01x01 - The Lady in the Bottle

[bunniefuu]

-Thank you, Tony.
-Good morning.

-Good morning.
-Good Morning.

-How are you feeling, Tony?
-Kind of eager, sir.

He's a lucky devil. Wouldn't want
to sit this one out, would you?

No, thanks. lt's my baby.

-Everything checks out, general.
-Good. Melissa asked me...

...to give you her love. She wanted
to come and see you off...

...but l don't break regulations,
not even for my daughter.

-No, sir. l understand.
-Tony, this is your week.

Up in orbit today
and marrying Melissa on Sunday.

We'll throw you a bachelor party
when you get back.

All systems A-okay.

Ten seconds to f*ring.

Nine, eight...

...seven, six, five...

...four, three, two...

...one, zero. Lift-off.

Status, Control--

-What happened?
-Final stage misfired.

He won't be able
to maintain orbit.

Control to Stardust One.
Control to Stardust One.

Come in, Tony.

Stardust One to Control....

Final-stage rocket misfired. We'll have
to bring you back. Stand by.

This is General Stone.
We have an emergency.

Stardust One is coming down.
Alert the Seventh Fleet.

l must have gone further
into orbit than l thought.

Well, l've read about genies,
but l never thought they really--

lt's like something
out of the Arabian Nights.

l suppose if l didn't come along,
you'd still be in this.

Wait a minute. l rescued you.
l rescued--

That means l get a free wish
or something.

Genies do that, don't they?
Well, of course they do.

Yeah, genie--
l'll tell you what l wish.

l wish there was a big,
beautiful P V...

...right up in the sky,
over my head right now.

l have to get a genie
that doesn't speak English.

Airplane, airplane.

Airplane, you know....
lt's up in the sky.

Up there, see.

-Simore.
-Yes, yes, yes. All right, simore.

No, no. No, no, no.

No, no. Genie, take it away.

Yeah.
Yeah, that was a simore, all right.

All right, look,
forget about the airplane.

l wish for a ship, genie.

A boat. A boat in the water,
in the ocean.

Like this.

A ship.

-Heshti.
-Yes, yes. Heshti.

You're older than you look.

No. No, it's--
lt's not right, genie.

lt's not right. Take it away.

Genie, l wish you could
speak English.

Somehow l must find a way
to please thee, master.

Forget it. You'll never be able
to please me...

...as long as you don't understa--
You spoke English.

That's all l had to do was say,
'' l wish.''

Thou may ask anything
of thy sl*ve, master.

That's very kind of you. l--

l actually don't need
anything at the moment.

Yes, l do. l need a helicopter.

-Helicopter?
-Yes, a helicopter. lt's a--

Well, it's like an airplane,
and it's big, and it's noisy.

Well, it has blades on top.

Makes that kind of a noise.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a helicopter.

That's a helicop--
That's a helicopter!

That is a helicopter!

Genie, you're marvellous.
l don't know how to thank you.

-l will teach thee, master.
-Wait a minute, genie.

But l-- l gotta get my gear.
Come on, let's go.

Oh, boy.
Wait till l get you back to the base.

-l'll travel anywhere with thee, master.
-Sure. Sure.

Wait till General Stone sees you.

Genie, l'll never be able
to explain you.

Well, l-- l'm setting you free.

Thou hast set me free, master.
Now l belong to thee.

No, no, no.
You don't understand.

l rescued you,
and you rescued me. We're even.

l'm going home now, and you--
You go wherever you go.

Okay?

Goodbye, genie.

Goodbye.

-Are you a welcome sight.
-Well, so are you.

The world is wondering
where you are right now.

-l was wondering myself. Where am l?
-Well, l'm not quite sure.

Storm blew us off course.

-Well, how did you find me?
-lnstinct, captain. lnstinct.

Come on, let's go get your gear.

Yeah, l can't wait to get out of here.

-What, did you lose something?
-No. No, no, it's all right.

You say something?

-Did you say anything?
-No. Come on, let's go.

l'm always fascinated
by these local courtship customs.

Hello, Dr. Bellows.

Melissa, excuse us
while your fiancé and l have a chat?

l'll wait for you outside.

-l'll drive you home?
-Wonderful.

Doctor.

Well, l just checked over
your report.

You don't seem to suffer
any physical after-effects.

No, sir.

-No emotional after-effects?
-Not exactly.

-But something.
-Well, it was--

lt was nothing, really. l--

l sort of had a hallucination.

-Did you?
-Yes, yes.

l'd been floating around up there,
and l suppose l was dizzy...

...and that, in combination
with a lack of oxygen and worry...

...and wishful thinking....

Well, she seemed
very real to me at the time.

Of course, l know now that
it was just my subconscious.

l knew l was off the beaten track,
and that l might never be found, and--

When l saw that bottle
on the beach, l--

l hallucinated a genie out of it.

-A genie?
-Yes.

A girl genie.

-A girl genie?
-Yes.

-What was this genie like?
-Oh, she was--

Just your average, everyday,
run-of-the-mill genie.

Of course.

-Beautiful?
-Yes.

Desirable?

-And helpful?
-Yes, yes.

Captain, that's the classic fantasy.

A beautiful girl on a desert island.
A girl who would do anything for you.

Do you know who that girl was?

No, sir. l've never
seen her before in my life.

-She was your mother.
-My mother's in Salt Lake City, sir.

l'm a psychiatrist.
l know a mother when l see one.

Now, l suggest you go home
and get some rest, a lot of it.

Well, thank you.

l feel a lot better
getting this off my chest.

For a while there,
l was afraid l was cracking up.

-Were you?
-Yes.

Goodbye.

Get me General Stone.

Darling, how would you like me
to fix dinner for you?

That would be wonderful.

Well, that's the least l can do
for the conquering hero.

Yeah, some hero.
l didn't even finish the mission.

Well, that really wasn't your fault.

Tony?

-ls there someone in your shower?
-No. Of course not.

Who would be taking a shower--?

-Goodbye.
-Goodbye?

l didn't realize how tired l was.

Well, you look a little tired.

All right, darling.
Of course l understand.

l tell you what.
After l get a little rest...

...l'll pick you up,
and we'll go to dinner--

Well. Well, look--
Look who's here.

l'm looking.

-Melissa, this is-- This is Jeannie.
-Tony.

l've always prided myself
on being tolerant, but....

But would you explain to me,
what is that girl doing here?

Well, that's the explanation.
She's not here.

-What?
-Well, she is here...

...but, of course, she's not a girl.

-No--
-Goodbye, Tony.

-No, no. You don't understand.
-Oh, l'm afraid l do understand.

Tony, l may be tolerant, but--

But that's a girl.

lt's a girl.

What was that one
doing here, master?

That one was my fiancée.

-Thou art kidding.
-Now, just a minute, young lady.

-Melissa happens to be a very--
-A black-haired demon.

Well, yeah, look who's talking.

l can do much more
for thee than she can.

Now, stop that, Jeannie.
We don't do that in America.

l mean, when you're engaged
to General Stone's daughter...

...you don't do that in America.

Yes?

Hello.

Oh, hi, Eddie.

General Stone's
on his way over here?

Right. Right, thanks.

General Stone's on his way--
General Stone's on his way.

You've gotta get
out of here right now.

-l'm happy here with thee.
-Oh, but you--

Jeannie, l hate to do this,
but l wish you to vanish.

-Where did l go wrong?
-Thou hast set me free.

That means that l am free
to please thee.

And l am going
to please thee very much.

Oh, no. No, please--

Look, you don't understand.

Please, General Stone's gonna
be here any minute.

l'll tell you--
Get back in your bottle, okay?

-Back in your bottle, huh?
-Oh, thou art so masterful.

Now, Jeannie--
Now, Jeannie, l mean it.

Stop that. l mean it.

Would you please cut that out?

l don't think you understand
how really important this is.

This-- l want you
to get back in there.

Now, come on,
stop playing around.

Please-- Jeannie, look....

Yeah, look. Jeannie, look.

Look at what l have. lsn't that pretty?
Look, look, look.

See?

-lt's a black pearl.
-Yes, yes. lt's yours. lt's yours. Here.

There. l got you.

Stop.

Bless you.

l'm gonna let you go now,
Jeannie, and l--

Thanks for everything.
Have a nice trip.

-Hello, Tony.
-How you doing, boy?

-How are you feeling?
-Great. Just great.

Dr. Bellows told us
about your hallucination.

Well, you didn't have
to mention that, sir.

lt was nothing really.
lt was just the heat of the excitement.

lt was nothing at all.
l explained it all to him.

Sometimes these hallucinations
return, captain.

ln all conscience, l can't
qualify you for active duty again...

...until we're certain
that you're completely normal.

l am normal. Absolutely normal.
There's no girl in a bottle.

Dr. Bellows and l both think--

Excuse me.

Hey, stop! Hey, wait a minute,
there's a girl in there.

She must have sneaked past us.

Jeannie? Are you all right?
Now, come on, speak to me.

What's with this guy, Charlie?

l told you, there's a girl in there.
She's in a bottle.

Well, no wonder we didn't see her.
You're sick.

Hey, stop!
Please, no! You could k*ll her.

-l'll buy the garbage from you.
-What?

l'll buy the whole truckload.

-What do you charge for garbage?
-We're in a high-class neighbourhood.

l mean, we got
a good grade of garbage.

l'll give you $ . Here. Jeannie.
Jeannie, speak to me. Please!

Jeannie? Jeann--

-Oh, here she is. Here she is.
-Come along with us, captain.

We'll buy you all the garbage
you want. lt's all right.

No, no, no....

Jeannie, you can come out now.

She saved my life, you know.

Come on out, Jeannie,
the general's waiting.

Oh, look, look, look.

Look, look. See? See?
Now, come on.

Yeah, now l see her.
She's really quite...

-...smooth. She's beautiful.
-Very clear.

You and this girl were inside
of this bottle, playing marbles.

-Call the hospital.
-Please-- No, wait. Sir--

Please.

You really believed me,
didn't you, huh?

l really had you fooled.

Oh, if you could see
the expression on your faces.

What do you mean,
you had us fooled?

When l was putting you on.
Do you remember the time...

...you locked me in the freezing
chamber and left me there, huh?

And do you remember the time
you blew me out of the wind tunnel?

Well, l was just getting back
at them, sir.

You mean the whole thing
is just a gag?

And what a gag. l really had
you guys going, huh?

You made it seem
remarkably real.

Very interesting.

Well, l hope l didn't
carry this too far, general.

You really had me worried, Tony.

l wouldn't want a son-in-law who
went around seeing genies, would l?

-Well, of course not, sir.
-Rest. l'll see you in the morning.

-Yes, sir.
-Let's go.

Come on, you guys.
l really had you going.

We thought we'd lost you.

Well, you'll know better than to play
practical jokes on me in the future.

Oh, l'm terribly sorry.

Thou deceived me.

l should turn thee
into a serpent with two heads.

Now, don't do anything
you're gonna feel sorry for.

l trusted thee.
What manner of master art thou?

l appreciate everything
you've done for me.

Honestly, l do. But--

Well, there's just no room
for you in my life.

l wish you'd take
my shirt off, Jeannie.

No, no! l mean,
l wish you'd put on your own clothes.

Thanks.

You're just not Air Force, Jeannie.

l have a career. l have a fiancée.

That one, she's made of ice.
She could never make thee happy.

For over years
l've been in that bottle.

And then....

Then this hand released me.

Oh, when l saw thy wise face...

...l cannot tell thee how much
happiness thou hast brought to me.

No, no, no. No.

Thou must relax.

Wait, wait. Now, stop.
Jeannie. Jeannie, put me down.

Jeannie, stop.

Now, is this not better?

Well....

Well....

lt beats going into orbit.

How'd you get
in that crazy bottle anyway?

A wicked and powerful jinn...

...put me in there because
l would not marry him.

You poor kid.

lt must have been wild
in those days.

Oh, it was.

lt would please thee to see it.

Hey, this is wild.

Ladies-- No, no, no.

Please stop.

We don't do this
in Cocoa Beach.

Hey, look, Jeannie, l--

Jeannie, would you please--?

Could you--?
Lady, would you take this--?

Would you stop this.

-Art thou not pleased, master?
-Yes-- No!

Now, look,
they're liable to lock me up now.

Thou art the most stubborn and
ungrateful master l've ever served.

Hey, Jeannie.

That's-- That's very kind of you.

You can go. Disappear now.
Jeannie, don't leave me here.

Don't leave them here. Jeannie.

Jeannie. Jeannie.

Jeannie.

Jeannie!

Look, l want us to part friends.

l'll tell you what, let's--

Let's go get your bottle
and take it down to the beach...

...or somewhere where you won't
be seen, and you can take off.

l'm sorry if l hurt your feelings.

So that's what's been going on
since l've been out of town!

l never saw him before.

But he's got a bottle waiting
for you at his place.

-You rotten home wrecker!
-No, no, no. l--

Sir, l wasn't talking to your wife.
l was talking to your smoke.

l thought it was a friend of mine.
Thank you.

Hello, Tony.

We were having
a little barbecue, sir.

-Are you going to a costume ball?
-No-- Well, l thought l might.

Shall we go inside.

Why don't we stay out here, sir.
lt's so cool.

Tony, let's go inside.

-You won't like it in there.
-Well, why not?

-For one thing, l'm redecorating.
-How come you didn't tell me?

Wait!

Wait, l can explain everything.
lt's very simple--

You all make yourselves
comfortable.

That's much better.

Sit down. Sit down.

Tony, there are certain things that
are expected of Melissa's husband.

Yes, sir, l know.

-Find that amusing?
-No. No.

-That's not funny.
-What did you say?

Nothing. Nothing.

You seem very nervous, Tony.

No, sir, l'm fine. Fine. Just fine.

l'm gonna recommend
a vacation for you.

That's an excellent idea, sir.

Somewhere a long, long way
away from here.

That's a wonderful idea.

-l believe in long honeymoons.
-So do l. So do l.

l know that you've been under
a terrible strain, darling.

And l'm-- l'm willing
to make allowances...

...up to a point.

But--

You don't want me
to make allowances?

Oh, l do. l do.

Get out of that dress.

-What?
-l didn't mean you, Melissa.

Tony, when you were up there...

...you didn't meet any unidentified
flying objects, did you?

Tony's just tired. After all,
he has been through a lot.

You'll never know, Melissa.

l think you're going to
feel so much better...

...once we get married.

-Would you get out of here.
-What?

Not you. Not you, sir.

lt's all right, darling.

l think it's time
that you should go to bed.

-l think you're absolutely right.
-l'll come by in the morning?

lt might be a better idea
if l came by to see you.

Naturally, l don't want to find
that girl around here anymore.

-Naturally.
-Good night, Tony.

Good night, Dad-- General.

l'm going to see that everything
is just fine, darling. Just fine.

Fine. Fine. Good night. Good night.

Go ahead, laugh.
Laugh, laugh, laugh.

You're laughing, l'm dying.

Well, go ahead, a good laugh.

l'm glad you're enjoying yourself,
because the party's over.

Now, listen here, young lady.

l am a grown man.
l won't have someone...

...taking over my life like this.

Do you understand that? l won't--

Jeannie, what are you doing to me?

l'm sorry, Jeannie.
You have got to go.

l want you to get on your magic carpet,
or however you travel...

...and when l got up
in the morning...

...l don't want to see you here.
Do you understand that?

Oh, no, you don't!
Jeannie. Jeannie, stop that.

Out. Out!