04x22 - The Agony of De Feet

[bunniefuu]

Feet...

Feet!

No more feet!

Help me, please.

No more feet!

No more feet!

Help me!

Help!

Help!

[SCREAMING]

Feet!

Feet!

Al, honey, wake up.

You're having a dream.

Oh, Peg. Thank God.

For the first time
since the first time,

I'm glad to see you
in bed.

It was horrible, Peg.

There were feet
everywhere.

Oh, poor baby.

Let me get you
a glass of water.

[THEME FROM PSYCHO PLAYS]

[SCREAMING]

Feet!

Al, are you having

that stupid
foot dream again?

Go for it, baby.

Go for it.

Just touch anything!

Come on, Peg,

haven't we had
enough sex in our lives?

When does it
get to be over?

When you're
officially dead.

Now, get on!

Aren't my sleeping
nightmares enough?

I haven't had
a bit of sleep

in two weeks.

There's feet.
Feet everywhere.

I'm not going
to work tomorrow.

There'll be feet there.

You are such a baby.

You know, I have to
stare up your nostrils

all night long.

You don't see me
waking up

screaming, "Hair! Hair!"

You know,
if the toilet

was just a little bit
bigger...

ba-woosh.

I've got to
calm myself down.

I'm gonna get
a glass of water.

You can't do that, Al.

You'll disturb Marcy.

Why are you letting
her stay here?

Because she's lonely,
she's our best friend

and she's giving us
bucks a week.

I thought you said .

Well, I meant

I wish she was giving us
bucks a week.

You know,
so you could have some.

That's just great.

I can't sleep,

and I can't go downstairs
in my own house.

What am I supposed to do?

Well, we could play

"bring the Big Bad Wolf
over to this little Peggy."

You know, you'll huff,
and I'll puff, and, uh...

well, that'll be
about it.

I don't wanna!

Oh, save your whining
till it's over.

MAN [ON TV]:
It's your very essence I adore.

Your beauty
overwhelms me.

WOMAN:
Ah, Charles, take me.

Now.

Yes, Charles, take her.

And when you're done, take me.

[ROMANTIC STRING MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

[TURNS TV OFF]

I wonder what it feels like
to be in someone's arms again.

AL:
Please, Peg,
you're k*lling me!

[WHISPERING]
Hey, Kelly,

are you sure
this is okay?

'Cause last time,
your dad swung me
around the room

by my earring.

That's just 'cause
you touched his remote control.

Don't worry.

[BOTH YELL]

Kelly, help!

An old chick's got me!

You pig!

Ow!

I'm outta here.

I get enough of this at home
from my mom's friends.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Rhoades.

That was the third guy this week
that I was truly in love with

that you messed up for me.

Kelly...

sit down.

See, I have this--

Well, this problem.

I mean, it's really
very complicated.

You're a child.

I probably shouldn't even be
discussing it with you.

I doubt you'd even
understand.

Horny as a toad, huh?

Bingo.

Look, Kelly,

you're attractive,
in a cheap, tawdry sort of way.

What do I have to do
to attract a man?

Well, the magazines say
to try a new look.

You know, a new hairdo,
new lipstick.

Pry that jug
out of your mouth.

Well, and then there's
this business

with your wedding ring.

I mean, a pretty woman
can get away with it,

but...

I think I understand.

But I don't know.

It's just so hard for me
to take it off.

It's like admitting
to myself

that my marriage
is really over.

Which it obviously is...

and has been
since wiener-neck

left in the night
like a balding thief.

I should take it off,
but I just can't.

It's too sacred to me.

Fine.

Then we'll just
get you a cat pole.

It's off.

There.

I've done it.

Now I am truly free.

Why did it take me
so long to realize

when a simpleton like you
knew what I had to do?

I feel great.

I feel renewed.

I'm ready to fly.

Oh, yep.
From this point on,

Marcy Rhoades
soars like an eagle.

"Simpleton"?

I know that means
something bad.

Bud, what's a simpleton?

An idiot, a moron,

dolt, dullard, cretin.

You know, someone
a little smarter than you.

Hey.

Aw, look at Mrs. Rhoades.

Isn't she cute?

Peaceful as a baby.

I want her so bad.

Well, maybe
I can help you out.

Bud, I'm gonna let you in
on some secret woman stuff

that no other man knows.

Oh, man!

Now, shh.

If anybody knows
that I told you this,

the sisterhood would strip me
of my PMS privileges.

Now, you see, Bud,
when a woman sleeps,

her hormones accumulate,

which means
that when she wakes up,

she falls in love

with the first man
that she sees.

Now, if she stands up
and she hasn't seen anyone,

her hormones
will fall to her feet

and they will go
down the drain

when she showers.

Of course.

I've noticed that when
they're standing up,

no girls like me.

But we won't give
Mrs. Rhoades the chance.

Now, if I were you,

I would sleep here tonight
on the couch.

That way, you're
the first thing she sees

and the only thing
she wants.

Yowza!

What should I wear?

Your love clothes.

You know,
your cowboy jammies.

Your hormones.

My jammies.

You don't stand
a chance.

AL:
Feet!

Feet!

No more feet!

Oh...

Mrs. Rhoades!

Oh, great.

Cherry-flavored Zit-Away.

Now we'll see
who the simpleton is.

Heh heh.

[ALARM BUZZES]

Oh, no.

Good morning, beloved.

Oh, no!

Oh, no. I couldn't have.

How was it?

I was great.

She wa--

Kel, I can't
remember a thing.

Oh, wow.

You know, they say

if a man can't
remember anything,

it's the best
it'll ever be.

That's exactly
what it was like!

There must be
some sort of mistake.

[YAWNS]

Good morning.

My...you're up early.

What's going on?

Nothing. Nothing.

I'm late for home.

But nothing happened.

Nothing happened.

[SHRIEKING]

What's with her?

Too much
of a good thing.

Morning, son.

Morning, Al.

AL [THINKING]:
But, Mom,

I don't wanna work
in a shoe store.

AL'S MOM:
Don't worry, Al.

Just think of it
as a stepping stone.

Someday you'll be
the president
of your own corporation.

Thanks, Mom.

You want
your Bloody Mary now?

Yes, dear.

And rub my feet.

Excuse me.

Are you alive?

No, I've...d*ed
and gone to Switzerland.

I was wondering
if you could do me a favor.

No need to ask.

The cash register's
right over there.

The car's in the parking lot.

Just step on me
on your way out.

I would,
but I'm here on business.

I was wondering,

we need a place
to hold our pageant.

We'd like to use your store.

You can be a judge if you want.

Will, uh...

Will you be a contestant?

Oh, no.

I couldn't possibly compete
with these women.

Will you do it? Please?

[WEAKLY] Excuse me.

Yes!

Thank you!

Out of the emptiness,

the void
that is my life,

I now can see
the light!

I...am...alive!

I'll be there
with boobs on.

Bells.

Hey, you okay?

You seem
awfully nervous.

Me, nervous?

Don't be silly.
I'm fine.

Listen, Peggy,

I've got to ask you
something.

Have you ever done anything

that you didn't remember
the next day?

Well...

having the kids.

I mean, have you
ever done anything

that you really regretted?

Having the kids.

Mother.

Mama.

Ahh!

Gee, what's with him?

I know.

I bet he has
a little girlfriend.

Peg.

Peg leg.

Ahh!

Gee, you're
in a good mood.

What's wrong?

What could be wrong?

The sun is shining.
The birds are singing.

I'm a shoe salesman.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

A shower?

In the middle
of the week?

Now I know
something's wrong.

Al, you don't even know
where the soap is!

Well, babe...

you look good.

I obviously agree with you.

Look, let's clear the air.

Nothing happened.

I am absolutely, positively sure

nothing happened...

but if it did,
even though it didn't,

I don't want any rumors
getting around.

A gentleman never tells.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey, Bud, is this the one?

Yup.

Say "young stuff."

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Way to go, Bud.

Yeah. All right.

She's old.

You told your friends?

Like you haven't.

Look, babe...

I know what you're
feeling for me, but, uh...

I think it might be
healthier for the both of us

to continue
seeing other people.

I just hope I haven't
ruined you

for all other men.

Oh, very nice.

We have something special,
and now you just toss me asi--

Wait a second!

What am I talking about?

Nothing happened between us.

Nothing could happen
between us.

Nothing ever will
happen between us.

So that's it, huh?

Slam, bam,
thank you, Bud?

You used me.

I used you?

You're the one who said
we should see other people.

I didn't mean
to hurt you, babe.

But sometimes

the best way to hold
on to something

is to let it go.

Oh, bull.

You're just like
all the rest.

It's the age thing,
isn't it?

Look, uh,
let's not fight.

It cheapens the memory...

even though I don't
remember anything.

But we'll always have
whatever happened.

Which was nothing.

Whatever gets you
through the night.

Friends?

Friends.

Now, would it be
all right

if a friend
bought another friend

an ice cream cone?

Sure. Why not?

Oh, uh, by the way...
you are on the pill?

Oh, my God!

Yeah, and I'm the simpleton.

Tricking them
was as easy as one, two, "C."

Al, taking a shower

is more than
spraying your shirt

with deodorant.

I wanna know
where you're going

smelling like that.

Fine. I'll tell you,

but I don't want
any crying.

I'm going to judge
a beauty contest.

Hundreds
of beautiful women

will be hungering
after me.

[LAUGHS]

Where's the other judge
so we can start this?

I gotta get back
to my hot dog stand.

Don't worry.

Mr. Bundy will be here.

Let the games begin.

Excuse me,

but do you know

how we're supposed
to judge this?

Well, the way
I look at it,

we give two points
for talent,

two points
for personality

and, uh, points
for hooters.

You're a pig.

And you, sir, are a--

Oh, I'm sorry, madam.

I didn't know you were a woman.

Are you?

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Bring on the babes!

Yes, well,
without further ado,

judges, please
take your positions.

Hey, that's a great idea.

We can look up their dresses.

The gods have smiled
on Al Bundy!

PAGEANT MASTER:
And now, let us choose...

Chicago's ugliest foot!

Those aren't hooters.

Aah! Those are feet!

Feet! Aah!

There were feet everywhere.

Just feet.

Feet, I say! Feet!

PEG: It's all right
now, Al.

Let mama make it
all better.

All right.

[SCREAMS]