03x08 - The Gypsy Cried

[bunniefuu]

Steve and Marcie throw
a nice party, don't they?

Well, it would have been nicer
if we were actually invited.

You know, Peg,

I didn't like
those people very much,

a bunch
of boring bankers.

They just kept
staring at me.

Well, you did overflow
the toilet

and not tell anyone.

Well, I don't tell anyone
when I do it here,

but you gotta give me credit.

I did try to liven things up.

Well, you know, I don't think
a bankers' party

is the right place to stand
on the buffet and yell,

"Hey, let's wet down
the wives' T-shirts

and rate their hooters!"

You'd have won.

Oh, Al.

Eh, but for once,
I gotta agree with Steve.

This is the last party

I'm ever going to
at their house.

At least we get to
take home the leftovers.

Excuse me, Al,
but the party just started.

I'll need the food back.

Oh, sure, Marce.

[SNEEZES]

Oh, well...

that's okay.

I suppose you need it
more than I do.

[SNEEZES]

I'll just find
some gingersnaps.

Well, Dad,

we got the gas
like you told us to.

Don't worry.

I don't think
anyone at the party saw us.

They were too busy
watching Buck mount

Mrs. Vandergelder's
fur coat.

Can you believe
that all this

came from
one Rolls-Royce?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Rhoades.

Guess what.

One of your guests' cars
sprung a leak,

and young Bud and I

thought that it was
a fire hazard.

So luckily,

we happened along
with these gas cans

and once again
saved the day.

Damn vandals.

I think they keyed
the cars too.

Mom, why can Buck have
the coat upstairs,

and I can't have
boys in my room?

Because that coat
can't get pregnant.

Obviously,
neither can Kelly.

That was my boss's Rolls.

Give me that gas,
you little pirates!

Peggy, please,

talk to them!

Kids, you know the speech.

You did a bad thing.

Don't do it anymore.

Okay? Fine.

Kel, this is it,

the last time
I'm working for Dad.

From now on, I go solo.

Much like
at Lovers' Lane?

You know, our kids
are growing up so fast.

It seems like only yesterday
they were only stealing from us.

Al, your dog went on my carpet.

Well, in a manner
of speaking,

so did Al.

Well, you know,

since we're all
throwing stones here,

we were really hurt
not to be invited.

It was just
an oversight.

No hard feelings,
I hope.

Let's go, Marcie.

I want to get my fortune read
by the psychic we hired.

I hope
I'm not intruding.

She is incredible.

Did you sense
our presence here?

No, I sensed you were
leaving the party

without paying me.

Oh, no, Madame Olga,
of course not,

but as long as you're here,

I haven't had a chance
to get my fortune read.

Steve, please,

I really think
we should do this

back at our house.

No.

Please...

Sit down.

I feel
very strong vibrations here.

Did you leave
your toy running

under the couch again?

No.

It's in the shop.

It's being
turbo-charged.

Ah, I see a death.

Oh, no.

But it will bring you
your life's wish.

All right!

Honey, you have to do this.

Uh, no, I don't, Steve.

With all due respect,

I don't really believe
in superstition.

It's a refuge for small minds.

I'll go! I'll go!

Do you a sense
a death for me

that will bring me
my life's wish?

Let me see.

Ah!

An unexpected windfall
will come your way.

No death?

Leave me.

Alrighty.

Go next, Al.

This is fun.

Feet.

Is that
in the cards?

No, I smell your feet.

Well, I smell cheap Scotch
on your breath. Just...

read me my fortune.

What else
do you sense?

Unfortunately,

I see good fortune
for you,

something linked
to the color green.

Huh?

What do I have that's green?

Your teeth?

Can't I have a death
like Steve?

No, that's all I see.

Come on, Marcie.

Your turn.

No. I really shouldn't.

Oh, go on, Marcie.
It's fun.

Good things are
happening for everyone.

Okay.

But I don't know
what good it will do.

I've already met
my tall, dark stranger.

What do you
see for me?

I see nothing,
Mrs. Rhoades.

Hey, who's the guy
on the card

with the noose?

No one, really.

Could you pay me now?

What? What is it?

I have to know.

It's good, isn't it?

Everyone else's is good.

Well, you could
interpret it as good.

Misfortune, betrayal,
disaster, tragedy,

but those words
could mean anything.

Oh.

Well, like I said,

I don't really believe
in this stuff.

Thanks, Steve.

This is fun.

I'm going to die.

But you three
will have good luck.

You know, it's funny.

I wanted to hire a caricaturist,

but Steve thought
that might upset people.

You were so right.

This is much better.

Let's party.

Oh, honey, come on.

She's a con artist, a fake,
a charlatan.

So good things are going to
happen for me, right?

Yeah, yeah.
All right.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Marce.

Hi, Peggy.

Look,
I'm still alive.

I told you
that fortune teller didn't know

what she was talking about.

I've already forgotten
what she said to me.

You know, "misfortune,
betrayal, disaster, tragedy."

Anything good happen to you?

Hey!

Thank God.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

See, you can't take
these fortune tellers seriously.

They just make up stuff.

Mrs. Bundy?
Yes.

I found your husband's wallet
in the parking lot at the mall.

Oh, it's all there, ma'am,
I didn't take anything.

Oh, you know,
he will be so happy to hear

that there are
still some honest people

left in the world.

Thank you.

Excuse me,

but I came all the way
over here on my own time.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Ah!

Can you believe it, Marcie?

A windfall,
just like the gypsy said.

I'm so happy for you.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Marcie.

Nothing bad ever happens to you.

You're the luckiest person
I know.

Uh, Peggy, do you have a cat?

No. Why?

Oh, just wondering.

Peg!

Guess what happened?

You remember that fortune teller
said green?

Well, I saw this horse,
Gangrene,

running in the third race today.

He went off at to ,
and I won $ .

That fortune teller really knew
what she was talking about.

I'm going to die.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, Marcie,
I'm sure she was wrong.

Steve was the only one
she went into detail with,

and nobody has d*ed yet.

Guess who
just kicked the bucket.

Only the man with the best
parking space at the bank.

Meet the new man with the best
parking space at the bank.

He always said I'd get
that space over his dead body.

[CACKLES]

See you at the funeral, Simpson!

Boy, that gypsy
sure knew

what she was
talking about.

She sure did.

I won $ on a horse.

Yeah, and I--

I got...

I got the best guy
in the whole world.

So we're all winners!

Why is everyone looking at me?

Because you're up next.

Smooth, Al.

Don't you think she knows
disaster is gonna happen to her?

Yeah, maybe it's not even safe
to have her in our house.

Oh, no.

I'm not taking her
to my house.

I don't even want her
around my parking space.

[MEN LAUGH]

Well, aren't we
the merry widower?

Oh, buck up,
cupcake.

Daddy has a piece
of good news

he's been saving

until you were
at your lowest.

Well, just how low would you
like me to get, Steve?

Shaking, vomiting.

Perhaps if an eye dropped out.

Give me the news!

Your boss,
Mr. Vandergelder, called,

and of all the employees
at your bank,

he wants you to accompany him

when he makes his keynote speech

at the Women in Banking
Convention.

Really? Me?

I'm so honored.

Ha!

I spit
in Madame Olga's eye.

[SPITS]

Stupid gypsy.

I'm glad I stopped payment
on her check.

Let her rot in hell,

because I'm going to the top.

Where and when, Steve?

Tomorrow night, : ,
New York City.

I love New York City.

If I can make it there,
I can make it anywhere.

How am I going to make it there,
Steve?

On a plane,
you're flying.

So that's how
you're gonna die.

I'm not going to New York,
Steve.

Well, honey,

it's good
for your career.

No, Steve,

spiraling down to earth
in a fiery hell

is not really good
for my career.

I know what's going to happen.

The plane will crash
in the ocean.

Then we'll all scamper
for lifeboats.

I'm little.

The big girls
will push me aside,

like they did in school
during fire drills.

I remember those drills.

Orderly exit, my ass!

They trampled me

like peanut shells
on the floor of a cheap bar!

Uh, Marcie,

you can't refuse
your boss.

I hate my boss.

Mr. Vanderdoody...

of the Daughters of the American
Revolution Vanderdoodys.

Oh, to hell with my career.

Steve, let me talk
some sense into her.

Marcie, you're worried
over nothing.

There's no ocean
between here and New York.

Worse thing
that could happen,

you'd hit a mountain
and disintegrate.

Oh, honey, all that wisdom,

and yet we live
amongst the common people.

Marcie,

you're acting
like a baby.

Millions of people
fly every day.

Be strong...

and buy insurance.

Insurance?

Yes. As a matter of fact,

I'll take insurance with me.

Uh, won't it burn in the wreck,
sweetie?

I don't mean that kind
of insurance, vulture.

I'm taking you with me.

All of you.

You're having
good luck.

Nothing can happen
to you,

so we'll all fly
to New York together.

We'll pay.

Oh, Al!

We're going to New York.

Free!

Well, I guess

if it'll make you
feel safer,

we can afford
four coach tickets.

Excuse me, here,
Steve.

Bundys don't fly coach.

No, we fly first class,
or we don't fly.

Done.

First class!

I thought
I'd have to wait

for my second husband
to fly first class.

[SIGHS]

Miss Rhoades.

Yes, Mr. Vandergelder.

Once we're in the air,
I'll want coffee.

They have flight attendants
for that.

I like it
when you get me coffee...

Yes, Mr. Vandergelder.

And, Miss Rhoades,

I just finished reading
my speech that you wrote.

I don't like it.

Would you please redo it

and make more references to me

and to my tremendous commitment
to the women's movement.

Yes, Mr. Vandergelder.

God, I hate him.

I'd like to punch him

right in the middle
of his fat face.

Miss Rhoades.

Yes, sir?

Once we're in New York,

would you pick up a little gift
for my wife?

Yes, perhaps a picture

of you and your...
old army buddy.

How you doing
over there, Fluffy?

How am I doing what?

* Start spreading
The news **

Now, what do you
think, Peg?

Could we live
in that VIP lounge

or what?

Well, probably not.

They threw us out

after you overflowed
the toilet.

Aw, Peg,
you gotta see this.

Look at those poor slobs
back in coach,

sitting like cattle.

Moo!

Oh...

Al, that's not nice.

Boy, the seats are big
up here in first class!

Hey, Marce.

Hey, check out
the old guy

sitting next
to his granddaughter

over there.

[INAUDIBLE]

Aw, Peg, come on.

She's probably just

his personal
flotation device.

Ah...mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Excuse me, sir.

Please buckle
your seat belt.

Excuse me.

Is the pilot
any good?

Oh, he's fantastic.

His hands are gentle
but, oh, so rough.

I meant,
can he fly the plane?

How would I know?

CAPTAIN:
Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

This is your captain,
John Canyon.

That's it?

No "Have a pleasant flight?"

No "We won't crash?"

No "Marcie Rhoades
is not going to die"?

Marce, you're
a little loud over there.

Now, listen,
you're flying first class.

Let's act like
you've done this

a couple of times
before.

Hey, waitress!

Sir, we have

some complimentary
in-flight slippers.

If you'd care to take
off your shoes and relax.

[LAUGHING]

Mmm.

Hey, stewardess.

Another round
for everybody.

I mean, it's free
up here, isn't it?

Mmm.

Ah. Feeling better,
honey?

Fine, fine.

Not dead or anything.

I told you
that gypsy fortune teller

was just a bunch
of hooey.

This is your captain speaking.

We're starting
our initial descent over--

Whoa! Frank,
turn off the intercom.

We're going down.

What are we going to do?

You know I stink at landings.

You took the test for me.

Give me some gin
and turn the intercom back on.

I'll just lie
to the passengers.

We're encountering
a little mild turbulence.

So for your safety,

fasten seat belts, extinguish
all cigarettes and--

Ah, what the hell,
light up.

Peggy, this is it!

We're going down!

* Hey, hey, Paula
I wanna marry you *

* Hey, hey, Paul
I wanna marry you too *

Steve,

I just want you
to know

I love you.

And if only one of us
has to go,

I hope it's me.

Don't you feel
the same way?

If that's what you want,
I hope it's you too.

Miss Rhoades...

this speech
is still unacceptable.

Do it over before we land.

Can you believe
this guy?

Miss Rhoades,
get me a pillow.

I'm going to die
in a blazing furnace,

and he wants a pillow.

You fat pig!

I work my fingers
to the bone for you.

I'm a bank manager,
damn it,

not your handmaiden,

but do you
appreciate me?

No!

It's always,
"Get me coffee.

"Write my speech.

"Here comes my wife.

Pretend Fluffy's
with you."

Well, I'm sick of it,

and I'm sick of you,
Vanderdoody!

I've done a lot
of low things for you,

but when I meet
my maker

in a few minutes,

and he asks if I've
done anything good,

I'll say,
"Yes. I did this."

Ooh!

I'm ready to die.

CAPTAIN:
Well, we seemed to pull out
of that one.

I'm happy to say

we're on our final approach
to JFK,

and we'll be landing
in minutes.

I hope you enjoyed your trip.

We're gonna live!

We can't!

You said
we were gonna crash!

Now you say
we're not!

What kind
of a pilot are you?

Steve, I'm never flying
this airline again.

[GROANS]

Oh, Steve...

what have I done?

I'm ruined.

This is what
the gypsy meant:

disaster,
the end of my career.

When he regains
consciousness,

I know his first words
will be,

"You're fired."

I wouldn't worry
about it.

Play your cards right,

you might even get
a promotion.

I split his lip
like a bunny, Steve.

Yes,

but you know something
about Mr. Vandergelder

that Mrs. Vandergelder
doesn't.

What's that?

The Fluffster.

* I got you
To hold my hand *

* I got you
To understand *

*I got you
Na, na, na, na, na *

* I got you
Na, na, na, na, na *

[BOTH HUMMING OFF-KEY]

BOTH:
* I got you, babe *

* Babe *

* I got you, babe **