04x04 - Tooth or Consequences

[bunniefuu]

Ah, home sweet hell.

MAN:
Hey, Bundy!
Home for supper?

Never say die, huh?

[LAUGHS]

MAN :
Hey, Bundy!
I had steak tonight.

What are you havin'?

If I was the mailman,
I'd be having your wife.

Don't worry
about me, Donnelly.

I'll have supper.

I better have supper.

Peg,
where's my supper?

[RINGING]

Oh!

Oh, God.
The idiot'll be home soon.

Oh. Ha-ha-ha.

Hi, idiot.

Peg, in the privacy
of our own home,

could you call me
Mr. Idiot?

Peg, you're not gonna
bother me tonight,

because you know why?

I know you cooked me supper,
didn't ya?

Dessert?

Oh, honey, what
do you want from me?

You're at work
hours a day.

Can't you find something
to eat in all that time?

God! This is a home,
not a restaurant.

I know, Peg.

If it was a restaurant,
we'd have a clean bathroom.

Can't you be
like other husbands?

Just come home,
go upstairs

and sit there
quietly till morning.

Excuse me a second, Peg.

What's this? Beef stew?
Made from scratch?

Whoa ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
What a wife!

Peg, I'm starving to death.

I can't live like this.

Now, I'm telling you,
Peg,

I want you to put
something in that oven,

either food or my head.

Either way, the neighbors'll
smell something cookin'.

Now, Peg, I'm making
a stand here. I'm not kidding.

I want a meal.
I want it now. Get it?

Huh?

What'd you say, Al?
I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.

Jeez, I don't know.
Just something
about me being a man.

It wasn't important.

Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.

Kids, I'm glad you're home
because I'm taking a poll.

Where are we
gonna put a pole?

Well, we can, uh,
put it in your head

so we have a place to hang
the sign that says "duh."

Oh, thanks.

You wouldn't let me
get a nose earring,

but you're gonna put
a pole in my head?

Peg, are you sure
you didn't have
a one-night stand

with Abbott and Costello?

No. I'm a one-stooge
woman, honey.

All right, we're
going to have a vote.

I thought we were
gonna have a po--

All in favor of having
your mother cook...

Three. Opposed?

None.

Well, that's it, Peg.
You're cookin'.

I don't care if it's
breakfast, lunch or dinner,

but I want it hot.
And I'll tell
you something else.

I want it on a plate.

Boy. If I'd known
it was gonna be like this...

Well, Peg, the neighbors
are laughing at me.

And everyone at school,
too, Dad.

Well, that's it.

From now on,
this family is gonna be

like every other family
in America.

Sometime this month
we're gonna eat!

Yes, food!
All right!

Okay, I'll make
one meal.

But it's not
gonna be good.

That's all we ask.

Oh, Mom,
one more thing.

Oh.

You're spinning me
right into PMS.

It's the school nurse,
Mom.

She said it's time to get
our annual dental checkups.

Oh.

Okay. We'll make
an appointment.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Come in!

What are you doing?

Ah, giving the kids
their dental checkups.

Excellent, Bud,
as usual.

Beautiful, Kelly.
Good girl.

Okay, kids,
go on upstairs

and we'll forge
your dental forms
in the morning.

Ah. Well,
that wasn't so bad.

Yeah. Thank God we didn't
need tetanus sh*ts.

Oh. I hate
that little pin.

Ugh! Ugh!

Uh, excuse me,
but doesn't anybody know

this is against
the law?

So is dressing up a chicken
and calling it your wife.

I am not a chicken.

Why does he keep
calling me a chicken?

Now, Marcie.

Don't get
your feathers ruffled.

Look, guys,
I don't mean to be rude,

but we've got some
x-rays to sketch.

This is a disgrace.

Don't you understand?
You are robbing your children

of one of life's
great experiences.

I love to go
to the dentist.

A man in white
hovering over me

while I'm trapped
helpless in a chair.

He cleans me.

He flosses me.

His instrument's
alive in my mouth.

And just when I think
I can't take anymore,

he says,
"Good girl, Marcie.

You can spit now."

Al, I wanna go
to the dentist.

Well, you should.

Everyone should
see their dentist

at least twice a month.

I mean, year.

And you know what?

I haven't had a cavity
since I was years old.

So, what? I haven't had
a cavity my whole life.

And I've neverbeen
to the dentist.

And still you have
that delightful breath.

How do you know
you've never had a cavity?

History.

Tradition, my boy.

Bundy men were always
known for one thing.

Hairy knuckles?

The sex drive
of a carbuncle?

Well, actually, we were known
for two things.

One: always having
the knack of finding
just the right woman...

And teeth.
Big strong choppers.

Marcie, have a look in here.
Go ahead.

Uh-huh.

Oh, my God.
It smells like a hamper.

Go on. Just check
the teeth, will ya?

Well, the green one
looks pretty good.

And some might be bothered
by that black one.

But the one that's
actually bleeding

could be a problem
starting.

Al, you should go
to the dentist.

No dentist.

If my teeth don't hurt,

nothing's wrong with them.
And my teeth don't hurt.

AL:
Now my teeth hurt!

[AL SCREAMING]

[GROANING]

Ahem.

Mr. Bundy.

Uh-- Uh...

Uh, I'm Bill.

Hello, Bill.
I'm Al Bundy,

I'm Kelly's father.

This is some weather we're
having here, isn't it, Bill?

You know, it's funny,
but it's almost
: in the morning,

and you were
kissing my daughter.

Oh, darn, Bill.

It's so late,
I thought that'd be open.

There you go.

We've got a real problem
here, Kelly.

I know, Daddy.
We were just doing our homework.

I'm a good girl.

Who cares?

It's just that
my teeth are k*lling me.

They felt fine until
that darn Marcie voodooed me.

Now I'm in so much pain,
I can't even sleep.

Honey, would you look in there
and see if my teeth are okay?

Oh, well...
Wait a minute.

Let me move
this one aside.

[GROANS]

Well, they all
look okay to me...

except for that one
that's fizzing.

Daddy, why don't you just
go to the dentist?

No dentist.

What I need
is an ice-cold beer.

That's cold.

Mm-hm.

Nothing like a cold beer
on a hot night.

That's good.

Are you afraid
of the dentist, Daddy?

Kelly, I'm
a grown man.

So, yes, of course,
I'm deathly afraid
of the dentist.

Fear is nothing
to be ashamed of, Daddy.

Let me tell you
a little story.

I was afraid once.

It was two years ago,
so I was, um... .

Anyway, I missed the bus
back from school,

so I had to walk home.

It was getting
pretty dark.

Oops.

I almost drank beer!

Anyway, I cut
through this alley.

And I heard this noise.

I turned,
and there they were.

Who?

All my friends
from school.

So we all went to Janie's house
and had this dance party.

Oh, God, it was great.

Janie's mom got this broom,
and we limboed.

Then we had cake.
And we painted
each other's toenails.

Then we went to sleep--

Honey, Daddy doesn't
have long to live.

Get to the part
of the fear.

Well, let's see.

Was I afraid
of my dress?

What the heck
was I wearing?

Honey, that's all right.

Sweetheart,
it was a great story.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, Daddy's just dizzy enough
to go to sleep now, honey.

Have a great night,
sweetheart.

You, too, Daddy.

Oh, Daddy,
I just remembered.
What?

I was wearing my pink dress
with the little sparkles
on the collar,

and I was afraid it would
clash with the toenails
I just painted.

But it didn't.

Thanks again,
sweetheart.

What are daughters for?

I don't know.

[GROANING]

I'm going to sleep.

Is Dad gone yet?

Yep.
Great.

Then we'll see you
in the morning.

Ohhh.

Curse your father
for making me feed him.

This is so confusing.

I mean, what do men eat?

Well, going by Bud,
insects.

Mom, Kelly had a boy
here last night.

Oh, yeah? Well,
Bud had a girl here last night.

Yeah, like I'm
gonna believe that.

Don't tell stories,
Kelly.

Hey, wait a minute.
I could've had a girl here.

Sure you could,
honey.

So, how are Daddy's
teeth this morning?

Oh, I don't know.

He was up screaming
all night.

Finally, I put a pillow
over his face

so I could get some rest.

Gee, he's really gotta go
to the dentist.

Ah, what a day.

Smell that
morning air.

[INHALES]

Al, will you please
go to the dentist?

Don't have to now, Peg.

A miracle happened
last night.

I went to bed. Woke up today.
I feel fine.

Oh, yeah?

Eat this ice.
Oh, no, Peg.

Put it in a bag.

I'll eat it
on the way to work.

Eat it now, Al.

All righty.

[AL SCREAMING]

My teeth!

Oh, God,
take my life!

The pain!

I can't stand
the pain!

See, there's no problem.

Al, you have a : appointment
with Marcie's dentist.

Now, here's the address.

And in case you need
a loved one to pick you up,

here's a bus schedule.

Dr. Plierson.

What I need
is a Dr. k*ll-A-Wife.

Dad.

Dad, I had a girl here
last night.

Bud, I got no time
for your jokes now.
My teeth are killin' me.

You're next,
Mr. Bundy.

AL:
I'm a little nervous.

It's okay.

Come on.

Just sit
right down.

Can I have
the ducky now?

There's a little boy
out there who really needs it.

Tough.

Come on, now.

You've got nothing
to worry about.

You won't feel a thing.

What's this for?

Oh, it's just
to soak up the blood.

Nurse, this dentist--
He's, like,
a real good one, right?

Don't worry,
Mr. Bundy.

Doctor's
just wonderful.

Just look at these.

Oh, wow.

Nice...

Nice, white, firm.
Yeah.

Those babies should
last you a lifetime.

I brush them every day.

I would, too,
if they were mine.

All right, next.

Ah, the man
with the ducky.

Thank you, nurse.

I'll take it
from here.

[SQUEALS]

[PLIERSON LAUGHS]

Oh. All right.
Come on, Bundy.

Let's see
what we got here.

Open up.

No.

Come on, Bundy.
I'm a pro.

I've seen it all.
I've done it all.

Come on, open up.

Aah!

Ugh!

Mother of all creatures,
big and small!

Whoa.

Is it bad?

No, no, not really.

T.C.!

Yes?

I want you to bring one
of the big bibs in here.

And, uh, a drop cloth
for the floor.

Hey, doctor,
I was just thinking.

You know, I don't eat,
and I got no reason to smile.

Why don't we just let 'em
drop out naturally,
and I'll mail 'em to you.

You drill 'em, fill 'em
and mail 'em back to me.

Now, look. Come on, Bundy.

Now, I might be optimistic,
but I just happen to think

we can save
a couple of those babies.

What do you say, huh?

I'll, uh, Novocaine you up.

Then I'll have
a couple of drinks,

and neither one of us
will feel a thing, huh?

There we are.

All right, now, make sure
you get a sh*t of the head

so they know
it's a human mouth.

Hey, doctor.

Now, you said this is
gonna be nothin', right?

Look, I've done a thousand
of these things.

Just never
in the same mouth.

Numb yet?

Yeah. You?

Well, close enough.

* Oh, honey *

It's doctor in the office,
sweet cheeks.

I'm sorry.

Anyhow, doctor,
I'm gonna go home

and slip into something
a little more comfortable.

Do you want me
to pick up some videos?

Uh, yeah. Um...

Get, um...

Get something mild.

I'm gonna be up to my elbows
in blood in a minute.

[MOUTHING]
Okay.

I have this feeling
I'm forgetting something.

Did I turn off
the iron?

Did I take my pill?

WOMAN:
Yow!

Where is that
damn dentist?

That's what I forgot!

Mrs. Higgenbottom
is spitting up teeth

like a popcorn machine
in there.

Okay, well, give her
a Sports Illustrated,

and tell her
I'll be right there.

Okay.

Yeah. Sure.
Let her rot.

Women. They're the lowest
forms of life.

You married, Bundy?

Look in these eyes.

Me, I'm recently divorced.

She got me for . mil.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm not bitter, though.
Nope. She deserved it.

She gave up a very
promising career as a waitress

to become my wife
of about six whole months.

That's almost a half
a year, you know.

[SOBBING]
. mil.

Take it easy, doc.
Take it easy.

I found out, in life,
you can't live in the past.

Or the present
or the future, but...

You can spend
some quality time

at a newsstand,
reading dirty magazines.

Yeah. They can't take
that copy of Hiney
away from you, can they?

Bundy, you're an okay Joe.

I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm not gonna dig too deep.

I'll do what I can.

You won't
feel a thing.

Ah, jeez, thanks, doc.

Doctor, it's your ex-wife's
attorney on line one.

Great.

By the way,

I bought this with your
credit card, doctor, honey.

Is it okay?

Yes, it's much better than
the one you bought yesterday.

And more expensive.

You gold-diggin', little--

What do you want?

I got a dying man
in the chair!

[MOUTHING]

No, absolutely not.

No.

Oh, she--
She already got it.

Yeah, she's got them too.

My baseball card collection?

Oh, no. No.
No, no, no.

I'll give her
the bucks it's worth.

She wants the cards?

Why?

Because she knows
I like them?

All right.

All right,
I'll tell you what.

You-- you tell her
to take those cards,

and I hope
she chokes on 'em!

Ohhh!
I love those cards!

I spent my whole life
collecting those cards.

Hey, doc, I think
the Novocaine's

starting to wear off
a little bit.

Shut up, Bundy!

Just shut up!

God, I'm so mad,
I'm shakin'.

Maybe you better wait, then,
until you calm down.

[DRILL WHISTLING]
Aah! Aaah!

Mm-mm! What a memory
this will be.

If Bud didn't
still have pimples,

I'd think this was a dream.

Yeah, well,

just don't bring
your rumbling little stomachs

around come Thanksgiving,
'cause after today,

Mommy has hung up her oven.

Al, here's your
stinkin' meal!

I hope you're happy!

[MUFFLED]
Oh, Peg.

What'd you cook for?

You know I can't eat.

Oh, "ook at aw the ood."

Stop babbling, Al.

I can't understand
a word you say.

Well,
can you understand this?

I want another meal
when I can eat the food.

Pass the mashed potatoes.

Give me corn.

This is unacceptable.

I'm the man
of the house.

Wait a minute, kids.

Your Daddy's right.

This is very unfair
to your father.

And we cannot enjoy my meal
with him like this.