01x13 - Sex and the Suburbs

[bunniefuu]

The look of envy.

It was a look Dalia
was well-accustomed to receiving.

Me? Not so much.

- Pick you up after school?
- Okay.

Until now.
- Nose kiss?

Scott Strauss had chosen me
over Dalia. And it was big.

- Bye.
- Bye.

No, it was huge.

It's like New York all over again.

The problem didn't go away,
it just got bigger. Heh.

- That was a reference to Scott's...?
- Correct.

Your daughter has a voracious
sexual appetite.

She's got a hunger for the flesh
that can't be satiated.

You have a daughter.
How can you joke like this?

Ha-ha-ha. Because she's not sexually active.

She's an academic. Like her mother.

I know it's not my choice.

I just don't want Tessa to treat sex
as a recreational hobby.

- Well, have you told her that?
- I tried to.

What am I supposed to do now?

I can't keep relocating her
every time I find condoms. Can I?

I mean, I could. We have the miles.

Namaste, you guys.

I just had a tantric mani-pedi.

Ooh. "Moon Over Miami,"
vice versa, my favorite song?

- How did you know?
- I know.

Ah, it was orgasmic.

That is the problem with Chatswin.
Everything out here has to be sexualized.

George is angry
about his daughter's libido.

Oh, Dalia got horny early.
So we had the sex talk years ago.

I wouldn't wait, George.

To have the sex talk? Yeah, I think
Tessa knows where babies come from.

I'm not talking about that sex talk.

The one where you explain
all the different kinds of sex.

- Different kinds?
- Breakup, make-up, girl-on-girl...

- ...group-on-guy.
- Hate sex, date sex, pity sex...

...party sex, pity-party sex.

- Bi-curious, by the ocean.
- By the hour.

- The reverse André the Giant.
- No, Tessa's not doing any of that.

She's going to if she hasn't already.
And you can't stop her.

I sure can. It's simple. If I wanna keep
Tessa away from boys...

...all I have to do is find something
more fun than having sex.

Jenga! Heh.

Take a block from the bottom
And you put it on top.

You take a block from the middle
And you put it on top.

Well, we've got other games.

You guys ready for a good
old-fashioned game night or what?

I cut my teeth
on Chutes and Ladders...

...or Snakes and Ladders,
as it's called on the streets.

But, uh, I'm up for anything.

I was under the impression
Tessa would be here.

We're gonna surprise her.

Hungry Hungry Hippos?
Life, Yahtzee, Connect Four?

- Oh, what about Monopoly?
- You're a purist.

Respect, but I gotta be the boot.

Surprise!

Ooh, oh.

Uh, surprise, you're hanging out
with my friends when I'm not home?

- Yup.
- For the record, I said this was weird.

- Oh, Dad, this is Scott Strauss.
- Oh, hello, Scott.

Ahem, do you play Yahtzee?

You said Monopoly.
I just set up the bank.

- Scott and I have dinner plans, so...
- Okay. "Dinner plans."

"Scott and I." "Actually."
Heh. How grown-up.

Scott, can you wait outside?
I think my dad's having a stroke.

Sure thing. Nice meeting you.

- Yes. Nice meeting you too, ahem.
- Hey. Get it.

- What was that?
- What was what?

What did you just tell him to get?

- What is wrong?
- What's wrong with you?

Nothing. I'm behaving very normally.

It's Friday. I'm going on
an age-appropriate date with a cute boy.

You're a grown man,
home playing Pictionary with minors.

The yogurt may have been
flowing that night...

...but the conversation
between me and Scott...

...was as stale
as that crushed cookie topping.

All the kid ever talked about was
how he volunteered for a year in Zambia.

I wish I could have taken you
for Bambara.

It's this dish I used to eat
when I was living...

- Let me guess. Zambia?
- Yeah.

Oh, too bad we can't have it
because we're not in Zambia.

We're in Chatswin.

- I know that.
- Do you?

Yeah.

In Zambia, in the summertime,
it gets surprisingly cold...

Did you ever see this internet video...

...of this kid coming home
from the dentist...

...after he has had
too much anesthesia?

- No.
- It's funny.

I love funny stuff.

- You?
- Yeah.

It's just hard to laugh
when you know people are starving.

In Zambia?

- Are you gonna finish that?
- I will now, yeah.

- Thinking about going back next summer.
- You should. You should go.

- Is everything okay, Tessa?
- No, everything was not okay.

I was sick of hearing
about Scott's one adventure.

I would have dumped him
at that very moment...

...had it not been for the w*r
I was waging against Dalia.

Kiss me, Scott. Kiss me like I'm Africa.

- Buy a hotel.
- Oh, we will.

We will.

I just got another hotel.
Malik's still in jail.

- Sorry, Malik.
- You don't seem sorry.

- Can I top you guys off?
- Yes, please. I never get soda at home.

She's had enough.

Oh, I was rooting for you too. Wow.

Eight forty-five. I was sure Tessa
and Scott would be home by now.

What do you think
they might be doing?

I mean, you know,
what do you guys generally do...

...with your dates?

Well, theoretically, I would take my lover
up to Mountain Julian...

...and share a soft cheese
from Wisconsin.

They're just as good as the ones
from France, but more affordable.

Then we would sit up there
till the sun came up...

...and talk about our hopes and dreams
and dancing with the stars.

I'd like to go somewhere dark
so we could make out.

Make out. Yeah. Sure.
I'm down with that. That's... Yeah. Get it.

So, what about intercourse?

Can I call my mom to come get me?

I mean, typically,
what age do kids partake nowadays?

It's okay, Malik. I'll answer this one.

Mr. Altman, the right age depends
on the individual.

And each individual can determine
what that proper age is...

...by consulting the online
virginity calculator.

That's not a real thing.

Enter height, weight, hair length,
zip code.

It'll tell you when you're ready. Eighteen.

Sixteen. But I can wait.

Come on, 21.

Let's go, 21.

Here we go, 21.

Sixteen? She's 16 right now.

What if I made her get a haircut?

Thank you so much for making
a house call to pick up our dry-cleaning.

Ah, the club makes everything
so convenient.

Did you know
we have a pediatric urologist?

I did not.

- Super-duper.
- Hmm.

Don't forget to check the pockets.

Oh, let's see if we can't find
some extra tip money for you.

Oh, dear.

Are you kidding me, Javier?
Are you kidding me right now?

- I don't know what...
- Look at this thing.

It's an M-L. An M-L.

Do you have any idea how many hours
I spend at the gym keeping it tight...

...so he can get down with an M-L?

That is it. That is the last straw.

It'll all be ready by Tuesday.

And give me back them giant panties.

- Morning, Dad.
- Oh, hey.

- Gonna head over to Lisa's in a minute.
- Yeah?

She invited me to sleep over tonight.

- Feel like I haven't seen you much.
- I know.

But I feel like Lisa's feeling
neglected...

...because I've been spending
so much time with Scott.

- So is it cool?
- Yeah, it's cool.

It's very cool.

But before you go,
I thought you'd probably want these.

- I don't think Lisa and I need those.
- I'm returning them.

- They' re yours.
- No.

- Found them in your room.
- Going through my room?

No, I was in there
to turn off the music.

And then I saw them. In a box.
Which I opened.

So here we are, back to square one.

- I could say the same.
- George, those were given to me.

- Safe-sex fairy?
- Why do I even bother?

You know what?
Think what you wanna think.

Trust me when I tell you,
you will regret it if you have casual sex.

It's not a casual thing. It's something
you share with the right person.

Is he the right person?

Goodbye, George. I'll see you tomorrow.

Talk to me.
- That's something you earn, not demand.

- Tessa.
- You treat me like a child.

I do not treat you like a child.

You forgot your squishy.

Ah, thanks again for coming in
on a Saturday, Aaron.

Oh, please, come on, come on, come on.
Don't be stupid.

I'd do anything for you, Dallas.

I mean, you're a client,
but you're also a friend.

And also I was coming in anyway.

Steven freaks out over nothing.

He freaks out
if I wear my shoes in the house...

...but I'm supposed
to turn the other cheek on these?

These panties are a slap in the face,
Aaron.

Look, look, Steven is not a saint.
We've been down this road before.

But he's an excellent provider.

So you have to ask yourself
this question:

Is this a really big problem,
or a "you can live with it" problem?

Is it huge? Or just M-L?

Because once you serve him the papers,
the papers can't be unserved.

Okay.

But I'd like to submit these
into evidence.

He's just become so controlling.

- Scott?
- George.

That's got to the point where
I can't stand the sound of his voice.

- George.
- Scott.

Why don't you just tell your dad nothing
happened between you and Scott?

- Then he'll get off your case.
- No. Too kind.

I want George to sweat it out.

Maybe I'll even fake a pregnancy
like Kenzie did. Ha.

Payback for going through
my room again.

Okay.

Sleep on that.

Good night, Tessa.

Good night.

I think Malik made a pass at me
during game night.

Well, the bacon certainly looks crisp
this morning, heh.

Mm. It is. It's crisp. Ha, ha.

- Keep us posted, Fred.
- I heard about you and Scott Strauss.

- I just wanna say, I approve.
- Shut up, Ryan.

- He has great hair.
- Dad.

- It doesn't hurt me to see you with him.
- Anyone want anything?

I want you back.

Uh-huh, I will go
get some muffins for the table.

- That's a lot of muffins.
- Worked up an appetite...

- ...after all the sex I've been having.
- Ah, uh-huh. Funny.

Or who knows,
maybe I'm eating for two?

I'm thinking Xavier if it's a boy.
Or a girl.

You're just being silly now.
Come on, Tessa.

- I wasn't going through your room.
- Yet you were going through my room.

Good morning, guys.
Steven's sleeping with a heifer.

- I'm gonna go hit the gym.
- I'll come with.

I can't get through to her. She treats me
like I'm out of touch. I'm the cool dad.

- What? I'm not the cool dad?
- George.

Think about how you were
back in the day.

You had sex with a lot of the ladies,
all right?

You were the champion.
You were undefeated.

How many women
did you bring down to the mat?

You're being inappropriate.

Old George would have high-fived me
right there and then had sex. With her.

Just because you're a dad
doesn't mean you can't be a dude.

Be a single dude.
Don't be a single dad.

If not for you, then for me
and the rest of the married guys...

...who can only have sex with our wives,
if at all.

Hey, Jill.

George needs to chill out.

I don't even know
if I wanna do it with Scott.

He wants to know how I feel
before I know how I feel.

Hill.

Yeah, sure,
Scott is cute and everything.

And it's not like he's an idiot.

But truthfully? He's kind of boring.
Wait, does that sound mean?

- I don't mean it to sound mean.
- Pop it low.

And enough about Zambia. We get it.

You've been to Africa.
You're a do-gooder.

- But you know what you're not good at?
- Catch and pivot at the waist.

Basic conversation.

The truth is, ah,
we don't have anything in common.

There's no spark.
So, what am I holding onto?

Thanks, Dallas. This really helped.

It sure did.

Hello, Aaron?

- George?
- Jocelyn.

You forgot your glasses at the club
this morning.

- These are ladies' glasses.
- Oh.

- And they're bifocals.
- Oh.

And they're not mine.
Thanks for coming all this way.

Oh, yeah.
I pass by your place all the time.

But you probably don't notice.

I need to get Tessa's clothes.
They're cottons...

...and if I leave them in there too long
then she is a wrinkled mess.

- You're a really good dad.
- Yeah.

But I'm also a dude.

Oh, I know you are.

Wait, wait, wait.
I don't wanna give you the wrong idea.

No. Give it to me.

Give me the wrong idea!

Grab it. Grab it.

- Slap it. Trick it.
- Trick it?

- Who's a hungry hippo?
- I'm a hungry hippo.

- Connect all four. You connect all four.
- You like games.

I'm gonna slide down your chute
and climb your ladder.

- You need a monopoly.
- I'm going to jail.

I got you! I got your hair.
I got your hair!

- Yahtzee.
- Ugh.

The workout with Dallas
had given me clarity.

I knew what I had to do
I felt strong.

And so did my abs.

Round back.

Hi, Tessa. This is for your father.

Oh. How did you know?

It's a traditional
African courtship offering.

Wasn't easy to find a goat.

- Took some doing on my part...
- I'm sure dad will appreciate the gesture.

Really.

I'm just not sure about
the whole courtship thing?

I know this seems weird
and there's a goat involved...

...which you're probably not used to,
but in our culture, sex is trivialized.

And I just wanted to make sure
that our first time had meaning.

- You deserve a thousand goats.
- Thanks.

Tessa, don't think I didn't notice.
You've been pulling away.

You wanted a physical relationship,
but I wasn't ready for it.

- I did, but then I got to know you and...
- I didn't wanna lose you, so I got ready.

And now I'm ready for it.

Lay with me. Keep in mind,
my parents will be back by 6.

I decided not to lay with Scott.

And the two of us
went our separate ways.

I got custody of the goat.

Wow. Hey, Tessa. Hey, goat.

I was just, uh, returning
a pair of ladies' bifocals...

...that didn't belong to your dad
and then I tripped and I broke my, ah...

You don't have any water on you,
do you?

Okay. Cool. Okay.

What's with the goat?

It's for you. From my ex-boyfriend.

- Ex?
- It wasn't what you thought, George.

- It wasn't what I thought, either.
- Oh.

But for the record,
unless that was your one true love...

...I spotted on the way out of here...

- ...you are a big fat hypocrite.
- I stand by what I said earlier.

You do it for the wrong reasons,
you'll regret it.

- This goat has better judgment than you.
- Hey, lay off the sneakers, goat.

But some people
just don't wanna be told what to do.

And Dallas was one of them.

This is my house.

Tell me what to do in my house.

This is how you leave a man, Yakult.

Mommy, are you and Dad
getting a divorce?

Two birthday parties, two Christmases
and two bedrooms to decorate.

I am so happy, you guys.

- You're so lucky.
- I know.

- I wish my parents were getting a divorce.
- I know.

There it was again. The look of envy.

Chatswin's gotta be
the only place on earth...

...where divorce was something
you high-five over.

Gentlemen, when you're ready to order
just call me...

...if you know how to calla person,
which it doesn't seem like you do.

I'm starving,
I'm gonna go with the Power Parfait.

- I'll just have eggs over easy.
- You like everything over easy.

Go with the scramble.

I'm gonna have scrambled eggs, uh,
with a side of fruit.

Have something extra on the side?

Okay, this is what I was afraid of. I said
I didn't wanna give you the wrong idea.

But as I recall,
you gave me the wrong idea. Hmm?

I'm kidding.

I'm only kidding, George. Heh. You goof.

I'll be right back with your eggs.

Ha, ha. Ladies and gentlemen,
weighing in at 180 pounds in this corner...

...the champion of lovemaking,
Gorgeous George Altman.

Okay, okay.

- He's back.
- He's not back.

Yes, he is.
Though I would not eat those eggs.