03x14 - A Three Job, No Income Family

[bunniefuu]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Kids!

Let's prove to your mom
once and for all

that you don't need food
to eat good!

And what'd you find
for the Bundy snack tray?

Three M&Ms, a crouton,

and this.

I found it in the cuff
of my pants.

Well, cut the tail off
and throw it in the pot.

Kelly, how were the pickings
in the basement?

Um, I got a half-eaten
piece of cheese

from the mousetrap.

Too bad we couldn't
get the mouse.

Anything else?

Oh, yeah. I got
a half a dozen

of these large raisins

that were scattered
by the trap.

Well, let's save these babies
for Christmas.

We'll put them
in Grandma's fruitcake.

Now, we'll combine
the rest of this stuff

with the Froot Loops
that I fought the dog over,

and we'll have ourselves

some nice little
yummy Bundy trail mix.

Well, I don't know, Dad.

I like the way Mom
makes the stuff.

Well, so do I, Bud,
but...

we're out of cough syrup.

All right, let's go,
everybody sit down.

Your mom should be home
any minute with the tapes,

and then, it's
"Bundy night at the movies."

After that,

it's "Bundy night
in the bathroom."

We never get to rent
any good movies.

You know why?

Because we are the last family
on Earth with Beta.

Yeah, Dad.

Why can't we get
a VHS machine?

I mean, we're missing
a lot of good movies.

I heard they made
a second Godfather.

Hey,

if it was any good,

it would have been
on Beta.

Come on, kids.

We're gonna watch
a movie,

we've got munchies,
and we've got each other.

What more
could we ask for?

Hope.

Food.
Pride.

Heat.
An alias.

Underwear.

Yeah. An annulment.

All right, so our life stinks.

At least we're going
to have movies.

I sent your mother

to Bob's Betas and Bell
Bottoms in Milwaukee.

How come Mom can cross
state lines, and I can't?

Because your Mom didn't go

in a van with a bumper
sticker that read,

"Don't come a-knockin' if you
see this van a-rockin'."

That could be taken
a lot of different ways.

Mm-hmm.

And so can you.

AL: Well,
it's about time.

What do we have,

The Predator,
The Terminator?

Oh, Heavenly Dog!?

Peg, I wanted Schwarzenegger.

So did I,

but I got you,
and you got Beta.

Al, I am really upset
with your wife.

k*ll her.

Anyhow, I'm getting off I- ,

listening to Toscanini

blend precisely with the sound

of my fine
German automotive machinery,

when a reckless driver
cut me off.

Well, live and let live, I say,

but when I pull up next to him
at the light,

your wife leans over
and gives him the finger.

[CHEERING]

All right, Mom,
way to go!

I would've done
the same thing.

Uh, excuse me,

but before
the Neanderthal jamboree

really kicks in...

I might mention that the guy

had a bumper sticker
that said "I heart San Quentin."

Did you spit
on the hood?

Well, I spit
in that direction,

but Steve's
window was up.

Yeah, yeah, enjoy, enjoy,
but I'm the guy he followed.

God, I hope I lost him.

Well, of course I lost him

with those defensive
driving moves I made.

You see, a fine automobile

in the hands of a man
with catlike reflexes--

Hey, there is
a guy stopping here.

Oh, my God,
it could be him!

Look at the size of him.

He looks like acid must've been
thrown in his face.

This guy's fresh out
of the asylum!

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Oh, that's my date.

Bye.

Have a good time, honey.

Thanks.

Hey, here's another car.

He's slowing down.
Now he's coming...

That's him.

There's the "I heart
San Quentin" bumper sticker.

He wrote down
my license plate number.

He's pulling away.

Hey, you!

Yeah, you found us.

So, what are you going
to do about it?

Come on, you nose rag.

Anytime.

You know, every now and then,
she makes me so proud.

Gee, Mr. Rhoades,
you seem scared.

Oh, I'm not scared,
really.

I mean, you know me,

I'm not a man
who runs from trouble.

Trouble troubles me,
I trouble trouble.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

It's trouble.

Steve?

What's going on?

I just got back
from the video store,

and I noticed

your car smelled
like chicken,

but when
I looked closer,

I found six pigeons
roasting on your radiator.

I told you
not to drive through the park.

Oh, now
life means something to you.

Hot pigeons, you say?

Bud?

I'm way ahead of you, Dad.

Steve, are you okay?
You look pale.

Oh, my God.
You didn't eat here, did you?

No, I couldn't decide
which color wine goes with slop.

Believe me, Marcie, I'm fine.

Hey. Tapes.

Look,
The Predator, Dirty Harry,

Judy's Huge Date?

Those are
private tapes, Al.

Well, why can't we get
tapes like these, Peg?

They're VHS, Al.

Well, of course they're VHS.

Only an idiot would own Beta.

Or someone
who believes

a woman's orgasm
is brought on

by yelling,
"C'mon, will ya?"

What happened to your date?

He wanted to study,

so I just had to tell him
I am not that kind of girl.

Hey, guys! The Colonel's here!

Oh, Steve,
let's go home.

If they don't have
a virgin to sacrifice,

they may turn on us.

Uh, listen, Marcie.

I've been thinking.

We don't have the Bundys
over at our house nearly enough.

That's your rule, Steve.

Remember the speech
that began, quote,

"I'd watch a colorized version
of Casablanca

before I'd let those--"
Yeah, I know, I know.

Um... But I just think
it would be a nice gesture

for us to share our VHS format

with our neighbors
and good friends, the Bundys.

What do you say, guys?

Well, pigeon is better
the second day.

Let's go!

What's this
all about, Steve?

Nothing, I just want

to spend an evening or two
with good friends.

Hey, Kel,
some guy's going

to b*at the tar
out of Mr. Rhoades.

Oh, cool.

And then there's that.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[expl*si*n]

Ah, Peg, this is just like
being in a real theater.

Yeah, but here, Bud
isn't on the floor

trying to look up
girls' dresses.

Shh.

You know, Marcie,
that jerk just cut me off.

Didn't even look,
just cut me off.

You know, if he had just

gotten out of his car
when it had happened,

he and I could have settled it
mano a mano.

You're more of a man

for having
walked away, Steve.

Oh, yeah.

Twice the man
of this wimp Eastwood here.

[g*nsh*t, GRUNT]

Well, Clint said
he didn't want mayonnaise.

I just can't get that jerk
off my mind.

Oh, I just wish
I had a second chance.

I tell you,
I'd do things

a little differently
in my present state of mind.

Shh.

Sorry.

I know you would, Steve,

but you chose
not to unleash your fury,

and I admire you for it.

Uh-oh. They refused
Clint's credit card.

[g*nsh*t]

Don't leave home without it.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hey, we're trying
to watch a movie here.

Will somebody get that?

Hello.

Yes. This is
the Rhoades residence.

Yes. That's
the correct address.

Steve, it's for you.

[DEEP VOICE]
Hello.

[NORMALLY]
Hello.

He hung up.

He knows where I live.

To hell with him.

If he's stupid enough
to come over here,

then he deserves
what you're going to do to him.

Unleash your fury, Steve.

Give him a right, a left!

Break his face!

Punch him in the kidney!

Make him puke blood!

Oh, how I love you!

MARCIE:
Look at him.

He's like a caged tiger.

STEVE:
If I say I'm gonna
take out the garbage,

I can tunnel out
under the fence,

go to the bus station,

grab me a handful
of Greyhound,

and get hell out of Dodge.

See, I told you, Al.

If you have one
of these VHS machines,

you can get
any movie you want.

Yeah. It's heaven, Peg.

Hand me Rip Out
Their Entrails III.

Yep, we have the best
of both worlds now, Peg.

Beta at home, VHS here,

and a refrigerator
with food in it.

Take a look around, Peg.

It's like the second home
we always dreamed of.

Oh.

Hey, can I make

a long-distance
phone call?

Sure.

I'm gonna go get us
some more food.

Oh, Peg,
don't turn on the tape yet.

I got to go to the can.

Oh, no! There go our pipes.

I'll get the goldfish out

before it's too late.

Get our toothbrushes too!

Should we really
be worried?

Yes. But I'd leave
the goldfish in there.

It's a good way to test the air
before you attempt re-entry.

We used to use parakeets,

but then they learned
how to talk,

and started screaming for help.

Uh...I meant should I be worried

about the man
who's stalking my husband?

Not if you leave
the bathroom door open.

Well, you know,

the man must have
no social conscience

if he cut someone off like that.

What is society
coming to?

Are we all barbarians?

I'll tell you,
if I had my way,

I'd have them round up every one
of those inconsiderate savages,

bury them up to their necks,

and run them over
with a grain reaper.

You know,
I feel the same way

about that Pippi Longstocking
girl.

God, I hate her!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Hello?

Okay, Mr. Silent Thug,
if you won't speak, I will.

We are
a peace-loving people here,

and you are obviously
not college educated.

Now, I want you

to leave my husband alone,

and if you cannot control
your wanton hostility,

I have a list of
some very qualified therapists

that I think may--

Let me handle this.

Listen, worm food!

You want to take care of this,
come on over.

You've got the address.

You spineless gob of spit!

You gutless, yellow piece of--

He hung up.

How rude.

He must be on his way over.

Well, I got him out in time,

but he won't come out
of his castle.

[HUMMING]

Boy, did I work up an appetite.

I could eat a horse,

but since I'm not home,
I won't have to.

Steve, the maniac
called.

Peggy dared him
to come over,

and I'm afraid
you're just gonna

have to give him
a sound drubbing!

Bring Mommy
his ears, baby.

I'll wear them
for a necklace.

Is there a puppy in here?
I thought I heard a whimper.

Maybe it's Kong
over there.

Look, guys.

I may seem a trifle nervous,

but let me tell you why.

You see,

I used to fight...a lot.

I have to admit,

I was pretty handy
with my dukes too,

and I fought for the right,

but then, when I was ...

this guy and I got into it.

We were rockin'.

I had a short fuse back then,
like now.

I thrashed him within an inch
of his -year-old life.

Didn't like the feeling.

Right then,

I vowed I would never
use my hands in anger again.

That day, I went home
and hung up my fists for good.

Oh, Steve,

I never knew this.

It's not the kind of thing
I'm proud of, Marcie.

Then you must
stand by your vow.

Do not fight
this maniac.

It's just that
I want him so bad!

You're so brave.

No, Marcie.

I'm just a man.

Al, can I talk to you
for a second?

Al, I was never
in a fight.

I ran home.
I cried to my mother.

This kid licked me
like a dog.

He hung up my fists.
I was in them at the time.

What am I going to do, Al?
I'm scared.

If a second grader
hurt me,

what's a guy from San Quentin
going to do to me?

Steve, let me tell
a little story.

Is it about what you did
upstairs?

No. You'll learn about that
soon enough.

No, this is a story about fear.

See, I know you look at me,
you see my wife and kids,

you say to yourself,

"There's a man
that's not afraid of anything."

It's not true, Steve.

I was afraid once.

When I was just a kid,
there was this beast.

It was the scariest thing
you've ever seen.

We both wanted Peg,

which shows that love
is not only blind,

it's stupid.

Every time Peg and I went out,
it was there.

Every time I saw it,
I'd run like hell,

but I knew that one day

we'd have to settle this thing
once and for all.

So one day,
I get sick of running.

So one day in the schoolyard,
we went at it.

It was long and brutal.

I can't say that I won,
and I can't say that I lost.

Well, I definitely
can't say that I won,

but after that day,

I was never afraid again.

Because I stood up

to the meanest, biggest,
toughest man I'd ever seen.

Steve,

that man was Peg's mother.

[WHISTLES]

Yeah,
you can say that again, pal.

So, Steve, I don't care how long
that guy was in San Quentin.

There's no way
he'll be as mean and as tough

as the product
of years of inbreeding.

Well, I don't want
to fight, Al.

I got theater tickets
for tomorrow night.

Have you ever
tried to yell "bravo"

with a lip
the size of a basketball?

Okay, well, how about this?
Screw a fair fight.

Here's what you do.

The guy's
gonna knock on the door.

Open the door real quick,

don't give him
a chance to think,

and sucker-punch him
in the breadbasket.

He'll drop like an ox.

That's what I should have done
to Peg's mother,

but she horned me first.

Oh, uh,
I don't know, Al.

He's here.

I was calling every country
in the world,

you know, to track down
that rock group, g*ns N' Roses,

and I saw this car pull up

with an "I heart San Quentin"
bumper sticker.

Bud, honey, come on out!

The fight's about to start!

Who are we rooting for?

Steve, I just want you to know,

I won't
think any less of you

if you don't answer the door.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Breadbasket, Steve.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

[THWACK, THUD]

Uh-oh.

Well, he's down.

You wanna give me
a hand here, Al?

AL: This him?

STEVE: Yep.

By the way,

his breadbasket isn't quite
where I pictured it.

He's got a tough
little forehead, though.

Mr. Williams, are you all right?

Well, I guess I'm going to live.

Would somebody
give me back my wallet now?

I don't know why
I came over here.

I had a feeling
you might be an animal.

Not an animal, really.

Just a man
who will fight

to protect the rule

of one car length

for every miles
per hour of speed.

Well, I guess I should say
what I came over here to say.

I'm sorry I cut you off.

I'm sorry you had to see
the ugly side of me,

but when challenge
challenged me,

I challenged
challenge.

Yeah. Right.

By the way,

why were you in San Quentin?

I torched a Mercedes.

They say I'm almost cured.

Hey...

and you've got a nice one.

Well, it's only a car,

but the memory of that punch
will last me a lifetime.

Oh, you were
so brave, Steve.

[STIFLED LAUGHTER]

Ignore them.

I think you proved your courage
once and for all

by b*ating up that...little man.

Yeah, just think
what you could do

to a second-grader now.

Let them scoff.

I saw the glimmer of the sweat
as it glistened on your brow,

the bulging of your muscle

as it strained
against your sleeve,

the clenching of your buttocks

as you leapt into the fray.

Take me, big man.
Take me.

By the way, get out.

Kids, you know
what we gotta do.