05x02 - The First Temptation of Tim

[bunniefuu]

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- Tool Time.

That's right. Binford Tools is proud
to present Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.

Whoo-hoo.

(applause)

Thank you.

Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, everybody.

Welcome to Tool Time.
l am Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor

and you all know my assistant
Al ''Next Time Light a Match'' Borland.

Today we're introducing
a brand-new segment here on Tool Time.

That's right, it's called
''The Unsung Heroes of the Job Site.''

(men singing)
# He gets no thanks and that ain't right

# He's an unsung hero of the job site

When people think about construction,
they always think about the glory jobs.

Yeah, your dry wallers,
your backhoers, your trench diggers.

What about the guys
who don't get any glory?

Yeah. What about us?

l said ''unsung heroes,''
not ''unsung zeroes.''

Today we'll meet the man
who services these bad boys.

lf you think your job stinks,
wait till you meet this guy.

Premier Porta-Potti popper Frank Dougan.
Come on out, Frank.

(applause)

How you doin', Tim?

- l get that a lot, you know.
- Aw, man. Aw, thanks.

How did you get
in the Porta-Potti business?

Well, you know,
l just kind of fell into it.

Wanna tell us how
you keep these maintained?

You betcha, Al. You know, what l got is,
l got me a big old -foot suction hose

and l got that sucker
hooked up to my pumper truck

and on the back
l got an -gallon t*nk.

- ?
- Yeah.

(grunts)

You got it made, boy.
Good job, huge hose and a big truck.

Well, that's true, Tim,
but you know, there's one thing l don't get:

Respect.

People walk up to one of these
Porta-Potties and they look at it

and they stand there
and they say... ''l'll wait.''

That's gotta hurt, too.
l like Porta-Potties. l like these things.

l wish l had one
next to my couch in the living room.

During football season,
l'd never have to leave the room.

(Frank laughs)

'Course, everyone else would.

Tell us all about
this -gallon polyurethane bad boy.

Oh, you bet.

Well, Tim, as you can see,
it's very spacious, totally clean,

it'll accommodate either one of your sexes -

most importantly of all,
perfectly private.

There's a man who takes pride
in his work. Glorifies his job.

Truly the unsung hero of the job site.

Come on out and show us
how you move these job site to job site.

- Frank.
- Tim, it's gonna be about another minute.

(marching music)

# He gets no thanks and that ain't right

# He's an unsung hero of the job site

- Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
- Hey, Brad.

You were supposed
to be back from school an hour ago.

l stayed late. l just wanted
to soak up some extra knowledge.

By any chance, were you soaking up
that extra knowledge in detention?

Hey. Knowledge is knowledge.

l can't believe you, Brad.

lt's not that big a deal.
l've had detention before.

lt's the first day of school!

No one ever gets detention
on the first day of school.

l wouldn't say no one.

What did you do?

Nothing! Bruce Tyler was throwing
spit wads at me. l had to do something.

- l meant Brad. What did you do?
- Nothing.

So this is one of those ''Come and get to
know the other delinquents'' sort of thing?

Look, l told you, OK?
l didn't do anything.

You believe that?

lt's terrible. Teachers are still
giving detention for nothing.

(doorbell rings)

- Hi!
- Oh, hi, Al.

Sorry to barge in. l've been trying to
call for two hours. The phone's busy.

Randy, get off the phone.

So did you hear the news?
Binford has officially been sold.

- All right. Who was the mystery buyer?
- Some guy by the name of Bud Harper.

Why do l know that name?

When l worked at the magazine,
we did a cover story on him.

No, l never read the magazine.

He owns that chain of tire stores,
a software company, the commuter airline.

That's right. Wait a minute, this guy's got
a lot of money. That could help Tool Time.

Or it could be the worst thing to happen.

You know how these big
conglomerate guys work. They're ruthless.

- They come in, they cut out all the fat.
- No wonder you're worried.

They already fired the president.
What if we're next?

What if they fire us
and get rid of Tool Time?

- Would you quit spitting on my neck?
- Well?

They won't get rid of Tool Time. We're
the crown jewel of the Binford empire.

The crown jewel?
l had no idea l was married to royalty.

Well, you know it now.

(phone rings)

Hello.
Yeah, just a minute please.

Your Highness.
Bud Harper's office calling.

Oh, no! lt's always worse
when they call you at home.

- Al.
- lt's over, we're history. Sayonara.

Al, chill.

Yes. Uh-huh. Sure.
Breakfast would be fine. l get up pretty...

He wants to have breakfast at am?
Sure, l'll just move my lunch to : .

Yes, l know where it is. l'll be there.
Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Having a breakfast meeting
with Bud Harper. No problem.

Thank goodness. A guy doesn't
take you out to breakfast to fire you.

- Actually, sometimes he does.
- Huh?

Oh, l knew breakfast was a bad idea.

lt's not always bad.
lt depends what he orders.

lf he orders breakfast, you're fine. lf he
just orders coffee, he wants to get out fast,

and you're history.

Where did you come up with that theory?

When l worked as a cashier in high school,

l got fired over coffee. When l was fired
from the bookstore, coffee.

When l was fired from the diner,
coffee to go.

Have you ever kept a job?

There's gotta be
a way out of this thing.

- Tim?
- What?!

- Bud Harper.
- Oh, Bud Harper.

- Good to see you.
- Good to see you. Heard a lot about you.

- Thank you. Sit down. Sorry l'm late.
- That's OK, l was working.

What can l get you guys?

Big breakfast.
Have a big one, a big breakfast.

Eggs, pancakes, toast, breakfast meats -
the whole left side of the menu. Same?

Oh, no.
Just coffee for me.

Oh, no. Oh, no. You gotta have breakfast.
lt is the foundation meal of the whole day.

Just coffee.

A lot of coffee.
Bring a whole bunch of coffee.

Uh, now, Tim.
l need to talk to you about your show.

l had my people study the ratings
and l don't like what they told me.

- Can l call you Bud?
- Absolutely.

Don't listen to what they say. My people
give me the wrong information all the time.

According to my people,
you don't have people.

Thank you.

Now, uh, Tim. l'm not gonna blow
a lot of sunshine up your butt.

Good, 'cause it sounds
like it might be kind of painful.

l've always loved Binford Tools.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- l think Tool Time is a great show.
- You do?

That's right. Together we can break out
of the local market and take it national.

Yeah. You mean,
like, all over Michigan?

No, no.
Like, all over the country.

l plan to sink major dollars into this show.
Build new sets.

We'll start out at ten new markets
and as the show becomes more profitable,

your salary will be commensurate.

Oh, boy.

There's always a catch, isn't there?

- You'll make more money.
- (grunting) Oh, that commensurate. Yeah!

Now...

Tim, there's an aspect of Tool Time
l need to talk to you about.

- sh**t.
- Well, when l was watching the show,

there was one thing that, l don't know,
just rubbed me the wrong way.

Ah, yeah.
You didn't like our salute to lubricants.

Oh, lubricants? No, no. Lubricants
is great television. No, no, no, no.

l'm talking about something l feel
is keeping the show from really taking off.

Gadget Corner.
We can dump it. l don't like it.

Oh, no.
l love Gadget Corner. Yeah...

So do l. l love that.
That's good, too.

- No, no, no. l'm... l'm talking about Al.
- What about Al?

Well, l know you guys
have been together a long time and l just...

- Six years.
- Yeah!

Oh, well, good. Well...
l'm gonna put this as delicately as possible.

Go ahead.

You gotta dump him.

Bud, l-l can't do Tool Time without Al.
Everybody loves Al.

Oh, no, no, no, not everybody.
Now, we did some audience testing

and the numbers show that Al is a big dud
with the younger viewers.

- l don't put stock in audience testing.
- Well, you tested through the roof.

On the other hand,
it's quite a valuable tool.

Oh, audiences love you. Of course, they
don't love you as much as they love Heidi.

Yeah, that's funny. You're not kidding?
Heidi tested better than me?

Heidi tested better than Santa Claus.

- OK, here are your egg dishes.
- Oh, it's great, Dolores.

Hot cereals and breakfast meats
will be out in a minute.

l'm really adamant
about this with Al. l have to...

- Your choice of bacon, ham or sausage.
- Sausage. The reason...

- Links or patties?
- Links. The first...

- Mild or spicy?
- Just surprise me!

l don't care much
about your testing, really,

because Al is a big hit with the seniors.

You go to any
early-bird special in this city,

you hear people talking about Al Borland.

Yeah, but that's the problem. The senior
crowd has already bought their tools.

We need new viewers who are hip,
not viewers who need a new hip.

l... l've been together with Al
for six years, though.

OK, you've got
plates of potatoes coming.

That's... That's just great, Dolores.

OK, l've got hash browns,
home fries or O'Briens.

Am l your only customer?

No, but you're my favorite.

Tim, listen to me,
l'm giving you the chance of a lifetime.

You can make a lot more money
and be a star.

Look, l want you to go toe-to-toe
with Bob Vila and crush him like a bug.

(grunting) Crush him like a bug.
More coffee!

Yeah.

- You like that.
- Yeah, crush him like a bug.

- Yeah.
- Yeah!

- Then you know what you gotta do?
- Yeah! What?

- Fire Al.
- You want me to fire Al?

Well, l can't do it.
My grandmother loves Al.

Brad, what's detention like?

lt's a drag. They sit you in a room,
then they yell at you

and finally,
they make you do your homework.

lt's just like being at home.

Except l can't get you
to do your homework.

Neither could they.
That's why Brad will be late today too.

Would you shut up?

- You got detention in detention?
- Yeah, but it wasn't my fault.

- lt's never your fault.
- Hey, thanks for understanding.

We're gonna talk about this later.
You better not get any more detention.

(# flute)

- Hey, Wilson.
- Well, hi-de-ho, neighborette.

How'd you like an obnoxious
teenaged son for the next few years?

lt wouldn't be first on my wish list.

lt's not first on mine either,
but l have no choice.

And l got two more hot on his heels.

(chuckles) Well, Brad is a good kid.
l'm sure it's just a phase.

l hope so.
He's driving me crazy.

lt's the first day of high school and
he's mouthing off and getting in trouble.

Ah, mm-hmm,
mm-hmm. Hm?

What happened to my sweet little boy?

lf it's any consolation, l myself was quite
the rapscallion when l was Brad's age.

- That's hard to believe.
- Oh, yes, indeedy. l was a holy terror.

What could you have done?

Well, l'm afraid to admit it,
but when l was in high school,

l was playing chess with my father...
and he had me hopelessly cornered.

And l, being the incorrigible rebel,
refused to concede defeat.

And l thought Brad was bad.

lt gets worse. So for punishment,
he sent me up to my room

and instead, l snuck out a window, across
the state line and went to a Monet exhibit.

You were a wild one.

Oh, yes, l was.
And look how normal l turned out.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi! What's in the bags?

Oh, about different kinds of sausage.

pounds of potatoes.

What happened with Bud Harper?

Well, he'd like to sink more money
into the show and take Tool Time national.

What? National? That's terrific!
That's going to be great for you and Al.

Well...

lt's going to be a lot greater for me
than it will be for Al.

What do you mean?

lf we make the move to national,
l'll make more money

and Al will make,
before taxes, nothing.

- He's going to fire Al?
- No, no, no. He wants me to fire Al.

That's terrible. l can't believe
they'd put you in that position.

- Me neither. l can't fire Al.
- Of course you can't.

lf l don't fire Al, they won't put money
into Tool Time and there goes my dream -

taking the show national,
making more money,

buying that vacation home
we've been thinking about.

The one on the lake with
the screened-in porch all the way around.

, square foot garage.

- Tell me why l'm giving this up again.
- 'Cause it's the right thing to do.

- What else you got?
- Tim.

This is an opportunity of a lifetime.
Don't l owe it to myself just to consider it?

l mean, Al is a good friend of mine,
but how loyal do l have to be?

Depends on how good a friend you are.

Look at it this way.
Maybe by firing Al, it would help his career.

How do you figure that?

When Bob Vila and Norm broke up,
no one thought Norm'd do anything.

Now he's got that
whittling thing on Channel .

Al would be devastated.
Tool Time is everything to him.

That's sick. What kind of guy dedicates
his whole life to a local cable show?

- Hello?
- Hello!

Hey, Al!
Look, it's Al.

- How did breakfast go? ls the rumor true?
- What rumor is that, Al?

Well, Heidi heard that Harper
wants to take the show national.

- He might have said something about it.
- That is our dream come true!

- Dreams die, Al.
- What are you talking about?

- l told him l wasn't interested.
- Why'd you say that?

l don't know. l thought it was the right thing
to do and l don't want to talk about it.

How could you possibly make a decision
like that without thinking how it affects me?

- Al...
- You're just... You're so selfish.

lt's always Tim, Tim, Tim.
Just once, what about Al?

What about breakfast?
l got pancakes, waffles...

l don't want breakfast. l want to know
why you're trying to ruin my career.

You wanna know why l don't
want to go national? l'll tell you...

Potatoes.
l got O'Brien potatoes, hash browns...

l thought l could count on you,
but all you can think about is yourself.

l guess you just forgot about
a little word called ''loyalty.''

Would you remind me one more time...
why l am giving up my dream for that man?

OK, OK, OK.
Nothing's coming.

- Yeah. So you're saying l should fire Al?
- l'm not saying that.

- You're implying it.
- l'm not.

Would you imply it?
Please, please, please?

l mean, how could you fire Al?
He's like part of our family.

Well, l just could treat him
like a member of your side.

Hey, hey. There's my man Tim.
Tim, how are you doing?

- Good.
- Good to see you.

Heard you drive up.
Sounds like a big block.

Good ear. l need to talk to you. l want
to set up interviews with new assistants.

Don't bother. l've thought about it
and l'm not doing the show without Al.

- What are you talking about?
- Even if it means staying right where l am.

l don't understand you.
Why are you going to the mat for this guy?

The only thing Al's done for you
is drag you down.

l'm not doing the show without Al.
He's a great tool man, he can fix anything

and besides that,
he's my friend.

You're making
a really bad business decision.

l don't see it that way.
My gut tells me your tests are wrong.

America would love Al
because Al loves America.

l do.

- Al, we were just talking about you.
- l heard.

Al, it's nothing personal. l just
don't think your style is right for the show.

W-wait a minute.
l think you're wrong.

l mean, is this man boring? Yes.

ls he dull beyond belief?
You bet.

A fashion nightmare?
Tell me somethin' l don't know!

Anybody can be hip or exciting.
One man dares to be dull.

One man has the courage to be
monotonous, tedious and uninteresting.

That man is Al Borland.

Thank you, Tim.

lt's the interplay between us
that makes the show popular.

Well, Tim, l respect your opinion,
but it's just your opinion and it's my money.

- Well, Tim is not interested in your money.
- Shut up, Al.

Let me prove we have what it takes
to go national. Put me in ten cities.

- No way.
- Eight cities.

- No, forget it.
- Five cities, Bud.

Tim. You know you're a loyal guy.

You went to bat for a friend
and l respect that.

- l'll put you in two new markets.
- We'll take it.

- lt's not up to you.
- Well, of course not.

- Done deal.
- All right. Good luck.

You've got six months to prove yourself.

- We won't let you down, Bud.
- All right.

l feel like the biggest jerk in the world.

l said all those horrible things
and you were just standing up for me.

Don't give it another thought.
You'd have done the same for me.

No. l am lucky to have a friend like you.
You're as big as they come.

Ohh...

You're getting the
''l'm going to hug you'' look...

- Just a little one.
- No, Al...

Argh!

You're pushing me.

- You're fired!
- l am not, you big friend, you.

l want to show you something...
unless you want to change.

No, we got an hour.
l'll stay casual.

All right, l've been thinking about going
national. l've got something big in mind.

- We've already done a Porta-Potti show.
- No. l made some adjustments.

A few modifications, OK?
All right.

You know how those guys
eat on the job site?

l got a man-size...

air freshener.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

l'll take this Porta-Potti
where it's never been before.

l'll make it easier
to move from job site to job site.

- And how are you gonna do that?
- Small motor.

(motor whirs)

And they were gonna fire me.

You're getting the
''l'm going to hug you'' look...

- Just a little one.
- No, Al...

Argh!

You're pushing me.

- You're fired.
- l am not, you big friend, you.