03x16 - The House That Peg Lost

[bunniefuu]

[DOOR SLAMS]

BUD:
If we don't get some food soon,

it's Donner Pass, baby.

KELLY:
Hmm.

He's a little stringy,

but seasoned correctly...

Bud chops.

[SIGHS]

What're you kids doing?

BOTH [CHANTING]:
Food! Food! Food! Food!

Food! Food! Food! Food!
Food! Food!

ALL:
Food! Food! Food! Food! Food!

Food! Food! Food! Food! Food!

Just the boys!

Just the girls!

Food! Food! Food!
Food! Food! Food!

Oh, well, that was fun.

But nobody's bringing any.

So you guys
want to see my new dress?

Uh, yeah, sure thing, Mom,

but first, can we have
a little chat about nutrition.

To hell with nutrition,
let's talk about food.

You see, Mom,

no nutrition
equals no brain.

I give you
exhibit A.

Now, we've
been talking

to the other
kids at school,

and they get
three meals a day.

Now, I know
what you said,

that food only
leads to food poisoning,

but we're willing
to risk it.

Oh, kids, don't you understand?

See, your father
doesn't earn enough

for this dress and food.

Frankly, your father
doesn't earn enough

for this dress and gum.

Actually, your father
doesn't earn enough

for this dress.

So if you're really hungry,

why don't you
eat this price tag?

And eat it fast
before your dad gets home.

Hey, how come

you always get
the plastic thread?

I'm just doing it
for you, Kelly.

You know plastic goes
right to your thighs.

Come on, Mom.
We're hungry.

Isn't there anything
to eat in this house?

You know,

I don't think he ever got over

waking up
that Christmas morning,

surrounded by little potatoes

with a pineapple ring
on his back.

It's not like we glazed him
or anything.

Mom, we're starving.

Feed us or trade us.

Kids, I really do
know how you feel.

I was hungry too,

until I stopped at Burger King
on my way home.

But, you see,
this is real important.

Daddy and I are going
to our high school reunion,

and I really want to wow them.

If you really want
to wow them,

why don't you just tell them

that your daughter
weighs pounds?

Boy, Mommy just wants
to have a little fun,

and all you kids can think about
are your empty little stomachs.

Now, go forage in the freezer,

and let Mommy be happy.

Hi, Peg.

Nice dress.

What's the occasion?

Oprah having
a formal episode?

Al,

don't you remember anything?

Not since I said, "I do."

Then your mother
opened her mouth

and put me down.

That was a show of affection.

That's how she used to
carry all of us around.

But let's forget about the past.

Tomorrow night, we're going
to our high school reunion,

and I want us to look nice,

so get your suit
out of the hamper and iron it.

Peg, I don't want to go
to my high school reunion.

I just know they're going to

ask me questions
that I can't answer,

like, "How you doing?"

"How's it going?"

And the ever-painful
"How they hanging?"

Now, listen, Al,
you promised you'd take me

the night you didn't take me
to our senior prom.

Well, honey,

we had a great time
that night, didn't we?

Oh, yeah,
wall-to-wall magic.

Watching sports on TV
at my father's house.

You drank all the beer.

I said, "I love you."

You said, "Shut up,
I can't hear the game."

Oh, and then we did it
on my father's coat.

You were quite
a tiger that night, Al.

Yeah, well,
who ever thought

I'd see you again
after that?

Hey, Kel, I think
I got something here.

It could be edible.

Let's see. It's...

It's...

Freddy, my goldfish?

It's the one we froze
till they found a cure

for whatever
was k*lling him.

Bud, you were
only then,

so we didn't tell you,

but, um,

what was k*lling him

was that
we didn't feed him.

Oh, Freddy.

Dibs on the head.

I get the head.

No, he was my pet.

Yeah, well, I was the one
who didn't feed him.

Oops.

Well, let's just fry him up,

and we'll say
next time I get a pet,

you can let him
starve to death.

Deal.

Ahh.

Kel, I can't.

I mean, I just can't
eat Freddy.

He lived in my room.

So does fungus.

Where do you
draw the line?

At a fish I was proud
to call my friend.

Hey,

let's go outside and throw him
in front of a car.

Maybe we can get
some insurance money.

Oh, cool.

I'm glad they're gone.

They were
depressing me, Al.

So, honey,
there is no way

you're not taking me
to this reunion.

This year,

they're going to elect
a queen for the reunion.

Now, I gave up being
queen of our prom for you.

Don't you think

it's time you gave up
something for me?

Well, I guess
a little thing like my life

is meaningless, huh?

Oh, honey,
I never wanted your life.

I just took it
because it was there.

But being reunion queen
is important to me,

and I just know I can win.

The only competition
I have to worry about

is that Connie Bender.

Yeah, Connie Bender.

I remember her.

What do you remember, Al?

I remember her father
had a great coat.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying
to make me mad at you

so I'll tell you to stay home.

Well, it didn't work
at our wedding,

and it's not gonna work now.

You know,
it's amazing.

A million cars
on the road,

and you toss Freddy

in front of
an uninsured motorist.

Well, Kelly,

if you'd just gotten in the car
like the man asked,

we would have had bucks.

Well, let's just go upstairs
and check the webs for spiders.

Yeah, well, just don't give me
any of that,

"Don't eat him, it's Stanley,"

because if it moves,
it's dinner.

Well, it's obvious

the kids have
upstairs covered.

What's my dinner, Peg?

Furnace scrapings
du jour?

Don't I do enough
as wife and mother?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Al, your dog
burst into our house

and then hid under our bed.

He does that every day
around suppertime.

Quite frankly,
he needs a bath,

and he won't listen
to a word I say.

[LAUGHS]

Doggy see, doggy do.

Oh, that is such
a beautiful dress.

I just saw it
on Michigan Avenue,

but my husband didn't
think we could afford it.

See, Steve?

Al doesn't mind spending
$ on his wife.

Is that what I spent on you,
pookie?

Gee, I guess
I really do love you.

We're broke. You know that, Peg.

Oh, Al.

What difference does it make,

another month
in debtor's prison?

I'm going
to be reunion queen!

[GASPS]

That's so exciting.

But if you're
going to be queen,

you can't just go
in a $ dress.

You have to
accessorize properly.

We could get you

a beautiful
beaded evening purse

if you'd be willing

to bounce a check
for another $ .

Would you mind, honey?

So, Al,

what are you up for,

the coveted "Cartwheeling
to the Grave" award?

Okay, everybody,

let me put this
as plainly as I can.

I rule this house.

I pay for it.

I rot within its walls,

and I make the decisions.

And my decision is,

save that dress
for my funeral,

because we're not,
no chance, no way, no how,

going to that reunion.

And you're going
to have to buy some shoes.

Oh, Peggy. Queen!

I'm so happy for you.

So, what will
you be wearing, Al?

The royal leash?

I don't understand.

I mean, the father's the boss,
isn't he?

I mean, Robert Young
was the boss.

Fred MacMurray got some respect.

Even Fred Flintstone
had his day once or twice.

Are you telling me

I'm not the man
Fred Flintstone is?

Well, he had a better
job than you do.

Oh, come on, Al.

Reunions are fun.

Every now and then,

you have to take
a stroll down memory lane

and say hi
to Mr. Days Gone By.

Why, Steve and I

couldn't wait to go
to our respective reunions.

The failures
of our former classmates

were even greater
than we'd hoped and dreamed.

Yeah, remember that hotshot
visual-aids captain,

Marcus Belsky?

He's a tow truck
operator now.

Yeah.
Steal my compass, will you?

Well, rot in hell, Belsky.

What about that
snot-nosed pompom slut,

Courtney Pierce?

"Most Likely
to Succeed."

Yeah, well, she succeeded
in growing a mustache...

and bagging groceries
for $ . an hour.

Yeah, see? That's what
reunions are for.

To laugh and point
at the pitiful.

You know, Al, the wretches,
the failures,

The people who haven't
accomplished a damn thing

since high school.

I, uh...

Uh, I'm sorry, Al.

You know,
Barney Rubble wasn't much,

but at least he was supportive,
Steve.

Marcie,
let's go home,

punch up

some of our old classmates'
credit ratings

on the computer,

and make love

by the flickering ashes
of their lives.

Steve.

We'll make a bed
of our negotiable securities...

and do the wild thing.

Why don't we get

any negotiable
securities, Al?

Because my wild thing
broke me.

Now, get this
straight, Peg.

There's is no way I'm going
to this reunion.

Listen, Al,

You said, "I'm not
taking you to the prom."

I said, "Fine."

You said,

"I'll only be
a shoes salesman

"for a couple of months

till I get my feet
off the ground."

I said, "Fine."

You said,

"I don't know what's
wrong. I'm just tired."

I said, "Fine."

I'm not saying
"fine" anymore.

We are going
to this reunion,

and you're gonna
be proud of me,

and I am gonna
be proud of you,

because when people ask
what you do for a living,

you're going to say
you're a garbage man.

Peg, I don't want
to go to the reunion.

Can't we just forget
about the good times

and get on with our lives?

No, Al.

[SWEETLY]
Oh, come on, puddin',

my little-wittle
hunky bear.

Peg, don't
do this to me.

You know it shrivels up
all my working parts.

My yummy-wummy
hairy tummy,

my simple-wimple
pimple bottom.

Please.

Oh, honey,

I'll be a good girl
for the rest of my life.

I promise,

and I'll never ask you
for anything ever, ever again.

Okay, donkey-wonkey?

Oh, jeez,
I'll do anything.

Just shut up,
all right?

Fine, but now that
you insist on going,

there are going
to be a few rules.

First, I don't
want you talking

to any
of your old friends,

particularly
that little weasel, Eli.

Hey, Eli was
a good guy, Peg.

Good guys don't say,

"Hey, Bundy,
I got riding on you.

Lower your head
and run into a brick wall."

[CHUCKLES]

No one had ever
done that before.

You know,
I like to think if you hadn't,

you might actually
have been a garbage man.

Rule number two,

I don't want you
getting into any fights,

particularly with Jack.

Jack.

Yeah. I remember Jack.

I don't like Jack.

He had this thing
about being the best.

Always trying to top me.

I'd make the team,
he'd make the team.

I set a record, he set a record.

He passed a gallstone,

I married you.

We could never settle that tie.

Jack and me split the school
right down the middle.

Half for him, half for me.

On graduation day,

we were going to fight it out
in the schoolyard,

me and him,
till one of us dropped.

Well, then, something happened.

Yeah, I think
that something was Eli

betting you couldn't
jump over a Mustang going .

I was inches
short of that, Peg.

If my toe had just
cleared that driver's nose,

I'd have won
that $ bet,

and my fight with Jack,

and played college ball,

and married a debutante,

and been
rich and famous.

But everything
worked out just fine,

I got no complaints.

Oh, God!

[BAND PLAYING FUN, FESTIVE SONG]

* I say shotgun *

* Bap bah *

* sh**t 'em
Now you're gonna *

* Bap bah *

* Do the jerk, baby *

* Bap bah *

* Do the dirty dog *

* Da da da do
Do-whoo, do-whoo *

* Do do do do
Doo-doo, doo-doo *

* Do do do do
Doo-doo, doo-doo *

* Bap bah *

* Do do do do
Doo-doo, doo-doo **

[SPARSE CLAPPING]

Can I take break now, Daddy?

Okay, Al,

let's go over this
one more time.

Now, what do you do
for a living?

[FLATLY]
Garbage man.

How often
do we make love?

Five times a year.

It's five times a week, Al.

Oh, come on, Peg,
no one's going to believe that.

I'm not asking you to do it.
Just say it.

Okay, now,
how many children have we got?

None.

Okay, I think we're ready.
Let's go.

Oh, this is going
to be so much fun.

I really love you, Al,

for caring enough
to bring me.

BOTH: Peggy!

Peggy w*nk*r!

Oh, there's the girls!

Step aside, bozo.

ALL:
Peggy! Peggy w*nk*r!

Oh, Peggy, you look
exactly the Same.

Hey, whatever happened

to that good-looking
sex machine

you were
sporting around town?

[CLEARS THROAT]

You know,
Todd Fleming?

Well, I thought
I could do better.

I was wrong.

This is my husband, Al.

Al Bundy.
Of course!

Well, you look
the same too, Al.

What a shame.

How's it going, Edna?

You don't look a day over .

How you do it?

Just ignore him,

much like success has.

So, everybody,

do I have your votes
for reunion queen?

ALL:
Of course you do.

But you didn't have to call me
all the way in New Mexico

just to ask.

That must
have cost you a fortune

to call the entire senior class.

$ phone bill this month.

ALL: Ooh!

Oh, don't worry, sweetie.

That's just a drop in the bucket
compared to what you owe.

Well, that's
no problem.

Can I make anyone
here a license plate?

Well, I got
to go circulate,

and I'm going
to see you girls later,

And, Peggy,

you keep taking care
of that big lug.

Excuse me, ma'am.
I'd like to order a drink.

Peggy?

Peggy w*nk*r,
"Don't Bother To Thank Her"?

Connie?

Connie Bender,

"Bring A Friend
It Won't Offend Her"?

Hi.

Al.

You are looking fantastic, Al.

Do you remember me, Al?

Yeah.

Wow. What happened?

No, I mean,
you look better standing up.

He was always such a charmer.

So, what are you doing
these days, Al?

He's a garbage man.

And what about you,
Connie?

Are you married

or still working
your way west?

Oh, I'm married.

Honey.

[WHISTLES]

You remember Jack,
don't you?

Peggy!

Jack!

Al.

You're, uh...

looking good.

You too, Jack.

You want to go outside?

You bet.

Now, now, boys,
this is a reunion.

No need to pick up
exactly where we left off.

If we did that,

Connie would be
in the coat room

with the band.

Peggy,
did you hear the good news?

I'm going to be reunion queen.

Care to be my hag-in-waiting?

Oh, no. You're wrong.

Much as you're wrong

in thinking that
women don't need deodorant.

You see, I'm going
to be reunion queen.

Check your
numbers, baby.

I am ahead
by a cool three votes.

I should know.

I called everywhere

in the
English-speaking world.

That was your mistake.

Well, that, and...

that dress.

Oh, Sumo!

You see, Peggy,

I think you forgot
our foreign exchange students.

You remember the Yohiro sisters?

I flew them in from Tokyo.

By the way, Sumo,
who will you be voting for?

She who holds our passport.

Tough luck, w*nk*r.

Now, look here, Bender.

I didn't spend $
on this dress,

$ in phone calls,

and $ for these shoes

to go home with this.

I swear

by the hairs
on your chinny-chin-chin,

I will be queen of this reunion.

Not when you're one vote short,
baby.