04x15 - Rock and Roll Girl

[bunniefuu]

All right.
Are the doors locked?

Check.

Windows bolted?

Check.

Car disabled?

Check.

Good boy, Bud.

There is no way
your daddy's getting
out of here

this allowance day.

Where is he?

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Ah, that's him.

Take your positions.

[BARKS]

There he is.
There he is.

[ALL TALKING]

Come back
here.

Dad...

PEG:
Give us
our money!

KELLY:
Come on.

Give me that
money!

Get off
me!

Back, you savages.
Back!

All right, here's your
stinking allowance.

[YELLING]

Another
Hallmark moment.

Peggy, what are
you doing?

[MUFFLED]
It's allowance day.

Allowance day?

Al, you are a pig.

How dare you make them
grovel like this.

Al, Kelly had
her hand

on a quarter
that I wanted.

[MUFFLED]
Prove it.

Open up. I know
it's in there.

No, it's not
in there! No! No!

This is a disgrace,
even for you.

Groveling
on the floor for--

Oh, look.

See a penny,
pick it up.

All the day
you'll--

[SCREECHING,
CLAMORING]

Excuse me!

But I believe the rest
of that money you took

was in my pockets.

[MUFFLED]
Prove it.

You see how
barbaric

this allowance
idea is, Al?

Look at them.

[MUMBLING]

These were once
human beings.

Now, I think
you would all

feel better
about yourselves

if you all
got jobs.

[LAUGHTER]

Now, that would hurt
this man.

Tear him apart.

Now, he's the wage
earner, here,

and that's how
it's gonna stay.

Eh, big fella?

Yeah.
We love him.

You know,
Marcy just gave me
an idea.

Two, actually.

One: I want to have
chicken for dinner tonight.

And, two: I'm discontinuing
your allowance.

[THUMP]
Ow!

Kelly,

it's not right
to stomp on
adults.

Besides, it
wouldn't hurt you

to earn
your own keep.

Why, you're included
in this too, Peg.

[THUMP]
Ow!

Then it's settled.

Today will be
Bundy dollar day.

Each one of you
will go out

and try to earn
one lousy, stinking dollar

just to see
what it's like.

How does that sound?

No way.
Forget it.

Try it on
your other
family.

I think it's
a great idea, Al.

But what they need
is incentive.

So...what Al
is going to do

is match
anything you make.

Double it,
dollar for dollar.

Wait a second.
If I double it,

that could get
into some serious
money, here.

These three
could make, uh...

Ha, ha.
What the hell.

I'll triple it!

How many cups
in two cups?

How would I know?

Bud, why do people keep on
giving you quarters?

It's not important, Kel.

What is important,
though,

is that it's too slow.

Now we've got to
get you a job.

A job? Me?

God did not create
this package to work.

Well, he didn't create it
to be used

as a serving tray
at a bikers' party, either.

Just relax, Bimbelina.

Hey, here's a likely
prospect for you.

"Totally, completely,
utterly nude."

Oh, so what
would I be doing?

You're right.

We'll just keep on
looking until we find

"totally, completely,
utterly stupid."

Hey, look.
The Gutter Cats
are in town.

They're making
a rock video here.

The Gutter Cats?

Oh man, if I could pick
one group to have my baby,

it would be them.

Just sit back
and move your lips

while you listen.

"Slutty girls needed for
meaningful music video."

Kelly...go get changed
into your sleaziest dress.

Which one?

The one Dad calls
your belt.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Bud, I want this so bad.

What if I'm not
slutty enough?

I'd die.

Not slutty enough?

Baby,
you've got tramp

written all over
your face.

Thanks, Bud.

Do you really think
I have a chance?

I mean, what if
those other girls

are prettier
than I am?

Not a chance.

I mean, come on,
look at them--

Whoa.

Get yourself
a Milk-Bone.

Look...
you're my agent.

Get me the job
and earn your percent.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT:
Hey, Cecil,
phone call for you.

I'll see what
I can do, Kel.

[SIGHS]

Hello, ladies.

I'm, uh, Bud
Jagger-Richards...

the power
behind the band.

Now...
as you all know,

we're doing
a rock video here.

One that will be setting

a new standard
of excellence

in the video realm.

So how many of you
have high moral values?

You are
dismissed.

And you call
yourselves sluts.

Alrighty.

Now...we're going to be
asking you girls

to do some things
in this video

that may not seem
humanly possible.

So...I'd like to start

by having a little
pre-audition audition.

So, miss, uh...

would this offend you?

[WHISPERING]

That's disgusting.

Next!
Damn.

My dear...would you
be offended

if perhaps
you were asked to...

[WHISPERS]

No, I wouldn't.

Are you sure
you heard me right?

Very sure.

[WHIMPERING]

Hold my calls.

Hi.

What part
are you here for?

Slutty girl.

Me too.

You know,
the other girls left

because they didn't
want the band

to rip their
hair out
by the roots.

It grows back.

You know,

there's reading required
for this job.

I can read.

[WHISPERS]
sh**t.

Change?

I'll be right with you.

You see that guy
over there?

That's
the drummer.

He likes you.

He says minutes
with him, you've got
the part.

Well,
I've done worse.

[WHISPERS]

Oh, man, we're gonna
look at sluts.

They're not sluts.
They're ladies.

Okay, which ladies
are here for the slut?

One slut?
That's all we get?

I thought
we were famous.

What he means is,
you got the part.

Does this belong to you?

Yeah. Only a few
more payments.

What did you do
this time, Peg?

Well, I was trying to
earn money like you said.

So I set up
a tollbooth of my very own

in a good location:

at the airport.

They already got
a tollbooth at the airport.

Yeah,
but mine's cheaper.

[LAUGHING]

How much is the fine?

Two hundred dollars.

But, because this is
her first offense,

and obviously,
all your money

is tied up
in, uh...despair...

I'm gonna let her off
with a warning.

Oh, that's nice.

Well, Al,
maybe now you can get rid

of that bumper sticker
that says,

"Support higher education.

Send a cop
to first grade."

[SILENTLY MOUTHING]

Uh, ma'am...
would that be

the illegally-
parked vehicle

with the broken
taillight?

Yes. But you can't
give him a ticket

because his registration
is expired.

So there.

Now, I'll just
go out

and take care of that
bumper sticker for you.

Thank you,
Officer.

[g*nsh*t]

What a lousy sh*t.

That bumper sticker
was nowhere near

your back window.

Can I have
my allowance now, Al?

No.

Look, Peg, I'm not asking
for the impossible:

a quick, painless death.

All I want you to do
is earn one lousy dollar.

Just find something
you do best

and get someone
to pay you for it.

Oh. Okay.

How about giving me $
for sex tonight?

That's only
$ a minute, Al.

Peg, I forgot
to tell you

it has to be something
someone wants.

Well...you know,

I'm sure that
the early cavemen

didn't
want fire either

until they got over
their fear of it.

Peg...you're qualified
for lots of things:

spirit squasher...

hope dasher...

age accelerator.

That's enough,
thank you.

You know,
I should be paid plenty

for the dangers I face
around this house.

You think your underwear
just stops dancing

all on its own?

I stalk it,
I club it...

I trick it
into the hamper!

You try doing that
once a week

and see if you don't
deserve hazard pay.

Peg, I'd probably
be more appreciative

if you waited till
I took them off first.

Now, there must be
something you can do

to earn
a lousy dollar.

Oh, all right, Al.

I'll just
have to concentrate.

Just give me a hug
for good luck.
[GRUNTS]

Don't even
think about it.

Earn this.
Cook that.

Don't steal.

Boy, talk
about the bloom

being off the rose.

The fight on yet, Al?

Coming on
any minute.

NEWSCASTER:
Finally, on the lighter side
of the news,

the rock group
the Gutter Cats are in town

to tape their new video.

Auditions for the role
of rock slut

were held earlier today.

Yummy, yummy.

Eager young women

came from as far as
Bloomfield Hills, Michigan,

to give their all
for the Gutter Cats.

Oh, man. Look
what it looks like

before you marry it.

I'm telling you, Al,

rock is
where it's at.

Did I ever tell you
I was in a rock band
in high school?

Even had a cool name:

The Tuxedos.

Steve, I'm trying
to watch the girls.

Yeah, gradually, though,
I split from the group.

Creative differences.
Well, actually,

not enough parts
for my instrument.

But you haven't lived

till you heard my solo
on "Grazing in the Grass."

My sousaphone
wailing...

the crowd
on their feet--

Steve, shut up,
will you?

Ok, but
it's a good story.

Hey, look at
that blond

all over the singer
like a coat.

Oh, boy, I'd like
to give her a--

Oops. Sorry, Al.
That's your daughter.

Kelly, stop that!
Stop that, Kelly!

Hang on, pumpkin.
Daddy's coming.

I'll be
right there.

Stay there, pumpkin!
Daddy's coming!

Gutter Cats video.
Take one.

One, two, three...

[***]

* Shewalked in *

*That was enough *

* I'venever seen
Such a beauty queen *

* Look so rough *

DIRECTOR:
Where's the girl?

Cue the girl!

[BANGING]

* Tell me honey *

* Do you think
There's a place for you *

* In my brain? *

* Tell me, baby *

* Should I even
Mention now *

* The teen
Magazines? *

DIRECTOR:
The singer.

You're supposed to dance
with the singer.

But I like him
better.

DIRECTOR:
Cut! Cut!

DIRECTOR:
Cue the girl.

[***]

* She walked in *

* That was enough *

Oh!

Hey! Hey, this box
was in my way.

DIRECTOR:
Cut!

[YAWNING]
Gutter Cats video.
Take .

[SNAP]

Action.

DRUMMER:
One, two, three...

[***]

DIRECTOR [TIRED]:
Cue the girl.

* She walked in *

* That was enough *

* I never seen
Such a beauty queen *

* Look so rough *

DIRECTOR:
To the right.

Your other right.

And don't
look at the camera!

I'm not!

Cut!

She stinks.

ALL:
Who cares?

Okay. We'll give her
another chance.

There's got to be
something she can do.

[***]

* Tell me, honey *

* Do you think
There's a place for you *

* In my brain? *

AL:
Where's my little
baby?

Where's
my little baby?

Where's my girl?

Hi, Daddy.
Look, I'm in a video.

* Do you think
There's a place for you... *

DIRECTOR:
Cut! Cut!

What do you want?

Your liver
on a stick.

That's my little girl
up there.

Kelly, get down!

[YAWNS]

Boy, am I b*at.

Hi, Dad.
I'm engaged.

Good. I'll move
into your room.

Untie your sister.
We're getting out of here.

Say, you can't
take the girl.

Gee, that's funny.
I think I can.

Dad, I'm sorry,
but as Kelly's agent,

I'm gonna have to
pull rank here.

Bud, your shirt's
on backwards.

Now, you may have
sweet-talked--

You may have
sweet-talked a couple
of innocent kids

into doing this trash,

but now you're talking
to a man!

And there's no way,
nohow--

Say, you know, you've got
a strong profile.

I bet you'd look good
on camera.

You're not the first
to have told me that.

Not sissy good looks,

but ruggedly
handsome, huh?

Yeah. Right?

Super.
Great.
Terrific.

Uh, could somebody
get me down from here?

Quiet, pumpkin.

Daddy's talking
to the band.
Say...

how would you like
to be in our video?

How much are we
talking about?

Three thousand dollars.

What do I
have to do?

Just sit in the car,
look cool,

and we'll
handle the rest.

Uh, guys,

could-could somebody please
get me down from here?

Guys.

Boy, I hate this.

This is the second time
this week

somebody has chained me
to a fence and wandered off.

Okay, Kelly...

[HARD ROCK PLAYS ON TV]

...you made $ .

Tripled, that
comes to $ .

And as your agent,

my cut comes
to simoleons.

And tripled,
that's $ .

Ah.

Well, Al, that
leaves you with $ .

Aren't you proud of us?

[MOANS]

Would you like your
pain medicine now, honey?

[MUMBLES]

Oh, well,
that will be $ .

And tripled,
that comes to $ .

Hey, look. Kelly's part
on the video's coming up.

* ...Mention now
The teen magazines? *

* The teen magazines
Baby *

* Teen magazines*

Here's your
part, Daddy.

Yay, Dad!

Very good,
honey.

Very good.

But, you know,
they should have used

the second take.

That was the one
where Dad actually
caught fire.

Nah, he ruined that one.

You could tell
he was unconscious.

Well, kids...now,
we all have some money.

Let's go
shopping.

Oh, Al,
if the phone rings,
it's Mom.

She's gonna ask

if she can come
and visit for a month.

Now, if you don't want her to,
just tell her.

Otherwise, she's coming.

Somebody hand me
my hamburger?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Oh!

Oh!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RINGS]

Oh, no.

[RINGS]

No.

Buck,
get the phone, boy.

[RINGS]

Buck,
get the phone, boy.

[RINGS]