04x21 - Rain Girl

[bunniefuu]

Okay, honey.
It's ready.

All right. What would you
like to start with?

Something light.

The gas bill.

Pen.

Bromo.

Mortgage.

Pepto.

Department store.

Shotgun.

Al...can't you
go any faster?

Let's pretend
we're upstairs.

I know.
I'll yell, "Not yet."

That always seems
to speed you up.

Oh, I'm sorry, Peg.
Am I bringing you down?

Well, let me try
another attitude.

* Oh, man, we're broke
Cha, cha, cha *

* Everybody flat broke
Cha, cha, cha *

* Living in the gutter
Cha, cha, cha *

* Early grave
Cha, cha, cha *

All right. Now,
everybody, sh**t me!

Kiss me
with a hammer.

What's the matter, honey?

It's that school place.

They want me to be a stupid
intern at some stupid station.

Channel .

Nobody watches Channel .

Cosmic Dog is
a pretty darn good show.

God, it's so unfair.

They gave all
the cool assignments

to the kids
who were awake.

They're gonna
make me work nights.

So now, come dawn,

when we're wondering
where you are,

we'll just check
the TV station

instead of the bushes.

Oh, go dance alone
in your underwear.

Al, the kids
are arguing again.

Would you talk to them?

Talking to them won't
make them go away, Peg.

Besides, I have to concentrate
on this raise thing.

It's time I got
my dignity back.

Come on, Bud, let's get
some Windex and a squeegee

and hit the off-ramps.

Daddy needs to
buy a power tie.

Mom, what am I
gonna do?

If I don't do
this stupid intern thing,

I won't graduate.

Hm...graduation.

Kelly...maybe it's time
we had a little talk.

You're getting
to be a big girl now,

and there's something
I've been putting off

telling you for a while.

But time is
slipping by quickly,

and I don't want you to learn
about it on the street.

Honey, ahem...there is
a thing out there

that men will
want you to do.

In fact, they'll
expect it.

Now, no woman
really enjoys it,

but we do it,
get them to marry us

and then never
have to do it again.

That horrible thing
is called...

work.

Hold me, Mom.
I'm scared.

Aw, I know. I know.

But, honey, the important thing
is to do it early,

whileyou're still young.

That way...when your husband
comes home reeking of beer,

wanting some loving, you'll
follow that fat rump upstairs.

Because you'll know...
that no matter how disgusting

the next three
minutes will be...

it still beats
the hell out of work.

Thank you, Mom.
You're so wise.

Ah, well.

You know, you can't sit
on a sofa hours a day

and not learn something.

Okay, who ordered
the coffee?

I did.

Who is that?

It's our new intern.

But what we need is a gimmick
to get the ratings up.

Look. I made it cloudy
way up in the pointy states.

Come on, Al.

What is it
you're gonna tell us?

Is it about
your raise?

Ah, ah, ah, Peg.

Not till the whole
family's here.

This news is so big,

I even want the girl
to hear it.

There we go.

It's time.

Family--

Mom, Dad, I just got a job
for $ a week.

Are you kidding me?

I can't believe that.

Oh, we're
rich!
We're rich!

Oh, Mom.

Oh, Mom. She's
finally turning pro.

Oh, a successful
Bundy.

Oh, Al...

come and brownnose
with us.

Why should I?
You're already doing a good job.

I'm sorry, honey.

You had
an announcement too.

Did not.

Come on, Dad,
tell us.

We're really
interested.

Well, okay.

Well, today I made
my stand at work.

I fought, I threw myself
on the ground,

I screamed like a woman.

But I finally got
what I was after.

Folks, you're looking at a man
with a $ a week raise.

Gee, Kelly...
Kelly...

Hurry up, Dad.
She's gonna be
on in a minute.

Well, I still think it's
a pretty unfair world

when someone who doesn't even
have a high school diploma

makes more than
someone important,

like a Ph.D.
or a...shoe salesman.

Oh, honey...you may
not make much money,

but Kelly will never have
the satisfaction of saying,

"I used to play
a little high-school ball."

You know, son, one day
you'll have a girl

just like the girl
that's k*lling
dear old Dad.

Shut up, Al.

Oh, she's coming on.

ANNOUNCER:
And now the Action Weather,

with meteorologist
Bill Palomino.

And, yes, girls,
I'm still single.

Now, let's have some fun.
Let's do weather.

It's still sunny
here in Chicago,

but up in Washington,

they're expecting
more clouds.

Right, weather bunny?

Right-o,
Bill.

Look, folks, it stays up there
all by itself.

And we have
tornado warnings for--

Excuse me, Bill.

But I have a little
inside tip for our viewers.

You see these
little clouds?

Now, they won't stick
to just anything.

Look.

Now, kids,
don't try this at home.

Back to you, Bill.

Oh. Look at her, Al.

The product
of our love.

That's not surprising,
is it, Peg?

Oh, Al, I know you're
a little down,

what with Kelly
making more in a day

than you made
in the ' s.

But, as far
as I'm concerned,

you're still the man
in the house.

Thanks, Peg.
What's for dinner?

Veal.

I hate veal.

Oh, I know,
but Kelly wanted it.

And so,
as you can all see,

Kelly Bundy overcame
blinding poverty

to become the star
she is today.

And remember...later,
there will be a chance

for all of you to purchase
some of her bath water.

So now,
if you'll just wave

to Kelly's mother
on the way out...

We'll conclude
the tour

with the car that Kelly
was conceived in

and the garage
where she was born.

Oh, Al...isn't
this exciting?

He didn't even
introduce me, Peg.

Well, you know,
we discussed it,

but the legend seemed
to work better with you dead.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, God. What a day.

Clouds just
would not stick.

I'm bleeding for you.

Pass me a bread stick,
dear.

Al...she reaches
for a living.

She should relax
when she's at home.

Excuse your father, honey.
He's an idiot.

Peggy...tell Bud I don't have
to pay to get in here.

That's
right, Bud.

I sold her
a lifetime pass yesterday.

Kelly, I've got
to ask you a question.

I am sorry,
but I am not allowed

to reveal tomorrow's weather
until tomorrow.

To hell with the weather.

Give me the poop on Palomino.

Boy, there's one warm front

I wouldn't mind settling
over me for a few days.

Well, actually,
he's not the nice man

that he appears to be.

I mean, just today
after the weather,

when I, like America,

wondered aloud
where East Dakota was...

he went
to the station manager

and said,
"Either the bimbo goes or I go."

Well, it looks
like things

will start to get back
to normal around here now.

So I guess the next tour
comes through here,

you'll be selling
my bath water.

Yeah, right, Al.

Like I really kept it
for five years.

I'm sorry you lost
your job, Kelly.

My job? They canned him
like a tuna.

I mean...after all,

I am the one
in the short skirt.

And you always
will be, honey.

Oh, your first job.
How exciting.

Working during
your high school years.

That's what I did.

While everyone else
was out having fun.

But I was saving
for a college education.

And that's
what it went for.

My sister's
college education.

Ah! And, of course,
Mother wouldn't dream

of asking her to work.

No. Because sis was too
pretty and too delicate

to be hauling around
slabs of meat.

Now she's a physicist,

and I can stuff
a sausage

with one hand
tied behind my back.

So everything
worked out.

I guess what
I'm trying to say is...

what happened
to my life? My youth?

Peg, do you mind,
here?

All I want is
my fair share.

To go to the prom.
To work on a float.

To have a date
with a boy

instead of a pork shoulder
I'd call Vinnie.

Peggy, do I deserve
to be treated like this?

I mean--

[MOUTHS WORDS]

God. She needs a date
worse than I do.

Mom, she really
depressed me.

Oh, honey,
it's all right.

I know what would
make you feel better.

Al, tell us again
about your raise.

[LAUGHING]

How much was it?

Oh, you're
the greatest, Mom.

But I really do
need some advice.

Mom, I'm on the horns
of an enema.

See...in order to be
the weather girl,

I'd have to work full-time,
and that would mean

I'd have to quit school.

Oh. Gee, Kelly.

Quitting school's
a big step.

I mean, that's where
we get our pens and pencils.

And our little
cartons of milk.

Al, talk to her.

What's left to say,
Mama Walton?

Come here, young lady.

Now, Kelly...you've got
to stay in school.

It's important
for your future.

Now, look at me.

If I didn't have
a high school diploma,

I'd just be a...

Well, maybe I'm not
a good example,

but...it does help
other people.

You know, lawyers,
doctors, astronauts...

Everybody except me.

Daddy?

Give Daddy
a second here.

What happened to me?

I'm not a stupid man.

Oh, well.

It's important
to stay in school.

You can command
a much bigger salary

with a high school diploma
than without it.

How much they gonna pay you
to be this...weather girl?

Well...the contract
is for three years at, um...

$ , a year.

All right. High school
is for dummies.

Now, I wanted to pull you out
of the seventh grade,

but your mother
and that county

wouldn't let me.

What about
the astronauts, Al?

You name one that's
doing better than
my little girl here.

Now, pumpkin, you're
going to need a manager.

Should be somebody
close to you,

maybe a family member,
someone you can trust.

Well, I trust you,
Daddy.

And I love you,
pumpkin.

Now, I know
you want Daddy,

but he doesn't
come cheap.

Because, see, I'm gonna
have to retire

from the shoe business
to manage you.

Al...can't you sell shoes
and rob Kelly

at the same time?

Shut up, Peg,
if you want to live here

with me and my baby.

Now...I'll take
percent of the gross.

What's "gross" mean?

She's some special little girl,
isn't she, Peg?

Oh, Daddy,
can I ask a favor?

Kelly, you don't even
have to ask.

Peg, take the boy and the dog
and get out of here.

No, Dad. I want to know
if I could get a Porsche?

They said I could
have one

if you would co-sign
the loan for me.

Yeah, right. So I would
be responsible for it.

Forget it. You don't
need a Porsche.

Why, for the same
amount of money,

you could have
my old Dodge.

Come on, Kelly.
Daddy's not the only
parent you've got.

Forget it, Peg.

You can have a percentage
of our son Buck.

Bud.

Bud, Buck.
What's the difference?

Take them both.
Kelly's my baby.

And if my baby
wants a Porsche,

a Porsche
she shall have.

Hey, Dad, can we stop
for ice cream?

We sure can,
if you're paying.

Veal again?

Kelly likes veal.

If Kelly wanted my head
on a platter,

would you do it
for her?

Honey, for a quarter mil
a year,

I'd make Bundy-kabobs
out of you and your father.

Family babes.

How's it going?

Al, that suit must have
cost a fortune.

Hey, nothing's
too good for me.

Peg, I'm telling you,
I'm a changed man.

You're looking at
a whole new Al Bundy.

Did you get Kelly's
contracts all finalized?

Well, just a couple of
sticky points to iron out.

Tomorrow I'm bringing out
the big g*ns.

Gonna get me one of them
high-class Sears lawyers.

Oh, I quit my job too.

Yeah, they begged me to stay,
but I laughed in their faces.

I told them, "Hey! If I need
an extra bucks a week,

I get it
from my little girl."

Aw, gee, honey...

who would have thought
that big seconds

you spent years ago

would pay off like this?

And you said
it wasn't any good.

Aw!

Well, I'm getting
all A's in school.

And my teacher said
if I keep it up,

I could make school
valedictorian.

Yeah.
That and cents

will buy you
a bag of chips.

Yup. Time to watch
our little meal ticket

do the weather.

I'm nervous, Al.

Chill out, babe.
All she has to do

is read it off
the TelePrompTer.

ANNOUNCER:
And now,
our Action News Weather

with meteorologist
weather bunny Kelly Bundy.

Hello, everyone.

Oh, hi, Daddy.
I like my car.

Oh...by the way.

Jim here's too modest
to tell you,

but...he won
the big office pool

on how many people d*ed
in that train wreck in Peru.

Way to go, Jim.

Anyway, on to the weather.

"There is a...
strom...coming to..."

You know, that reading tutor
is really paying off.

"To...Chick ago."

NEWS ANCHOR:
Chicago!

Uh-oh. There's a strom
coming to us?

What's a strom?

NEWS ANCHOR:
Storm!

Why don't they just
put some peanut butter

on her gums,
like they did with Mr. Ed?

"Winds are up to ...
mphs."

NEWS ANCHOR:
That's miles per hour,
you idiot!

Hey, I'm not
an idiot.

I happen to be
a meterlalologist.

Dork.

Anyway, "Strom clods
are forming--"

NEWS ANCHOR:
Clouds!

Strom clouds--
Oh!

Never mind.
Somebody get her off.

I'm ripping up
her contract.

She's gone.

All A's, huh?

I know what
you're thinking, Al.

If only you'd let Kelly sign
her contract when she wanted to,

we'd be rich.

Or are you thinking,

"You know, if I had
the brain of a goldfish,

I could get
a better job"?

I guess I ought to
get my job back, huh?

Well, I don't know, Dad.

You might be
a little rusty.

Are you sure
you can still do this?

[LAUGHING]

Ha-ha.
Ah, I love you guys.

What a disaster, huh?

Well, the real k*ller
was the Porsche.

Well, how bad could
the depreciation be?

She only drove it
miles.

That can only be what,
about , , dollars?

[TELEPHONE
RINGS]

Hello.

It's Kelly
on her car phone, Dad.

Kelly?

Yes, we still love you.

Yes, I'm glad
you like your car.

Of course you can
keep it after this.

She is an idiot.

Kelly...be very,
very careful.

Drive very carefully.

Yes, we still love you.

Be very, very careful.

Thank God, she's just
right down the street.

Ah, here she comes.

Easy, Kelly.

Easy, Kelly. Ah.

Thank God.
She's in the garage.

You know, Peg, if anything
happened to that Porsche,

my life would be--

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[TELEPHONE
RINGS]

Hello?

It's Kelly
on her car phone, Dad.

Tell her hi for me.

So, what's up?

Dad mad?

No. He's just a little...
concerned for your safety.

Come on in.