05x06 - Looking for Loans in All the Wrong Places

[bunniefuu]

[video game blasting]

Hyah!
Hyah!

Ooh-hah!

That was fun.
You're a way better
babysitter than Darlene.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah, you let me
out of my room.

Hey, I love these games.
We used to play them
all the time back in iowa.

Without
electricity?
What?

Darlene says there's
no electricity or lights
where you come from,

But that's okay,
'cause you can't
read anyway.

Oh, yeah? Well,
what else did she say?

You guys keep live
chickens in your kitchen

And k*ll them with
your bare hands.

Oh, really?
Yeah,

But there's one part
I don't get.

How can someone's sister
be their mom?

Hey.
Hey.

Hi, Molly.
Hi, David.

You can go now.

Okay. Just tell your mom
she can pay me tomorrow.

Oh, you didn't get
the money up front?
Well, you'll learn.

[southern accent]
well, she better pay,
'cause we're savin' up

So we can get us one of
them talkin' picture boxes.

Excuse me?
Oh, you know, now that
we got 'lectricity.

Bye-bye, now.

Why, thank you, David.
Sleep tight.

You're about to
become a strange smell
in the attic.

What are you
smiling about?
Nothing.

Oh, come on.
You don't go for that

Flirty, cutesy,
barbie-doll crap, do you?

I mean, she was
so obvious.

I don't know.
I guess for some guys,
it'd probably make 'em feel,

You know, like a man.

I can make you feel
like a man, David.

Take out the trash.

[theme]

[Roseanne laughing]

We're back!

Come on, come on.
I've been holding it in
since the illinois state line!

Hey, you drink the big gulp,
you suffer the consequences.

What a riot!
I haven't been

In the flatbed of a pickup
since I son't know when.

Here it is.
Iowa's best-selling
sandwich comes to Lanford.

Onasis had ships,
hilton had hotels,

[goofily]
we got loose meat.
[guffaws]

What reeks?
Your future.

Yeah, that smells
about right.

I can't believe you guys
drove all that way just to
copy some greasy diner.

Well, if we're gonna be
successful in business,

We're gonna have to
steal the idea
from somebody.

You should've
seen it, Darlene.

People were shoving loose meat
in their faces as fast as they
could get their hands on it.

Well, why not just
drop a carcass on the table

And let them gnaw
till they're full?

Hey. Don't step
on my buzz, okay?

This means a lot to me.
I would like to have
something to show for my life

Besides stretch marks.

I'm sorry.
I just can't believe
we're gonna make money

By clogging people's arteries
with the fat of poor,
slaughtered animals.

Cool, isn't it?

Yeah, don't knock it
till you've tried it,
Darlene. Come on.

Take a bite
for daddy.

Come on, Darlene.
All the really cool
kids are doing it.

You would be so
popular if you did.

All right,
get that thing
away from me.

I'm not gonna eat
some animal's face.

You don't eat the face.

You mount it
on the wall
as a tribute.

Okay, I've sketched out
their floor plan.

I say we stick
to the original
as best we can,

'cause whatever
they're doing works.

I'll tell you one thing
we're gonna do differently.

We're gonna put
a lock on the bathroom.

And the door.

D.J.! Darlene,
do you know if
he ate dinner?

Oh, I don't know.
I think Molly probably

Took him out back
and slopped him.

Would you please go get him?
I want him to come down and
taste one of these sandwiches.

Oh, did Molly say

How much I owe her
for babysitting?

You know,
funniest thing--

She said she couldn't
take money for
helping us out.

It wouldn't be
neighborly.

What a nice girl.

[Darlene]
D.J.!

Mom said that
she wants--

Oh, I'm sorry, Deej.
I didn't know
you were asleep.

Like I'm really
gonna buy that, you
stupid little loser.

What are you
up to?
Nothing.

Yeah? Well, then,
what's this?

I was looking
at the stars.

Hmm.

Oh, well, would you
look at that.

There's a constellation
in the shape of a naked
next-door neighbor.

I wasn't watching her.

You were peeping
at Molly.

She's your babysitter,
you little perv.

I didn't do it.
I hate girls.

You know what happens
the next time you do it?

I'm telling
mom and dad,

And then you get hauled off to
jail, where peepers like you
get their eyelids sewn shut

So they can
never peep again.

All right,
go downstairs.

Mom wants you to try
a loose-meat sandwich.

That's punishment
enough for now.

I knew she stuffed.

Well?
Yeah, what do
you think, Dan?

Did we get
the recipe or not?

Fruity, yet bovine.

And impudent
little sandwich.
Bingo.

Yes!
It's great. It's just
kind of hard to eat.

Well, see, therein
lies the beauty.

You drop half of it
on your lap, and then

You're forced to
buy another one.

I'll take another one.
Coming right up.

[giggling]

What?
It's just so
neat, you know,

Being in the kitchen
with my guy all hungry,
waiting for food.

Yeah, it really is
neat, you know?

And if you play
your cards right,
you get to do it

times a day,
every day,

Until one of you dies.

Okay, now, we got
the recipe and we've
got the money,

And Nancy's out looking
for the place,

So that means that
so far we have
the recipe and the money.

So, what we need now
is a real catchy name.

How about...
Lanford custom cycle?

I know where
you can get
a sign real cheap.

No, something
real catchy like,
sandwiches and stuff.

Lunch and munch.
Eat and go.

Beef and barf.

All right.
Let's think
about this, then.

Meat, beef.

Beefy.

Bun.
Sandwich.

Sandwich, bun.
The sandwich bun.
I don't have anything.

What's the matter
with you, D.J.?

You guys are in there
doing all this stuff
about the restaurant,

And I don't get to
do anything.

Oh, I'm sorry.
You know, it's
your restaurant too.

You can do whatever
you want to do.

Cool! I get to
name the place!
Well, uh, D.J....

Mom says I get to
name the restaurant.

Great. From the boy who
named his goldfish "fluffy."

Hey, he couldn't do
any worse than us.
Go ahead, give it a shot.

The lunch box.

That's pretty good.

"lunch box" it is.
Way to go, Deej.

Yeah, lunch box.

Hi, guys.
Guess what?
We found a place.

Great. 'cause we
got a name, and we
cracked the recipe.

Yeah, here,
taste it, Nance.

No, no. Wait.
Me first.

This is Kerry Thompson,
the realtor who's been
showing me around.

[Dan]
Hi, Kerry.
Hi.

Tell them
about the place.
Oh, okay.

You know the pizza palace
on route ?

Yeah, that's the place
with the mural

Of the last supper,
but everyone's
eating pizza.

Really, the place
is okay.

Tell them it's okay.
It's okay.

But we have a problem.
Tell them we have
a problem.

We have a problem.

I don't think you guys
have enough money.

What are you
talking about?
We have $ , .

Well, have your accountant
crunch the numbers,

But I haven't heard of
anyone opening up even
the smallest place

For under ,
thousand.

Not even if we skimp
on the health codes
and stuff?

I'm just being honest.

Well, we're screwed.
There's no way any bank's
gonna loan us a dime.

But you didn't
let me finish.
There's a thing we can do.

Tell them about the thing--
would you stop that?

I was telling Nancy that
we might want to try the
small business administration.

It's this government office
where people like you

Can go and get
start-up loans to
get your business going.

They're never gonna
give us any money.

Sure, they will.
We have
a legitimate idea.

We'll just go in there
and tell them the truth.

Sounds great.
We'll go down
tomorrow.

Tomorrow?
I can't come up with
the truth by tomorrow.

"donald bobeck""
donald-- that's
a friendly name.

Lot of friendly donalds.
Donald duck,
donald sutherland,

Uh, donald, uh, um...
"that girl's" boyfriend.

He was so friendly.
What was his last name?

Could you shut up?
What are you so
nervous about?

"Hollinger."

What?

"that girl's" boyfriend's
last name was Hollinger.

Oh, great. Well, could you
just keep that under your hat
until they ask?

Look at this
pamphlet here.

It's got this whole
section on minorities.

It says that they give
special consideration to
businesses run by women.

That's it.
That's our angle.

We're women.

I say we go
with it.

Thank god we all brought
our ovaries with us.

Hi, there.
Sorry to keep you
waiting.

Oh, that's okay.

We're all real patient,

Being women and all.

Uh, Mrs. Conner
and, uh...

Ms. Harris.

Just Nancy.
[clicks tongue]

Now, why don't you tell me
about this business
you want to start?

Well, okay.
Uh...

Well, it's
a restaurant, see?
But more.

A lot more.
We're gonna serve
loose-meat sandwiches.

"loose meat"?

Yeah, well, it's
kind of like, uh,

Early on, when mcdonalds
just started, you know?

Because the whole thing's based
on this hamburger thing,

Only ours looks really weird,
but then you can buy chips
and pie and stuff.

And pop.
In cans.

Interesting.

Have any of you had
previous experience in
running a restaurant?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I have.

I was, uh,

Well, the best waitress
at rodbell's.

I should have been put up
into management, but they
kind of held me back

Because I'm a woman.

And you, ms. Harris?

I have...

Hauled meat.

I have...

Eaten meat.

Nancy?

I'm gonna have to take
a pass on this one, don.

Which, of course,
we all know

Is a woman's
prerogative.

Well, we do have
special provisions

For minorities
and the handicapped.

I assume none of you
are handicapped.

I have kids.

I'm in therapy.

Mm-hmm. And what bank
will you be going through?

Oh, we're not going
through a bank.

Don, that's why
we're here!

No, no, no.
I don't think
you understand.

You see, what we do
here at the S.B.A. Is
guarantee the loan.

You still have to get
the money from the bank.

Well, so what do you call it
the small business
administration for?

What don't you call it
the "get your own damn
money administration"?

Mrs. Conner,
don't get excited.

Well, now, we came to you
to get some money.

So do you guys have
any money or not?

Well, we almost never
give direct loans.

The government
changed the rules.

Now we make a deal
with the bank so if
your business folds,

The bank will get most
of its money back.

Well, that sucks.

So you're in business
with banks.

What about us, you know?
Banks have tons of money,
and we don't got any.

Don't blow it, Roseanne.
This guy can help us
get a loan

If he wants to
recommend us.

Will you
recommend us?
Not likely.

Based on our
criteria,

We consider you...
A bad risk.

I'll tell you
what a bad risk is.

That's you sitting across
this desk from me,
calling me a bad risk.

[Jackie]
forget it, Roseanne.

You know, the S.B.A.
Is supposed to be set up
to help people like us.

Y'all don't know nothing
about people like us.

The trouble with people
who work for the government

Is y'all have jobs.

[rings]

Yes?

I think you should know
I was in my room
getting ready for bed,

And I saw your brother
watching me.

Again?

"again"?
Yeah, I caught him doing it
about a week ago.

And you didn't do anything?
Yeah, I told him he wouldn't get
much money for the pictures.

I told him to stop.
Thanks a lot
for all your help.

Look, what was
I supposed to do?
You could've told me.

Oh, I forgot.
You're not from
these parts.

Well, here in the big city,
when you change in front
of an open window,

You're not just
amusing the sheep.

Darlene, what do you
have against me?

Nothing. I just feel
that we're at that
point in our friendship

Where you should realize
that we don't have one.

I mean it.
What did I ever
do to you?

Is this because
David flirts with me?

I think you have that
backwards.

You're the one always pulling
the touchy-feely routine
every time he's around.

I was just trying to be nice.
Well, he's not used to being
treated that way, okay?

All right, look.

Maybe I came on a little
strong the other day,
but I was mad at you.

Just trust me.
I'm not interested
in David, okay?

Yeah, right.
And I'm sure David
doesn't like me.

I know that.
I didn't say he liked you.
I said, cut the boy-toy crap.

Okay.
I know he doesn't
like you.

Fine!
Fine!

So anyway, are you
gonna do something
about your brother?

Yeah, I'll take
care of it.

Well, I hope so,
'cause he could grow up to be
a really disturbed individual.

[chuckles]
you don't understand,
here, Molly.

This is the most normal
thing he's ever done.

Hey, at least
you tried.
[scoffs]

I guess now I'm
back to trucking.

Yeah, and I guess
I'm back to looking for

Some low-paying
crap job.

Don't worry, honey.
You'll find one.

Damn it, Dan,
I really wanted
this, you know?

I wanted it
really, really bad!

I know, rosie.
It's not fair!

I know, Jackie.

How come our lives
always have to be
the ones that suck, huh?

I don't know, rosie?
How come we never get one
little thing that we want?

I don't know, Jackie.

This is all
your fault, Jackie.
My fault?

Yeah! You're the one
that dragged that damn ray
of hope into this house.

I just can't believe
it's gonna end like this.

There's got to be somebody
to loan us the money.
How about Crystal and Ed?

Nah, they got kids
and a mortgage.

Chuck and anne-marie.
He's still looking
for work.

Gil and Patty.
No, they're barely getting by
like everybody else we know.

We got to get a better
class of friends.

There's got to be somebody
who can give us $ ,
like mom did.

It's an awful lot
of money.

What happened to the ,
I gave you last week?

Aw, cripes, mom,

We blew that on
candy and records.

Roseanne, I told you
it was a big mistake.

Now, hold on!
I didn't say no.

Just give me
a few minutes.

Well, now, you've got to
use your imagination, ma.

You know, you've got to
picture it full of people.

Yeah, it's gonna look
way different full of
people, mom.

It's not gonna look
so empty.

Yes, Jackie, I suppose
it is the kind of place

Your trucker friends
would frequent.

Would you like to see
the oven, mom?

I think I smell mice.

What are we doing?

This is our dream.
We can't have a dream
with mom in it.

Well, don't think about it
as asking for her help.

Think about it as
draining her nest egg.

[bev]
this water
is yellow!

Oh, god, oh, god,
oh, god!

Help me drain
the water here!

Listen, trust me,

This is the perfect place
to hit her up for money.

And if she says no,
it's the perfect place
to dump the body.

Well, I've decided.

I'm not going to
lend you the money.

Big, fat
waste of time.

However,
what I will do is

Put up the $ ,
and become your
fourth partner.

But I want you to know,
I'm not doing this for you.
I'm doing it for me.

I never had a chance
to do anything
like this before.

So, do we have a deal?

Deal.

This is where
the thunder claps
and the sky turns black.

I'll write you a check tomorrow.
You know what would look
great on these walls?

Some paintings I've been doing.
Painting-- I've been painting.

Listen.
Now, now, listen.

Listen.

Just think of it
like this, okay?

From now on,
you'll be able
to write off

Your therapy as
a business expense.

Your little brother's
doing it again.

I told you
I'd take care of it,
and I did. D.J.!

What are you calling
him down here for?
He'll never admit it.

Oh, he won't have to.
I put shoe polish on
the eye of his telescope

So he'll be branded
for the deviant
that he is.

What do you want?

Brilliant plan.
Should have worked.

Hey.

What?

Hi, guys! Guess what?
We found a place.

Great. 'cause we got a name,
and we cracked the recipe.

Yeah, yeah.
Here, taste it, Nance.

No, wait. Me first.

This is Kerry Thompson,
the realtor who's been
showing me around.

Hi.
Well, hello, Kerry.

Do you have
a card, kerry?

[theme]