06x10 - The Wood, the Bad and the Hungry

[bunniefuu]

[squeaking]

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- [all] Tool Time!

That's right. Binford Tools is proud
to present Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor!

[crowd] Whoo!

OK then. Wow!

[Al] Good crowd.

A happy Thanksgiving to all of you.
l am Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.

You all know my assistant, Al Borland.

[cheering]

Thank you.

Well, Thursday is Thanksgiving.

A day when a man can enjoy the
companionship of friends and family.

Yeah, yeah.
Yadda-yadda-yadda-yadda.

To a man,
Thanksgiving means two things:

Really sharp knives
and carving up that bird. Am l right?

That's right. And today,
Tim and l will introduce

our first annual Tool Time
turkey-carving race.

That's right. lt's the Butterball...

[gobbling]

...Five Hundred.

And in the starting grid with us today,
we have two of the fastest men.

Give a warm Tool Time
welcome to our special guests,

- Michael and Mario Andretti!
- [car revving]

[cheering]

- l had the line, Michael.
- You squeezed me, Dad.

Michael and Mario are in town
for a tribute to the late Jim Chapman,

a great racing icon.
OK, guys, you all set?

- All set.
- Well, you guys may know lndy cars,

but nobody can beat my bird.

[blows raspberry, laughs] Right, Al!

Look at this baby. A -pound tom
turkey, free-range, butter-injected.

[grunts]

We'll see about that.

Calling today's turkey race
is lndy car announcer, Jack Arute.

- All right!
- [cheering]

[Tim] Welcome to Tool Time.

OK, gentlemen!

[rock plays]

[Arute] Ready?

Start your turkeys!

Michael Andretti
is in the poultry position. But look!

Mario's already got a wing off. Al's
not doing bad with his bird. And Tim...

...is the slowest
turkey-carver l've ever seen.

Look at the way Michael Andretti
att*cks that thigh.

Mario's no slouch with a drumstick.
And look!

Al's already down to the white meat.

Folks, Tim is
already out of contention...

[Tim grunts]

[Tim grunts]

Ooh, what's that?

Wilson gave that to us for Thanksgiving.
lt's a homemade eel pie.

- Eel pie?
- Yeah. A traditional Pilgrim thing.

Which explains why
there are no more Pilgrims.

Wilson's not coming this year.
Why don't we throw it out?

l can't do that. Wilson put his heart
and soul and half his aquarium in it.

Hey, Mom? Remember l'm working down
at the soup kitchen on Wednesday.

They want me to work Thanksgiving. OK?

Sure. lt's great
that you're giving your time.

lt means that our family values
have rubbed off on you.

- What do you mean?
- Well, your father and l

have taught you that holidays are about
sharing and putting other people first.

Honey, look what we got!
The last turkey they had.

The biggest one,
and it's all mine, mine, mine!

l tell you, the holidays
come quicker every year.

[laughs] l know. l just got over
July th and it's Thanksgiving.

Oh!

That was fast. Now it's Christmas.

- Sorry, Al.
- Tim.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey. How you doing?

Little brother.
Sorry about not coming for dinner.

Yeah, yeah. What are you gonna do?

You, uh... you starting the
lighting contest a little early?

Well, my strategy this year
is to intimidate Doc Johnson, OK?

What are you gonna do?
Stick a reindeer head in his bed?

- Oh...
- That's not a bad idea.

Harry, what kind of transformer will
get this to light up, like, real bright?

Well, you only need a -volt.
But knowing you...

Yeah?

[straining] ...you'll want
the thousand-volt.

So, what time do you want me and llene
to come over for Thanksgiving dinner?

Well, dinner's at three.
Why don't you guys show up at , : ?

[laughs] Oh, yeah.
You know what? That reminds me.

Benny's looking for you. He's waiting
for his Thanksgiving invite.

l don't know how to tell him,
but he's not getting invited.

You're not inviting Benny?

Well, why is it my turn every year?
Last year he ate pounds of turkey,

he drank out of the gravy boat then bobs
for marshmallows in the sweet potatoes.

- You did the same thing.
- My house.

- Hey, hey, hey! Here comes Benny.
- What am l gonna say? What am l...?

- Hey, Benny! How are you doing?
- All right.

What do you got there?

Well, l was a little hungry and it
was sample day at the supermarket.

Care for an imitation crab puff?

[laughs] No. l'm allergic.
l get imitation hives.

Hey, Tim! Tim!

Hey, Benny. l didn't see you.

lt just occurred to me.
Uh, Thursday's Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving's falling
on a Thursday this year?

Yes. And according to my
social calendar, l have an opening.

Would you like me to grace
your abode with my presence?

Well, l would love you
to grace my abode with your presence.

But, um,
this year we've decided... to...

...go with family.

l understand.
What's everybody else doing?

[stammering] l'm going to the in-laws.

Dining with my wife's evil twin.

What about you, Al? Where are you going?

- Well, l, uh...
- [Tim coughing]

- Actually, l'm...
- [Tim] Oh-ho!

l'm not eating.

You were invited to Tim's, weren't you?

Tim's? No! l was... not.

Oh. So, all of a sudden, Al's family?

- l get the picture. l'm not in it.
- Benny, listen to me...

Don't want my company, your loss.
l'm not gonna beg.

l don't need anything from anybody.

l thought you were my friend.

What should we do with these?

Put them in the box. Your dad's
gonna take that when he picks up Randy.

- All right.
- Hey, this is Dad's favorite sweater.

Why are you giving it away?

That's why l'm giving it away.

Well, haven't the needy suffered enough?

Just put it in the bottom of the box.
He'll never miss it.

Here he comes.

Mm-hm. l got Rudolph up on the roof.

Soon as l light up that schnoz, you'll
be able to see it all the way to Akron.

- [Jill] Tim.
- Yeah?

Time to pick up Randy
at the soup kitchen.

Ooh. On my way.

Oh. And take Wilson's eel pie.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- And don't forget the box of clothes.
- [sighs]

Clothes?

lt didn't work last year.
lt's not gonna work this year.

- How are you this fine evening, sir?
- Just serve it up, soup boy.

All right. My pleasure.

And if you want anything with that,
see cr*cker boy.

- Hey, Randy.
- Hey.

- You ready to go?
- Yeah.

Hey, Joe. My ride's here.

Well, thanks a lot
for all your help today.

Joe? Brought a little donation
of my own. Some clothes from home.

And a fresh Pilgrim specialty: eel pie.

- [gags]
- Right from the aquarium.

- Nobody's gonna eat that.
- Come on! ''You serve it, they'll come.''

lf l serve it, they will barf.

Come on, Randy.
l'm parked out back.

Hiya, Benny.

- Dad, it's Benny!
- Who?

- [man] How're you doing today?
- Not so good, Nick.

Looks like l'm gonna
be here on Thanksgiving.

- [Nick] Oh.
- Get down. Get down. Get down.

You know him?

Yeah. What's he doing in a soup kitchen?

l don't know. But he must
really be down on his luck.

He's been coming
in here quite a bit recently.

l don't want him to see us. He'll feel
terrible, OK? Let's get out of here.

- Dad, he's eating the eel pie.
- Now he's really gonna feel terrible.

[Christmas music plays on TV]

[dialing]

Hi, Benny. lt's Tim. l'm not sure
that you're still living at this house.

lf you get this message,
call me back.

And you can call back
whatever time you want. Thanks. Bye.

[cheering]

Sure. lt's easy to be happy
when you're made out of wood.

[yawns]

[creaking]

Oh boy! Oh!

l feel a little stiff.

Hey, Dad. What gives? We woke up this
morning and we're all made of wood.

Randy, let's not get
hung up on how we look.

There are more important things
to think about.

- Like your lighting contest?
- Nope, nope, nope.

l'm through putting Christmas lights
on this house.

l'm giving all the holiday lights
to the homeless.

And where exactly
are the homeless going to hang them?

Good point.
We'll give them the house too!

Let's start with the kitchen! Come on!

[straining]
Looks a lot lighter than this.

Ah! Oh, there you go.

Ha-ha! Whoo!

Boys, go get your rooms
and put them in the box.

- But where are we gonna live?
- You! You! You!

You people have got
to stop thinking about yourselves.

- Tim, you've changed.
- [Tim] Mm-hm.

You're caring, giving, you're loving.

[creaks]

And you've got a termite
coming out of your ear.

Have a little compassion. Even
the lowliest creature needs a friend.

[termite] Thank you.

[crashing]

Hidy-ho, wood neighbor.

What are you doing?

Well, l'm donating my half
of the fence to the fence-less.

Why, Tim, l never realized
you had such a heart of gold.

Well, l... That reminds me.

This could help fill
the dental needs of the toothless.

That is very admirable.
l'd love to lend a hand.

Great!

Welcome to Tool Time.

We've got something very special
to show you today.

Say hello to the new
Binford Toolapalooza.

[whirring]

lt saws, it sands, it welds, it grinds.
lt does absolutely everything.

- Not everything, Al.
- Huh?

Does it feed the hungry?

Does it clothe the naked?

Does it heal the sick?

Well, l don't know.
l haven't tried all the attachments.

Well, let's see for ourselves.

Uh, Tim, this is a very powerful tool.
You might want to be careful.

Al, l'm wood.
What have l got to lose?

[whirring]

Oh!

[Tim] Oh, no!

lt's not like you ever used it.

Well, who needs a head anyway? Real
charity is about giving of yourself.

[clattering]

[drum roll]

[Wilson] ln here, Tim.

Thanks, Wilson.

Al, go for the three-pointer!

l'm open!

[Tim muttering] Oops!

- [clattering]
- Yes!

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hi, Benny. Yeah.

Listen to me. Um, if you're not
doing anything on Thanksgiving,

would you come over here for dinner?
l mean it.

Yeah. lt was... it was my fault.
l wasn't even thinking about it.

Please? l mean it.

Great. Great.

Come on over about : . We got extra
marshmallows in the sweet potatoes

in case you got a hankering
for a little bobbing.

OK, thanks. Bye.

Ooh, the table looks wonderful!

Well, thanks to the beautiful
horn of plenty you brought.

llene and l made that in our adult ed
class: Cornucopia for Couples.

- [doorbell rings]
- Oh! Oh!

That's Benny. Now, um, just be really
nice to him. But don't overdo it.

You know, because we don't want him
to think that we feel sorry for him.

Benny!

Come in. Boys! Boys! Come downstairs.
Our guest of honor has arrived.

Hey, Benny!
[laughs] lt's good to see you!

Happy Thanksgiving!

l guess my sponge bath
really paid off.

Benny, you can let go now.

Honey, the holidays are about giving.

OK, that's enough.

Hey, Benny.

Happy Thanksgiving. Our extended
family's all here. Good to see you.

- Ah, thanks.
- Tim.

- Yeah.
- The sweater.

Either take it off or shave it.

- Hi, Uncle Benny!
- Hey!

Hey! Happy Thanksgiving, guys!

- Well, it is now that you're here.
- [both laugh]

- OK! Uh, is everybody ready to eat?
- Yeah. This is great!

- Um, boys, you're over there.
- Come on, Benny.

l'm starvin'.

l'm sorry. Did l make a faux pas?

[all] Oh, no!

- Everybody, sit down.
- [Al] l'm a little hungry myself.

OK. Before we begin, l think that we
should hold hands and give thanks.

- Tim?
- OK.

Well, we got lots to be thankful
for this year. Food on the table.

A splendid array of gourds.

And, most of all, we share
this feast with our good friend...

[phone rings]

Excuse me.

Hello. Yeah, Skipper.

Keep praying.

Yeah, what's the spread
on the Lions game? All right.

Put me down for bucks
on Kansas City.

Happy Thanksgiving to you too.
[chuckles]

OK, let's chow down.

Benny, a person who is destitute
shouldn't be gambling.

l agree.
What does that have to do with me?

Well...

The truth is, Randy and l saw you
last night at the soup kitchen.

- What were you doing there?
- Well, Randy's helping out.

- What were you doing there?
- l like the soup.

You like the soup.

That's despicable.
You're stealing food from the needy.

l don't steal it.
l pay for it with my tax dollars.

What tax dollars?
You haven't had a job in years.

- Yeah, you're just a big mooch.
- l let him hug me.

Hey, l don't need this! l give up my
holiday to share it with you people,

- and this is the thanks l get?
- You're blaming us for this?

- lf the shoe fits...
- You'd probably walk out with it!

- l can't believe we felt sorry for him.
- Me neither. He's just a freeloading...

...scalawag!

Scalawag?

Watch your language.
There's children here.

Does this mean we don't have
to call him Uncle Benny anymore?

Doesn't matter.
He's not gonna be around.

Try to forget about this.
Enjoy the meal.

- Carrots, please?
- [Brad sighs]

- Stuffing.
- Here.

Have a little compassion.

Even the lowliest creature
needs a friend.

The turkey looks good.

Real charity
is about giving of yourself.

l know! l know! l know!

l know it tastes good. [chuckles]

Your mom cooked it.

Tell you what. You guys sit still.

Excuse me for a minute.
l'll be right back.

[Tim shudders]
l'm glad you're still here, Benny.

Where else would l go?
Who would want Benny Baroni?

Why would anybody want you, Benny?

You do such sleazy things sometimes.

l don't mean any harm by it.
lt's just my nature.

Yeah. What do you do at Christmas time,
steal something from the Salvation Army?

What would l want with a little bell?

Benny, have you ever heard the phrase
''giving something back?''

- l've heard of it.
- Yeah.

l don't know what it means.

Well, it means taking the time
to think about other people.

People that are really
less fortunate than you are.

l guess l shouldn't have taken soup
from people who really need it.

That's right.

l shouldn't mooch off
of Harry and you...

...every supermarket chain
in the greater Detroit area.

And parts of Toledo.

l know where
l'm spending my Thanksgiving.

At the soup kitchen helping out.

Tell everybody in there
l'm sorry for how l acted.

Hold on a minute, Benny. Before you go,
why don't ya have dinner with us?

We'll all go there after dinner.

- You sure?
- Yeah, l'm sure.

Thanks, Tim. You got a heart of gold.

- Yeah. Knock on wood.
- [knocking]

Hey, l have a sweater just like that.

Not anymore.

Hey, uh, Dad.
We need some more turkey carved.

You came to the right guy.
l'm the world-champion turkey carver!

Not anymore.

[engine revving]

Oh, yeah?

[beeps]

Whoa!

[crashing]