06x13 - The Flirting Game

[bunniefuu]

Hi again,
and welcome back to Tool Time.

Where we continue our look
at antique tools.

These beautiful,
handcrafted, antique tools.

Came from a time when more power
meant manpower. [grunts]

Now, over here,
we have two pedal-powered machines.

This happens to be
a pedal-powered scroll saw.

Over here is a lathe.
Let me show you how this works.

Take a seat here.
Now, say you're making a table leg.

You're making a table leg.

lt's like an exercise bike.

While you're shaping your leg,
your leg's getting shaped.

[imitates Pee-wee Herman laugh]

Now, over here we have
an old rope-making machine.

You simply turn the crank

and three pieces of twine
become one piece of rope.

ln the time before television, families
would sit around the rope machine

and watch knots landing.

- Tell us about this, Al.
- Well, this is an old hog oiler.

Now, how does this compare
with the one in your mom's house?

You see, the way these work
is the hog comes up

and it rubs against the rollers like so.

And the skin becomes moist.

Oh. So, the hog actually looks
at this as kind of an ''oinkment.''

Well, here's another tool
l'm hog-wild about.

This is an antique sausage stuffer.

Very simple.
The casing goes on this end,

put your ground-up meat in here,
push the plunger down

and you got yourself
a custom-made kielbasa.

Very few moving parts.
lt's a nice, well-made tool.

- That's it for antique tools...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Not so fast.
You think we'd end this

without me showing the audience how l
make my own personal brand of sausage?

l prayed.

Well, l got an old Taylor family recipe.

Put the meat in the hopper up here.
l use a lean pork shoulder.

Little bit of garlic, onion, chives.

Then to make it spicy,
l go with a little cayenne pepper.

[Cajun accent] l guarantee spicy.

Jalapeno pepper
and a little chili powder.

Sounds like it's gonna
be tough on the tummy.

Way ahead of you, Al. l've got some
secret ingredients to help prevent that.

All right. We go with a little bit
of Maalox. Just a touch.

A little bit of this pink stuff just
for a dash of color. How about that?

Just a touch of Gas Be Gone. Poof!

And a little bit of Beano.
A soup‡on of Beano.

And just for safety's sake, l wouldn't
eat this stuff near an open flame.

Yeah. That would... Four o'clock
is great. Thank you. Bye.

All right! l got that interview for the
research job in the Psych department.

Where you work in the basement,
no windows, no pay?

Yes! God, l hope l get it!

- [doorbell rings]
- l got it.

- Hello.
- Hello.

l'd like to speak to the man
or the woman of the house.

l'm the man of the house.

May l ask what you're using
to solve your tough cleaning problems?

[Tim] His mother.

What have l told you about talking
to solicitors, Brad?

You want to be
as warm and friendly as possible.

- l'll handle this.
- But, Dad...

- Brad.
- Uh, l go to Lakeside High.

Stop by sometime. lt's filthy.

lt's cold. Why don't you step inside?

Thank you.

[laughs] Uh, what are you selling?

Liquid Wonder, the amazing new
multi-purpose dirt destroyer.

Cleans grease, woodwork,
patio furniture, mini-blinds

and, oh, so much more.

l got a case
of Binford cleaner in the garage.

But Liquid Wonder
has fast-acting sodium metasilicate.

Wow.

What is that?

The most potent cleaning ingredient
the government allows on the market.

[laughs]

God bless America, huh?

- l'll take one.
- Just one?

Case.

- [woman] That will be $ .
- OK.

Thank you so much.

Well, $ for a case of this cleaner,
it's a steal.

lt's a steal, all right.

What's that supposed to mean?

Tim, that woman flirted with you so
you'd buy her product. You fell for it.

l didn't fall for anything. l wanted
some cleaner and to help my country.

You have a whole garage
full of Binford cleaner.

But not like this. Honey,

this is the most powerful cleaning agent
approved for use during peacetime.

Would you have bought that
if it had been a man?

Yes. As long as it
had sodium Metamucil in it.

Hi. Um, has Jill Taylor
come out of her interview yet?

Because, uh, she's giving me
a ride home. l'm running late.

l'm always running late.
l don't know what it is with me.

l'm the receptionist.
l don't care what it is with you.

Patty.

- Yeah.
- lt went well.

They're gonna bring me
to meet Matthews.

Oh. Well, you're a shoo-in.

You know more about psychology
than half of the professors here.

How do you know so much
about abnormal behavior?

Have you met my husband?

lf l get this job, not only
will l get to work with Dr. Matthews,

but my name will be on a research paper.

[siren wailing]

l hate to tell you, but your name
is also gonna be on a speeding ticket.

Oh, no!

l can't believe this.
l have never gotten a ticket.

Good evening, ma'am. May l please see
your driver's license and registration?

Oh, yes, sir. Absolutely, sir.

- [Patty chuckles]
- [Jill] lt's here somewhere.

Let me see. Uh, glasses,

uh, hair brush, coupons, uh...

- Tic Tac?
- Just the license and registration.

Uh, l'll have a Tic Tac.

Ma'am, l clocked you at miles an
hour. The maximum speed limit is .

l understand, officer. l am so sorry.
l never speed.

lt's just l was so excited about
this job interview l just came from.

lf l get this, my name will be
on a research paper on the effects

of adolescent anti-social behavior
on inner-family dynamics.

But l guess you've heard
that story a thousand times.

Just tonight.

Officer, um, l know this
isn't standard procedure,

but could you possibly find it in your
heart to just let me off with a warning?

Officer, l will never speed again.

You think you can really
be more careful from now on?

l promise.

Well, l guess l can make an exception
and let you off just this once.

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much!

Don't mention it... to anybody.

Oh, no. No.

Good night.

[chuckles] Boy, was that lucky!

[laughing] Luck had nothing
to do with it.

He would have let you off
with a dead body in the back.

What are you talking about?

l am talking about
that incredible job of flirting

- you just pulled off on that cop.
- l was not flirting.

Oh, you weren't flirting?
What was the hair flip thing about?

- My hair was in my face.
- Oh, really?

What about you flashed
your butt to get your license?

- What about that?
- l was just reaching for my purse.

And how about when you gave him
those helpless little-girl eyes?

''Officer, l'll never speed again.''

Oh, my God!
You're right. l was flirting.

You were brilliant.

l can't believe l did that!
l just had this argument with Tim

about how disgusting it is
when women manipulate men that way.

- God, l hate myself.
- Well, l hate you too.

l tried to flirt my way
out of a ticket once.

l got another one for indecent exposure.

l don't want to talk about it.

- Why do we have to clean all day?
- Because l like a clean house.

No. Because you got suckered into buying
bucks of lemon-scented water.

Lemon-scented water
with sodium meta-silverfish in it.

Now, come on. Clean the garage.

[doorbell rings]

- Good evening again.
- Officer?

l hate to disturb you, Mrs. Taylor,

but l walked off with your
driver's license and registration.

Oh! Thank you. Wait, officer.

Um, l've been thinking a lot
about what happened today,

and l'm really angry
at myself for what l did.

Good. Then you
won't speed the next time.

No, wait, wait.
Um, l know this is unusual.

But l would feel a lot better
if you would just go ahead

and give me that speeding ticket.

Sorry, ma'am. lf l give you a ticket,

then l'll have to give a ticket
to everybody who wanted one.

[sighs] Oh.

- There is an explanation.
- l'm dying to hear it, you know?

To the untrained ear,
this is gonna sound ridiculous,

but it sounded like you were
begging a Michigan state trooper

to give you a speeding ticket.

l wasn't begging. l was just asking
for what is rightfully mine.

l was speeding
and he let me off with a warning.

Ah!

So you invited him over here
in the hopes that he reconsider.

No. He was bringing me
back my driver's license.

Huh? There's some part
of the picture missing here.

OK, Tim,
l flirted to get out of a ticket.

Really?

Really. l'm worse than the...
the Liquid Wonder woman.

Oh. No, no.
She was flirting to sell cleaner.

Your flirting brought down
the entire criminal justice system.

- Congratulations!
- Tim, it was entirely subconscious.

- l'm ashamed of what l did.
- Don't be ashamed of it.

You give the guy a wink
and you keep our insurance rates down.

- l wish l could do that.
- What are you talking about?

lf l had great legs,
l could drive as fast as l wanted to.

You are entirely missing the point!

The point is if l were a sexy woman,
my life would be a lot easier.

And mine would
be a lot more screwed up.

[Wilson] Hidy-ho, neighborette.

May l ask why you thrash your trash?

l flirted to get out
of a traffic ticket today.

l sunk to the level of that saleswoman

who sold Tim a whole case
of useless cleaner.

Oh, you mean Liquid Wonder?

l bought a whole case myself.

From the Liquid Wonder tramp?

Well, that is no way
to talk about Cathy.

Cathy. Oh, Wilson.

Well, Jill, unfortunately,
everybody, at some time or another,

is susceptible
to the wiles of the opposite sex.

Well, l come from the old school
of feminism. l don't want to be wily.

l wasn't even aware
l was flirting with that cop.

For all l know, l may have been doing it
in that job interview l had.

Unfortunately, in many societies,
women are at a disadvantage,

so that subconsciously, or consciously,

they flirt in order
to level the playing field.

ln other words, you guys own the
stadium, and we're the pom-pom girls.

Well, l didn't make the rules.
l'm just on the winning team.

The whole thing stinks.

Well, l know who would agree with you.

Charlotte Whitten,
the Canadian feminist.

She said that whatever women do,

they have to do twice as well as men
in order to be thought half as good.

l don't mind working twice as hard.

lt's these stupid games
l don't want to have to play.

And l'm not gonna
let myself do it anymore.

You men are so lucky
you don't have to do that stuff.

- Well, sometimes we do it anyway.
- Ah, not you, Wilson.

Oh, it's true. Whenever l want that
special book from Shirley the librarian,

l roguishly flash my baby blues...

...and eloquently
quote the Greek philosophers.

l disgust myself,
but l always get the book.

Well, we finally managed
to use up all the Liquid Wonder.

Wait. One more bottle.

- Wow, Mom. You look nice.
- Thank you.

Who died?

l'm not going to a funeral.
l have my interview with Dr. Matthews.

l'm trying to look serious
and professional.

Hey, guys. l'm taking... Whoa, mama!

- What?
- Guys, go finish cleaning the garage.

- Can't. We're out of Liquid Wonder.
- Use the Binford crap.

l've never seen you in that suit.
You look hot.

l don't look hot.
l look serious and professional.

Come on, baby. Spin for daddy.

What is the matter with you?
This is not sexy.

- l am almost completely covered up.
- That's what's sexy about it.

lt gets me thinking
about what you got covered up.

Well, maybe l should just wear,
you know, a longer skirt.

Even sexier. Mystery of the unknown.

l could wear my burgundy pantsuit.
That's conservative.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. Nothing turns
a man on more than conservative.

Remember what a fan
l used to be of Barbara Bush?

You are unbelievable!

l should just go to this interview in my
ratty old bathrobe and a shower cap.

The blue one with the ducks on it? Yeah!

Hello. Um, l'm Jill Taylor. l have
an appointment with Dr. Matthews.

Oh, he's just finishing with the
other candidate. lt shouldn't be long.

Thank you.

Thanks for coming in, Brenda.
l enjoyed meeting you.

And l'll be making
my decision later today.

Thanks, Dr. Matthews.
l know l can do a great job for you.

- Mrs. Taylor?
- Oh, Jill. Call me Jill.

l'll be with you in just a minute, Jill.
l need to return a quick phone call.

Do you know anything about that woman?

l know that she has a . average and
a skirt that's five inches too short.

Skirt.

What are you doing?

l'm cashing in my pom-poms
for the keys to the stadium.

Jill?

Hi. l'm just gonna need
a few more minutes here.

- Dr. Matthews.
- Back to our old look, are we?

Yes, we are. You know,
l wavered for a minute there.

But, um,

the truth is l object to women who
flaunt their sexuality to get something.

l know because l have been one of those
women at least three times this week.

l'm not sure l follow.

Look, l don't want to get this job
based on how well l flirt.

l have worked too hard for that.
l have excellent grades,

top skills in data analysis and
research. l have led three study groups.

There is not a professor
that wouldn't give me a reference.

- Jill...
- lf l get this job,

l want it to be based
on merit and not on this.

What makes you so sure
l'm not gonna base this on merit?

Well, l don't know that. l mean,
l'm not, you know, absolutely... sure.

[clears throat]
OK, here's the deal.

This all started when my husband
bought this Wonder Cleaning stuff

from this sexy saleswoman.
She was doing that hair flip thing.

And then l got stopped for speeding.
And l did the hair flip thing.

Then l saw Brenda.
She's doing the hair flip, so...

Jill, this may shock you,

but there are men who hire women
based on qualifications

and not on how well they flirt.

And you would be one of those men.

lt is so nice to meet you.

l knew the moment l saw you you would be
a man of great character and wisdom.

And l don't hire based
on flattery either.

No, of course not!

So, even though l thought l blew it,

he gave me the job based
on my qualifications.

l'm very proud of you.
And here is to the new job.

Thank you.

So l hope you learned
something from all of this.

Yes... yes, of course.

What did you learn?

lsn't it enough that l learned
something? Do l have to explain it?

You should've learned
that a woman doesn't have to flirt

to get what she wants. Mmm.

She can move ahead in her life with
talent, honesty and determination,

and hard work, and... Are you listening
to anything l'm saying?

Hm?

l'm sorry.
But that... bun is driving me crazy.

- The bun?
- And that granny get-up. Hoo-haw!

[monkey sounds on radio]

[siren wails]

Oh, no!

No, no, no, no!

Good evening, sir.

Good evening. lt's downright balmy
for January, isn't it, officer?

May l see your license
and registration?

Of course. Yes, of course.

They're in my jeans.
They're kind of tight, though.

Sir, l clocked you going miles
per hour. The maximum speed is .

l'm afraid l'll have
to give you a ticket.

Hold on a minute. You know...

...l'm, um... l'm terribly sorry.

And if you gave me a warning, you know,

l... l promise l'd never do it again.
Promise.

Sorry, sir. The law is the law.

But l'm sure you have
the power to make an exception.

[woman] Sir, get out of the vehicle.

l'm going to administer a sobriety test.

Your garage is full of Binford cleaner.

But this cleaner has the most powerful
cleaning agent approved for your...

[Jill laughs]

You have a whole ga...
garage full of Binford cleaner.

Yeah, but not like this, honey.

This is the most powerful
cleaning solvent that, uh...