02x25 - The Great Race

[bunniefuu]

These are some of the best ways to give
your garden tools a good spring tune-up.

- Right, Al?
- That's right, but before we go,

we'd like to make an announcement
I'm sure you all have been waiting for.

Al is a woman trapped in a man's body.

No. I'm sure our audience
knows that's not true.

I'm just kidding, Al.

We invited our viewers to vote for their
all-time favorite guest here on Tool Time.

and today we'll announce the winner.

That's right. You were able to go
down to your local hardware store

and pick up a ballot that listed every
single guest we've ever had on Tool Time.

although Bob Vila was left off that list.

Computer error, Al.

Anyway, our three finalists are George
Foreman, Mario and Michael Andretti,

and Dwayne,
from the K&B Construction Company.

From our ever-widening audience,
we've had thousands of viewers write in.

- Lisa, what's the final count?
- postcards, Tim.

Thank you, Lisa. And the winner for the
most popular guest here on Tool Time is...

(fanfare)

I got goose bumps, I really do.

What? No.

Mario and Michael Andretti.

(AI stutters)

Tim, that's not what...
That's not what it...

- That's not what it says.
- Yes, it does.

- No, it... No, it doesn't.
- Yes, it does.

- Does not.
- Does too.

Bob Vila.

It can't... It can't be...
It cannot be Bob Vila.

It can't be Bob Vila.
I erased his name...

Computer error
took his name off that list.

Well, maybe the viewers
did what I did and wrote his name in.

That's what I did.

Write-ins weren't allowed, Lisa.

- Al told me I could.
- He did, did he?

Yes, I did.

So please join us next time when
we'll meet our winning guest, Bob Vila.

So popular that, even though
he was deliberately left off the ballot,

won with a write-in campaign.

So join us next time on Tool Time.

when Bob and Al discuss how to
remove crusty food from their beards.

See you next time on Tool Time

(Jill) Well, what do you think?
Could we put the kids in the middle?

Jill, this is unbelievable.
I've never won anything before.

A day of beauty for two at Adriana's.

It is so great that it is for two. Can you
imagine a whole day of being pampered?

What? Tim doesn't pamper you?

Yeah, right.

Tim's idea of pampering me
is to wear his pants to breakfast.

(oven timer dings)

Jill, are Brad and Randy
planning to do some gardening?

Hey! Hey, guys!

Where are you going
with that shovel and that rake?

- Nowhere.
- Don't go near the cemetery again.

Cemetery?

Yeah. Last week they dug a hole
near the cemetery wall,

and told Mark
that one of the bodies escaped.

We're just going down
to the creek to build a dam.

Forget the dam, beaver boy.

- Lose the shovel. Lose the rake.
- Aw, man.

Now, listen, if you guys get back
before Karen and I do, go to Wilson's.

Mark's gonna be over at Billy's.

- Morning, Tim.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ah, it's nice to see that Tim
is his usual charming, bubbling self.

Oh, ignore him. He's always in a snit
when Bob Vila's on the show.

Isn't he the guy that has that
national tool show that Tim ripped off?

Don't start, Karen, please.

All I've heard all week long is,
"Bob Vila this, Bob Vila that."

- What does Bob Vila have that I don't?
- High ratings.

- Fans.
- Big salary.

- Are you through?
- Oh, pookie. We're just kidding.

Remember, you have something
to be proud of that Bob Vila does not have.

- Oh, yeah. What?
- Al.

(giggles)

Normally I would have seen that coming.

I'm very vulnerable right now.

Tim, you're so tense. Maybe you should
come and pamper yourself at Adriana's.

Yeah, yeah. They have
manicures and pedicures for men.

Let me tell you two gals something.

Men don't let other people touch their feet.

A real man clips his own toenails
and flicks them in his wife's hair.

Does everybody know what time it is?

Tool Time!

That's right. Binford Tools is proud
to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

Thank you, Lisa. Welcome to Tool Time
I'm your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

You all know my assistant, Al.

- Well, Tim. This is the big day.
- It sure is. We get to that subfloor. Ooh.

I don't think that's why
the audience is watching today.

I'm sure that, like me,
they're all excited

about seeing our
favorite-guest-contest winner.

Aren't we all, Al. Aren't we all.

- Now, the subfloor will start...
- Tim.

Why don't we introduce
our favorite guest?

Why not? Our favorite guest
is someone a few of you may know...

I think we all know Bob and love him.

Are we gonna have to hose you down, Al?

Let me introduce the paterfamilias
of home repair, Mr. Bob Vila.

Thank you.
Thanks for that warm welcome.

Mr. Vila, I just want you to know
I'm one of your biggest fans.

In my opinion, you've completely
redefined television home repair.

Lisa.

Right.

- Good to have you here again, Bob.
- Thanks.

- That goes double for me.
- Thanks, Al. It's always good to see you.

I was so thrilled to find out
I was picked your favorite guest here.

Well, I encouraged
a lot of people to vote for you.

Bob, why don't you
take a seat right here?

Now, a lot of people think
there's a big rivalry between Bob and I,

but actually there's a lot
of mutual respect between us. Right, Bob?

Absolutely, Jim.

It's Tim.

I was just pulling your leg, buddy.
Just kidding.

I don't... I don't know if we can
have Bob on the show anymore.

My... my sides are about to split.

Al, you've got
a wonderful sense of humor.

Doesn't he, though?

Well, you know, Bob is also here
to promote one of my favorite charities.

The Society for
the Prevention of Cruelty to Flannel.

Actually, Tim, I'm supporting
the Metropolitan Detroit Children's Fund.

I'm just pulling your leg, actually.

It's a wonderful charity and I bet they're
excited that you're their chairperson.

I understand that
you're working on a lawn mower race.

That's right. And I'm having
a tough time getting some competition.

Well, you know, Bob,
Tim has a very powerful lawn mower.

I tweaked out my lawn mower at home
and dumped a big motor in it.

Mine isn't homemade.

I actually had mine designed
and built by professionals.

Yeah? Well, I...

I dumped a cc Harley
with a special cam in it.

That sounds like the junior model.
Bob here put in a .

- Good for Bob.
- Bad for you.

I've got an elongated throttle. I've
actually been clocked at miles per hour.

(both) ?

- You have a lawn mower that goes ?
- Yeah.

Well, Bob,
I think it's time to kick some grass.

What do you say?
Are you up to the challenge?

To... I... You know...
Yeah, why not? Sure, I'll race you.

- Great.
- Sure. That'll be good. A lot of fun.

(Tim) For charity.

Well, Tim,
I just hope you're not a poor loser.

Al, I think the audience knows
just what kind of loser I am.

Experienced.

- (Jill) Tim!
- Yeah. Out here.

Timmy!

I thought you guys
were going to that spa.

We've been there six hours.

- You look fabulous.
- Thank you.

Come to the garage.
I'll show you something.

- Time for the unveiling. Come on.
- Unveiling of what?

- What are you up to now?
- Prepare to be amazed, girls.

I'm amazed.

- You like it?
- Like it? I hate it.

- What is it?
- What is it?

It's a riding lawn mower
with a jet engine off a Chinook helicopter.

Are you out of your mind?
You put a jet engine on a lawn mower?

No, but thanks for thinking I could.

I borrowed this. It's on loan from
the US Lawn Mower Racing Association.

Why would anyone do this?

Think about it. You got
riding lawn mower, you got jet engine.

Sooner or later,
somebody was gonna put 'em together.

Tell me you're not gonna race this thing.

Technically it won't be a race.
It's just an exhibition with...

- Bob Vila.
- I should have known.

Whenever Bob Vila's on the show,
you turn everything into a competition.

- Jill, this is for charity.
- No, it's not. It's to compete.

Honey, this is no competition.
This is gonna be a slaughter.

I'll be at the finish line and Bob Vila
will be back there at the starting post

picking mulch out of his beard.
"See you, Bobby."

- How fast does this thing go?
- Right now, this gearing, about .

But if I regear it, I'll get out of it.

And after they pry you out of this with
the crowbar, I'll turn to the crowd and say:

"He was a nice man, a good man,
but not a bright man."

Honey, this'll mow
a football field in seconds.

Hi, guys. Where did you go?

We went down to the creek
and caught some tadpoles.

Why didn't you come and get me?

We looked all over
and we couldn't find you.

I was in my room.

Boy, Brad.
The one place we didn't look.

Why don't you take me
anywhere with you guys?

It's because you always rat on us.

- Promise I won't rat on you again.
- Oh, really?

Hey, Brad.
Maybe we should make him take the test.

- Yeah, the test.
- What test?

The tadpole secrecy test.

What's that?

You have to put
a live tadpole in your mouth.

Ew! No way!

OK, fine. But then you don't get to come
to the creek with us and build a raft.

See ya.

Wait.

How long do I have to hold it in my mouth?

- Three seconds.
- Three whole seconds?

- I told you he'd be a chicken.
- I'm not chicken.

I'll do it.

Buddy, come here.

Now, close your eyes.
Open your mouth.

- Ooh, yeah, a nice slimy one.
- You'd better watch out. He's really wiggly.

Here he comes. Closer, closer.

One thousand one.

One thousand two.

- One thousand three.
- You did it.

Mark, you weren't
supposed to swallow the tadpole.

What's gonna happen?

Well, it's gonna swim around inside you
and grow into a frog.

- Ribbit, ribbit.
- Shut up, Brad!

Hey, Mark. I wouldn't drink any water.
Might make it grow faster.

I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad on you.

Oh, yeah, like Mom and Dad are gonna
believe that we made you eat a tadpole.

Brad...

I wouldn't use that argument.

(Mark) Mom!

Mom!

- Mom!
- What is it? What is it? What's the matter?

Brad and Randy made me eat a tadpole.

- A what?
- A tadpole.

- Where are they?
- They ran away.

- Well, Mark, you're gonna be fine.
- I'll get you a glass of water.

No! Not water!

OK.

- It's turning into a frog.
- No, it isn't, honey.

This thing can't possibly
survive inside of your stomach.

Look, you're just gonna
digest it like a piece of fruit.

- You sure?
- I'm positive.

You're just gonna
poop that thing right out.

Now, just go outside and play.
Listen, eating a tadpole's no big deal.

Aaargh! Gross! That is so gross.

Can you imagine having that slimy thing
swimming around inside your stomach?

- I know. Yuck!
- I can't believe that they did this.

- Oh, it's so gross.
- What happened?

Brad and Randy made Mark eat a tadpole.

(laughs)

This is not funny.
It's a terrible thing to do.

Oh, come on.
They're boys. What's the big deal?

When I was little,
I made one of my brothers eat spaghetti.

- It had an earthworm in it.
- Oh, Tim. Please.

Steve didn't even know it was in there until
one of the noodles tried to crawl back out.

It was great. Oh, he paid me back.

He made me eat my mashed potatoes
with a big cockroach in there.

Oh! Tim!

Oh, quit ohing. They're good.
They're crunchy. They're not bad.

What's that smell?

It's clam chowder...

- Mushrooms, raisin and little bits of liver.
- Ugh!

I want Brad and Randy
to think it's tadpole soup.

That's disgusting - I love it.

I'm just going with the flow.
Go out and tell them that the soup is on.

(sinister laugh)

Brad! Randy!
Hustle up. Dinnertime.

- Hi-ho, neighbor.
- Hi there, Wilson.

You missed a snip.

Mm-hm.

I bet you can't guess
what I've got in my garage.

Well, just off the top of my head,

I'd say a small riding lawn mower
with a jet engine attached.

(grunts)

Mark told me.

Think about it, Wilson. I'll be driving
the fastest riding lawn mower on earth.

Uh-huh, uh-huh-huh-huh.

I'm gonna be a lawn-mowing legend.
(barks)

Well, Tim. It sounds to me
like you're dealing with hubris.

Hubris? What's that in English?

It is English.
It means "excessive pride."

Oh, yeah, I got that. (grunts)

- Not necessarily a good thing.
- I don't have that. I don't want it.

I'm just in this
lawn-mowing competition with Bob Vila.

Mm. Nothing like
the rousing spirit of competition.

Yeah. Jill and Karen
think it's a stupid idea.

Well, Tim,
competition can be a very healthy thing.

That's what I think.
I think competition inspires men -

challenges us to build
the biggest building, the fastest m*ssile,

the most absorbent bathroom tissue.
(barks)

Competition brings out the best in product.

- You're darn right.
- But sometimes the worst in men.

(grunts)

- Hey, guys. I was just looking for you.
- Hey, Dad.

- We're really sorry.
- Sorry about what?

- Didn't you talk to Mark?
- No.

- Oh. Then we're sorry we're late for dinner.
- All right. Your mom's got it ready for you.

Take those muddy shoes off
before you get in the house.

All right.

Tim, would the boys be in trouble?

Big trouble.
They made Mark eat a tadpole,

so Jill's making them think
they're having tadpole soup.

Mm-hm. Well, if you
want to try the real thing,

why don't you come over
to my house on Saturday night?

Well, hello, Brad and Randy.

Hi, Mom.

- Where's Mark?
- He's upstairs, playing.

- Is he OK?
- Yeah. He's fine. Why do you ask?

No reason.
Just because we love him.

- Hope you're hungry.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh. Guess I'm done with this now.

- That had our tadpoles in it.
- Not anymore.

- Soup, anyone?
- What's up, guys?

- Hi, Mom.
- Is Mark eating this?

No, that's just for you.
I'm having ice cream.

Oh, sweetie, it's right over there.

Well, hi. I've got the soup
for the boys all ready. You want some?

- Well, what's in it?
- Oh, a tad of this, tad of that.

Sounds a tad too rich for me.

Oh, I get it. You want us to think
the tadpoles are in the soup.

Now why would your mother
do something like that?

Come on, dig in.

- Come on, Randy. This is just a big bluff.
- Yeah.

Come on, boys. Hop to it.

You know, it does taste kind of weird.

Yeah, but there's no way it's tadpoles.

Oh, I guess I can't fool you guys.

Ooh!

Well, what is this?

(boys scream)

Yeah!

It's just a rubber frog.
How did that feel?

Next time you feel like pulling something,
maybe you'll remember

that I see all, hear all, and know all that
goes on in this house. Do you understand?

We're sorry.

OK. Now I'll fix your real dinner.

Honey, please.
I think you've punished them enough.

(frog croaks)

Here we go, everybody. Stand by.

In five, four, three, two...

(theme music)

Hi. Welcome to this
special edition of Tool Time

I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
You know my assistant, Al.

We're here at beautiful Memorial Park,
ready for the big race with Bob Vila.

I've got this little helmet-cam,
so you'll all see exactly what I see.

Hey, Bob. Who do you think
is going to win the race, huh?

It's for charity, Tim.
The real winners are the children.

Of course they are, Bob.
The winners are the kids.

In second place, me.
In a distant third, Bob.

- Oh, boy.
- What are you doing, Tim?

Trying to show the folks at home if there's
any critters crawling around in your beard.

Well, I think we're about ready to go.
Gentlemen, if you'll take your places.

OK.

- Good luck, Tim.
- Thank you, Al.

- Bob, good luck.
- Thank you, Al.

- What is that?
- Just a little old engine, Bob.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

(dramatic music)

Ready.

One.

Two.

Three.

- Nice mower, Bob.
- Thanks, Tim.

I'd love to sit and chat,
but I gotta run.

Oh, boy! Whoa! Whoa!

Look out, buddy!
Look out. Look out. Look out!

(screams)

(screams)

(screams)

Yeah, thanks, Officer. I'll make sure
I get those tickets for Tool Time for you.

You bet.

So... how was your day?

Well...

When I heard on the news
that there was a lawn mower

running amuck down l- ,

with a police helicopter in hot pursuit,

I thought to myself,
"Could this be my husband?"

- Are you all right?
- Pretty good chance of that. I'm all right.

There's good news and bad news.
The bad news is...

I got a ticket
and they impounded the lawn mower.

- What's the good news?
- Good news is...

I mowed lawns
and made bucks.

What is this thing?

This thing is a helmet-cam, so you
could see my perspective during the race.

I might add that
you're looking pretty nice, honey.

Thank you.

- Where are the boys?
- Across the street.

- So we're alone, huh?
- Don't even think about it, Tim.

Come here, woman. Come here!

(screams)

(announcer) Jonathan Taylor Thomas!

Zachery Ty Bryan!
A big hand for Zachery!

The fantastic Patricia Richardson!

And Mr. Tim Allen!
Right down here, Tim Allen.

There we go.
Give everybody a big round of applause!