05x10 - Doctor in the House

[bunniefuu]

Like me, if you have a problem with space,

well, you can't do better than
the Binford telescopic ladder.

lf you're like Al, you'll need more than
a ladder to solve your problems.

The beauty of this ladder
is that, closed, it's only feet tall.

With a simple tug,
it expands to feet.

You just pull...
Oh, this is jammed or something, Al.

l'll just climb up there
and show ya how sturdy this is.

The Binford telescopic ladder,
just as supportive -

- Tim, you might wanna...
- Could l finish, Al?

- l just want ya to be careful so you don't -
- Aah!

The Binford telescopic ladder.

Perfectly safe for those of you
who read the safety instructions.

(end of music segment/
applause and cheering)

All right. Now is the time
we go to our mailbag.

That's right. Viewers write in
their questions, and l answer them.

And l give the correct information.

You're just a superhighway
of information, Al.

lf you wanna contact Al
via the computer,

he's on e-mail in the Flannel Net.

Heidi, my mailbag, please.

- Here you are, Tim.
- Thank you.

''Dear Tim and Al, my wife says l spend too
much money at the hardware store.

''What percentage of our budget
should l spend on tools?

Signed, Confused in Lansing.''

Take your entire budget, subtract your
house payment, if there is one,

utilities, phone, add up that total,

and forget about it and buy whatever
you want, huh? Ha-ha!

Remembering to leave a little aside
for your future divorce lawyer.

Whoa, this letter's from
Western Michigan University.

That's where my wife and l
went to college.

They must've seen our show,
and they want their diploma back.

Couldn't be further from the truth.
Listen.

''Dear Tim, in recognition
of the fine work you do,

we would like to bestow upon
you an honorary Ph.D.''

Arr-arr-arr.

Arr-arr-arr.

Oh, now wait a second. Your alma mater
wants to give you a doctorate?

That's right. Yeah.

From now on, you'll be
standing next to a doctor.

Which would make you my nurse.

Oh, no. Mom's giving away
our toys to charity again.

l hate when she does that.

We told her to keep the toys
and give you away,

but no charity would take ya.

When will you grow up
and stop playing with toys?

Hey, not all of this stuff is mine.

l believe this is
your whoopee cushion.

Hey, not the Gas Master.

This is a family heirloom.

Taylor men have been sliding it under
unsuspecting butts for generations.

Wait a second, Mom cannot
give away my dart g*n.

Glad l talked Mom
out of buying you a BB g*n.

What's the box?

Mom's giving away our toys
to charity again.

She can't give away our toys.

Especially not my spring-loaded eyeballs.
l love these things.

Guys, you won't believe
what happened today.

l got a Ph.D. from
Western Michigan University.

You?

You sure it's not a Ph.D-minus?

No, wise guy. lt's an honorary Ph.D. from
the engineering department.

Whoa-oa-oa.

You got a degree when
you didn't even earn it?

Can l get that type of deal
for high school?

l hope so.
lt's your only shot at graduating.

This is why we're
getting rid of those toys.

- So how was your day?
- Horrible.

My behavioral psych professor
has assigned yet another paper.

l haven't finished the first one.
l have to read these books by the weekend.

- What did you do today?
- Got a Ph.D.

- Very funny.
- Funny, huh?

Check out the letter
from Western Michigan.

You barely graduated, and they're giving
you an honorary degree?

Makes me wonder why l worked so hard
for the first one.

You didn't work at all.
You partied the whole time.

And the celebration continues.

(pounding)

- Tim, l'm trying to study here.
- l understand.

You're working hard to get
your advanced degree, too.

What are you doing?

l'm hanging up that letter
that says l'm gonna get a Ph.D.

- You framed the letter?
- Yeah.

l framed the envelope it came in, too.

(phone rings)

Hello.
Yes, this is Dr. Taylor.

Harry, real funny.
Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

He's calling me
Tim ''The School Man'' Taylor.

- Harry is droll.
- Huh? What? She called you a troll.

All right, l'll stop by
the hardware store.

Thanks. Bye. That was nice
of him to call, wasn't it?

- Yeah, it's really sweet. l've got to study.
- All right, no more interruptions.

(doorbell rings)

l have a delivery for a Dr. Taylor.

Hey, Doc, how do l get rid of
this big wart on my hand?

Ball-peen hammer, chisel.
lt'll pop right off.

Thanks, Doc.

- Jill, you didn't have to do this.
- l didn't.

Gosh, somebody really went overboard.
Who'd send such a huge arrangement?

Your mom and dad.

- What?
- They said, ''Dear son...''

They called me ''son'' instead
of ''Hey, you.'' l like that.

''lt's great to have Ph.D. in the family.
Love, Lillian and the Colonel.''

- l can't believe they did this.
- l can't believe it, either.

They barely acknowledge me going back
to school. Now they send you flowers?

Come on, Jill.
They're proud of my accomplishments.

- Accomplishments?
- Well, yeah.

l teach people from all walks of life

the complexities of tool usage
in an ever-changing world.

l believe l've actually
bridged the gap

between the world of hardware
and academia.

Now you just need to bridge the gap
between fantasy and reality.

- Hey, Wilson.
- Well, hi-ho, fairest of the Taylors.

- Jill, what time do you have?
- Uh, : .

Uh-uh-uh-uh. My new sundial seems to
be running a bit slow.

Maybe you should noodle
with your gnomon.

l beg your pardon.

The gnomon - it's that crossbar there.
lt should be pointing north.

Oh, ho-ho, well, thank you, Jill.

lt's such a pleasure having
a knowledgeable neighborette.

Huh! l may be knowledgeable,
but Tim's the one getting the Ph.D.

(chuckles)

Knowledgeable and funny, funny, funny.

- l'm not kiddin'. Didn't Tim tell you?
- No.

Western Michigan is giving
Tim an honorary doctorate.

Tim?

Yeah. Here l am k*lling myself
to get an advanced degree.

They just hand him one.
l'm trying not to be - l just can't -

Well, well, well.
Jill, Jill, Jill.

l've never been a proponent
of symbolic gestures,

but Tim is your husband,
he is my neighbor.

- We should be happy.
- (sighs) You're right.

A Ph.D.?

Tim? Aw, Jill, Jill,
Jill, Jill...

Do you realize how many hours
l had to study

to get my doctorate in forgotten languages
and extinct cultures? Oh, my, my, my.

Sitting in that library,
reading that insufferable microfilm

till l thought l would
practically go blind?

Not to mention that to support myself,
l volunteered for lab experiments. Oh, oh.

What really irritates me
about this whole thing...

- Wilson!
- Jill, Jill, talk me down, talk me down.

l came out here
so you'd talk me down.

- Oh, l'm sorry, Jill. l just lost control.
- l know. lt's OK, it's OK.

What can l say here that might
put this into perspective for both of us?

Oh, yes. The late senator
Dwight Morrow said

there are people who
do things and people who take the credit,

and the trick is to be in the first group.
There's a lot less competition.

- l see what you're sayin'.
- You feel any better?

- Not at all.
- Me, neither.

On the other hand, it is a honor for Tim,

and we have to put
our negative feelings aside

and just find a way to cheer him on.

Well, l know. He should be allowed to
enjoy this. l should be more supportive

And if the university is giving him a Ph.D.,
they must feel he is a worthy recipient.

(thumping)

Obviously they know something we don't.

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- (all) Tool Time!

Binford Tools is proud to present
the star of our show -

Dr. Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.

Thank you, and welcome to Tool Time
l am Dr. Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor,

and you all know my assistant -
Al ''Ma Mater'' Borland.

Yesterday, we talked about getting
insects out of your house.

And if that didn't bug ya, today we're
gonna talk about rodent removal.

We're gonna meet the man
who has a job no one else wants.

Actually, Tim, l have that job.

Let's do a warm Tool Time welcome to
the man who calls himself

(like Arnold Schwarzenegger)
''The Verminator.''

Duke Miller, come on out.

- Congratulations on your Ph.D.
- Thank you very much, Duke.

l myself attended a state-certified
rodent extermination school.

Yeah? Where'd you go, Ratcliffe?

No, but we did play them in football.

So, anyway, what got you interested
in extermination?

Well, Al, l've always loved animals.

Show the studio audience and
everyone at home the tools of the trade.

Sure thing. Now, displayed here on
the wall we have your basic glue boards.

- They're very effective.
- Mm-hm.

Now, these look to me to
be some type of a snap trap.

That's right.
They come in a variety of sizes

and accommodate both domestic
and imported cheeses.

Next, we have a more sophisticated
kind of trap.

l see that.
Vic, if you wanna come in here.

Looks like a double-hinged door there,
a large eating area,

and little glass skylights.

(chuckles)

Mice have a better pad than you do, Al.

These are humane traps.
The mouse doesn't get k*lled.

You can make him a pet.

So the mouse goes in
the little door here and... Aah!

Aah!

This is it. Sangren Hall.

Seems like yesterday l shot spit wads
at the ceiling. Now l'm getting a Ph.D.

And we are so pleased
for you, aren't we, boys?

(all. unenthused) Pleased, yeah.

Honey, isn't this where we took sociology?

Yeah. l got my first ''A'' in that class.

- Dad, what'd you get?
- A lot of sleep.

Dad, are all these people
getting fake degrees?

No. Most of these people
had to work years to get 'em.

Chumps.

Dad, where's the bathroom?

l believe it's still
down that hallway back there.

When you get in there, see if your mom
is still mentioned in stall four.

Hey, does everybody know
what time it is?

- Ph.D. time.
- lt's great to see you again, Tim.

And you would be?

Your old philosophy teacher -
Professor Garver.

Ah, yes, philosophy. ''l think,
therefore l am.'' Descartes.

Good for a guy
who was never in class.

l thought l was there,
therefore l probably was.

l passed you,
therefore you're lucky.

- This is my wife Jill.
- How do you do?

- Nice to meet you.
- You must be very thrilled for Tim.

Oh, thrilled doesn't begin
to describe how l feel.

Ecstatic beyond belief.
Really, really proud.

- We all are. Excuse me.
- Proud, proud, proud.

- You're going overboard.
- l'm trying to be supportive.

l know this is honorary,
but it means a lot to me.

- Hi, Tim.
- Hi.

Barbara Besson.
l'm on the fund-raising committee.

Hi there.
This is my wife Jill.

- Nice to meet you.
- Hello. Nice to meet you.

Oh, Tim, it's really great
to have you back here.

lt's really great
to be allowed back here.

You are gonna do fantastic things
for this university.

l think we'll be able to build the new library
with the donations you'll help us get.

- What are you talking about?
- You're a big celebrity in construction,

and we'll be able to use you to solicit
contributions from the building community.

- Solicit contributions.
- Mm, and he'll be wonderful at it.

That's why l really pushed to have
him get this doctorate.

Some members of the committee wanted to
give it to an award-winning poet.

Like he could help us raise a dime.

But that's not the only reason
you're giving Tim the degree.

- They appreciate Tool Time. right?
- Tool Time?

- My show.
- Oh, yes!

l've never seen it, but l hear it's very cute.
See you at the podium.

Cute, real cute. Feel like an idiot.
l feel like an idiot.

The reason l'm here is because
they want a celebrity to solicit funds.

Hey, hey, she just is from
the fund-raising committee.

She doesn't represent
everybody at Western.

Even if they give this to
you because you're a celebrity,

you have a great show.

Binford hired you because you did so
well in engineering at Western.

- You believe that?
- Yes, l do. l'm sorry. l...

l should've been
more supportive all along.

l was feeling jealous because it's gonna be
so many years until l get my doctorate.

The presentation of the Ph.D.s
is about to begin.

By the time l get my Ph.D., l'll be too old to
remember what Ph.D. stands for.

Don't feel bad. l'm just about to get one,
and l still don't know what it stands for.

Knock 'em dead.

Now we'd like to present
this year's honorary doctorate

to an alumnus - class of ' .

A man who, day in and day out,
teaches people that,

with the right tools,
anything is possible.

Let's give a warm Western Michigan
University welcome

to Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.

Professor Hankey.

Thank you.

Ahem. Thank you all.

l, uh... Oh, boy.

Ahem.

You know, the last time
l gave a speech at Western,

l was actually in the dean's office.
Remember that?

Trying to convince her
to not kick me out of school.

l had those women's underpants
on my head.

lt was frat week.
lt was a long time ago.

He's dyin'.

You know, my dad taught me years ago
that a tool in your hands

keeps those hands out of trouble.

What this university taught me

was that education is perhaps
the greatest tool of 'em all.

Of course, my first
couple years here,

l thought a corkscrew
was the best tool...

But seriously, l want you all to know
how much l appreciate this award.

l really do. l also want you to know
l have nothing but respect for all of you

who have put in years of work
to earn an advanced degree -

one student out there in particular.
So here is to higher education.

Let me help you.

- Uh, watch your hand on that.
- Aah!

l know how she feels,
l'll tell ya that.

But that felt good there
just at the beginning of that.

l've been there.

Uh, l suppose you wanna
see me in your office.

Well, it's time once again to dip into
the ol' mailbag. Heidi, the mailbag, please.

l bet your anxious to read all those letters
congratulating you on your Ph.D.?

l don't think we'll have time
to read them all, Al.

l think we might.

Todd from Toledo writes, ''Dear Tim,
when l heard you were getting a Ph.D.,

three words came to mind -
Why not Al?''

Thanks, Todd. ''He's the one
who works his tail off day in, day out.

''lt's time for America
to cheer for Albert Borland,

who slaves...''
l can't read this, Todd.

Tirelessly.

- How did you know what that said?
- l guessed.

Did you, or is it possible
that Albert Borland is Todd from Toledo?

How could you stoop
to something so dumb?

l don't know.

But there's no use reading this letter
from Andy from Akron.

Actually, uh, Mr. Smarty Flannel,

this is - further from the truth -
Here, look. ''Dear T...'' (laughs)

The voice.

(gibberish)