01x23 - Watch the Birdie

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Now?

Yes, l can bring them over
right now.

At the country club.

Yes, sir.
Right away, sir.

Would you mind knocking
the next time?

Certainly, master.

Where shall we go first?

Jeannie, l'm sorry. Something
very important has come up.

-l won't be able to take you out today.
-But you promised.

This is Saturday,
and you're not working.

And you said that you would spend
the whole day with me.

Yes, l know l did. But General
Peterson wants me to bring...

...some very important papers
to him at the country club.

-And he's in a big hurry.
-A big hurry?

A big hurry.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Jeannie....

Jeannie!

Jeannie. Jeannie!

This is nice.

lt reminds me of
the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

Yes. Yeah. Jeannie, look...

...l could be court-martialled for this.
l don't mind being out of uniform--

Would you mind getting me
dressed, please?

My briefcase, please.

-What is this place?
-This is a-- A golf course.

-Country club. They play golf here.
-Do you play this golf?

No, l don't. Jeannie,
l have a very important report...

...to get to the general.

Why don't you look around here,
or something.

All right, master.

Maybe later on, if he doesn't need me,
l could take you for a drive...

...down to the beach, huh?

-Thank you, master.
-Okay. You just take a look around.

All right.

General. Dr. Bellows.

Tony, you must live
right next to the golf course.

The route l took, sir,
there wasn't much traffic.

Strange.

When l drove out here,
it was bumper-to-bumper.

l have the reports, sir. The correlation
tables worked out more or less...

...the way we expected.
You'll be pleased.

Good. l want to go over them
before the meeting Monday morning.

-Thanks for bringing it over.
-Thank you, sir.

-Doctor.
-Goodbye, Major Nelson.

Doctor, we have a problem.

l know, sir.
l'm keeping an eye on him.

l'm talking about the fact
that Admiral Tugwell...

...and his aide are flying
down here next week.

They're coming down
to inspect the base?

Don't be naive.
They've seen the base.

The admiral is coming down
for some golf.

We do this once a year. And he's
beaten me seven years in a row.

This year l intend to b*at him.

l wish you luck, general.

Now, the admiral and his aide sh**t
in the low s. So do l.

But l can b*at them if l can
find the right man to play with.

Well, now, how about Henderson
or Lukerthon?

Well, they're good,
but they're not good enough.

l need someone who's almost a pro,
and that's where you come in.

l don't play golf, general.

But you have the files
of every man on the base.

l want you to find me
the best golfer we have.

l'm not going to let the Navy
b*at the Air Force again.

l understand, sir.

-l'll just make a phone call.
-You do that.

Excuse me, general.

That looks like fun.

Well, hello, major.

lt is fun. l'm Jerry Barber.

l'm the professional here.

-How do you do? Very nice to....
-Would you like to try one?

l don't play golf. Sorry.

Oh, come on. Go ahead.

-Really?
-Please do.

Where did l go wrong?

Major, put your feet
a little farther apart.

Put your hands on the club
a little over here.

Bend over a little. Try it again.

Well, l'm afraid l'm not
much of a golfer.

Try it again, major.

Feet a little farther apart.

Bend over a little at the waist.

-Hands a little firmer on the club.
-Right, right.

lt's a lot harder than it looks.

l'd like to be able
to knock this ball about...

... yards down the fairway.

Well, major, l'm afraid
there's very few people...

...that have ever done that.

And you're one of them.

That was a -yard drive.

l got his name, general.
lt's Edward Sheldon.

-He sh**t in the low s.
-Forget it.

l got a man who sh**t in the s.

-ln the s? Who's that, sir?
-Major Nelson.

Tony Nelson?

General, l happen to know
he doesn't even play golf.

You really got it in for him,
haven't you?

Not at all, sir. lt's not my fault
he doesn't play golf.

l saw him at a driving range
one day with Major Healey.

He was terrible.

He's good enough
to b*at Admiral Tugwell.

l've been waiting for this chance
for seven years.

General, if you want
to win that match...

...l assure you,
you're making a terrible mistake.

l'm not only gonna win it,
l'm doubling the stakes.

A -yard drive.

Could you do that again, major?

Oh, no. Never in a million years.
lt's just a lucky fluke.

How about trying it?

Well, all right.
lf you really want me to.

You did it again.

That's the most remarkable drive
l've ever seen in my life.

That's easily yards.

Well, l guess l'm better
than l thought.

Major, l guess maybe you are too.

Will you excuse me, major?
l've got a lesson.

l'll have to be off. Good luck to you.

Thank you. And thank you
for the instruction.

-Thank you.
-How about that.

Well....

Hi, Jeannie. Jeannie, what--?

Did...?

Oh, l see.

lt's Dr. Bellows.

-Major Nelson.
-Dr. Bellows.

Have you taken up golf?

No, l'm afraid l'll never
become a golfer, sir.

Well, that's what l thought. And yet
l wouldn't want to be wrong again.

-Wrong about what?
-Oh, nothing.

Oh, would you mind hitting a ball
for me?

-And what for, sir?
-l'd just like to see you hit the ball.

-Test my reflexes, sort of?
-Something like that.

All right.

You see, the important thing
is to grip the club firmly...

...bend over slightly...

...and keep your feet wide apart.

l'm afraid that wasn't very good.
l'll give it another try.

No, no, no. l've seen enough.

General Peterson would like you
to stop by his office this afternoon.

-l wonder why.
-So do l.

So do l.

Be your golf partner
in a tournament?

Well, l'm afraid
that's impossible, sir.

lmpossible?

-Why is it impossible?
-Well, for one thing--

You're not turning professional,
are you?

Professional, sir?
l couldn't even make amateur.

-The admiral got to you.
-No, sir.

l don't know who's been telling you l'm
a great golfer, but they're kidding you.

My average drive is three feet.
That is, if the wind's with me.

Tony, l don't want to pry
into your life.

lf you've given up golf,
l'm sure you had a good reason for it.

-Given it up, sir?
-Well, maybe it's taken up...

...too much of your time,
or you gave someone a promise...

-...not to play anymore.
-No. Sir, l assure you--

l don't care what your reasons are.

You're my partner
in that golf match Saturday.

l want to win that more than l want
to win anything in my life.

And you're asking me
to be your golf partner?

l'm not asking you,
l'm telling you.

Someone's in for
a big surprise Saturday.

Whatever made you
do a thing like that?

-You did.
-Me?

Well, you said you wanted
to hit the ball yards.

Why do you listen to me?

-Because l want to make you happy.
-You want to make me happy?

At my own court-martial,
you want to make me happy?

Jeannie, if l don't play
that game on Saturday...

...General Peterson's gonna think
l'm the poorest sport of the year.

And if l do play, he's gonna k*ll me.

Do not worry, master.
l will see that you play well.

Now, Jeannie, that's just the point.

l can't let you do something like that.

l don't know how it was
in Baghdad in the old days...

...but we have something here
called sportsmanship.

You simply don't cheat at games.

You finally got me
in a spot l can't get out of.

l'm sorry, master.

Hello. Anybody home?

-Hi, Roge.
-Hi, Tony. Hi, Jeannie.

Hey, listen, do you two wanna laugh?
You won't believe this.

There's a rumour going around
the base that General Peterson...

...picked you for his partner
for the big golf match Saturday.

-ls that wild?
-Oh, yeah.

-lt's also true.
-You're not serious, are you?

No, l'm not serious,
but General Peterson is.

-But you don't play golf.
-l know l don't. That's what l tried...

...to tell General Peterson,
but he wouldn't listen.

lt is my fault.

l:

And he:

-Well, l guess l'll be running along.
-Wait a minute. l'm in trouble, Roger.

l know.
That's why l'm running along.

l don't want to tangle
with General Peterson.

He thinks of golf the way
most people think of mother.

Roger, somebody needs to
help me think of a way out of this.

Well, you could have Jeannie
break General Peterson's arm.

-That's it.
-You want me to break...

-...General Peterson's arm?
-No, no, my arm.

You want me to break your arm?

No, Jeannie. l don't want you
to break anybody's arm.

But what's to stop me
from putting a sling on my arm...

...and telling General Peterson
that l hurt it?

That's brilliant. You can't play golf
with your arm in a sling.

Thanks, Jeannie.

Well, l better go tell General Peterson
that he's just gonna have to...

-...pick another partner for Saturday.
-Well, good luck.

Yeah.

Are you telling me that Major Nelson
has broken his arm?

No, sir. His arm is perfectly fine.

-But he has it in a sling.
-That's right.

l was wondering
how Major Nelson was gonna...

...get out of playing
in that golf match.

Now we know.

Major Nelson is in
Dr. Bellows' office.

-l want him.
-Yes, sir.

-Oh, major?
-Yes?

General Peterson would like to
see you in his office.

-Thank you very much.
-Yes, sir.

There you are.
Listen, have you seen Peterson yet?

-No.
-l just got the flash.

They're ready to pick the astronauts
for the Apollo test flight.

What?

Yeah, and l think they'd like
someone with two arms.

You'll be able to spot
all the classic symptoms...

...of the faker immediately, general.

When he comes in that door,
notice his expression.

lt'll be listless.

And the way he moves...

...as though he's racked with pain.

General Peterson,
you want to see me, sir?

You should have seen the expression
on Dr. Bellows' face.

How did you explain
the sling, master?

Well, luckily, l didn't tell Dr. Bellows
l had had an accident.

He told me l'd had an accident.

l am pleased that everything
turned out so well, master.

Oh, yeah,
everything's just great...

...except for one tiny detail.

-What is that?
-l'm in the same trouble l was...

...when l walked out of this house
this morning.

General Peterson still expects me
to play in that game on Saturday.

Hi, Tony. Hi, Jeannie.

Well, Merry Christmas from
your friendly golf instructor, Roger.

-What's all this?
-This is a solution to your problems.

l'm going to teach you
how to play golf.

You see, master,
your problem is solved.

You really think
you can do it, Roge?

Well, at least when you
get out there Saturday...

...you won't make a complete
fool out of yourself.

Well, Roger, l certainly
appreciate this.

Well, let's see
how you can putt, huh?

Look, just follow
my instructions...

-...and you won't have any problems.
-All right.

Just hold a club like this,
nice and relaxed.

-All right.
-Okay.

-Now, bend over.
-Bend over.

-Head over the ball.
-Head over the ball.

-Feet apart.
-Feet apart.

-Knees together.
-Knees together.

-Now, just relax the wrist.
-Relax the wrist.

Right there.
Now, just a short backswing.

Short backswing.

-Follow through, and hit the ball.
-Right.

Would you like me to move
the cup to the ball?

-No. Thank you, Jeannie.
-Well, you only missed it by a room.

Naturally, it'll take me
a little time to get the hang of it.

-Yeah, naturally. Naturally.
-How long do you think it'll take...

-...before l'm ready for the match?
-lf you practice hard every day?

-Yeah, if l practice hard every day.
-About .

Golf clubs, golf shoes.
Got my golf tees.

-Golf balls. Golf balls!
-Here they are, master.

Thank you, Jeannie.

-What are you all dressed up for?
-l'm going to the tournament with you.

Fine. Fine.

-You do not mind?
-No, of course not.

Why should l mind?
You could always--

You could always caddy for me.

l would be happy to,
whatever that is.

Well, it's very simple. You take a tee
like this, you see, and you--

l'm sorry, would you mind getting
that for me, please?

Certainly, master.

l'm sorry about this...

...but you'll have to stay in there
until the game's over.

But you need me, master.

Yeah. Yeah, l know l do...

...but the force of genies
aren't allowed.

l think your partner's got cold feet
and isn't gonna show up.

He'll be along.

He doesn't know
what sharks you two are.

Well, we'll try and give him
a good game, general.

-Sorry l'm late, sir.
-This is Major Nelson.

Admiral Tugwell.

-Nice knowing you, major.
-Pleasure.

-Commander Davis.
-How do you do?

What do you--?
What's your game?

-What do you sh**t?
-Well, quail mostly.

He's too smart
to give anything away.

You'll see when you
put your money up.

Pete, would you like to
double last year's stakes?

Well, l don't know.

You know, Major Nelson's
not much of a player. He's....

Well, he's kind of
a last-minute replacement...

...but, still...

...l'll double the stakes.

-Done.
-Done?

Sir, could l speak to you
a moment? Privately.

Major, no secret strategy meetings,
please.

-l'll talk to you later.
-Yeah, l'm sure you will.

Well, come on,
let's get some practice.

-Hey, nice drive.
-Good one, commander.

Very good, sir.

You think you can follow that,
general?

Yeah.

Good luck, sir.

Oh, thank you, major.

Very good, sir. Very good.

You didn't come out here
for nothing, did you?

Well, anchors aweigh.

-Nice sh*t, Roy.
-Yeah, very nice.

-Oh, me.
-All right, major.

-Tricky little devils, aren't they?
-Yes.

You're not going to use an iron,
are you, major?

-What, sir?
-Here, use my driver.

Thank you.

-l can't even see it.
-The ball is still on the tee.

Sir, l'd like to explain.

You don't have to explain.
That was brilliant.

-Brilliant?
-Why didn't l think of that?

You just keep on pretending
that you're a dub.

Then at the last minute,
you'll come through...

...and we'll wallop them.

Yes.

Don't overdo it.
These guys are pretty smart.

They know that no one
could be that bad.

We'll concede that, major. We do want
to finish the holes before dark.

That's all right, major.
You're only strokes behind.

Don't you think you
ought to start now, Tony?

l have started, sir.
What you're seeing is my game.

All right.
But don't keep it up too long.

Roger, what are you
doing here?

Well, l thought l'd stop by
and see how my pupil's doing.

My score is .

-You're kidding.
-On the third hole.

Holy-- Are you keeping your eye
on the ball?

l'm keeping my eye on a jet
that'll take me to Brazil.

Roger, l'm getting slaughtered.

l don't mind so much for myself.

But if we lose,
it's gonna k*ll General Peterson.

Yeah, and if it kills General Peterson,
it's going to k*ll you.

-Why isn't Jeannie helping?
-Well, you know how she is.

Yeah, she's great.
She's here, isn't she?

Roge, l don't want to hold up
the game.

Wait a minute.
Why don't you have her help you?

Because l don't think General
Peterson would want to win that way.

Jeannie!

Jeannie!

Thank you, Major Healey.

Jeannie, your master's in trouble.
You gotta--

Boy, that's one golf match
l would have loved to have seen.

Would you like to pick it up
and take the penalty?

No, no, no. lt's fine.

General, nothing short of a miracle
is gonna make you win this match.

You never know when a miracle
is gonna happen, do you?

Any time, major.

Yes. Sorry, sir.

l didn't even see you
hit the ball, major...

...but it was a beautiful drive.

l'm afraid that's your ball, major.

Tough luck.

Snead used a slice
on a lie like this.

Slice. Yes, a slice.

You're going to use a putter?

Yes, l always use a putter
on a lie like this.

Pardon me, gentlemen.

Fantastic.

Yes. Yes, you might say that, sir.

Wow! What do you think of that?

Another -footer.

l've been playing golf
for nearly years...

...and l've never
seen anything like it.

You know what your score
is like, major?

No, sir.

Well, you've got four eagles,
four double eagles...

...seven holes in one.

Your total score is .

That's good, huh?

Well, Sam Snead won
a tournament with a .

You were five under him.

Major, it certainly
has been a privilege...

-...to play golf with you.
-Yes, sir.

l'll mail you a check, Pete.

No, no, sir.
l couldn't allow you to do that.

Why, he's right.
The kind of golf we were privileged...

...to be a part of today...

...shouldn't be tainted
with commercialism.

Well, thank you, general.

You broke every record
in the book.

Yes, sir, l know,
and a few that weren't in the book.

Shall we go?

They said it was the greatest
golf game they've ever seen.

Fifty-four. l should say so.
l knew l was a good golf teacher...

-...but that's ridiculous.
-lf you like, l can cut that score in half.

No, thanks, Jeannie.
Frankly, l don't care if l ever...

...see another golf club again.
Thanks.

-Hi. Dr. Bellows.
-Skedaddle.

Major Healey.

Major Nelson.

l just dropped by to congratulate you
on your victory.

Thank you, sir.

l'm sorry l wasn't
able to watch the game.

Yeah, so was l.

-But however, l'll watch the next one.
-Next one?

l don't think that Tony's going to be
playing golf anymore, sir.

Oh, yes, he is.

General Peterson has just entered you
in the National Open.

And l'll be there
to watch your every move.

Well, gentlemen,
if you'll just excuse me.

Yeah....