04x14 - A Taxing Problem

[bunniefuu]

Oh, let's see.

"Farmer Brown has potatoes
and six children.

"If half of the potatoes
are to be divided

"among one-third
of the children,

"how many potatoes

do each of the remaining
children get?"

Oh, God.

I know. I know.

Short skirt for math,
Monday.

How'd it go?

Ah, he's still constipated.

If he was any tighter,
you could wear him to the prom.

You mean to tell me

he didn't react at all
to the picture of you naked?

Because just the thought of it
would work for me.

Well, I guess we have
to give him his pill.

Yeah, but he'll
spit it out

if we don't wrap it

in something
that tastes good.

Well, let's see
what we've got.

How about this thing
in the tinfoil that's moving?

No!

Mom said never to touch that.

I know.

How about this piece of cheese?

The mouse wouldn't eat it,
but maybe Buck will.

Well, it can't be
all that old.

It's still green.

Mm-hmm.
Okay.

Here, Buck.

Come on, boy.

Yummy, fuzzy cheese.

Ah, I love waking up

after your mother's
already up and out,

the scent of her perfume
still in the air,

bucks missing
from my wallet...

Just like
I was single.

Hey, breakfast cheese.

BOTH:
No--

Mm...mmm.

That's not bad.

You know, I have a feeling

it's gonna be a big day
for Daddy today.

The biggest, Dad.

Humongous.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Who could that be?

Well, since Mom
and Kelly's boyfriends

have their own keys,

it's probably
the mailman.

Bundy, I just want you
to know I'm retiring

after years
of faithful service--

Well, let's see.

Bill... Bill...

Hello!

My tax refund!

Yes!
Whoo!

I told you it's gonna
be a big day.

My stomach's
getting warm.

Maybe that cheese
will settle it.

By God, I love you.
Mwah...

Thanks, Daddy.

Not you. Go away.

Kelly, I'm sorry.
No, come back here.

Come back here.

[CHUCKLES]

Now you go away.

Oh, let's see
how much I got.

Oh, man.

I'm gonna be...

Audited?

Peg, I'm gonna
be audited!

Very nice.

I just spent three hours
in the beauty parlor,

and all you can say
is "I'm being audited."

Huh! Why do I bother?

What's "audited"?

Well, basically,

it's when they take
everything you own

and throw you in jail.

But just Dad, right?

Yeah.

Then to hell with it.

Peg, get
our tax records,

'cause I'm suing
the moron

that bungled our taxes.

Oh. Well, gee,
that would be me.

Oh, now, don't get
that look on your face.

It's a good thing
I did the taxes.

You see,
I had this idea.

If claiming two children
as dependents

gets you $ ,

imagine what kids
would be worth.

The gas chamber?

Dibs on his car.

I want it!
I always said I could have it!

No, it's mine.
Mine!

Kids, don't fight.

There'll be cars
for the both of you

'cause Mommy's
will be up for grabs,

'cause Mommy will be
up the river with me.

See, it was a joint-return.

Think they'll be gone
by Valentine's Day?

Because I don't know about you,
Kel, but I'm thinking party.

Imagine both Mom and Dad
in jail.

We'll be the coolest kids
in school.

Yeah.

Now, kids,
stop worrying.

Mommy's not going
anywhere.

And why is that, Peg?

Oh, Al.

You don't think
I'd be stupid enough

to sign my name
to that return too.

This isn't like
a parking ticket.

This is what
they sent Capone away for.

Oh, but don't worry,
honey.

I'm gonna go upstairs right now
and call my Uncle Ephus.

He'll know what to do.

He's a pig farmer.

Hey, Mom?

Huh?

If Dad does go to jail,

can we still have
a Valentine's party?

Well, let's get him
off to jail first,

and then we'll
talk about it.

Well, son, we owe five grand
to the government.

So sometime between
now and, uh...

a.m. on Thursday,

I've gotta come up
with a small fortune.

Well, let's see
what we got here.

"Free money for fools."

Nope. Nothing here.

Here's something.

"Store toxic waste
at home."

You wouldn't mind growing
a second head for Daddy,

would you, son?

I don't know, Dad.

Everything in my closet

is sort of built
around one head.

Well, we'll just
circle this as a "maybe."

Hmm...

"Desperate woman
needs human hair for wig.

"Will pay any price.

Red preferred."

Al, honey, great news!

Ephus wasn't there,

but Aunt Innie said
if you get her

a blueprint
of the courthouse,

he'll pull his half-ton
under the window,

and you're just a manure ride
away from freedom.

What are you two looking at?

Your lovely red hair.

Oh, Al...

You noticed.

I didn't think
you cared.

Oh, but I do.

Aw.

Oh, come on, Buck.

Take your pill.

I put it in this nice bonbon.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

Al, you have been in there
all morning.

I don't know what it is, Peg.

I haven't eaten a thing

since that piece of cheese
yesterday.

Oh, a bonbon.

Oh, it's nice and crunchy.

Gee, I hope
it settles my stomach.

I don't think it'll be in there
long enough.

Oh, Al, are you
brushing my hair again?

You know,
to some people,

you're just a guy
who needs a shower,

but beneath it all,
you really are romantic.

Yep.

Yep, I am.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Peg, bring your hair
over here.

You can
come too, dear.

Sit down.

Hello. We're the Privetts.
We're here to see the hair.

Of course!

Step right into
our showroom.

Uh, dear, these are
our good friends, the, uh--

Privetts.
The Privetts, yes.

and this is my lovely wife
the, um...

The Peggy.

Oh, you have
lovely hair!

Why, thank you.

Leo, it's perfect.

Come on, Leo,
you touch it too.

Oh, it's very nice.

Isn't it,
though?

Uh...

Al, could I speak to you
for a minute?

Excuse us
for a second.

What's going on here?

Well, Peg, I've
gotta pay the IRS,

so I'm selling the--
The lawn furniture.

How much you asking?

Um... , .

Al, it cost bucks
years ago.

So did you.

You know, , 's
a little steep, Bundy,

but I might
go to, uh, .

Two thousand dollars?

Oh!

You know, it's really
worth the money.

Why, you can just
sit on it for hours,

and if you hose it off,
it's good as new.

Five thousand.

You don't mind us
taking it from you?

Oh! No.

Why, the dog
just lies on it,

and the birds use it
as a bathroom.

You know, I'll be glad
to get rid of it.

We'll be back tomorrow
with the check.

Could you make that cash?

That way, we won't have to
report it to the government.

Five thousand dollars!

Al, we're rich!

Oh, you are the smartest man
in the whole world.

Honey, let's just
forget about this audit.

We'll run from the government
and the kids.

We'll set off
across the country,

and we'll sell lawn furniture!

Oh, God, I love you!

Oops. A split end.

Yeow!

Al, what are you doing?

Bud!

Honey, you'll never guess

what your father just sold
for $ .

Well, sure, I would.
He sold your hair.

Oh, ho, ho! No, silly.

God. The lawn furniture.

Right, Al?

Well, we'll just
discuss that

when you wake up
in the morning.

Oh, no!

Oh, yes.

Oh! Oh, no.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Oh, Peg...

Come to bed.

I'm not sleepy.

I can wait.

[SINGING TUNE
TO BRAHMS' "LULLABY"]

Well...

I passed math.

French too,
and I'm not even taking that.

What are you doing up, Mom?

I'm waiting
for your father to go to sleep.

Kelly, he wants to sell my hair.

What am I gonna do?

Wear a pig nose

and dance in the street
for crumbs?

Just kidding, Mom. Good night.

Kelly, honey,

you know, when you were a baby,

I used to get up every morning
at noon to feed you.

The least you can do
is listen to my problems.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I've got the coffee
if you need it.

Is Al asleep?

I don't know.

Let's see.

[IMITATES SNORING]

Hair tease.

Can you believe him?

With all the hair
in his nose, ears

and on his back,

and he wants mine.

It's hair envy,
is what it is.

It's because
they lose theirs

and we don't,

and they hate us
for it.

They have no respect
for our hair.

They only use it to pull us up,
to pull us down.

You know,
one day I'm just gonna say,

"Hey, use your own hair
to wax that car."

Kelly's right.

She's got the morals
of an alley cat,

but she's right.

We give men too much.

We give them our trust,
our love, our support.

We give them $
to take us to the prom

and not tell anyone
they're our cousin.

But they do,

and then you're
the laughingstock

of the entire school.

And he winds up
in the backseat of your car

with some fat slut
named Roberta.

And you have to take
the bus home!

Some prom, huh?

Anyway...

I say we women must
draw the line at our hair.

It serves a purpose.

Like when you see a guy
with really great buns,

it's your hair that says,
"Saddle up, cowboy."

"Rope me. Brand me.
Break my spirit."

Oh, yeah,
and I'm the alley cat.

Well, there's no reasoning
with Al.

If I'm gonna keep my hair,

I'm just gonna
have to stay awake

until that trial.

Then I'll have years
of peace.

Don't you worry
about a thing.

We'll stay up with you.
Won't we, Kelly?

Darn right.

Our six eyes will b*at as one.

Well, good.

We'll sleep
in shifts.

Marcie, you take
the first one.

Kelly, you take
the second.

Marcie, you take
the third.

Right.

Just let him try to get past us.

For tonight,
we are woman.

[AL SIGHING]

[SNIP]

Well, I'm all packed for prison.

Have a nice time, Daddy.

Come on, Dad,

you've got two more days
till the audit.

Why wait? I'm guilty.

What's my defense?
Your mother's an idiot?

Besides, I deserve
to be punished.

I married your mother.

So long, kids.

Let me know who wins
this year's Bud Bowl.

Come on.

Now, surely you can make $
in two days.

[SPUTTERS]

Thanks, son.

Your love's gonna make
those years just fly by.

Now, I'm gonna need
some toilet paper,

two-ply, white.

A harmonica.

Oh, and a picture of Mommy

in case thoughts of escape
cross my mind.

You know, Kel, maybe
I should get Dad something

to remind him of me.

Fine.

Pack him
some Clearasil

and, uh, underwear
with holes in it.

Hi, Al.
Whatcha doin'?

I'm headed for prison.

Oh.

Well, I got a problem.

You're probably wondering
why I'm not at work.

I'm looking
at years, Steve.

Uh-huh.

I'll bet you think I was fired,
but I wasn't.

I quit.

I'll tell you, you wouldn't
believe the politics

that goes on backstage
at a pet shop.

They're putting me in
with K*llers, Steve.

I mean, there I am,

putting down fresh paper
under the macaw--

Which liked me,
by the way,

and don't think
that wasn't noticed.

--when Zeke decides to make
a power play.

He wants birds.

Suddenly,
fish isn't good enough for him.

So he breaks bread
with the owner.

Next thing I know,
he's got his hands on my bird,

and I'm up to my patootie
in guppy poo.

Steve,
I'll tell you what.

What say I make you
a nice license plate

that says
"I'm a bore"?

Would that make you
feel better, buddy?

No, it wouldn't, Al.

You know what'd
make me feel better?

To be the outdoorsman
I was born to be.

Al...

I wanna be
a rodeo clown.

You know, something
with the land.

Thing is,
how do I tell Marcie?

Well, now, see, that is
a thorny one, Steve.

What say I give that
some thought

while I'm making
my marriage vows

in a prison chapel
to a guy named Rock?

Okay, okay,
this is something

a man's gotta work out
for himself.

I know.

I'll call my mom.

She always told my Dad
what to do...

until he k*lled
himself.

Oh, and Al,

when you're in prison,

if you run into James Brown...

you tell him for me

there's one white dude out there
who thinks he got a raw deal.

Is there no one
who can ease my pain?

Al, honey, great news.

Uncle Toppee called.

He pulled some strings,

and he got you a cushy gig
in the prison hospital.

You're gonna be
a guinea pig

in the experimental
medicine ward.

And you thought
he didn't like you.

Would you get me
cigarettes, kids?

I need lots of cigarettes.

It's for
my new boyfriend.

Well, Al, if he only
smokes after sex,

a half a pack'll
do ya.

Aw, that's a good one.

I'm gonna
miss you, Peg.

Well, I guess unless
you're gonna cut your hair,

I'll be going.

Well, I'll see you,
I guess,

in a decade or two.

Bye, Dad.
Bye, Dad.

Bye.
See you.

Very nice. Very nice.

No "Oh, Dad, please don't go"?

No "Oh, Al, yes,
I'll cut my hair"?

Not even a "Shane,
Shane, come back"?

Honey, no one wants you
to go to prison,

but we're talking about my hair,
for God's sake.

Why is everybody
staring at me?

I'm not the only one
in this family with hair.

Bud, what about you?

Yeah, right, I'd be
quite the lady-k*ller

as a -year-old bald kid
with no money.

"Yul Bundy."

Well, don't look
at me.

I've got finals
coming up.

Peg?

I don't wanna cut my hair.

We're talking about prison, Peg.

Prison.

Oh, Leo,
it's beautiful.

With this on my head,

I can walk proud again

and forget all about
that woodpecker incident.

What a day, huh?

Well, that's .

Pleasure doing
business with you, Bundy.

Any time, Leo.

Listen, how's the wife
fixed for fingernails?

Well, maybe now
is not the time.

Wear it in good health,
Marie.

Thank you.

Hey, if you ever
change your mind

about that lawn
furniture...

He's gone.

Oh! We did it!

Five thousand dollars.

Oh, Al, that's more
than we'd make

if you had an education.

Pretty good for a guy
stupid enough to marry you, huh?

Oh, ho, ho...

Well, now I'll go pay my taxes,

and then the only prison
I'll be in

is the one I created for myself.

Honey, before you go,

I think you'd better walk Buck
over by Marcie's roses.

He's still constipated.

Ah, all right.

He should be eating
what I've been eating.

Worthless fleabag.

Honey, you think the Privetts
will figure this out?

Well, why should they?
It's real hair.

Come on, boy.