01x15 - Fire with Fire

[bunniefuu]

Well known fact
about the town I'm living,

Chatswin is the silly trend
capital of the world.

There was
the male nanny trend...

The spotted owl trend...

The British royal hat trend...

Your husband's suits,
Mrs. Royce.

It's Ms. Royce now, Javier.

And the latest trend...

I'm divorced, y'all.

That was the thing
about Chatswin.

You never knew
what trend was gonna hit next.

Noah.

Yes, my love.

I asked you to fix
the damn shower head.

Fix the shower head, Noah.

Jill, you're bleeding!

Fix it.

So did you fix it?

I don't know how to fix it!

I'm a tooth guy.
If, uh, if the shower had

a receding gumline
or... or an abscess...

You know, she should have
married a plumber.

So call someone.

Let her call somebody,
all right?

Or... or let her use
the upstairs shower.

Noah, come on, man.

She asked you to fix it.
Just fix it.

You know what?
I asked her to fix dinner last week,

but evidently she's
a modern woman.

She doesn't cook.
She doesn't clean.

She doesn't climax.

Listen to me, man.

Sometimes they say
they're upset about one thing,

but they're really upset
about something else entirely,

so just don't give her
any excuses.

Excuses for what?

Just fix the shower head.

SUBURGATORY
S01 Ep15 - Fire With Fire

She's doing
a side fishtail braid, you guys.

I don't know
if I could pull that off.

This is a town of followers.

I know, right?

What?

Who is she waving at?

It looks like
she's waving at...

Hi, Lisa.

- Is there another Lisa?
- Hi, Lisa Shay.

- That's me. I'm Lisa Shay.
- Hi, Dalia.

- Lisa, sit down.
- How are you today?

I'm good. How are you?

Excited about the school dance,
and yourself?

Did you guys see that?

Yeah. Everybody saw that.

That was amazing.

That was embarrassing.

Yeah. Lisa, Dalia's just
being nice to you

to get back at me
for "stealing" Scott Strauss.

So? Who cares? I've waited
for this my whole childhood.

Lisa... look, I didn't
choose my way in...

But this is a way in.

She's joking, right?

No.

Jill.

This should be
a relatively quick procedure.

Take your time, doctor.
Money's no object.

We're not paid by the hour.

Well, even if you were,
I would say,

take all the time
that you need.

She's worth every penny.

Our main concern is that
the break heals cleanly,

so we'll rebreak the nose
and set it properly.

That said, there could be
some residual bruising.

Okay. Honey,
since you're going under,

is there anything else
you want to have done?

Any sprucin' up we could...

Now's the time,
in three... two...

One. Okay, just the nose.

Jill? Is that you?

You're
a bloody mess, girl.

Are you
pre, post, or mid-op?

I had
an accident in the shower.

No.
I am sorry to hear that.

I must say, Dallas, that sounded
uncharacteristically sincere.

What exactly did you
have done?

I went up a half a cup size
to celebrate the divorce.

You're positively glowing.

Well, I also had
a dash of botulism,

a few squirts of collagen,
a handful of lowlights,

and a gelicure,

but primarily
it's the divorce.

Leaving Steven has done
wonders for me.

I haven't felt this good
in years. Bye, Jill!

In Chatswin, a trend could
start just about anywhere,

even in the operating room.

On second thought,
I'll have what Dallas Royce had.

Lisa, hi.
Come sit with us.

Well, this is
an unexpected delight.

You talk like our grandmother.

She calls things "marvelous."

Are you seeing this?
She wasn't joking.

What a sellout.

I'll talk some sense
into her at practice.

We're working on a routine
for the school dance.

We rehearse every night.

Well, except
for Wednesday nights,

because that's when
the "medium" fan club meets

to reenact scenes
from the TV show "medium."

- Malik, I know.
- Okay. Stay calm.

The most important thing here
is not to give Dalia

the satisfaction of knowing
she's getting to me.

Smart...

But she's definitely
getting to you.

- Shut up, Malik.
- Just sayin'.

You and me are like
twins, Lisa.

We both have
long, blonde hair,

we both have names that start
with the letter "D,"

and we both hate Tessa Altman,

right?

Come on!

You'd better talk
to your girl Dallas.

She's out of control.

What are you talking about?

She's filling Jill's head
full of these crazy ideas.

I thought those two hated
each other.

Not anymore.
Ever since their surgeries,

it's like they've bonded.

Now they talk everynight
on the phone

about Dallas'
hot, new boyfriend Yoni.

- Yoni?
- Yeah.

Some young Latin dude.

Does reiki.
I met him. Real trim.

I don't trust him.

How trim?

Noticeably trim.

And another thing...

He says he can heal energy
with his hands.

Jill says she wants him
to "work on her."

I wouldn't let him
work on her.

Why can't Dallas deal
with her divorce

the way you did... curling up
into a little ball

and screeching like
a wounded an...

I'm just sayin'.

And it's in!

There's the man
I was hoping to see.

There is my crystal queen.

Give me sugars.

I have an incandescent
lighting fixture.

Thank you, George.
Just go do your thing.

And I go do mine.

That is too much tongue.

Not in my country.

"Yoni."

Did you call to me?

What? No. I just, uh...
Wh-where'd you two say you met?

Yoni's doing a reiki unit
with the junior class.

We met once upon
the gymnasium.

And it felt love at first sight.

It felt that to me, too.

So just, uh,
a complete disregard

for the English language
with you two,

His energy is cloudy,
like the winter in Ro-mah-nia.

"Ro-mah-nia"?

You think because
I'm from South America,

I cannot reference
Eastern Europe?

George, you're being rude.

I see you
didn't waste any time.

Back in the saddle,

Ride 'em, Ms. Royce.

Yoni, would you mind stepping
outside for a moment

so I can express my irritation
with George in private?

Please be brief.

For every second
we don't be together,

my heart screams for you.

And mine, you, yoh-nee.

- Yoni.
- Yoni.

Yakult, let's go.

Yakult, you can stay.

I said, "let's go," Yakult.

Yakult!

On your bed, girl.

I did not have
a white leash anyways.

Why'd you have to drag
Yakult into this?

The divorce has been hard
enough on her.

Dallas, who is that clown?

How old is he? And what is
with the all white?

You two have to dress
in all white, is that it?

It is
the color of positivity,

and you're just jealous
because we pop.

- We pop, George, and you don't.
- I pop.

I will thank you to remember
that I'm not a child.

I am
a full-grown woman, George.

Full-grown!
And I don't need you

telling me
what or whom to do.

No. You know what? This is
my dazzling crystal emporium.

You leave!

Hello, Dalia.

Are you looking for the comfort
of a stable home?

Or for Ryan?
Because he's at practice.

Actually,
I'm here for Lisa.

Who?

Lisa. The girl one?

You leave Lisa alone.

She never did anything
to anyone.

Me and Lisa have plans
to hang out.

This can't be happening. This...
this isn't real.

- Excuse me.
- You ready?

Is that a purse?

Ready.

Lisa, did you finish
all your homework?

No.

You can do it later then.

She has no curfew.

You can bring her back
whenever you're done with her.

Fred,
it's happening!

Dalia was so desperate
to get back at me...

She didn't care
who she hurt along the way.

It's not my fault.

Your eyeball is so big,
it keeps getting in my way.

Sorry.

Almost done.

There.

Now your eyelashes
aren't so stumpy.

I-I don't even recognize
myself.

That's what
I was going for.

Thanks, bitch.

Jill, you're
four shades blonder.

Who brought you
that buttery?

Noah, I'm leaving you.

Was it aliyah?

She typically stays
within the ash family.

I'm going to stay
with Dallas

until I figure out
what I want to do.

Dallas. Okay.

See, I knew... I knew she would
pull something like this.

Dallas isn't
to blame, Noah. You are.

Yoni tried to heal
my energy and couldn't.

He said you're toxic.

I'm toxic?

"Like winter
in Ro-mah-nia."

He's from South America.

- He also said you're constipating.
- Constipating?

According to Yoni, yes.

Yes, you are, and it makes
perfect sense to me.

I partake in a diet
that is very high in fiber,

yet I seldom see results.

You think you're gonna go
more without this guy?

Well, let me tell you
something.

You're not
a regular girl, Jill!

You never have been.
You never will be.

Good-bye, Noah.

Fine. I'm fine with that. Fine.

He's been like this for hours.
The... the tears come and go.

Constipating?

I mean, how can another person
be constipating?

Where were you? I had
a court reserved and everything.

I'm standing there
like a moron,

holding my balls
in my hand.

A.J., my wife left me,
okay?!

I don't need it
from you today!

Do me a favor.

Get me some curly fries
and a diet anything.

I'm off the clock, A.J.

And a Shirley Temple
for red.

I-is that supposed to be me?

A.J., never love.

Come on.

You think 'cause I'm 9 3/4
I haven't been there?

I've been there.

I went through a similar thing with
this girl from my Hebrew school,

but did I lay on the bottom bunk

and cry my fat little eyes out?

Absolutely not.

I went on the field
trip, as scheduled,

and held hands with
her best friend.

What happened? Did it work?
Did you get her back?

Let's just say this visor
I'm wearing is from her.

Okay, that... that is
a pretty sweet visor, but...

I don't know if you can tell
from where you're standing,

but the accents are leather.

Leather. George.

Yeah, I-I'm not sure you should be
taking marital advice from A.J.

Do you have
any better ideas?

Yeah, do you, George?

Maybe A.J. was on to something.

Even Shakespeare agreed
with his approach.

"Be fire with fire.

"thr*aten the threatener
and outface the brow

of bragging horror."

What Shakespeare's
trying to say

- is to fight back.
- Excuse me.

He doesn't want king John

to just lie down and take it.

Good.
Turn to act four, scene two.

You want a snack?

No, thanks. I had some string
cheese on the way over.

Good. Then I'm just gonna
jump right in.

As you know
from the note I passed you,

Dalia is using Lisa
to get back at me...

Correct.

And I can imagine Lisa's probably
really getting on your nerves by now.

Let's just say... I hate her.

Understood.

So now let me ask you
two questions.

How far are you willing to go
to get rid of her...

And how do you feel
about corduroy?

What's up, Chatswin?!

Throw them fists in the air.

I can't believe Lisa bailed
on dance practice twice.

You have a new dance partner
now... Kimantha.

Kimantha can't dougie.

You have
to teach her, Malik.

I tried.

Look, we're in
crisis mode, okay?

Hey, guys.

Kimantha's our Lisa
until Lisa stops being Dalia.

Fine.
Did you practice the arms?

I did, Malik. I swear.

Ladies, I buy drinks
for to make your throats wet.

Thank you, Yoni!

My throat hasn't been
this wet in years.

Good news, Jill.

There's so much more wetness
coming towards your face.

I started a tab at the bar.

Noah, I do not feel good

about how much chest hair
we are showing.

Why three buttons?

Why not three buttons?

You look sexy, man.

Thank you.

Sexy as hell,

and I'm not the only one
that's noticing.

I really don't think you're
gonna make Jill come back

by hitting on other women
in front of her at a club.

Did the tale of A.J. and the girl from
his Hebrew school mean nothing to you?

Those are children.

Jill just glanced over here,
and she looked pissed...

And hot!

As it turns out,

adolescent behavior
doesn't work so well

outside the walls
of high school.

Lucky for me,
I was still a sophomore.

it's working, Evan.

You're falling in love
with me?

- What?
- What?

I know you're
really uncomfortable.

I'm uncomfortable, too.

I had no idea my ex-boyfriend
was gonna be deejaying.

When I get hurt feelings,

I bury them by ordering
riding boots online.

Wanna try?

Lisa may have
temporarily forgotten

who she was,

but she certainly hadn't
forgotten who she wanted to be.

Don't let me catch you with that
thirsty little swag-jacker again.

Look, I'm not even seeing
Scott Strauss anymore,

so can this just be over?

Because trying to use Lisa
against me was low,

even for you, Dalia.

My parents are getting
a divorce, you know.

I know...
And that sucks,

and I'm... sorry.

I'm sure
it's really painful.

You know what's gonna
be painful?

When my mother remarries
your father

and I'm your new sister

and dad likes me best,
and then we send you away

to an all-girls boarding school
where you find true love,

and on visiting day, I come up
and steal your new girlfriend.

The following spring,
we marry in a civil ceremony,

which you are forced
to cater,

and everyone hates
your catering,

and you get a bad review
on yelp,

which pretty much sinks

your organic lesbian
catering venture.

Okay.

Well, enjoy the rest
of your dance.

This reminds me
of the old days...

Piggin' out

after the clubs
at 4:00 A.M.

Yeah. It's 8:45.

And I have heartburn.

You are welcome
to crash here.

You are,
but I would be remiss

if I didn't tell you...

You are acting like
a grade "A" jackass.

Jill is the love
of your life.

You know it, and I know it,
and if she doesn't know it,

then, man, you are doing
something wrong.

You know how stubborn
she is.

Don't you be stubborn, Noah.
It's gonna slip away.

If you don't do everything
you can to save it,

it's gonna slip away,
and you're gonna regret it.

Take it from someone
who knows.

In life,
there are firefighters

and there are arsonists,

and if you don't want
to watch it all burn down,

you'd better know how
to put out a blaze.

Thanks for letting me stay.

Are you sure
that Dalia won't mind?

Mind? She won't even know
you were here.

There's
a school dance tonight,

so she won't be home
till morning, if at all.

Would you like to wear one
of her tiaras to bed?

I shouldn't.

Mrs. Jill Werner,

are you in there?

Is my wife, Mrs. Jill Werner,
in there?

Mrs. Jill Werner,
are you in there?

Noah, what the hell
are you doing?

I fixed the showerhead!

And now I'm here to sweep you
off your feet.

Where did you get
that horse?

I, uh, it's... never mind.

Now we will go
to our castle,

and I will take you
upstairs

and make love to you,

and you are going
to let me...

And afterwards,

you're going
to make me a sandwich!

He still thinks
he's calling the sh*ts.

Steven would have never ridden
a horse for me...

And we had one.
But...

No "buts" about it,
Jill Werner.

You get your skinny ass
up there

on that horse,
or I'll do it for you.

That man loves you.

Chivalry was alive and well
in Chatswin.

As it turns out...

I'll have a small vanilla
with mango to go.

You got it.

It may have become
the latest trend.

I'll...
I'll pay for hers, too.

Thanks.

Hi. I'll have
a small vanilla with mango.

Yours has already been
paid for.

It has? By whom?

I learned something tonight.

What's that?

Don't try to b*at
a yellow light on horseback.

Right. Thank you
for breaking my fall.

I would break every bone
in my body for you.

I hope you know that.

You could have just fixed
the shower instead.

One more on my mouth.

Come on, you hard-ass!
One more on my mouth.

I love you, woman!

I love you, too.

If you want to do
any sprucing up

while you're under,
now's the time to say so!

After our trial separation,
I had to admit,

it was nice to have Lisa back.

Her room smells like
newborn babies.

- I've been in there.lt doesn't.
- It did to me.

Look, I know that you guys
are probably still mad at me

for going to hang
with Dalia,

but I just want to say

that if I had to do it
all over again,

I would still go hang
with Dalia,

because I know you guys
are my real friends,

and real friends can take
each other for granted.

She's joking, right?

Of course.

Now go get me something
to drink.