did not appreciate that.

The point is, there's many ways
to show another man you appreciate him.

And I think, if you're secure enough, you
can give another man a manly squeeze.

Al, how about a hug?

I don't think so, Tim.

Come on. Anybody?

What? I'm the only secure man here?

Guess so.

Aw, heck. I'm secure.

- I appreciate you, Timmy.
- I appreciate you, Rock.

Hey, all right.

Hey, you know, that wasn't so bad.

Yeah, we're secure, buddy.

Oh, yeah, are we ever secure.

You know, Tim, in Europe
men kiss each other on both cheeks.

Hey, bucko. How was school today?

Anything your principal
wants me to autograph?

No.

I was thinking about you at work today.

And I think I understand about
how you feel about this hugging thing.

So, I'm not grounded?

Nice try.

No, I just think that
maybe sometimes hugging's inappropriate,

and maybe I shouldn't have done it
in front of your friends.

But that's no reason to hit anybody.

Dad, what do you expect me to do
when people are making fun of me?

I expect you to use your head. Laugh.

- What?
- When people used to tease me, I'd laugh.

People can't laugh at you
if you're already laughing at yourself.

You know what I'm saying?

You want me to use
other parts of my brain besides my fists?

Yeah.

And I know
you're having trouble hugging a man.

But remember, I'm your father.
I'm not a man.

Right, Dad.

Anyway, I promise I won't hug you
in front of your buddies anymore.

- OK.
- But I'm still gonna say I love you.

Oh, Dad, that's ten times worse
than hugging.

Wait a minute, hold on a minute.

It's not like that. It's like, we'll be at
a ball game. Pretend we're at a ball game.

Instead of saying, "I love you," I'll say
something like, "How 'bout the Lions?"

We'll both know what I'm talking about.

OK. But don't say it too mushy.

You mean like
(seductively) "How 'bout those Lions?"

(Jill) Tim!

Would you go upstairs
and shut the closet door?

I don't wanna show her this
till I can demonstrate.

There's some more groceries out there.

Forget the groceries.
I wanna go up to the bedroom.

There's something up there
you've been waiting for for a long time.

Oh, OK.

I guess I'll be back down
before the ice cream melts.

- Not that I finished the closet.
- Oh, good. Let's go see.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, sweetie.

- Dad, it's all ready. I'm going to the park.
- Before you go, how about those Lions?

What about 'em?

I said, how about the Lions?

Oh, yeah.

I love you too. Bye.

It's a guy thing.

Welcome to the Tim Taylor
clothing-management system.

It's unique, it's high-tech, it's the answer
to your disorganized prayers.

Don't, don't, don't, don't,
don't, don't, don't, don't.

- I have to use a remote?
- Trust me.

Press "one."

(swirl of harp music)

(Tim's computerized voice)
Hello. Jill Taylor

- What shall we wear today?
- (Jill laughs)

Hold on a minute. Does this mean
I'm gonna have, like, a little man in here

watching me get undressed every day?

Yep.

If you'll notice, the closet's
all cedar lined for all our big clothes.

Trousers, jackets, scarves,
upper clothes, there's shirts,

skirts at the bottom, pants,
everything else, OK?

This is perfect, so far.

All right. You'll notice all your stuff is pink.
I got all your accessories outlined here.

I've even got a drawer for your scarves.
Open that.

Oh, OK.

- Whoa!
- Wait a minute.

Could that be potpourri-scented lining?

- I'm still waiting for the expl*si*n.
- Come on.

I'd suggest you shut that drawer.

(Tim) The drawer is ajar
The drawer is ajar The drawer is a

Thank you

You're welcome.

OK, now, on to the shoes.

- Press number five.
- All right.

("March" from Tchaikovsky's
Nutcracker Suite)

Tim, I want you now.

Hold your horses, little filly.

Now the safety precautions.
This is very important.

You'll notice I've done
the whole theme in pink for you,

and a lovely matte black for me.

This is very important. Don't ever try to put
your pink things in my matte-black zones.

Why not?

Try to put this pink hanger
onto my matte-black zone.

OK.

(siren wails)

(Tim's voice) Step away from the closet

Keep your hands in plain sight
You have the right to remain silent

Any clothes you touch
will be used against you in a court of law

Flashback!

I found these
at the bottom of the giveaway box.

You look like
a radioactive leprechaun, honey.

I can't believe
that you were gonna give this away.

That is the most hideous thing
I've ever seen in my life.

- Why do you wanna keep that?
- You gave it to me.

Oh, yeah, sure.
I guess I did, yeah.

It could come back.

Pretty boss-looking chick.

Well, thank you.

That is, like,
so far out that you say that.

You wanna groove with me?

(Tim) Step away from the closet

Keep your hands in plain sight
You have the right to remain silent

Any clothes you touch
will be used against you in a

- Pretty boss chick.
- Yeah. Thank you.

That's, like,
really far out that you say that.

Hey, groove with me, baby.

(siren wails)

(Tim) Step away from the closet

Keep your hands in plain sight
You have the right to remain silent

Any clothes you touch
will be used against you in a court of law

(Tim) It was their idea