01x18 - Farnsby & B

[bunniefuu]

It was spectacular.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Oh, Samantha just showed us
the musical Hamilton.

Oh, how was it?

- It was a triumph.
- An inspiration.

The pinnacle of human achievement.

It was fine.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hello.

Hello. Uh, do you have a moment?

Uh, sure. Come in.

- Oh.
- FLOWER: Oh, hey,

it's those neighbor people.

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- The Farnsbys.

We just wanted to come
by and drop off a tin

of Margaret's award-winning lemon bars.

MARGARET: And offer you our sincerest

congratulations on the imminent opening

of your bed and breakfast.

Oh, that's so nice of you.

Slightly out of character.

- So, you're really going through with it, then?
- Yep.

As I told you when you
came over for dinner

and tried to extort us...

(LAUGHING): So sorry about that.

... we're opening up the B and B,

and that's just all there is to it.

Well, then, you have left us no choice.

We are sorry, but we would
like to purchase your house.

- (GASPS)
- Wait, what?

We'll pay a fair price.

We just don't want to
deal with the headache

of living next door to a B and B.

I mean, the traffic, the noise.

The middle class trudging
past in their Volvos.

- They are hard to root for.
- JAY: I'm sorry, but no.

Our first guests are
arriving in a few days,

so you're just gonna
have to get used to it.

Well, then this isn't over.

You have incurred the
wrath of the Farnsbys.

Enjoy those lemon bars.

Sam!

â(Trademark)ª

Screw those rich people.

We're not selling. Who
do they think they are?

Yeah, with their fancy cars
and their pickleball courts.

(CHUCKLES) Babe, let-let's
not drag pickleball into this.

I mean, I've actually
gotten pretty into it lately.

- What? Since when?
- Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Oh, I played a couple games with Mark.

We're pickle bros.

Again, that term is
not catching on, Jay,

but, yeah, this guy's good.

What's not good is the termites

I just found in your basement.

Oh, hate the news, love the segue.

Yeah, that was some
pretty nice wordplay.

Come on, I'll show you guys.

Ugh, it's just one thing after another

with this house, right?

Seriously, it's like we're cursed.

- Oh, boy. This is not good.
- What's the big deal?

They'll just spray or tent.

I mean, it's not gonna
be a pleasant few days,

but we literally can't
die, so there's that.

No, Jay is right, they are cursed.

I know because

- I cursed them myself.
- What are you talking about?

THORFINN: When they first move in here,

we tried haunting them out,

and haunting fail, so to prevent

the B and B from opening,

I place Norse curse on them.

Sure, makes sense.

Then bad things start to happen.

Sam falls down the stairs,

and the curse makes me
light the gazebo on fire.

Now, the opening approaches,

the curse only grows stronger.

Come on. Curses aren't real, right?

We're stuck in an endless purgatory.

We saw a guy go down on
us a couple weeks ago.

And curses is where you draw the line?

- Okay.
- Those are some valid arguments.

Thor, you got to go tell Sam about this.

It's pointless.

Curse cannot be erased.

Plus, if we tell Sam,

she might take TV away.

You see that blistering in the wood?

Termites.

Unfortunately.

Yup. Termites love oak.

Actually, I think that's pine.

Pine? Are you some
kind of idiot, Stuart?

Look at the grain.

Is this something that needs

to be taken care of right away?

It's just, our first guests
arrive in a couple days.

You don't need to tent today,

but I wouldn't put this
off for too much longer.

Hey, how's my boy Pete doing, huh?

Hello.

Oh, okay, I get it.

You're too good to
talk to a cholera ghost.

Well, la dee dah.

So...

have there been any
updates on the Nigel front?

No, no.

No, sadly.

Ever since our awkward conversation

where he tried to take things in a more

romantic direction, and I...

Responded by running away
through a wall, mm-hmm.

Yes, ever since that,

we haven't spoken.

I think he's avoiding me.

I probably blew it.

Don't think like that, Isaac.

You're letting fear lead you.
You need to go for what you want.

You only have one afterlife.
Do not sacrifice your sh*t.

Please tell me you're not quoting
that musical Hamilton.

Incorrectly, I might add.

I am, and I am deeply sorry,

but it was just so inspirational.

(SIGHS) Oh, God. I wish
Sam never had shown us that.

But you're right.

I have. I have spent
the last two centuries

letting fear rule me.

It must come to a stop.

I'm gonna go tell Nigel how I feel.

(EXHALES)

This is a very important moment, Isaac.

I'm honored to be here
bearing witness to it.

In the room where things are happening.

- Oh, my God. Please.
- I'm sorry.

- No, just stop.
- I will. I'll try.

So catchy. (CHUCKLES)

JAY: You're not gonna believe this,

but Josh and Leeanne just canceled.

Our guests? Really?

Oh, it gets so much worse.

They say they found another
B and B that is nearby,

that is much nicer and cheaper

and has a pickleball court.

The Farnsbys.

That's right. We turned
down their buyout offer,

so they opened a rival B and
B to drive us out of business.

They're sociopaths.

They're calling it The Farnsby & B.

(LAUGHING) The Farnsby & B.

That's a clever name.

But also awful of them to do.

But, geez, pretty darn clever.

HENRY: Welcome to The Farnsby & B.

We are just returning your tin.

Thank you for the lemon bars.

Do you have time for a quick word?

We're a little busy.

We are hosting the most
lovely couple from Erie, P.A.

Josh and Leeanne.

I believe you may have heard of them.

Come on, man. What are
you doing? This is crazy.

If your point is, it's annoying
to have a bustling business

in your backyard,
then yes, we empathize.

Although, if you like,
my offer still stands.

- We are not selling you our place.
- Well, then, game on.

And this is a game you cannot win

because we don't need to make money.

We can b*at your prices
and bleed you dry.

Holy Toledo, you can see me?

HENRY: And without an income,

how long can you two really hold out?

Because we can do this a long time.

We are loving this Newhart life.

(MARGARET SIGHS)

Oh, hello. Henry, Josh
needs the Wi-Fi password.

Again? This is the fourth time.

I mean, no problem. I
live for helping my guests.

JOSH: Hey, I think the batteries
in the TV remote are dead.

Well, then go outside. It's lovely.

I mean, one minute, dear customer.

You two can see yourselves out.

Hey.

Did the actor from Bedtime for Bonzo

really become president in the ' s?

I'm sorry, we have to go.

Wait a minute, who are you talking to?

Do they have ghosts, too?

So creepy. What? I'm just
referring to the situation,

not you in particular,

whoever you are.

Uh, very sorry for
your loss of yourself.

Knock, knock. Anybody home?

Oh, Jenkins.

I'm sorry, I was looking for Nigel.

Oh, you haven't heard.

- Heard what?
- I'm...

sorry to have to tell
you this, as I know

the two of you have grown quite close,

but Nigel...

is no longer with us.

You mean...

He got sucked off.

Hey, ghosts, we're home.

Hey, team.

Oh, man.

I wish they'd stop walking over that.

Yeah, that pine's not looking good.

Oh, again with the pine?

Are you trying to piss me off, Stuart?

- Look, I'm not an expert...
- No!

The only thing you're an expert at

is giving people cholera!

Welp, just got an
email from the Millers.

They're canceling for next week.

THORFINN: Oh, boy.

You got to tell them about it, Thor.

Any guesses on where they're booked now?

I'm gonna go with Farnsby & B.

(LAUGHS) It's like the B
and B, but with their name.

I don't get it.

(GROANS) Sam.

I have something to tell you.

Long time ago, when you first move in,

uh, I may have put a
curse on you and Jay.

- Excuse me?
- Yeah.

It was to prevent you from ever
opening up a bed and breakfast.

(SCOFFS) Okay, small update.

Thor apparently placed
a Norse curse on us

to stop us from opening the B and B.

Are you serious?

Okay, I'm gonna jump on
the skeptic side here.

I don't think Thor's curses work.

Of course, anything's possible.

Okay, so assuming the
curse is even real...

Whoa, whoa, babe, a little
bit more definitive, please.

Hey, Norse gods, just to be clear,

we believe you have powers, so...

love and respect.

Yeah, you never want to poke
a curse... just makes it angry.

Fine. Thor?

(SIGHS) How do we even break the curse?

There is one way.

But it involves boiling
ingredients in cauldron.

And ingredients impossible to come by.

Requires sailing to
distant lands to procure.

Thor's saying we'd have to travel

to distant lands to get stuff.

So what would we need to get?

Hesitant to even say.

That is how futile
this knowledge will be.

One pound...

... sugar.

Oy gevalt.

Oh, oh, sugar? Like, regular sugar?

Entire pound... did you not hear?

And that's not all. Also need

rare spice from faraway land.

One pinch worth more than horses.

Goes by name of...

cinnamon.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, child.

Yeah, I think we'll be all right.

JAY: Okay, babe.

Pound of sugar and a cinnamon shaker.

Why even open bed and breakfast?

Sell cinnamon, and live like kings!

So what's the procedure, Thor?

You'll take sugar and
cinnamon, put in boiling water.

I'll say incantation, and then we wait.

How long do we wait?

years.

No, just a little curse-breaking humor.

Curse break immediately. It's good.

So? How did everything go?

Uh, it's fine. I don't really
want to talk about it right now.

All right, well, here we go.

Uh, hold up... is this
gonna reverse the bad things

that happened as a result of the curse?

Or is just gonna stop

more bad things from
happening in the future?

Interesting curse question.

Again, never had this much sugar,

so it's... hard to say.

Wait, why are you asking, Alberta?

Well... Thor said the curse
made Sam fall down the stairs.

Which is the thing that gave
her the ability to see us.

Y'all get where I'm going with this?

Oh, boy, you're not pouring the sugar.

Why are you not pouring the sugar?

The ghosts are saying this could result

in me not being able to see them.

- What? For real?
- They say there's a chance.

THORFINN: Very small chance, like...

size of Jay's forearm,
so should be fine.

Yeah, it actually doesn't
make any logical sense that

the effects would be reversed,
so I think you're good.

(GHOSTS CLAMORING IN AGREEMENT)

You'll be fine.

Okay, they-they think it's okay.

Mm. By "okay," you
mean you will continue

to see dead people wherever we go.

- Yes.
- Oh, thank God.

Okay, let's do this.

W-wait.

Um...

I-I recently learned

that you should say things to
people before it's too late.

So even if this isn't goodbye,

I think I speak for
us all when I say, Sam,

you have changed our
afterlives for the better.

And we are forever grateful.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Absolutely.

Thank you, guys.

And please finish my biography!

You have really dropped
the ball on that.

Okay. You may proceed.

Wait! Just in case, I, too,

just want to say, that it has
been a true honor knowing you.

You arrived here a
stranger with harlot hair,

but you have won my heart.

And become...

like a daughter... with harlot hair.

I'd also like to say something.

I did say I spoke for us
all, just a reminder. He did.

Sam...

you can be a part of my troop any day.

Also, please tell Jay

I love him and that Mark sucks

and he shouldn't be
friends with him anymore.

THORFINN: Thorfinn want to thank you

for giving me Viking funeral.

Sorry for putting curse on you.

You can't be mad 'cause I said sorry.

ALBERTA: Aah, Sam!

If this is goodbye...

Okay, so the floodgates are just open.

... I'm gonna miss you.

And I forgive you for not solving

my m*rder, although I
guess you could still

keep working on it. Oh, and
if you make any progress,

just stand in the middle of the room

and just tell me. I'll be here.

Thank you for everything, Sam.

For helping me tell my story.

Oh, and also for making
all those pepperoni pizzas.

Please keep doing that.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

TREVOR: Hey, Sam, thank
you for being a true friend.

I'll be here, watching your life.

And when you die, God
willing, you'll become a ghost.

And I don't even care
how old you get first.

I know you'll keep it tight.

- There it is.
- Mm.

Sam, you're the best thing that's
happened to me since shrooms.

Which did lead to my death.

But which then led to you.

Thanks, shrooms.

(QUIET LAUGH)

Thank you.

Thank all of you.

All done?

Great, can we break this thing?

I can't do this.

Yeah, I couldn't hear
anything they were saying,

but your face says it all.

If there is even a small
chance that this could make them

all go away, then I-I don't
want to take that chance.

So... we're gonna live with a curse?

The curse might not even
be real... we don't know!

I mean, Pete got sh*t with an arrow.

Is he cursed? The truth is

life is going to throw
obstacles in our way,

but you know what? We will
take them as they come.

I mean...

we can treat the termites.

- We can replace an old chandelier...
- Okay.

Yes, but what are we gonna
do about the Farnsby & B?

We can't compete with them, Sam.

Their place is way nicer, they
can charge next to nothing.

They're b*ating us at our own game.

Then maybe we need to b*at
them at their own game.

(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS)

Pickleball, I'm...

I'm talking about pickleball.

It was so unclear, babe.

JAY: Okay, here's the deal...
you're running the B and B

to put us out of business,
but we know you hate it.

What? We love it.

It's so much fun.

Oh, by the way, we need to pick up

some more hand soap
for Leeanne and Josh.

What are they doing, eating it?

Okay, fine, we don't love it.

And frankly it's even
ruining Newhart for me.

I feel like I'm at work
now when I watch it.

So why don't we settle this
B and B feud once and for all?

One game of pickleball
for all the marbles.

You win and we sell you
our place and leave town.

- ALL THREE: What?!
- Ah-ah-ah, don't worry, remember?

- Jay's a ringer.
- SAM: We win,

and you close down Farnsby & B for good.

(LAUGHS) You think you can b*at us?

At pickleball? The reigning B-League
mixed doubles seniors champions?

- Is that good?
- I can't tell.

Fine. You've got a deal.

Our court is closed until May.

So we'll play at the country club.

Wait, you belong to a
pickleball country club?

Is it just pickleball or is there golf?

I have a lot of follow-up questions.

The only question that matters
will be answered on the court,

this afternoon. Come along, Margaret.

Is there a dress code?

â(Trademark)ª

Here we go.

Looking forward to owning your
house at a fair-market price.

Looking forward to putting
you out of business.

PETE: They're back.

HETTY: Here they come.

Well, how did it go?

Well, it didn't start out great.

Zero, zero, two!

(GRUNTS)

Aha! (LAUGHS)

The rare pickle ace!

This is way harder in real life.

What?

"Real life"? What does that mean?

It turns out Jay hasn't
actually been playing pickleball.

He's been playing a
pickleball video game.

JAY: It's basically the same thing.

It's a simulator. It's the
same reason I can land a .

SAM: Jay, we bet the house!

Would you bet the
house on landing a ?

I mean, if it came to
that, there'd be a lot more

on the line than a house.

So what happened? Did y'all win?!

Well, it was neck and neck.

Back and forth.

- (EXHALES)
- And then...

, ten, two.

(GRUNTS) Ow! Ow!

- Henry!
- Margaret!

- My back, my back! Oh, get the IcyHot.
- Oh, no.

- Get the IcyHot!
- Oh!

So forfeit due to injury?

SAM: Yeah, baby!

- We won by default!
- (LAUGHS)

But a W is a W.

But they are shutting
down their B and B?

Yeah, Josh and Leeanne
are on their way over here

to check in right now.

â(Trademark)ª Because they have no other â(Trademark)ª

â(Trademark)ª Options. â(Trademark)ª

(CHEERING, CLAMORING)

Any chance we could call
this place Farnsby & B?

I hate to see that name go to waste.

Oh, like B and B!

That's so clever. (LAUGHS)

Ah, there you are!

Nigel!

But how are you here?

This doesn't make any sense.

You got sucked off.

You wish I got sucked off.

So you and your bearded floozy

could continue galivanting
without my knowledge!

What are you talking about?

Not sure what's happening,
but I am here for the drama.

- Oh, I'm right there with you, Sass.
- Mm.

I'm talking about you and your lover.

The Viking?

I mean, I think you're
a great guy, Isaac...

What?

You think I'm with that brute?

- Hurtful.
- But Jenkins said...

Jenkins told me that you got sucked off!

- What do you think, tacos for dinner?
- (SHUSHING)

Oh, dear, I think I know what this is.

Well, tell me, Nigel, because I am

thoroughly confused... what is going on?

years ago,

Jenkins and I had a brief tryst.

And apparently he's
never gotten over it.

So he was lying to both
of us, to keep us apart.

Oh... why would he care about
keeping two buddies apart?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh.

Um...

sure, Isaac.

Well, I guess I'll just go,

since that's cleared up.

Nigel, wait.

I like you.

You...

- like me?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, please don't make me say it again.

Well...

I like you too, Isaac.

(GHOSTS GIGGLING SOFTLY)

This is so sweet.

I knew.

I already knew. It has been very hard

keeping this secret,
but he already told me.

And I'm sure you all are as shocked

as I was when I first heard.

(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS)

Color me flabbergasted.

What's going on?!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

JAY: Oh, my God.

That must be them.
It's our first guests!

Babe, we made it!

Yes, suck on that, curse!

Whoa! Hey, are you nuts?

Hey, Norse gods, that was just a joke.

You know Sam... she's,
like, the Loki of the house.

Again, it's probably not even real.

And even if it is, it's okay.

The curse was to prevent
us from opening the B and B.

Now we're open. We won.

JAY: (CHUCKLES WEAKLY) I guess, yeah.

You ready?

Let's do this.

BOTH: Welcome to Woodstone B and B.

(FLOOR CREAKING, CRACKING)

Babe... ?

(ALL SHOUTING, CLAMORING)

ALBERTA: Oh! Oh, my God!

SAM: It's all good...
it's just an old house!

It's not a curse. (CHUCKLES)

Enjoy your stay!

Oh, hey, Pete.

Oh. Hey, Nancy.

Stop flirting, it's not happening, geez.