06x18 - Something Old, Someone Blue

[bunniefuu]

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- [audience] Tool Time!

That's right. Binford Tools is proud
to present Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor!

Thank you very much.
Welcome to Tool Time.

l am Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.

Of course you all know my assistant,
Al ''Here Comes the Groom'' Borland!

[applause]

Big day tomorrow, right, Al?

Uh, yes. Tomorrow is the big day.

Uh, in hours and minutes,

Dr. llene Louise Markham will become

Dr. llene Louise Markham-Borland.

[audience laughs]

lt rolls right off the tongue,
doesn't it?

Anyway, on today's show

we're gonna be talking about
replacing your old bathroom fixtures

with new ones.

You might want to select these

and install them
when the wife's out of the house.

Otherwise, you might end up with...

- [crows] ...one of these.
- [audience laughs]

[continues crowing]

[kissing sound]

Who wants tap water coming out
of a Klingon bird of prey, huh?

Women, that's who.

Women tend to overdo everything.
Bathrooms, weddings...

Now, how can you compare
bathrooms and weddings?

Well, during my wedding, l spent most of
the time in the bathroom.

[audience and Tim laugh]

See, a man wouldn't plan
one of these big shindigs.

A man's wedding would be simple
and direct. Right, guys?

Wouldn't cost an arm and a leg, either.
l could do a wedding for, l don't know,

[blows raspberry]
...off the top of my head, $ . .

$ . without flowers.

There is no way you can do
a wedding for that kind of money.

Watch me!

The first thing to go, are those
expensive invitations women have.

A man's invitation would cost
about... mmm, cents.

- [scoffs] What are you taking about?
- l'll show you.

Hank! Yeah. l'm getting hitched.

What are you doing Tuesday?

Tuesday? That's ridiculous. Nobody would
go to a wedding on a Tuesday.

Ah-ha! Added bonus then.

Eliminates ø% of your rogue relatives.

Stop talking about marriage
and get back to faucets.

To wedding cakes. Let's start talking
about wedding cakes.

Women want tiered wedding cakes,
look like Aztec sacrificial altars.

And on the top...

...the bride and
groom in the penthouse.

Holding hands and smiling.

[snorts] What's that about?

lt symbolizes the joy of marriage.

A man's wedding cake would show
what marriage is really like.

Heidi, the man's wedding cake, please.

[audience laughs]

[bell dings]

- [audience cheers]
- [bell dings again]

- [grunts]
- Whoa! Big gift?

You and Mom have a big fight?

- lt's for Al.
- You and Al have a big fight?

[grunts] lt's for his
bachelor party tonight.

- Cool! Can we come?
- Yeah, we're bachelors.

And we know how to party.

This isn't a party for kids.

Ooh, what are you gonna do?
Sit around and tell dirty jokes?

Waste of time.
Al wouldn't get any of them.

- Hi, guys.
- [all] Hi.

Wait, wait, take these upstairs.

Tim, how could you say
all those idiotic things on Tool Time?

You'll have to be more specific.

How can you stereotype women like that?

Again, you'll have to be more specific.

The swan faucets,
how women overdo everything.

You put down marriage, weddings.
You probably scared Al to death.

- Honey, he knows l was kidding.
- Well, he's about to get married.

You could've said something
supportive, nice, emotional.

l'm saving that for the bachelor party.

[groans]

[Tim laughs]

Yeah, l heard about all the warmth
and sensitivity at your bachelor party.

lt was a very special evening for me.

And luckily, that stripper
turned out to be a paramedic.

[laughs] And then she says, ''Fifty
bucks, Senator. Same as in town.''

l don't get it.

Do you get it, Cal?

lt's amazing. The flannel brothers
haven't gotten one joke yet.

Well, we were brought up
in a very proper home.

Mother did shield us from a lot.

Your mother could
shield Michigan from the sun.

You know, l myself had rather a
Puritanical upbringing.

My father was abstemious
and he abhorred the salacious bon mot.

l know he's speaking English because
l understood the word ''father.''

Hey, slow down, big fella. That's the
third diet ginger ale you've had.

This is a first. The groom's gonna
end up the designated driver.

Come on, Al! This is your last night
as a free man. Have a real drink.

You know, you're right.

lt's time to throw caution to the wind
and sow my wild oats!

- Yeah.
- [Tim] Yeah, right.

Or, in your case, wild oat bran.

Milton, no more diet ginger ale.

Give me a, uh, Jack Black, beer back.

[guys cheer]

You know, l want you guys to know
it really means a lot to me

to spend this night
with my dearest friends.

When are they coming?

Boy, Al! l never thought l'd see the day
when you took the fatal plunge.

Aw, come on!
l wouldn't call it a plunge.

Marty, what would you call it?

More like a slow agonizing death.

Come on! Doesn't somebody have
something good to say about marriage?

Be good if mine ended.

You know, Martin Luther
had something good to say.

''There is no more lovely, friendly
or charming relationship,

communion, or company
than a good marriage.''

[guys] Here, here!

You know, Al, we make
a lot of jokes about marriage.

And the truth is when you find the right
person, there's nothing quite like it.

Here.. here's to
my best friend, Al Borland.

[guys cheer]

Let's not forget the bride-to-be,

Dr. llene Louise Markham...
''hyphen-hyphen!''

[all] ''Hyphen-hyphen.''

''Hyphen,'' ls that a Ukrainian name?

- Al, we got a little surprise for you.
- [Tim] Yeah.

Oh, boy! Here it comes!

Al, we brought some tokens of our esteem
to commemorate the eve of your nuptials.

Oh, you guys!

Open mine first. You've been
waiting for this for a long time.

An oven-ready casserole set?

Loosen your girdle, will ya, fella?

This isn't a bridal shower with women
oohing and ahhing over girlie gifts.

Ooh, a demolition hammer!

Ooh! Ahh!

- [grunts]
- With a three-quarter-inch X-shank.

[guys] Ahh!

The kind of thing
you never buy for yourself.

That is so stunning.

- And in such good taste.
- lt's so slimming.

This is exactly why
l registered at Sears!

l just...l just love it!

All right, buddy.

So, Lady Astor said
to Winston Churchill,

''lf you were my husband,
l'd put poison in your coffee.''

To which he replied, ''Madam, if l were
your husband, l would drink it!''

Churchill, huh?
Does he ever play Vegas?

- Great party, huh?
- The best.

Tim, you know before when you were
saying about finding the right woman?

Yeah. What about it?

[chuckles] How does a guy know
if he's found her?

Usually he knows before
he's gotten in as deep as you have.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

You do know, don't you?

- Of course.
- Yeah.

- l... l think so.
- Yep, yep.

l thought so.

l... l really don't know if l should
go through with this wedding.

What? No!

[repeating] Al...

...don't listen to this.
ls it because of what we said?

No. l don't...
l don't take any of that seriously.

ls it because of
what l said on Tool Time?

l never take that seriously.

Well, what are you talking about?
What's the problem here?

l don't know if llene
is the right woman for me.

- She is!
- No.

lf l go through with this, it could be
the biggest mistake of my life.

[sighs]

This is... this is...
this is not like you, Al, um...

...you shouldn't be drinking that.
lt's just that brown liquor talking.

How many have you had?

- lf l finish this...
- lf you finish that one.

One.

What are you guys still doing up?

We're getting this stuff together
to detail Al's car for the wedding.

You're gonna tie cans to the bumper and
spray shaving cream on the windshield?

- That's supposed to be funny?
- Dad thinks so.

Why don't you try doing this to his car
and see how funny he thinks it is?

l like the way you think.

Oh! Stay away from my shoes!

Al...

- ...what are you doing here?
- Tim made me come.

He doesn't want to
go through with the wedding.

[gasps] Oh, my God!

This is all your fault!

You didn't do enough damage
on Tool Time?

You had to drive him over the edge
at the bachelor party?

- l told you she'd blame this on me.
- No. lt's not Tim's fault.

- lt's not?
- l've thought about it for months.

l thought it would just go away.

[sighs] Tonight at the party,
l looked at the clock

and l realized that in hours and
minutes l was going to be a married man.

And l... l don't think l want to be.

Oh, Al.

lt's just cold feet.
That happens to everybody.

- lt does?
- [Tim] Yeah, everybody. Sure.

Yeah, absolutely. The morning of
my wedding l was such a wreck.

My sisters had to literally drag me

kicking and screaming
the whole way to the church.

l was freaked out at the prospect of
spending the rest of my life with Tim.

- Yeah.
- [sarcastic] Yeah.

l don't remember you telling me this.

Well, l didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

So, you thought now
would be a good time?

l'm trying to help Al out here. OK?

- You are perfect together...
- Wait a minute. Hold it.

Kicking and screaming?

Tim, l was young. l had
my whole future ahead of me.

- You didn't have second thoughts?
- No. But l'm... l'm having some now.

Maybe l should go.

- No, don't...
- l'll go with you.

You are being ridiculous.
This was what, years ago? Al! Al!

You said llene was the
best thing that happened to you.

l know! l know that!

Lately there's been some things
about her that just get on my nerves.

- Well, like what? What?
- Well...

...she's so darn... nice!

She never stands up for herself!
She never gets angry!

- Never gets annoyed!
- Kicking and screaming?

l want somebody who is feisty!

Somebody who is not afraid
to look me in the eye and say,

''Al, you've had
way too much bacon bits!''

l want somebody...
somebody like Barbara Walters.

Barbara Walters?

Oh, yeah. She's sassy.

Al, the wedding is tomorrow.

Honey, you've gotta go home and
give this some serious thought.

This is a decision that'll affect
the rest of your life.

- And llene's.
- l know. l... you're right.

l just, l have to go home
and decide whether...

whether there is something
really deep between us,

or if it's just wild,
unbridled sex!

[both groaning]

What's going on?
ls the wedding on or off?

- Al called at : and it was off.
- Then he called at : and it was on.

OK, so, what do you think?

- The Civil w*r's over.
- Oh!

But apparently disco
is alive and kicking.

Al, welcome. Welcome.

- [all] Al!
- [Jill] Oh, thank God you're here!

l'm sorry l'm late.

Remember that wedding rule.
Once in the building, don't leave.

Don't worry. l'm feeling better about
things. l've made my decision.

l'm gonna take the plunge.
ln minutes and seconds,

Al Borland becomes Mr. Al Borland!

OK. OK, OK, l need the groom.
l need the best man.

l need ushers, ushers, ushers.

- Are you an usher?
- Do you think l would buy this suit?

- Good news. Al's here.
- Oh, good.

Great, great. Well, l guess that means
that l'll be getting married soon.

- [Jill] Yes!
- Heidi, l need you for pictures.

[Heidi] OK.

Oh, llene, look at you.

You're so beautiful.

This is gonna be the most
wonderful day of your life.

l hope so because
l really have the jitters.

- That's just cold feet.
- Really?

Everybody feels that. You should've
seen me on the morning of my wedding.

My sisters literally had
to drag me kicking...

Kicking and screaming.

Um, Patty would like
llene outside to take pictures.

- l'll just be a second.
- Kicking and screaming.

lt's normal. All brides are nervous.

ls it normal to wonder if l'm making
the biggest mistake of my life?

What?

Jill...

...l am not sure...

...l'm doing the right thing.

What?

l love Al.

But l don't know if l love
him the way l'm supposed to, you know?

- He's a great guy.
- [snorting]

But l'm not sure
if he's the guy for me.

[sighs] Did this just
occur to you today?

No. l... l guess l've been thinking
about it for a couple of months.

l guess l just didn't want
to admit it to myself.

Oh, llene.

You know, the things l used to find
charming about him, l now find annoying.

But that's marriage.

You know that snorting sound he makes?
[imitates Al]

Oh, but it's cute. And he only does it
after he tells a joke.

He does it after
a few other things, too.

[gasps] Oh!

l need the bride on the double.

No! llene, if you feel this way,
don't you think you should talk to Al?

- l can't. He'd be devastated.
- Maybe. Maybe not. You never know.

- Tim! Tim!
- What's the matter? What's the matter?

You aren't gonna believe this.
llene feels the same way that Al does.

She's got a thing for Barbara Walters?

She thinks that she's making
the biggest mistake of her life.

[Patty] OK, good. l need
a few more of Al and llene.

- Uh, they need the groom at the altar.
- [llene] Al! Al!

- We need to talk!
- l'm needed at the altar.

lt's now or never, Al.

l'm not sure if we
should be getting married.

- Woo-hoo!
- [camera clicks]

You? You what?

Really?

- l'm not sure either.
- Over here.

You're not sure?
Well... why didn't you say something?

l... l made a commitment to you.

Woo-ooh.

- Why didn't you say something?
- Over here.

- Why don't we finish this in private?
- Could you excuse us a second?

- How's it going?
- Any news from the lovebirds?

- Not yet.
- How's it going in the church?

Uh, pretty good.

Heidi got her hoop skirt caught
in the communion rail.

All the guys are lining up
to help her get untangled.

And even worse.
Al's mother's starting to pace.

l thought l felt the
foundation shaking.

l had better get back, uh...

...Harry's holding my place in line.

- [sighs]
- [door opens]

Are the doors opening?
Oh, this looks good. They're smiling.

Oh, Al. l'm so glad we talked.

Me, too. l'm sure glad
we worked this out.

Oh, look at them.

A happy ending.
You're getting married.

- No, we're not.
- You're not.

Well, we thought we'd
be better off just friends.

- Good friends.
- Yes.

Does this mean
she's available now?

Hey, guys. Are you sure
this is what you want to do?

- l really think it's the best thing.
- What about you, Al?

Oh, yeah. l...l feel the same way.

l... l just don't know how
l'm gonna break it to mother.

- [Mrs. Borland] Oh, no! Ho-ho!
- [thudding]

l think she knows.

l think somebody had
better send for a forklift.

Mother!

Strangest wedding l've ever been to.

Great music, great food.
Nobody got married.

lf you'd had it your way, that's how
our wedding would've ended up.

Are you still obsessing about that?

Sorry.

lt's a little upsetting to find out
after years, our marriage is a sham.

[laughs] You're not seriously upset?

Maybe.

OK...

...what is it
you really want out of this?

What do you got?

l love you very, very much.

Marrying you was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

What else you got?