03x04 - The Camping Show

[bunniefuu]

Another great meal, Peg.

You know, honey,
you're incredible.

You ignore the children,
you neglect the house,

and still you find time

to let the dinner get cold
before you serve it.

How do you do it?

Well, Al, I guess
I care enough about me

not to care about you.

[LAUGHS]

You know,
it's times like these

I'd like
to take you upstairs

and plug that hole
in the roof.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Now, listen, Peg,
my week off starts tonight,

so if there's any place
you ever wanted to go,

get the kids, pack up,
and, uh, see you in a week.

Not this year, Al.

Every time
I leave you alone,

you just mess
this house up.

This year, you're going
to do all those things

that you promised to do
when you have the time.

Let's see...

"consummate marriage."

[SIGHS]

Nah, that's more of
a do-it-yourself job.

Here we go.

Here's the stuff
you can do:

"Paint the house,
plant the lawn,

"caulk the windows,

"do the laundry...

fix the toilet,
clean the gutters,"

and if you have time,

"talk to the children."

Both Bud and Nancy?

It's Kelly, Al.

Whatever.

Listen, Peg,
I don't wanna do anything.

It's my week off.

But, honey, If you don't
do these chores, who will?

How about Sid and Nancy?

It's Bud and Kelly.

Yes, them.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Get that, Peg?

"Answer door."

Ahhh...

Good night, honey.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ah, Steve, gee.
Must be my lucky day.

Why, did they raise
the minimum wage?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, listen, Al.

Remember last week,

we were talking about going
fishing on your week off?

Well, I rented us a cabin

on a lake so loaded with fish,
they jump on your hook.

It's just the way
wilderness should be.

There are "no trespassing"
signs everywhere.

There's a -Eleven
minutes away.

What do you think?
What do I think?

[HUMMING "DUELING BANJOS"]

[HUMMING "DUELING BANJOS"]

[HUMMING]

[HUMMING]

[HUMMING TOGETHER]

Shh! Wake up Peg,

if she hears me
having a good time,

she'll want some too.

How long do we have
the cabin for?

Five whole days.

Five days? Oh, man!

Now, listen, Al,
this cabin cost me $ .

Hey, don't apologize
to me, Steve.

If I'm going for free,
I've no right to complain.

"Dear Peg...

"By the time you read this,

"there will be nothing
you can do about it.

"I was called away
on an emergency fishing trip.

"I'll be away a week.

"I wouldn't blame you if
you took the kids and left me,

"but if you do,
take the dog too.

"I guess this is goodbye.

Love, Al."

"Al."

Cock-a-doodle-doo.

Shh!

Hi, Steve, Marcy.

Steve, aren't you afraid
she'll find out about the trip?

What kind of a guy
do you think I am?

Like I'd really go away
for a week without my wife.

Where's Peggy?

Come on, Peg!

Time to go!

PEGGY: Marcy,
i-is that you?

Yeah! Come on, wake the kids,
we're going fishing!

Shh! Not so loud.
You'll wake up Al.

[GASPS]

Oh, I love it.
It's so rustic.

[SNIFFS DEEPLY]

And the air smells great.

Yeah, well,
get it while you can.

Once Al settles in,
the shoes come off.

Oh.

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

[GRUNTING]

Okay, Peg,
this hair dryer is yours,

and these cases
of bottled water,

Marcy, are yours...

[THUDDING]

And I believe
this hernia is mine.

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

It's a beautiful
cabin, Steve.

Great job, Mr. Rhoades.

[PEGGY CHUCKLES]

Isn't he cute?

Even squid
love their young.

What a dump.

[CLATTER]

Kelly, honey, let me explain
something about fishing rods.

When you throw them down,
you break them.

Then Daddy can't fish.

If Daddy can't fish,
he's stuck with Mommy.

If Daddy's stuck with Mommy,
nobody leaves here alive.

I didn't ask to come,
and I didn't ask to be born.

Peg?

Well, it's her time
of the month, Al.

What the hell did we
bring her for, then?

Squeaked through
another month, eh, Kel?

Your mother.

Your father.

Now, kids, let's leave
the insults at home, huh?

Now, look, Kelly,

I came up here
for a good time.

Now, I understand why
you have to do this.

I just don't understand
why it has to be now.

Go...away.

"Go away, Daddy."

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where's my room?

This is it.

You mean
there's no bedroom?

Of course not. It's a cabin.

It's an outhouse.

Hey, this place
cost me and Steve

a small fortune,

and you're gonna like it.

Oh, come on, everybody,
let's have fun.

I know. Let's go shopping.

We passed a nice little
rustic store on the way up here,

where the men were chopping wood
with their shirts off.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, you know what they say.

You can never
have enough lumber.

I know what we can do.

Let's go on
a nature hunt.

We can collect leaves
and arrowheads

and take pictures
of the wildlife.

Yeah, then we'll
all get naked

and sing
"This Land Is Your Land."

I don't know about you,
Steve. I'm going fishing.

I'm with you, buddy.

Just us men, eh,
Mr. Rhoades?

Yeah, you said it.

[CHUCKLES]

[THUD]

Hey, girls!

What do you say to this?

Oh, no.

What is it, Al?

Periods, Steve.

Three of 'em.

All three at once.

What did they do,
give it to each other?

Actually,
it's an interesting phenomenon

that happens quite often.

I read they did a study
of a girls' college dormitory,

and most of the women wound up
menstruating at the same time.

What should we do now?

Eat!

Hey, Peg, you know the deal,
we catch 'em, you clean 'em!

Ahhh...

[CHUCKLING SOFTLY]

[SMOOCH]

[CHUCKLES]

It's clean.

[CHUCKLES]

You see why I never
go anywhere with her?

Now, Al,
let's not panic.

What women need
at a time like this

is compassion, love,
and understanding.

Partners through life...

partners through strife.

Marcy...let's talk.

Fine.

Let's talk about months ago

when I wanted to see that movie
and you were too tired,

and about the time
you wore that gray sweater.

I hate that sweater.

I hate you, Steve.

Everything about you.

Every breath you take,

every move you make.

You, sir, stink!

[SOBBING]
I feel so bloated and so ugly.

See how mean
he is to me, Peg?

[SQUEAKING]
Well, Marcy's okay.

Bud, go over

and say something
nice to your sister.

Dad, I don't even like her.

Who does? Just go.

Hey, Kel.

Hm, you're carrying
that extra chin very nicely.

[THWACK]
BUD: Ooh!

[HIGH-PITCHED]
You're next, Dad.

Not me, son. I did what
Custer should have:

used scouts.

You know why they're doing this
to us, don't you, Steve?

It's because we were
gonna have fun.

That's why they invented
this period thing.

Back before men,
women didn't have periods.

Gee, it would have been nice
to live then.

You know who was a good woman?

Veronica. You know,
from Archie'scomics?

Veronica never had a period.

That's true,

but she still had
an attitude problem.

You're right,
there are no good ones.

It's cold in here!

It's hot in here.

It's hot and cold in here.

We're in some major-league
trouble here, men.

The kid's right, Al,
I'm scared.

Be thankful
yours just kills,

it's quick, it's clean.

Mine, like
the black widow,

wants to mate
before she kills.

I'm a dead man.

Let's go to bed.
Let them suffer.

We'll wake up refreshed,

go fishing,

let them
k*ll each other.

[LAUGHING]

Oh...

God. I feel foul.

Oh, I'm so bloated,
even my teeth are swollen.

If I retain
any more water in my body,

they could build a pier
across my butt.

Oh, I need a back rub.

I need
a foot rub.

I need someone
to yell at.

Where are the men?

I bet they
went fishing.

Isn't that
just like men?

When we need them most,
they're never around.

Men are the lowest.

Let's pretend Bud's a man
and k*ll him.

[WHISPERS]
Men, we're surrounded.

Men?

Well, what happened?

We were walking
through the woods

quiet as you please,

when all of a sudden,
the ground started shaking

and something came
crashing through a bush.

I thought it was you, Peg,

but it didn't
want my wallet.

It was a bear.

A big one,
with my name on it.

There he is!

That's a moose.

The bear's over there
spraying your tires.

Those are my Mercedes!

Stop that!

Bad! Bad bear!

What do they want?
We have no food.

They don't want
us, Bud.

Let me talk
to your father alone.

See, Al, wild animals
can sense when women are, uh...

k*lling their husbands?

No, Al, when they're...cycling.

Don't you understand?
They want our women.

Well, then, our women
they shall have.

Oh, Peg!

We've gotta get outta here.

We can't get out of here.
We're trapped.

Well, somebody has
to go for help.

Oh, and chocolate.

Gee, I--

I'd love to, honey,
but I can't.

There's a moose
filling my gas t*nk.

I'd hate to interrupt
him right now.

Look at them.
Our protectors.

The great white hunters.

You know, in the old days,

those men would have
gone out there, fought the bear,

come back with supper
and a nice rug.

Now you send them for milk,

they come back
with a leaking carton,

a runny nose and a bad back.

You know, it's amazing.

The one thing they're good for
they're not good at.

I hate the way
they won't ask directions

when they're lost.

And the way they leave
the toilet seat up.

And the way they ask you
to chip in for the motel room.

So I've heard.

Well, the cast of Bambi
is out there now.

And in here, we have
some of the seven dwarfs...

Puffy, Crabby and Horny.

So I'd say it's safe to say
that this day's sh*t.

What say we all turn in?

[GROANING]

Al, it is :
in the morning.

Well, Peg,
we're out in the woods now.

You get up early,
you go to bed early. Good night.

Mwah, mwah.

More hot water
for breakfast, anyone?

[GROANS]

Oh, what's today?

It's Thursday.

Did I miss anything?

Yeah. Wednesday.

Well, I guess
I'll turn in, then.

Daddy, we're starving to death.

And some of us are aging badly.

Zip it, pimple farm.

Daddy, do something.

I'm going to, pumpkin.

I'm gonna take a nap
in a few minutes.

Oh, Steve!
How's the car?

Well, I can, uh, still just
about tell it's a Mercedes.

Of course,
the tires are flat,

but that's probably because
of the porcupine quills.

And that cougar who went
in through the sunroof

only looks
like he's driving,

because I've got the keys.

So I guess
the laugh's on him.

[CHUCKLES]

$ , ...

Al...

you...are an idiot.

I was home,

I was comfortable,
I was safe.

I truly,
truly hate you.

Come on, honey, let's do it.

Let's go into the bathroom.

Come on. No one has to know...

not even you.

Steve, give me the keys
to your car.

I'm gonna go for help.

There are animals
all over the car, Al.

Maybe I can reason with them.

Now, someone has
to take charge here,

and it's gonna be me.

Now, I need a w*apon.

What do we have?

Dad.

Explain to me again

why you need the suit
of many hooks.

Like the wily porcupine,

I now have my armor of quills.

But unlike the wily porcupine,

won't the animals stick to you?

That's what the mighty
horns are for, son.

If anything gets close,

I lower my head

and proceed
in an aggressive manner.

That should end it
right there.

And I have
my secret w*apon.

If anything goes wrong,

I zap them in the face
with bug spray.

Why not just use
your socks on a stick?

Or would that
be too cruel?

God, you're sexy.

[HISSES]

Lock the door
behind me, son.

[DOOR OPENS]

[WOLF HOWLS]

Oh, son, you're the man
of the family now.

If for some reason
I don't come back,

the shoe store opens at .

[SPRAY CAN
HISSING]

He'll never make it,
you know.

Well, it won't be
the first time.

Well, he's-- He's made it
through the mosquitoes.

He's hurdling a beaver.

Go, Al, go!

Oops.

A wolf.
[SNARLING]

I can't watch,
I have to clean.

Oh, no, you really
should see this, Marce.

[SNARLS]

The wolf is closing in.
[SNARLS]

Al ducks behind a tree.

He is now stuck to the tree
by his mighty quills.

Whoa-ho!

Look at him shake!

Oh. He's in trouble.

He is now lowering his head
in an aggressive manner.

[BELLOWING]

So is the moose.

Oh, no!

A trap door!

Food! I found food!

[AL SCREAMS]

I'll have
any of that.

Oh, my God,
it's chocolate!

We're saved!
AL: Help me!

Give me some!

No, no!
AL:
Help me! Help!

[OTHERS CLAMORING]
[BANGING ON DOOR]

[CLAMORING CONTINUES]

[GROWLS]

Thanks for inviting us,
Steve.

What's next, buddy,
lion-country safari?

About days from now?

I feel
so much better.

Oh, me too.

Guess what, guys.

We saw two wrens
make a nest.

Did you happen to find the rest
of my ear out there too?

You're not gonna bring me down,
Mr. Cloudy Day.

He is such a big baby
when he gets hurt.

Well, we better
start packing.

You've got to go
to work tomorrow.

Aw.

You know, if he was
gonna be such a grouch,

why'd he even come?

I don't get it.

I mean, why are they
so miserable?

We're the ones
who have the periods.