06x24 - School Daze

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Sanford and Son". Aired: January 14, 1972 – March 25, 1977.
In a groundbreaking sitcom junk dealer Fred Sanford runs roughshod over his son and partner, Lamont.
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06x24 - School Daze

Post by bunniefuu »



Aunt Esther, Donna, I'm
glad you could make it.

Come and sit down,
please. Hi, honey.

You know, I didn't
want to bother you,

but I'm really
worried about Pop.

Isn't he all right?

Well, physically, he's fine.

I mean, he's
never looked better.

It's just that, well, lately,

he's been acting
really strange...

I'll say.

Fred hasn't called me in
weeks, and that's not like him.

It's been going on
for about a month now.

He's been going out every night,

all he does is stay
home in the daytime,

up in his room with
the door locked.

And the television
hasn't been on for weeks.

Have you asked him
to explain himself?

At least a dozen times, Donna.

And? He changes the subject.


Excuse me a minute. I'll get it.

Hi, Lamont.


Hello. Hi, Bubba.

What's up, Bubba? I just
came by to pick up Fred.

Is he ready?

Yeah, he'll be down in a minute.

Say, tell me something, Bubba.

Where are you guys headed?

Oh, nowhere special.

Come on, Bubba,
that's 15 nights in a row

that you and Pop have
gone no place special.

FRED: That you
down there, Bubba?!

Yeah, it's me, Fred, Bubba!

Better known as the "best man"!


Best man?

Uh... uh... yeah.

Uh... Uh, yeah, I'm the best

when it comes to being on time.

See, I'm always ready
before Freddy! Heh, heh, heh.

All right, big mouth, let's go.

We'll be late for the movie.

Fred Sanford! You
are something else.

And so are you, Esther.

I just can't figure out what.

Hello, Fred.

Oh, hey, Donna. How you been?

Just fine, Fred. How about you?

Who? Me?

Uh, I'm fine. Fine and dandy.

That's enough
of that small talk.

Then shut your big mouth!

Listen, honey,

I'd like to hang
around here with you,

but we got to rush downtown

to look at Bubba's sick aunt.

I thought you were
going to the movies.

Yeah, we are.

See, she had an appendix
att*ck watching King Kong,

and the doctor said
not to move her.

Oh, that's a good one.

Yeah, let's go, Bubba. Yeah.


I'm sure sorry, Bubba,
that your aunt's sick.

You know what I mean?

Ha! Sick aunt, my foot!

You see how crazy he's acting?

That's not like Fred.

I'm not the jealous type,

but I-I think Fred's got
himself another woman.

Another woman?

Mm-hm. Look at the evidence.

Getting all dressed up
and sneaking off every night,

smelling like a perfume factory

avoiding me like the plague.

And now Bubba and this
remark about being "best man."

What else can it be?

I don't believe it.

Well, Donna, I think Pop
would be man enough

to come right out and tell you.

That heathen don't know
nothing about the truth.

Hey, wait a minute.

Look at this.

It's a note. It looks like Po...

It's Pop's handwriting.

"Teach me, only
teach love, as I ought.

"I will speak thy speech, love,

"Think thy thought."

That don't mean nothing.

It sure doesn't sound like

a note to the milkman.

No, but how do you know
he wasn't thinking of you?

Yeah, I'm with you, Aunt Esther.

But who's with Fred?

Bring down the
four... Where is he?

He's upstairs, locked
in his room as usual.

Okay, come on.

Come on, Donna.

Believe me, Lamont,
this is not my idea.

Hey, Rollo, what are
you doing here, brother?

Hey, man, I don't like it
any more than you do,

but that pocketbook hurts, man.


Come on, let's
go in the kitchen,

so Fred can't hear us.

Come on. All right.

Come on in the kitchen.


I know! He's a heathen!

Man, he was
sneaking or something.

Doesn't mean anything, does it?

Yes, now, Rollo, go on and
tell Lamont what you saw today.

Tell him. Go.

Where do you want
me to start? Oh, yeah.

Where Pop buys the
king-size jar of vitamin E?

Or where he makes
a beeline to City Hall?

City Hall?

Well, Fred could've been
there for lots of reasons,

not just to take out
a marriage license.

Marriage license?

Wait a minute, Rollo,

I think you better start
from the beginning.

I was standing on the
corner of Twelfth and Olive,

and who did I see coming out of

one of them fancy
men's boutiques

but your old man.

Shhh! I think I hear Fred now.


Hi. It's Fred.

Listen, I can't go on like this.

FRED: I need you right away.

I know it's just...

Just for a few weeks more,

but I can't make
it without you...

All right, I'll try.

But just hearing your voice
makes me feel a lot better.

Right, au revoir.

Until tonight.


Where'd you come from?

Where you think I come from?

Under a rock.

You can't talk
yourself out of this one,

you two-timing beady
head, weasel-eyed fool.

We caught you red-handed.

Hey, Lamont, what's
she screaming about?

Well, Pop, we couldn't help

overhearing your
telephone conversation.

Just now? Mm-hm.

All right, Fred. Out with it.

Who is she? Gesundheit.

Please, Esther, let's give
Fred a chance to explain.

Right on. This could
make my whole day.

Rollo, why don't
you go catch a bus...

in your teeth.

Well, Fred?

Who were you talking
with on the phone?

I can't remember.

Then I guess I have
to refresh your memory.

You were telling somebody,

"I can't do without
you, I need you."


Now I remember.
It was the auto club.

See, I was telling them
that I couldn't start the truck.

No, you got to do
better than that, Pop.

I drove the truck a
half hour ago. It's fine.

Now. But what happens when
it conks out on the freeway?

And this way we'll be
first in line for a tow truck.

Lord have mercy.

Is there no hope at all?

Not for your face!

Fred... Fred, I really
am trying to understand.

Donna, I'm telling you,

it's not what you think it is.

Oh, no?

Then explain this love poem

in your handwriting.

Oh, that's easy to explain.

See, I was just, uh...
testing out a new pen.


That's how you test a new pen?

By writing gushy poetry?

It was a fountain pen.

Say, Pop, what about
them jazzy threads you got?

And all this talk

about Bubba being the best man?

I'll explain that.


How about tomorrow?

Fred, well, if there's
another woman, just tell me.

I understand.

You know I'd never
do anything to hurt you.

That's hard for me to believe.

Me too.

Well, if you don't believe me,

that's too bad.

Wait a second. Wait a minute.

Where are you going now?

Well, looking at Esther's
face reminds me...

I've got to go
empty the garbage.

Maybe... Maybe
he is telling the truth.


Oh, wow, I hope that's not Jake

with that load of scrap
metal on the truck.

Pardon me. Is this the
Fred Sanford residence?

Uh, y... Yes, it is.

Oh, thank goodness.

I rushed when I got his call.

That poor dear sounded so upset.

I just couldn't
wait until tonight.


Listen, if anybody wants me...

Doris! Hello, Fred.

Goodbye, Fred!

FRED: Donna! Wait
a minute, Donna!

Did I say something wrong?

No. Well... Well,
since you're here,

we may as well go on up here.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Where are you going?

Where do you think
I'm going, dummy?

Upstairs, where I can
have some privacy!

Come on.

Why would Fred do this to Donna?

I don't know, Aunt Esther.

I'm telling you the
man is obviously senile,

up there with that
woman, messing around!

sh**t, I don't know,
Esther, if you gotta go senile,

that's the way to go.

Well, how long have they
been upstairs, anyway?

About 3 hours, 45
minutes and 2 seconds.

Shhh! Hey, here they come!


Doris, you sure know how
to make a man feel good.

Well, Fred, aren't you
going to introduce us?

Uh-huh, oh, yeah, sure.

Doris, this is my son, Lamont.

Hello. And his friend, Rollo.

Rollo. And this
is Lamont's aunt.

Esther Kong!

That's King's first wife.

Watch it, sucker!

Esther Anderson.

How do you... do?

And last, but not
least, this is the door.

Come on.

Hold it, Fred!

I think you owe
us an explanation.

I agree with Esther. Oh, no!

We promised that we'd wait

until it was the right time.

But I seem to have caught

everybody by surprise.

All except Esther.

To catch her by
surprise, you need a net.

FRED: Come on.

Well, it was very nice
meeting all of you.

Yeah, I tell you, I
need to find me a net...

This time Pop has gone too far.

Say, what you
going to do? Follow?

That all depends, Rollo.

On what?

Whether or not I can catch them.

Fred Sanford, if you
don't behave yourself...

Well, tell Bubba to stop
copying off my paper.

What do you mean?
You copying off mine.

Am not. Are too!

Am not.

Now, gentlemen, please.

You've got a final
exam next week.

I'd hate to see
anyone not graduate.

I don't know about
Fred, Miss Chandler,

but I'm ready.

You better be ready.

Oh, now settle down.

Remember, you're supposed
to be writing an essay

on America's system
of checks and balances.

Checks and balances?

You talking about the
United States of America

or the Bank of America?

Do the best you can.

What kind of question is that?

How am I supposed to know
what goes on in Washington?

I'm just an ordinary citizen.


Hey, man, I'm trying
to better myself.

Why don't you shut your face.

Uh-uh, gladly.

Uh, you feel better now?

Fred Sanford. Ah!

What are you doing?

Uh, uh, the bunny hop?

Were you cheating?

No, see, my leg went to sleep.

Then why are you
kneeling on the desk?

That's not all
that went to sleep.

Hey, Pop?

Hey, Lamont! What
are you doing here?

I'm sorry. When I followed
you, I had no idea...

Shh! Not here, not here, dummy.

Excuse me, Miss Chandler,

but I have to leave now.

There's about to be
a tragedy in my family.

Hi, Bubba.

Well, now you know.

Pop, you mean all this time

you've been going to
night school with Bubba?

That's right, son.

I've been taking one of
those eight-week courses.

Then you and Doris never did...?

Just teacher and student.

And those trips to the
museum and City Hall?

That was just class
assignments, right?

For a dummy, you catch on fast.

But I don't understand
something, Pop.

How come you kept this a secret

from all the people
that love you?

Because I've been
lying to all of you.

About what?

About having my
high school diploma.

See, I had to quit
school in my senior year

to support my mother
and father's habit.

What habit?


So, in other words, this was
all a matter of pride with you.

Face it, son.

At my age,
that's all I got left.

I mean, not counting
my good looks.

You know, you're
some piece of work, Pop,

you know that?

Take it easy.

You're bending my eraser!

I'm really thrilled for
you, Pop. I really am.


Counting you, that
makes one of us.

Come on, now, don't tell me

you're worried about
passing the final exam.

Okay, I won't.

That way I can just bottle it up

and get an ulcer so I don't
have to take the exam at all.

Hey, come on,
Pop. Don't give up.

I'll help you study. How's that?

You will? Of course I will.

In that case, I'll
let you off the hook.

For what?

For the new convertible that
I wanted for my graduation.

Would you get back
in the classroom?

Go ahead. Ask me anything.

Okay, I tell you what.

Let's start with
your favorite subject.

All right. My text book
is in the living room.

I'll get it. Which one is it?

The one in the
plain brown wrapper.

Come on, Pop, would
you try to be serious?

Now, how much do you remember

from your high school math?

Just one thing.

Thirty-six plus
twenty-four plus thirty-six

equals the sum of
the cheerleader's parts.

Okay, suppose we start
with American history.

Good idea.

I know that stuff

like I know the palm of my hand.

All right.

Who is considered
the chief architect

of the American Constitution?

Just a minute.

Thomas Jefferson.

Pop, that's cheating!

Well, how else do you expect me

to remember this stuff?

By association. Okay?

That sounds great.
How much are the dues?

No, no, no, no, no.
You don't understand.

See, Pop, association
means remembering one fact

by associating
with something else

that suggests the same thing.

Now, do you follow that so far?

Okay. Try me. All right.

Among Ben Franklin's many
inventions and discoveries

is one of the world's
greatest sources of power.

What is it?


No, Pop, it's a
little more jolting.

Prune juice.

No, Pop. Come
on, man, associate!

You're not associating.

Let's see.

Benjamin Franklin. Electricity.

That's right. How'd you get it?

Well, that's easy.

See, Ben Franklin's picture

is on the hundred dollar bill.

And every time somebody
asked me to loan them a hundred,

I say, "Go fly a kite!"

Fly a kite, Ben
Franklin, electricity.

Okay. Philadelphia.

I know. And bell.

Would you stop it?

Did you know he also
invented the lightning rod?

The lightning rod? Mm-hm.

Well, he also, at the same time,

he invented the
stove and bifocals,

and published Little
Richard's Almanac.

That's Poor Richard's Almanack!

Yeah, him too.

You know, Pop, I'm
really impressed, man.

You shouldn't have
any trouble at all

just breezing through this exam.

I don't know, son.
You know, it's funny.

When I get in that classroom,
everything goes blank.

Yeah, that's because
you were uptight

because you were trying to
keep everything a secret, Pop.

Now it's out in the open,
you'll feel better, man,

You're going to go
right through this thing.

There he is. The
resident genius himself.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hi, Bubba. Hi.

Hey, you know, there's something
I don't understand, Bubba.

What's that?

Something you
said the other night

about being Pop's best man.

Well, you see, when
Bubba and I decided

to get our high school diploma,

I unfortunately
came up with the idea

of making it as
interesting as possible.

Yeah, he bet me 50 bucks
he'd get a better grade than me.

Do you think you're
going to win, Bubba?

That's right.

In fact, you might
say he's a little behind.

Yeah, especially when
it's compared with yours.

Well, I just come
by to wish you luck.

Well, forget it, Bubba.

Because in 10 seconds,

I'm going to have
all the luck I need.

What's going to
happen in 10 seconds?

You gonna leave.

Oh, yeah?

Well, that's okay, Fred.

I'd feel the same way

if I was going to
be out 50 bucks.

If there's anything I
hate, it's a sore winner.

Well, Pop, it looks like

we've got a lot of
hard work ahead of us.

It's no use, son. Bubba's right.

I'm so far behind

I'm lucky if I pass recess.

Hey, come on, Pop.

Come on, Pop, you got to study.

And remember the old saying.

"When the going gets
tough, the tough get going."

I'm tough. Right, son?

You better believe it.

Then I might as well get going.

Would you sit down?

The first president...


Hey, how you doing?

It's good to see you.


Well, Pop, this is
it, graduation night.

Yeah. I sure hope I'm
one of the graduates.

Oh, well, of course you are.

Yeah, this is it, Fred.

You might as well give
me the 50 bucks now.

Just wait a minute, Bubba.

Now, Miss Chandler hasn't
posted the final exams yet.

Well, I guess she didn't
want to embarrass you.

Can we all take your seats
now? I think we're ready.


I'm Doris Chandler,

and I'm just delighted
to welcome all of you

to our final class,

which, for most of the students,

is also graduation night.

The first order of business

is the presentation of the
award for most studious.

Hey, you want a little
action on the side?

What side you want it
on, the left or the right?

DORIS: And the
most studious member

of our class is
Mr. Bubba Bexley.



It gives me...

Gives me great pleasure
to present your award

and your high school diploma.

Thank you.

And might I say
that the experience

has been very enriching.

Yeah, by 50 bucks.

Okay, pay up.

DORIS: And now
I'd like to call forward,

in alphabetical order,

those students who have
earned their high school diplomas.

Herman Barry.
FRED: Herman Barry?

Hey, Barry. Yeah.

DORIS: Miguel Borrego.

How'd that fool get his diploma?

DORIS: Paul Jones.
He don't know nothing.

Paul Jones? BUBBA: Hey, Paul!

Get ready, Pop. Get ready.

Get ready for what?

The Dunce Award?

Bessie Roberts.
FRED: She got one too?

John Pilchek.

BUBBA: Hey, hey, he got one.

And Sam Whipple.


BUBBA: All right.

See, I told you, didn't I?

Let's get on out of here. Fred!

Where are you going?

I just remembered I have
a doctor's appointment.

What for?

To have my head examined

for even signing
up for this class!

Please, could I just
have your attention

for a little while longer?

Hey, Pop, come
on, man, sit down!

You're making a
spectacle out of yourself.

And now last, but
certainly not least,

it seems only appropriate
that I call forward

the number one student
and class valedictorian.

Fred Sanford!


That's Fred G. Sanford,

and the "G" stands
for "Valedictorian."

What?! Shut your mouth, Bubba.

You're k*lling all the flies.

DONNA: Congratulations, Fred.

LAMONT: Hey, way to go, Pop!

Well, you know, it
was to be expected.

I suppose you'd like
to say a few words.

Yes, I certainly would
like to say a few words.

Besides thanking you for your
encouragement and support,

I'd like to thank some other

very important
people in my life,

like my son, Lamont,

who stood by me
through thick and thin.

And... And, uh,
my sister-in-law,

who couldn't be here tonight.

I'd like to thank her for that.

And then there's Donna,

who's the apple of my
eye and eternal inspiration.

And most of all, I want
to thank the one person

without whom this day
could not have been possible.


Because I never
worked so hard in my life.

Thank you, Fred. That
was very nicely said.

Hold it.

I still have one
more person to thank.

Who's that?

My best friend, Bubba,

without whom I couldn't
finance my graduation party!



Here you go, Pop.

Hey, thanks, son.

Hey, can you put an ice
cube in this, cool it for me?

Pop, you don't cool menudo.

Everybody knows that.

You're right.

It's pretty, isn't
it? Yeah, it is.

I'm really proud of you, Pop.

Mmm? Oh, please,
son, that's all right.

No, I mean it. I'm
really proud of you.

I know. Please, I mean,
just... tell me more.

The fact is that there aren't
too many 68-year-old men

who would go back to school
to get their high school diploma.

Well, it never bothered
me until you were born, son.

Then, right then and
there in the maternity ward,

I decided to get it.

And so, lickety-split,
37 years later, you did it.

Well, better late than never.

Pop, how would you feel

about a man my age saying
"I love you" to his father?

Oh, well, I never
liked that sort of thing.

See, I believe that feelings
between older people

should be kept inside and not
spurted out like mush or sugar.

Or... I love you, Pop.

I love you, son.

Or syrup. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I'll never
say it. Me neither.

Hey, but look at that.
Yeah, I'm proud of that.
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