03x10 - I'll See You in Court

[bunniefuu]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Now, we'll be gone a week.

Did you turn
off the phone?

Yeah.

The heat, electricity,
the water?

All shut off.

Al,

honey, do you think

we should have told
the kids we were going?

They'll be fine,

but if you're worried
about them,

you can stay here
with them.

Of course, it won't be the same
without ya--

I might have some fun.

No way, Al.

I'm going too.

After all,
if it wasn't for me,

we couldn't even afford
this little trip.

It was my uncle that
d*ed and left us money.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That's the mail.
That's our inheritance check!

[CHUCKLES GLEEFULLY]

Here, give me that.

Bill,

bill,

bill.

Here it is!

All right,
get the suitcases.

We'll open it
and cash it on the way.

Let's go.

So long, suckers!

Pretty low, Dad.

What tipped you off?

Well, we knew
something was up

when you
packed us a lunch.

Peg!

Well...

Since you're all here,
and I have no choice,

you may as well
hear the bad news.

Uncle Henry d*ed.

Yay!
Yes, yes!

Fork it over, Dad.

We deserve that money
just as much as you two do.

If not more.

Let's not forget,

when Uncle Henry
was losing his mind,

I was the one who
pretended to be his mother,

and I was the one
who told him

to leave something
to those nice Bundys.

How much do you think
it is, Mom?

Well,
it's got to be a lot.

You know
what a miser he was.

He was so cheap
he'd buy day-old bread,

and why did he
do that, kids?

KIDS:
It didn't matter because
he toasted it anyway.

Hey, you remember
that little song

we used to sing
about Uncle Henry?

[SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "DAY-O"]

* Day-old *

* Day-old bread *

* Uncle Henry
Buys a-day-old bread *

* Hey, Mr. Baker-man
None of that fresh stuff *

* Uncle Henry
Buys a-day-old bread *

Hey, hey, hey! Enough, now!

Enough of that!

It's opening time.

[LAUGHS]

All right. Now...

Working backwards...

I see...

a seven.

Yes.

I see a three.

Come on,
come on.

I see a two.

What do you
see now, Dad?

I see a check for $ .

I buffed this man's
carbuncles for $ ?

How do you think I feel?
I was his mother.

All right,
$ split four ways

comes to...

to, um...

Bud?

$ . each.

Exactly,

and that won't even
buy a fake ID.

So, um, the only plan
that makes sense

is to give it
to Bud and me.

That way,
we can split the money,

and get
front-row tickets

to the Tears and Vomit
concert tomorrow night.

Hey, where's the fun
in this death for me?

He was my relative,

and I just know
he would have wanted me

to have a bikini wax
and a nice perm.

KIDS:
Tears and Vomit.

Bikini wax.

Tears and Vomit.

Bikini wax!

Tears and Vomit!
Bikini wax!

Hey!
Kids, Peg. Come on, now.

Let's not let
our new-found wealth

turn us against each other
like that family on Dynasty.

Come on,
let's be reasonable.

Would you prefer
that Uncle Henry had not d*ed?

No.
No.
No.

Well,
all right then.

We found this money as a family,
we'll spend it as a family.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get that.

Hi. We just had a little
romantic lunch downtown,

and we brought a nice
prime rib bone for Buck.

How nice.

Oh, there's
meat on it!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Now what?

Ow!

What Marcy means is,
"you're welcome."

Well,
since you're imposing,

let me ask you a question.

As you can see, our house
is in great sadness.

We inherited a check

for $ .

We don't know
what to do with it.

Well, let's see--

Charm school,

car muffler,

high hedges...

Your own newspaper
subscription.

Your own
garbage cans.

Bail money
for the children.

Nah.

To hell with the future.

I'm talking about now, Steve.

Well, in that case, you could
pay back the money you owe us.

Hey, a man just d*ed here,

and I'm sure
he gave us this money

not to pay you back,
but for us to have fun.

As a matter of fact--

Kelly, what were his last words?

[MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY]

There you go, Steve.

You can't deny a man
his death wish.

I'm going to have to
ask you to leave.

We're about
to have dinner.

I have a suggestion.

Why don't you take the money
and go out to a nice restaurant?

Get all dressed up,
find someplace elegant,

and get something to eat,
for God's sake.

Ooh,
that's a good idea.

We did that once, Al,
you remember?

It was right after
Kelly was born.

Mom gave us some money
to buy her booster sh*ts,

but she was
crying so much,

we just decided
to go out instead.

You know,
her whooping cough

only lasted
a couple of weeks,

but the memories
of that meal

will last us a lifetime.

Oh, let's do it,
honey.

Let's go
have a nice meal.

You never
take me out anymore.

Well...

Why not?

Hey, kids,
what do you say?

You want to go out for
a nice dinner tomorrow?

We want to see
Tears and Vomit.

Well, you can see that
when your mom cooks.

Come here, kids.

Just have a
seat right here.

Now, kids,

how often do we get to
do things as a family?

You know, besides

getting Grandma Bundy
out of the drunk t*nk?

All right, then.
It's settled.

Now, tomorrow we'll get
in our fancy duds,

we'll gas up
the old w*r-wagon,

and we'll dine
like royalty.

Dog's got our food!

Dog's got
our food!

[SLOW JAZZ PLAYING]

Ooh. Ahh.

God,
this is great.

Yeah, that's it.
Show your lack of breeding.

Now, be quiet
and let me handle everything.

Uh, reservations

for Mr. Warren Beatty
and family.

Uh,
right this way, sir.

Hey, now,
look at that steak.

Now, I want
something like that.

Wow, and look at
that bald guy's chicken.

The rolls
look good, too.

Could you
cut into that

so I can see
how it looks?

How much does it cost
for something like that?

How much does
a steak like that cost?

That corn
looks good--

This way, please.
Your table's waiting for you.

Oh.

Before you
see a menu,

would anyone care
to begin with a cocktail?

Coke.
Coke.

Coke.

Jack and a beer back.

It's, um,
slang that the kids use.

It means Coke.

Isn't this
beautiful, kids?

Good evening.

I'm Paul, and I'll be
your waiter for tonight.

Would you care to hear
about our fresh fish?

Uh, yeah.
Maybe after dinner.

Right now, give us four steaks.

Nuke 'em.

Very good. Potato?

Well, how much is the potato?

Well,
it comes with the meal.

Potatoes
for everybody.

Vegetables?

Oh,
we don't eat vegetables.

Of course.

[BAND PLAYING "MOON RIVER"]

Hey, kids.

You wanted
to see a band,

we wanted a meal,

Voila.

Yeah, Dad.
They're the coolest.

I seem to recognize
"Moon River,"

one of my
personal favorites.

Al,

you want to dance?

You wouldn't mind,
Peg?

Of course not,
I'd love it.

[CHUCKLING]

Would you like
to dance with me?

Dance with me,
you moron.

Look at them, Kel.

Old-a-rama.

You are
a soulless troll.

I think it's romantic

that two dinosaurs
like Mom and Dad

still care enough
about each other to dance.

I mean, look at them.

You can see how much
they really love each other.

Couldn't you even
wear deodorant, you pig?

Gee, you didn't

wear quite enough
hairspray tonight, Peg,

I can still smell
your breath.

Hey, Kel.

Watch me have some fun
with this waiter.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[BOTH CLEAR THROATS]

Uh, excuse me,

young people.

How would you like me
to k*ll you?

That will be all.

* Two drifters *

* Off to see the world *

* There's such
A lot of world *

* To see *

* We're after *

* The same rainbow's end *

* Waiting 'round the bend *

* My huckleberry friend *

* Moon river *

* And *

* Me **

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know,

but at least
she's not a hundred.

Thanks, Al.

Hey, you're my woman.

Chow time! Chow time!

Chow time! Chow time!

Chow time! Chow time!

Chow time! Chow time!

Okay.

Okay, now, everybody.
Dig in,

but watch
your fingers.

Hey, hey, now.
Kids, wait a minute.

We're not at home.

This is a special evening
and a special meal,

and I think
we should say our thanks

by saying grace.

Look at that steak.

I think
I'm getting sexually excited.

I knew you were supposed
to cook a potato.

I knew it, I knew it.

This food could be trouble.

They're all going to like it,

and then they're going to
look at me.

And, Lord,
I'd just like to say,

other people get to
eat like this all the time.

Animals at the zoo
eat better than me,

and more often, I might add.

Don't I rate
as much as a jackal gets?

Thanks for listening.

Your friend, Al.

Amen.

Let's eat!

[SNORTING AND GRUNTING]

[GRUFFLY]
A roll!

Butter!

[BOTH MOANING WITH PLEASURE]

Yeah. Was that eating
or was that eating?

You know,
there's only one way

to top off
a meal like that.

Cigar?
No.

Oh, waiter.
Got a newspaper there?

WAITER:
Right away, sir.

Yep.

AL:
* Moon river *

I feel like
the Queen of England.

Al, honey,

you sure we have
enough money

to pay for this meal?

Yep, that's why I only
ordered myself

a cup of coffee.

Yep, I figured it all out,
it comes to $ . .

That includes tax,
which I know all about

because I'm in
the business world.

Oh, garkarooni.

Check, please.

Yep.

How much is it, Al?

$ . .

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

[LAUGHS WEAKLY]

I forgot my wallet, Peg.

Such a nerd.

Come on now,
kids.

Give your daddy
a chance.

What are you
going to do, idiot?

Well,
let's not panic.

I mean,
if we keep calm,

we can still
get through this thing

with a little bit
of dignity.

You want me
to throw a fit on the floor

like I do
when we can't pay at Denny's?

That was for $ . .

For $ , they let you
swallow your tongue

before they call an ambulance.

Kelly,

take the car keys,

look at what
Mommy married,

and bring back our money.

Oh, oh, and,
Kelly--

I know, I'll be careful.

No, no,
I don't care about that.

Just don't change
my radio station.

Would you like me to take
your check now, sir?

Uh, not quite yet.

No, we'll just let
our meal settle here.

We'll have some
more water, please.

Can't get enough
water, you know.

It's nature's
fruit juice.

How long do you thing
it will take the kids?

Well, it took us
minutes

to get here one way,

and knowing
how Kelly drives,

they should be
here and back

in about
eight minutes.

Well, what are we gonna
do in the meantime?

Just drink water.

Got it, Kel?

Got it.

Confused again, Kel?

Let me help.

Turn the knob,
then open the door.

No, young weenie.

You know what just dawned on me?

Two plus two equals four?

Hey, when I'm not in school,

I don't want to think about it,
okay?

No, I was just thinking.

You know, Mom and Dad
already got

a great meal out of this money.

I mean, they not going
to enjoy it any more

by paying for it.

Now we can enjoy it too.

It's not too late
for Tears and Vomit.

Wait a minute.
What about Mom and Dad?

Come on, Bud.

Who's better at b*ating a check
than Mom and Dad?

God, I mean,
you were before you knew

that a movie theater
had a front door.

Come on,
don't worry about them.

Let's go.

You realize if we do this,

we might not be able
to come home tonight.

Won't be a first for me.

[PLAYING "MOON RIVER"
ON GLASSES]

* Moon river *

* Wider than a mile *

* I'm crossing you in style-- *

Peg, Peg, it's been
two and a half hours.

It's safe to say

the kids have
left us here to die.

I can't believe the kids
would do this to us.

Yeah, like we wouldn't
do it to them.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Would you like
to pay the check now?

I'm letting
my water settle.

Go away.
Go away.

[PLAYING TANGO MUSIC]

I got an idea.

You'll pardon me
if I doubt you.

And you'll pardon me
if I k*ll you.

Come on, just
follow my lead.

He overflowed
the toilet.

What are we
going to do, Al?

"What are we
going to do, Al?"

"What are we
going to do, Al?"

Well, when you're
out of the bedroom,

the answers don't come easy,
do they, Peg?

I got an idea.

Boy, the ideas
sure come quick to you

out of the bedroom,
don't they?

Watch me operate.

Billy Bob Sammy Jim!

Hey, you old son of a g*n,
where you been all these days?

How long has it been,
six, seven years?

Well, this must be the wife.
Boy, how he's talked about you.

Listen, this might be
a bad time to bring it up,

but remember
that $ . you owe me?

Well, I was going
to let it slide,

but that ruins friendships,
doesn't it?

Oh, Harold.

Well, to tell the truth,
I'm a little low.

Well, whatever you got.

Just, you know,
, bucks, you know.

Send me the rest.
Hey, what's money among friends?

Well,
I can give you $ .

Well,
that's just great.

Hey, it's been
really good--

Yeah, yeah, right.

Hey, Joe Bob Jack,
you old toe-picker, you!

How'd you do,
Al?

Well,
I was up to $ ,

then I ran into
somebody who knew me,

so he saw me
with the money,

I had to pay him
the $ I owed him.

Sir, it's been
three hours,

and we really need
this table.

We've got some nice water
for you to take home.

Pay us!

Didn't I pay?

It must've
slipped my mind.

Didn't I pay you?

Oh, well.

Listen, could you
bring me a newspaper?

I'll be right back
with the manager, sir.

Is it okay
to panic now, Al?

Yeah, now would be
a good time to panic, Peg.

What do you think
they'll do to us?

Well,
it's a high-class joint.

They'll probably
b*at the hell out of me

and toss me in a dumpster,

but, well, you,

you'll probably just have
to do some dishes.

Dishes?

Me?

No way.

I'm taking
charge here.

Give me your shoes.

What are you
talking about, Peg?

Give me
your shoes, now.

Sir,
if you can't pay,

perhaps you'd like
to discuss it with--

What's that?

This!
Ugh!

Okay,
everybody back.

Now,
we're busting out of here.

I want to see hands,
people.

Nobody try
to be a hero.

Oh, my God.
She's got a shoe!

Nobody comes close,
nobody gets sick.

And I don't want to see anybody
try that again.

Let's go, Al.

Play some happy music.

[PLAYING "TIE A YELLOW RIBBON
'ROUND THE OLD OAK TREE"]

Let's go, Al.

Wait a second, Peg.

You know,

I had a really nice
time tonight, honey.

It was nice getting out
for a change.

Uh-huh.

Hey, you wanna make
a run for the fire escape?

You betcha.

And don't try
to follow us.