03x12 - Twelve Angry Appliances

[bunniefuu]

Okay, kids, something new for today.
It's called Record Hour.

Stuff Record Hour.
I'd rather have lunch hour.

No, Stephanie, you just had lunch,

and somewhere,
a small country's going hungry.

What's Record Hour, Mork?

Oh, well, Record Hour's…

Mindy gave us a record player
so we can play records

I've been wanting to play.
All those wonderful stories.

Today we have a fairy tale
documentary

called w*r of the Worlds.

It's told to us by the biggest Mother
Goose of them all, Orson Welles.

There we go. Watch this.
Here we go. Watch this.

Spin. Okay, yeah. Manual.

There we are. There we go.

We bought it from Nixon's secretary.
Hold on.

Well, there seems to be,

as the Egyptians say,
tut-tut, a problem.

Oh, yeah, I k*lled it.

I've committed stereocide.

Stereocide, stereocide. No.

I'm gonna go to Dolby hell for this.

I guess Record Hour
just bit the dust.

Oh, no, it didn't. No, no, no.

The show must go on, Jose,
because if not,

we'll lose our grant
from The Chrysler Foundation.

Come on. Wait, we'll start over from
the beginning. All right, here we go.

Once upon a time, a group of people
decided to leave their home,

and heads towards, heads towards,
heads towards…

Heads towards Earth.
Thank you, Jon.

That's the way the record does it
at Mindy's house.

It's a little touch of realism here.

Mork, could you finish the story
while we're still kids?

Thank you, Lola. No pressure.

Now, basically,
the story ends like this.

All these aliens landed in Hollywood.

They were put on hold,
and they d*ed a horrible death. Well…

That's all for today.
Time for playtime.

Mrs. Fowler's waiting for you
out in the yard.

Don't tie her up
like you did yesterday.

Someone tied a real good hitch knot.

Have a good time. Be careful.

Be careful.

That's okay, Mork.
We know you meant well.

Thanks for the pity, Jonathan.

I blew it in front of all the munchkins.

What am I gonna tell Mindy
about her record player?

Everybody with a working
record player take one step forward.

Not so fast, McConnell.

Hi.

What makes you think something's
wrong with your record player?

What?

All right, all right. All right.
I'll tell you.

Well, your record player is
se habla appliance, finito.

Oh, no, not again.
I just got this thing fixed last week.

Well, obviously,
the repairman did a crummy job.

I thought everyone on Earth
took pride in what they did, Mind.

Well, most do, Mork.

Let's just hope this repairman
is one of them.

Strange. Throughout the universe,
all work is guaranteed.

Even I have a warranty
from the laboratory I was made in.

- For what?
- Well, ankle blowouts, rusted skin.

Coughing up frogs.

Wait a minute.
They guarantee Orkans?

Yeah, I was the only Orkan
ever to be recalled.

What?

Wait a minute.
Don't tell me you coughed up a frog.

Oh, no, no.
I was jogging at the speed of sound.

I turned the corner real fast,
and my rear end fell off.

But… But they fixed it, Mind.
No ifs, ands or butts.

Hello, Strand's Repair Shop?
This is Mindy McConnell.

Yes, the same one
that called you this morning.

I thought I'd try to convince you
one more time.

But I already paid for it once.

Tough what?

Now, listen you…
Wait, don't put me on hold. I…

They put me on hold.

Come in. I mean, come in.

Hi, Mindy.
Did we catch you at a bad time?

I hate it when they put you on hold.

And they're playing
"Put On A Happy Face."

Oh, I'll just call him back later.

My, my, it isn't often we see
the dark side of Mindy Poppins.

We're gonna take a little drive
up into the snow,

and we thought maybe you and Mork
wanted to come

and help build snowwomen.

Anatomically correct
until the sun comes out.

Oh, thanks, you guys,
but Mork's not here,

and I'm too ticked off
to go anywhere.

Wait, we're family,
and we think as one.

Let me guess what's troubling you.
Crime in the streets?

Yes, but not this time.

I'm mad because I took my
stereo down to have it fixed last week,

and this week, it doesn't work again
for the same reason,

and I can't get the repairman to stand
behind his work and fix it again.

You know, I have a system that works
for me when something breaks down.

Maybe it'll work for you.

- What's that?
- I throw it away and buy a new one.

Glenda, you'd throw away
a perfectly good stereo?

Well, I'd take the records off first.

Isn't that a little bit wasteful?

No, not really. I do it to relieve stress.

You see,
I just don't throw things away.

I give them a sound thrashing first.

Glenda, you're so esoteric.

That's what I like about you.

And that's what I like about you.
That you like that about me.

You know, Glenda,

I feel the stirrings of something special
between us, don't you?

No.

Maybe if I got her drunk.

Oh, Mind.
Mind, kiss those repair blues goodbye.

Boy. Boy, we're gonna sue
that sucker real bad.

We're gonna habeas his corpus,

or my name isn't F. Lee Mork.

What's the little jellybean
chattering about now?

I'm not chattering at all. After I read
these law books from the library…

Look. Look at this, Mind.
"Disney v. Duck."

When did you get a library card?

Card?

You can't take books out of the library
without a card.

No wonder that old lady
hurdled over the desk and chased me.

She would have caught me too
if her cane hadn't snapped.

Nice try, guy,
but you're wasting your time.

- Lawsuits drag on for years.
- Why does justice take so long?

Because lawyers are paid
by the hour.

Well, I just can't let him get away
with this.

I'm going down there
and I'm gonna make him fix this thing.

If he won't,
at least I'll have the satisfaction

of giving him a good piece
of my mind.

I should go.
In case you give him too much,

you might need someone
to show you the way home.

Mindy, you should come on that drive
with us.

A couple of hours in the snow,

and you'll see
how unimportant turntables are

in the grand scheme of life.

It puts everything into perspective.
The crisp, chilly, frosty air.

It's a winter wonderland.

Well, thanks, you guys. It sounds
great, but I have to take care of this.

While we're in that wonderland,
we could do some favors for people,

like we'll chip the frozen birds
off the trees and fling them south.

Oh, boy, Mork.

- I hope I can hold my temper.
- That's all right, Mind.

Here, you hold the record player.
I'll hold your temper.

- Can you just put it on the table there?
- Yeah.

That's him. That's Mr. Strand.

Oh, he seems like a nice man.
Watch this.

- Hello.
- What the hell do you want?

Mind, not my lucky day.

Mr. Strand, I'd like you to fix this.

Wasn't this thing in here last week?

As a matter of fact, it was,
and it still doesn't work.

- So?
- So I think you should fix it.

Sure, I'd be happy to fix it for you.

- You would?
- Yep, for my basic service charge.

- What?
- He said his basic…

I heard what he said, Mork,
but that's not fair.

I brought this thing in last week.
You didn't fix it right.

I think now you should fix it again
for free.

Look, lady, this thing worked fine
when it left the shop here.

You want that fixed free?
You gotta go to the manufacturer.

- Okay, where is that?
- Taiwan.

Thank you. When do they close?

Listen, mister. For your information,
I happen to work for KTNS-TV,

and I think a lot of people
would be real interested

to hear how you do business.

Terrific. While you're at it, why don't
you tell them about this mixer?

It's been here for a month.
It belongs to Ralph Nader.

Now, get out of my shop.

Oh, Mork, if I wasn't a lady,
I'd drop him.

That's all right, Mind, I'm no lady.
Watch this.

All right, sir, you think you're so tough?
Come on.

I dare you to knock this
off my shoulder. Come on.

Hey, hey, you're talking to a guy

that doesn't know the meaning
of the word quit.

Oh, quit: verb, intransitive, means
to cease or desist a plan of action.

That's it. Go on.
Out, out, get out of here.

All right, we're going,

but you haven't heard
the last from me, Mr. Strand.

And you haven't seen the last of her,
Mr. Strand.

Go on. Get the heck out of here.

Couldn't we talk this over a couple
of sissy drinks in a fern bar?

I'm warning you.

What are you, Jack the Whipper?

Come on,
you wanna mix it up with me?

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- I'm not afraid of you.
- No?

Yeah, but my feet are. Two to one,
they win. Don't fail me now.

Mind, Mork is one consumer
who's had enough.

Listen,
I've written all the way to the top.

"Dear Pope John Paul."

"Morkus Orkus."

Oh, talk about your fast service.
That's His Eminence now.

Mind, get some ermine.
Quick, get some ermine.

Ave Mari…

Oh, it's you. I thought it was the guy
with the little red shoes.

Don't try to figure it out.

Yeah, well, look,
I was on my way home from rehearsal,

and I thought I'd drop by
and take a look at your record player.

Thanks, Dad,
but it's a complicated machine.

Well, honey,
I used to fix all your toys.

Remember when I put
that front wheel back on your tricycle?

It worked fine.

Yeah, until the night
I rode down Feldman's hill.

But you said the sparks were pretty.

Oh, Pops, I didn't know
you were an appliance doctor.

- Dad.
- Well, it always works on my TV.

Hey, here's that screwdriver
you asked to borrow.

Be careful with it. My parents
gave it to me for graduation.

It tells you a lot about the folks,
doesn't it?

- That's a real sweet gift, Bick.
- Yeah, it's a family trait.

I hope the screwdriver doesn't work.

It's nice to have a break

from that sound-effects record
Mork keeps playing.

It's not easy to get a woman
in the mood

with the sound
of stampeding elephants

coming from the next apartment.

No, no, no, that's Ferrets in Love.

I'll wait for the video disc.

Honey, don't worry. We'll get it fixed.

I'll have this manual figured out
in two or three weeks.

You know,
I had a typewriter fixed once,

but when I started writing
my greeting cards,

it still wouldn't type the letter I.

Can you imagine?
Good luck on your trip.

Nighty night.
Oh, hello, Fred, it's always fun.

Honey, why don't we
just save ourselves the aggravation,

and I'll pay for the repair myself?

Oh, Dad. I mean, thanks, anyway,
but it's the principle here that counts.

I mean, millions of people are
taken advantage of like this every year.

Well, there's gotta be some way
of getting justice.

Justice.

Wheels turning.

Something's happening
Something big

Mork has a better idea, Mind.

Mork, what's going on
in that fertile Orkan mind?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing at all. Just that justice moves
in strange ways.

See you later.

Yeah,
and I thought he'd never adjust.

I don't wanna see that Cuisinart
in here again.

Music to my ears.

One, two, three, four.

What, what, what?

That will teach me
to fix my own lights.

Oh, hey. What?

Augustus J. Strand.

Who are you?

- What are you?
- I am Tommy Kilowatt.

Oh, no.

The Ghost of Appliances Past.

And you… Don't waste power.

And you are being put on trial
by the Supremes Court…

No, no. you can't hurry love

…for your mistreatment of appliances
and their poor owners.

Trial? What? No, no.

We're closed up for the…

- I'm getting out of here.
- No.

Closed?

You think justice
punches a time clock?

Do you think truth works 9 to 5?

Does Geraldo Rivera
ever stop talking?

I say nay.

Let the trial begin.

Presiding over tonight's circuit court,

the Honorable Judge
Oliver T. Wendell Tube.

All those present
shall speak through me.

Court shall now come to order.
Bailiff, seat the defendant.

Thank you, bailiff.

Prosecutor, call your first witness.

Thank you, Your Honor.

It's a privilege to be in this court
here this evening.

I'd like to call my first witness,
Mr. Ozzie T. Rizer,

or as his friends call him,
Yo Blender.

Do you promise to tell the truth,

and nothing but the truth,
so help your circuits?

Thank you.
Now, Mr. Blender, you're under oath.

How many times
have you been in this repair shop?

He's lying.

I object, Your Honor. Since when
does the defendant speak blender?

Four times.

- Four times for a simple loose plug?
- No. No.

That's shocking. Now…

I would like to call
my next defendant.

Model DX-3000,
please roll forward if you may.

Would you please tell the court
what was life like with this man here?

Sorry, Your Honor.
It's a foreign import.

I'll have to translate.

Hold it right there, please. Hold it.

Well, this man would sell his mother
to his father.

Oh, no.

I've done nothing wrong, I tell you.

- Nothing. Nothing wrong.
- Oh, yes?

- Yes.
- Au contraire, mon skinflint.

We have more evidence here
to hang you high.

Look, lady, it worked fine
when it left the shop.

You want it fixed free,
you take it back to the manufacturer.

How did you…? How did you get that?
How did you do that?

- Oh, the magic of wonderment.
- It's a trick.

- No trick, voodoo, grigri.
- Grigri?

We have another witness here
to testify against you.

Mr. Harry P. Dryer.

Harry, will you please tell the court
what this man has done to you?

Your Honor, what can I say?
He's an animal.

He's abused me.
If I had a foot, I'd stamp it.

Your Honor,
I never laid a hand on him.

Why am I pleading to a TV?

Members of the jury,
do you believe this man?

It's a frame-up. I'm innocent.

I tell you, it's a frame-up.
I'm innocent. Innocent. Innocent.

Order in the court.
Order in the courtroom now.

- I'm innocent.
- I said quiet!

Clerk, strike that noise
from the record, please.

Well, when do I get a chance
to speak for myself?

Oh, of course.
I'm your defense lawyer too.

- You?
- Yes, I'm AC/DC.

Hey, don't worry about nothing.
Don't you worry about a thing.

Hey, we'll get you out of here
before you can say John Dean.

Don't worry about this.

It's weird, these things talking to you.
Don't let it bother you.

I'd like to call a surprise witness.

Don't worry about that.
A surprise witness for you.

Hey, hey, hey, how are you?
How are…?

I've been in Mr. Strand's shop now
for over 40 years.

So much for the defense.

- I don't know what happened.
- Well, I was gonna fix it tomorrow.

I was. I was.

Jury, have you reached a verdict?

I'm innocent.

I'm innocent! I'll change!
I give you my word!

The verdict is guilty.

Have mercy on me.

And your word has been broken
so many times.

- It's beyond repair.
- Have mercy! I beg of you!

Court is adjourned.

And order in the court.
Order in the court. Order in the court.

Wha…?

It couldn't have been real.

No, no, no.

- Yeah, I must have been dreaming.
- No way, sucker.

How are we feeling today?

Let's see. Let's take a look.

Thirty-three and a third.

Not too bad. Cough. Cough.

- Morning.
- Oh, morning, Mind.

Feign nonchalance.

Mind, I think today
is a wonderful day

to take the record player
back to the shop.

No, Mork, I think today
is a wonderful day to go to work,

and make money to buy a new one.

Oh, Mind. I think things would be a
lot different if you'd take it back today.

I don't know, there's this kind of…

Strange feeling passing through me

Mork, you didn't happen to go
to the repair shop last night, did you?

Could be.

And you didn't happen to talk
to Mr. Strand, did you?

Could be, part two.

Why am I worried to hear
about could be, part three?

Hi. Miss McConnell?

I… I just came by to apologize to you.

I'm taking care of all
my dissatisfied customers personally.

Let's see now.
You had the record player, right?

- Right.
- Yeah, well, I'll have this back to you

early Monday morning.

It'll be all fixed free of charge.

Well, that's great, Mr. Strand,
but why the sudden change of heart?

Well, let's just say that I…

I had a nightmare last night.

Anyway, it made me realize

that I should take a lot more pride
in my work.

Oh, this has got a little scratch.

You know, you ought to treat your
appliances with a lot more respect.

They have feelings too, you know?

Come on.
Come on, little fella, here we go.

See you.

Bye.

Mork,
he's like a completely different man.

- What could have gotten into him?
- Oh, nothing on Earth, Mind.

Wait a minute.

When you went to the repair shop, you
didn't happen to…anything, did you?

Wrong hand, Mind.

Mork, you know you shouldn't
go around zapping things all the time.

But this time you did good.

I did good?
Well, that's the second time this week.

Oh, what was the first time?

Remember you said, "Anyone
who's really famous in television"

has their name
known all over town"?

Mind, you are gonna be up there
in lights.

- I mean, a known success.
- I am?

See, I went all over Boulder,

and wrote your name
in every phone booth in town.

For a perky time, call Mindy.

That's for you.

Hello?

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Your Boob-Tubeness.

- Is that you, Mork?
- Oh, yes, sir.

Talk about
your bad connections here.

Beebs, have you been chewing
on the lines again?

Lorne Greene said kibble, not cable.

- Mork, pull yourself together.
- Yes, sir.

Good to have you back.
Sorry, sir, I lost my head.

Have you been tinkering
with your knobs again?

Oh, no way, sir.
I just had my 3,000-report checkup.

I must be suffering
from that universal disease

called shoddy workmanship.

One of the main symptoms is feeling
like you've just been ripped off.

What causes this disease?

Well, sir, apathy,
lack of pride in one's work, greed.

What happened to responsibility?

Well, sir, it's in the shop.
It'll be ready Tuesday.

You see, I've learned that
most Earthlings consider a job

just a way of making money.

Isn't there a saying on Earth,
"Money talks"?

Yeah, sir, but nothing speaks
as eloquently as a job well done,

or Brooke Shields' jeans saying,
"Give me air."

Until next week, sir.