04x06 - Fair Exchange

[bunniefuu]

Kids, I gotta tell ya,

I love the day
after Thanksgiving.

We already got that
"giving thanks" crap

out of the way,
and we get to have leftovers.

Peg, is it ready yet?

Here it comes!

Ah!

You know, Daddy,

that was a great idea
last night:

to only eat the cheese so
we'd have the crust for today.

AL:
Yeah!

I'll bet a lot of
other stupid families

ate their whole
pizza last night.

And today they're
probably just looking

at the old empty
cardboard box.

Uh-huh.

I can't do it.

Dad, I think I speak
for us all.

This really bites
the big one.

Why can't we have turkey
like real people?

Aw, now, Bud.

It's not like your father
is a doctor or a lawyer

or a bathroom attendant

or a circus geek.

He's just
a shoe salesman,

doing the best
he can.

Okay, Peg, I think
we get the message here.

Obviously,
this is the fault

of the only one
who works around here.

That would be,
let me see...

mm, mm, mm...

Well, goldarn it,
it's me.

Well, what the heck,
I'll quit.

Then we'll be
a-eating, won't we?

Oh, honey, nobody
wants you to quit.

We all appreciate
what you do for this family.

[LAUGHING]

Well, we might as well
face the facts.

This food thing
isn't going to go away.

We've gotta get
some money here.

There's got to be something
here we can sell.

How about Mom's
engagement ring?

Kelly!

Now, that ring is
a symbol of our love.

We could never,
heh-heh,

put a price
on that.

That's right,
honey.

Like they say:

glass is forever.

Hey.

Oh, come on, Al.

I had it
appraised

the day after
our wedding.

Remember when
you were resting?

It was a big day
for Mommy, honey.

Yeah. That was the last
day of rest for Daddy.

Hm. What about Kelly's
school books?

We could
sell these.

Oh, yeah,
my English book.

Oh, I ain't got
no use for that.

Honey,
these school books

are very important
to your future.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Let's see what
condition they're in.

Well,
let's see.

Wait a minute.
What do we got here?

What's this?

Detention,
detention.

Expulsion.

Oh, here's something
interesting.

Host a foreign
exchange student,

receive $
a month expenses.

That's what
we'll do, Peg.

We'll get us one of those
$ -a-month foreigners.

Gee, I don't know,
honey.

We don't have
much room.

Where are they
going to sleep?

Well, what's
the garage for?

I know,
I know!

It's for the car.

We'll move it over
to the side.

Yeah, but it's freezing
in there, Dad.

Hey, I didn't say weshould
sleep in the garage.

[LAUGHING]

I wonder when little "Y-vette"
will get here.

Uh, Kelly.

I believe her name
is pronounced "Yvette."

I was pronouncing it
in English.

Oh, man,
what a break.

Getting a -year-old
French babe.

Sniff, sniff.

Oh, the times
we'll have.

Don't go boinging around
the house just yet, toad boy.

Frenchie's
all mine.

At last I'll have,
like, a sister.

A real girl.

Not just a boy

trapped in
a pimple's body.

It'll
be great.

I can teach her
about American guys,

and she can carry
my school supplies.

You know,
like my music,

my walkman,
my overnight bag...

my make-up.

The red light bulb
that goes over your head.

Oh, you mean like
when I get an idea?

Al, do you think
we should've

picked Yvette up
at the bus station?

No. I hate
bus stations.

Vagrants, winos...

There's people there who'd
cut your throat for a nickel.

I think
I see someone.

She's dragging her trunk
down the street.

Al, give her
a hand.

Hey!
Over here!

Boy, it's getting
cold out there.

[KNOCK]

[FRENCH ACCENT]
Hello, my name
is Yvette.

Hello.
Welcome to our country.

We have so many
questions to ask you.

Um, what's your
country like?

Uh, how was
your trip?

Where's
our money?

I apologize
for "ze animals."

I'm Bud Bundy,

your love
interest.

And this is
Mom and Dad.

And I'm Kelly.

You'll be going
to school with me,

so if there's a heinie
to be kissed around here,

it's mine.

Oh, my, you are
so attractive.

Are all American girls
as beautiful as you?

In their dreams.

Well, I am so happy
to be in Chicago,

land of the Cubs
and the big wind.

Al.

It wasn't me.

Oh.

I would love
to talk for hours,

but I'm cold
and tired.

Uh, where will
I be sleeping?

My room
is this way.

The left side of the bed
is for you.

That's because he wets
to the right.

Oh, now, kids.

No, honey, you'll be staying
in the guest room

next to
the car.

Yeah.

Now, if it's a little chilly
in there, don't worry about it.

We're going to try to get
that garage-door down real soon.

Got it! $ .

Ha, ha!
Gimme that.

Well, I've had a long flight,
and a long walk from downtown,

so I'm a--
I'm a little hungry.

Do you think I could
have a little bite--

And this is the hall
where my locker is.

Uh, Kelly, we've been
at school for hours.

Will we be going
in a classroom today?

Look, do you want to see how
it's done in America, or what?

I'm sorry.
What happens next?

Well, first we'll
meet some boys.

Uh, how do we do that?

Kelly, hi!
Hi, listen.

Saturday nights
my parents are out.

Hey, I was
talking to Kelly.

Oh, you are
so popular.

Yeah, well, I'm kind of like
The Beatles of the th century.

Now, do what I did.

Oh, no.
I'm far too shy.

Go ahead.
Maybe you'll get one.

Hi, I'm Hank.

Welcome to Polk High.

What's your name?

Yvette.
Nice to
meet you.

A toast...

to the French.

It's a foul
little country,

but they sure do know how
to write a check.

[LAUGHING]

Kelly, honey, aren't you
going to eat your dinner?

I'm not hungry.

Let me have that.

Watch out,
over there!

What's wrong, you ask?

Well, I'm socially dead,

yesterday's girl,

a Bud.

Why, you ask?

Okay, well,
I'll tell you.

Because the little French poodle
that you all love

is taking all my action.

Oh, Daddy, what's a washed-up
has-been supposed to do?

[GRUNTS]

Mom, what kind of guys
will I wind up with

when no one else wants me?

[GRUNTS]

Oh, no.

Aw, come on, Kel.

So Yvette makes you
look like day-old eggs.

So what?

There's still hope
for you.

Why, you could be
a coat rack,

an ashtray,

a speed bump.

Listen to
your brother.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mm, door.

Get the door.
Door.

Sure, I have
no life.

I'll get it.

Maybe it's someone from
the future Geeks of America

wanting me to join.

Yep.
It's the founders.

Hi, Kelly.

Uh, Peggy,

may we talk to you
for a second?

Let me
have that.

Gimme that!

Mmm?

Uh, Peggy, we don't know
how to tell you this--

Well, I do,
Steve.

Peggy, Al has a young girl
living in your garage.

We saw her
last night

burning leaves for warmth
in your driveway.

The pig didn't even
have the decency

to set her up
in an apartment.

Well, it's not
that easy, Marcie.

You got to buy
money orders

under a different name
to pay the rent,

Then...

where do you keep
the extra key?

Just try to get a phone
with an alias these days.

Not that I've ever
given it much thought.

Well, anyway,

here are some pictures
of her we took

and the name
of a good divorce attorney.

I'm sorry we had to be
the ones to tell you this.

[CHUCKLING]

Look,
I know all about it.

She's just a foreign exchange
student that's living here.

And other than
having to honk

when we want
to get out of the garage,

she's--she's really been
no problem at all.

Yeah. No problem
for anyone but little me.

What's the matter,
Kelly?

Oh, it's that Yvette

is dating
all her boyfriends,

and Kelly has the social life
of a barn owl.

Kelly's a little
depressed.

Could you handle this?
We're eating.

Oh, now, Kelly.

You mustn't
worry over this.

You may find this
hard to believe,

but I myself wasn't
popular in school.

The hell you say.

No, it's true.

I couldn't get a date
with a cool guy,

no matter how much
I put out.

I mean tried.

So I finally
started dating a nerd.

Ha!

[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH]

You dated
a nerd?

Yes.

His name was...

Well, his name
isn't important.

My friends couldn't believe
I'd sunk so low.

Boy, did they laugh

when I let him take me
to the homecoming dance.

Wait a
second.

I took you to
the homecoming dance.

That's right.
You did.

Anyway,
we went on dating,

and I endured the laughter
and the ridicule,

and I came
to marry...

Well, his name
isn't important.

The point is,

yesterday's nerd
can grow up

to be a wonderful
and giving man.

So, if all you can get
is a nerd,

I say try one.

I did.

Hey.

Wait a minute.

I know who you're
talking about.

And let me
tell you something,

you think
you heard laughter?

Well, when I was
dating you,

I had
a few milk bones

slipped into
my pocket.

I was pretty!

My mother
told me so.

Compared to your mother,
you were.

Oh, so now you
don't like my mother.

What's not
to like?

A -year-old woman
who played the drums.

Nerd.

Geek girl.

So that's my future.

Well, that
and pounds.

Never.

I will never sink so low
as to date a nerd.

I may not have much,
but at least I have my pride.

It's been an illuminating
evening, Miss Bundy.

I'm sorry I spilled
my prune juice on your blouse.

Yeah, and I'm sorry
I punched you in the pelvis.

Oh.

Perhaps I can have
the pleasure of your company

again next Friday.

The museum is having
a quite interesting exhibit

on the ever-changing
mollusk.

Well, only if you wear
your green pencil pouch.

Turns them all on.

Well, I've had
a great time, guys,

but I
got to run.

Mwah, mwah!

Kelly,

you know what would
make this the perfect evening?

Oh, what, Myron?

If Yvette would
kiss me good night.

You just blew
a good thing, baby.

Oh, my,
I'm so tired.

Thank goodness you taught me
how to sleep at school.

Uh, so how was your date
with Le Grand Geek?

Well, we sat around
with his parents

and they showed me slides
of their vacation

to the Ticonderoga
pencil factory.

You know,
the number pencil is

the backbone
of the industry.

That's
very fascinating.

No, it isn't.

It's the prattle
of the dead.

Listen, Yvette,
we really need to discuss--

Oh, I would love to talk
to my little American sister,

but my next date
will be here any moment.

Uh, he told me I could
wear your leather mini.

You don't mind,
do you?

I mean, you are
in for the evening, no?

Thanks.

* Dum dum dum
Dum dum dum dum *

Mmm.

* Dum dum dum
Dum dum *

Hi, Grandma.

Oops.

Sorry, Kel.

Must've been
the way

the light hit
your crow's feet.

Bud,
what are you doing?

I'm building
a home entertainment center.

Bud, I need
your help.

I'm desperate.

No, you're not.

Desperate
still implies hope.

You wouldn't want to help me
get rid of Yvette, would you?

Pffffft!

Well, I can't
take this anymore.

I'm going to have to
do it myself.

Kelly,

I say this
with all sincerity.

If you truly, truly
want to get rid of her,

I'll k*ll you.

I really will.

This is
not a joke.

Dead.

Uh, Bud,
what are you doing?

Uh...

I'm, uh...

I'm-I'm giving you
s-some ventilation

you know, so the heat
can get through.

Oh, it's all right, Bud.
I don't mind if you peep.

Yeah, I'll give
that up...

The day they pry her
from my cold, dead hand.

What a cute
little fellow.

He's toilet film.

Au revoir.

Well, excuse me,
young lady,

but where are you
think you're going?

On a date.

Oh,
no you're not.

I got a call from
the principal today.

And it seems you're failing
all your subjects.

We just can't
have that.

I'm failing too.

Uh, Kelly, please,
we're talking to Yvette.

He didn't mean that,
dear.

You have to study too.
I suppose, ha-ha.

But if she fails,
she has to go back home.

And we're out
bucks a month!

We're responsible
for your education.

You know, and if there's
one thing we are,

it's responsible
parents.

[SNAPPING SOUND]

Oh!

Stop that, Al.

I can't help it.
I'm giddy.

Must be from all
this darn eating.

Oh, ho, ho!

Come here.
Come here.

Well, I guess
we better study.

I'd love to,

but I've got to go
dust off my accordion

for school tomorrow.

I've got my eye on
the big, fat tuba player.

Oh please, Kelly,
you have to help me.

I'll beg someone
to go out with you.

If I fail, I'll have
to go back to France,

and I'll have to give up
all your boyfriends.

Listen, Yvette,

there's no point
in us both staying home.

Go out.
Have a good time.

I'll study,

and when we take our test
you can copy off me.

Oh, you would
do that for me?

Oh, what are little
American sisters for?

[PEG SIGHS]

Okay, who wants seconds
on crust?

I can't
believe it.

Yvette flunked
every subject.

She even
flunked French.

She must be
the stupidest girl
in the world.

Well, I'm the stupidest
girl in America.

I know you are,
pumpkin,

but we're talking about
something important now.

Honey,
you're important too.

Just not as important
as bucks.

Oh, Al, now they'll never give
us another exchange student.

Yeah, I never got
to use my holes.

Well, what about me?

I lost a sister.

I'm hurting too.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Oops.
My dates are here.

"Au verar!"