05x18 - When Harry Kept Delores

[bunniefuu]

- We have a very special Tool Time today.
- Yeah, we do!

Making a rare TV appearance, one of the
biggest superstars we've had on this show.

l want you to give
a warm Tool Time welcome to...

a customized Mercury.

(cheers and applause)

(Tim) Not bad, huh?

Actually, this is not our guest today. Our
special guest is the man that owns this car.

- Oh, him.
- Yes.

He happens to be the Country Music
Association's ''Entertainer of the Year.''

Let's have a big Tool Time welcome
for a great singing star and fellow Al,

Mr. Alan Jackson.

That's quite a car.
Who did the customizing for you?

- l thought you were taller than that.
- l look bigger on TV.

- Joe Bailon.
- Joe Bailon!

He's a classic customizer. One of the best.
Could get him on the show for us?

Tim, Mr. Jackson is here because he has
graciously offered to sing us a song.

- All right. Sing for me.
- l got a Mercury song, ''Mercury Blues.''

You want to see Alan sing
''Mercury Blues''?

Yeah!

# Well, if l had money, l tell you what l'd do

# l'd go downtown
and buy a Mercury or two

# Crazy about a Mercury

# Lord, l'm crazy about a Mercury

# l'm gonna buy me a Mercury
and cruise it up and down the road

# Well, a girl l love,
stole her from a friend

# He got lucky, stole her back again

# She heard he had a Mercury

# Yeah, she's crazy about a Mercury

# l'm gonna buy me a Mercury
and cruise it up and down the road

(low chatter)

# Well, hey, now, Mama, you look so fine

# Riding around in your Mercury '

# Crazy about a Mercury

# Yeah, she's crazy about a Mercury

# l'm gonna buy me a Mercury
and cruise it up and down the road

# Well, if l had money, l tell you what l'd do

# l'd go downtown
and buy a Mercury or two

# Crazy about a Mercury

# Lord, have mercy
l'm crazy about a Mercury

# l'm gonna buy me a Mercury
and cruise it up and down the road

# l'm gonna buy me a Mercury
and cruise it up and down the road

# Yeah, l'm gonna buy me a Mercury
and cruise it up and down the road

(cheers and applause)

Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Jackson!

How come you're having people over
for dinner? l thought you hated that.

lt's a social obligation.

Harry and Delores had us for dinner.
So, we're having them.

Then they'll want us again.
And we'll have them.

Then us, then them, and then us again.
lt's... it's kind of a vicious cycle, actually.

- Can't you do anything to stop the cycle?
- Nope.

My generation is doomed.

My only hope is that you young people
can finally put an end to this madness.

Yeah. We'll get right on it right after we
patch up that little hole in the ozone layer.

(doorbell)

l'll get it.

- Hi, Mark.
- Hi, guys. See you later.

- Oh, aren't you boys joining us?
- Dad said we didn't have to stay.

- Hey, did he mention if l have to?
- Very nice, Harry.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Jill.

Hey. Can l get you guys
something to drink?

Yeah. l can use a drink
after a day like today.

- Why? What happened?
- l woke up and Delores was next to me.

Yeah. Well, the view from my side
wasn't exactly a Kodak moment.

- Thanks.
- The family well?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Little Jimmy out of that reform school yet?

No, but he and his buddies
are working on a plan.

- Would you like to sit down?
- Sure.

So, what else is new?

Well, they cut my hours back at the coffee
shop from full-time to one day a week.

Oh, Delores, l'm so sorry.

Of course, they didn't take any hours
away from the younger, prettier waitress.

She's years old!

They didn't take any of her time
because she's nicer than you.

l'm nice! Tim and Jill think l'm nice!

Don't you think l'm nice?

- Oh, yeah. So nice.
- Yes.

You give new meaning to the word ''nice.''

So, Delores, does this mean
that you have to look for a new job now?

Yeah. Of course l wouldn't have to if Harry
ran the hardware store more efficiently.

What's wrong with the way
l run the hardware store?

ln a nutshell - everything.

You let your lazy, bum friends hang out
and buy nothing. l should work there.

- l don't want you anywhere near my store.
- l'd whip it in shape and double the profits.

Let me jump in. Harry's hardware store
is not just a place to buy things.

lt's also a place where men hang out.
Women don't belong there.

Really, Tim?

Where do women belong?

A woman's hangout.

Beauty parlor. Yarn Barn.

lf Delores wants to work in the hardware
store, l see no reason why she shouldn't.

Thank you for your support, Jill.

Delores, it'll be a cold day in July before
you get anywhere near my hardware store!

Guess what, Harry.
Summer's coming early this year!

Let's eat!

- Bye, Harry! Bye, Delores!
- (car engine roaring)

Harry, slow down the car
so Delores can get in!

- That went well.
- Yeah. Thanks a lot.

- For what?
- For trying to ruin the hardware store.

That's like the last refuge l have
on this planet.

l thought that was the bathroom.

Why did you tell her it was a great idea
to work in the store?

Because l think it is.

What do you do in the hardware store
that you can't do when Delores is there?

- Guy stuff.
- What kind of guy stuff?

- l can't tell you. lt's secret guy stuff.
- Oh!

Please. All you guys do is hang
around the store all day

and complain about your wives.

Who told?

Gotta be some doughnuts in here
someplace.

- Hey, Benny! l found it!
- Great.

You freeloaders!
You got five minutes to buy something.

Otherwise, you're out on your fat rumps!

Brings a soft, gentle quality
to the hardware store.

Being around her is depressing. l have half
a mind to go out and look for a job.

How do you think l feel? l'm part owner,
and she makes me feel like a stock boy.

Hey, stocky boy! Run across the street
and get me some hot tea.

Yeah, ''stocky boy.''

Remember how she likes it -
two sugars and a big lump of arsenic.

- Hey, guys.
- Guess your day's going better than ours.

Guess again. The Mustang's in the shop.
l'm driving Jill's Nomad.

l hate driving her car. l get in there...
no gas, hasn't been washed in months.

Cookie crumbs in the front seat.
Why can't she take care of a car?

Could it be that she's a tad busy
going to school, raising three kids

and making sure you have a nice house
to come home to?

Could be.

This is unbelievable!
Something's wrong with this country

if you can't walk in a hardware store
and complain about your wife!

l can't find anything back there! Delores
insisted on filing the clamps alphabetically.

- You gotta do that by size.
- She thinks size doesn't matter.

Lucky for you.

Now, see? That's the kind of joke we can't
tell anymore with Delores around here.

- Do something about your wife.
- What do you expect me to do?

Stand up to her.
You faced the enemy in Nam, didn't you?

Yeah, well, they were only trying to k*ll me,
not run my life.

- Come on, you can do it!
- You can do it.

Harry! Harry! Harry! Harry...

Hey! Hey!

Why don't you Neanderthals
take the pep rally back to the cave?

No retreat, no surrender.

(mouthing)

Delores, l want to talk to you!

Oh, really? What about?

About you taking a hike. l don't want you
working in my hardware store anymore!

- Why? Because your friends don't like it?
- lt's not that we don't like it...

- Why are you getting in our business?
- Because you're in my business!

- Good point.
- No one asked you.

Also a good point.

Harry, you've gotta decide
who comes first -

your stupid friends or me.

Hm.

When you put it that way,
my stupid friends!

All right, Harry. Keep your hardware store.
l'm outta here, and l'm not coming back.

- ls that a promise?
- Yeah. And l'll promise you another thing.

When you get home tonight,
l'm not gonna be there either!

Wait a minute. Delores, hold on...
Harry, come on.

Aren't you gonna go after her?
l think she's serious about leaving you.

One can only hope.

Man, is it great having
the hardware store back.

What a relief.
l was this close to looking at the want ads.

Hey, guys. Talk to Harry? ls he here?

No. He overslept.
Said it was the first time in years

he didn't have Delores's face
to shock him awake.

Guys, this means they really split up.
He must feel terrible.

# Oh, what a beautiful morning

# Oh, what a beautiful day

# l've got a beautiful feeling

Hi, guys. Hey, how are you doing here?

Oh, man! l feel like a million bucks!

Yeah, Harry's pain's
really overwhelming him.

Hey, Benny. Look what l got you.
Your favorite - doughnuts with sprinkles.

All right! Thanks, Harry.

- Harry, you sure you feel all right?
- l feel great.

ln fact, l'm in such a good mood, l'm gonna
give you half off on that saber saw.

Aw, hell! Just take it.

Harry...

Um...

Harry, you've been married years, man.
You gotta feel a little bad about this. Huh?

Yeah, you're right, Tim.
l... l do feel bad...

that it didn't happen years ago!

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi.

This is so nice. lt's a thank-you note from
Delores for having them over for dinner.

- Why is it only from Delores?
- Because men hate to write these.

You get a thank-you note from a man,
you know his wife is dead.

We're guys. How come you make us
write thank-you notes?

Because l'm trying to change the world
one boy at a time.

- We'll be sure to send you a thank-you.
- Hmm.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Got a thank-you note from Delores.
- That'll be the last one from her.

Stopped by the hardware store.
They are splitting up.

- Oh, no. That's awful.
- You wouldn't know that talking to Harry.

He's acting like this is the greatest thing
that happened to him.

- He is?
- Yeah.

You know what? l'm not buying it.
They argue a lot, yes.

He loves her.
Deep down this guy is hurting.

- Oh, my God!
- What happened?

Did you just hear yourself?
You had an insight!

- Me?
- Yes.

And it was incredibly sensitive.

lnstead of taking Harry's behavior
at face value,

you looked deeper and saw his inner pain.

l didn't mean to.
l swear to God l didn't mean to do that.

- You know what's happening, don't you?
- No.

You're evolving.

No, l'm not! And you take that back!

- lt's true. You are.
- Now, now, now.

You're just saying that because you want
to believe that you married a deep guy.

- No, l don't.
- Yes!

You're just trying to prove that you married
somebody different than your father.

Wow!

What?

That was an even more profound insight
than the one that you had about Harry!

l can't stop myself.
What's happening to me?

You're becoming insightful.

Oh, no.

Don't fight it, Tim. Come over to our side.

Oh, no. Never. You and your kind
have done enough damage already.

- Hi, Wilson.
- Well, hidy-ho, good neighbor.

l was just on my way over there to wish
you and Jill a happy Terminalia Day.

- Happy Terminalia Day?
- Mm-hmm.

- What's this one all about?
- Ah, Terminalia Day.

This is a Roman festival
where neighbors bond with each other

in order to promote the spirit
of community.

Wonderful. How do they do that?

Well, traditionally,
they slaughter a suckling pig

and then they splatter their fences
with its blood.

Well, l've slaughtered a marriage
this week. Bring on the pig!

- Trouble with you and Jill?
- No.

Trouble with Harry and Delores.

Oh.

You're telling me that Delores and Harry
may bid each other a not-so-fond adieu.

This has nothing to do
with a bowl of hot cheese.

l gathered that, Tim.

This is about a couple that shouldn't
split up. He's singing about it.

But l know differently. l know somewhere
this guy still loves her. l know that!

Tim, that is so insightful.

Don't start with me. Just give me some
advice on how l can help my friend Harry.

- Well, have you tried talking to him?
- Yes, l've tried talking to him.

l've been to the store.
But he acts like nothing's going on.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Tim, l'm reminded of the French author,
Andre Gide, who wrote:

''lt is not by plugging away
at a difficulty that one can overcome it.

Often it's by working
on the difficulty next to it.''

Ah! l did not know that.

lf you're having trouble getting through
to Harry,

why don't you try to approach Delores?

- Oh, talk to Delores.
- Mm-hmm.

l could do that.

Or shove my head in a bench grinder.

l'll be right with you.

- What do you want?
- l want to talk about Harry.

Sorry, that's not on the menu.
What's it gonna be?

- Ever since you left, Harry's not himself.
- l'm heartbroken.

Now, just order something
and leave me a big tip.

l'll have eggs. He really misses you.

- Scrambled or fried?
- Scrambled. He's a mess.

- How do you know?
- The way he's been acting.

He's moping around, huh?

Well, in a singingdancingmoping
kind of way.

He's singing and dancing
now that l'm gone?

l know that sounds bad. But covering
because he really misses you.

Of course he misses me.
What's not to miss?

- Miss, could l get a little more coffee?
- When l'm good and ready!

l might have said things
that made the situation worse.

l hate to see a good marriage go bad.

What does a good marriage have
to do with me and Harry?

l know Harry still loves you. l can tell by
the twinkle in your eye that you love him.

lt's pinkeye. You want toast?

No.

lf Harry misses me so much, why doesn't
he come down here and tell me himself?

You know how stubborn he can be.

- Uh, what about my coffee?
- What? Your legs broken?

- ls that decaf?
- ls that what you want?

- Yes.
- Then that's what it is.

When you end your shift, why don't you go
to the store and talk to him?

- l don't know.
- l've known Harry a long time.

l've never known him to go a day
without bad-mouthing you.

That's supposed
to make me want him back?

Yes, it is. 'Cause that's the real Harry. You
know he doesn't mean any of that stuff.

This happy Harry is putting on a show
and unfortunately it's a musical.

- So, you think he's really miserable, huh?
- Yeah, l do.

Well, maybe when my shift is over,
l'll go talk to him.

Well... why don't you go now?
l'll cover for you.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Thanks. l mean, there's nothing to it.

Just pick up the orders
and give them to the customers.

- OK.
- And make sure to smile.

People don't like a sourpuss.

You know, Tim, l never realized
you were such a sensitive guy.

Yeah, me neither.
l've had a very bad week.

(Tim sighs)

Hi.

- lt's : . You must be exhausted.
- Oh, boy! You bet l am.

l had no idea Delores's shift was hours.

- So, are she and Harry back together?
- Mm-hmm.

l explained to her how Harry was feeling,

she went down to the store to talk to him,
and they're gonna work things out.

Tim, l...

l can't tell you how impressed l am by the
emotional depth that l've seen in you lately.

You know, l've always had this sneaky,

yet slightly disturbing, suspicion that
there actually might be something to me.

l knew it all along.

l might be hiding my depth because
l'm afraid it might separate me

from the shallow people
l'm most comfortable with.

Who are you talking about?

You find this threatening, intimidating,
don't you? Well, just get used to it.

Because l'm finding the deeper l go,
the more riches l discover.

Tim...

You know, you can go too far with this.

l think you should keep your insights
to just one a month.

l don't think l can do that.

Oh, come on. Bring me back my old Tim.

Grunt for me.

OK. l'll give it a shot.

(weak grunt)

Ar.. ar... l don't think that's...

lt's not happening, honey.

(Tim) Mm.

Oh, yeah. (grunts)

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!

- He's back.
- (grunts)

Uh, excuse me. She forgot my doughnut.

Really?

No one finished that one.

OK...

You must be the pancakes,
and you're the fruit.

Hey! l don't go for that sort of thing!