05x18 - Lose a Job, Winnebago

[bunniefuu]

[man, on television]
, Bob.

[Bob Barker]
$ .

What is this,
the price is wrong?

Lower! Lower!
Hundreds of dollars
lower, you idiot!

Yeah, I mean, where does
she shop for jukeboxes?

Lower!
Higher!

Lower, you
mouth-breathing
pinhead!

Lower!
Higher!

Well, look at that.

If it wasn't
for unemployment

And b*mb threats
called into the school,

The two of you would have
no quality time together.

Shh. Time for
the showcase showdown.

Oh, take the second
showcase.

Everybody knows
the first one sucks.

God, i'd be so good
on this show, Dan.

And they always pick
people just like me--

You know, real cute
and bubbly-like.

That's why I
picked you, mommy.

Oh, man, get the hose.

So how'd
your interview go?

Guess.

Uh, you got the job
and it pays great?

Lower.

You got the job
and it don't pay great.

Lower.

You went berserk
and k*lled the interviewer,

And now you're gonna be
on America's Most Wanted.

Higher.

You didn't get the job.

Ding ding ding ding
ding ding ding ding!

Hey, Rosie.
Hi.

Hi, Dan.

Hey, Darlene, cool
b*mb threat, huh?

I got a favor to ask.

We're gonna take
this little trip,

And I was wondering
if you guys'd watch
the house.

[Roseanne]
sure. What are
neighbors for?

Where you headed?

Well, we're taking
the motor home

To Branson, Missouri,

We never get
to go anyplace.

We ought to
pack up our truck

And go over
to your house.

Nah. It would just be
too hard to unwind
when we got back.

Darlene, if you're
going in the kitchen,

Why don't you
and Ty make a list

Of things
for D.J. To do?

Hey, Ty, yeah, you might
as well go ahead

And k*ll your pets
and your plants now.

[sigh]
okay, well, you want
to talk about it?

Oh, honey, I ain't no damn
good at these interviews.

I get too nervous.

The guy asked me
if I had any hobbies.

I panicked
and said, "drinking."

Well, you know
what they say, Dan--

Looking for a job
is the hardest job
you'll ever have.

You're right.

I need a vacation.

That's not a bad idea.

Let's do it.

Oh, honey, I can't run
away from my problems.

You sure can.
Your problems are here.

We'll just go someplace else.
It's easy.

Come on. It's not like
we all don't deserve it.

[snobbish]
well, as long as it's
not Europe again.

Well, actually, I was
thinking about someplace

That's really, really warm,

And where knowing
the price of cheerios

Can get you a brand-new car.

That's crazy, honey.

We can't afford
to go to California.

Why not? Ty's going.

No, he's not.

Give me a minute.

So, Ty, I guess

You're gonna pack up a lot
of your warmest clothes

To go down to Branson there,

Since it's real cold there
this time of year.

It's no colder
than here.

Well, how come you didn't
think of, like, you know,

Going to California,
where it's really warm,
you know?

And they got really
cool stuff there,

Like Disneyland
and the Crystal Cathedral

And Bob Barker.

You know, Charlotte and I
begged him to go there,

Not stupid Branson.

Well, I think you girls

Would probably
like it in Branson,

'cause there's
a lot of, you know,
musicians down there,

And they have
their days free,

And they'd probably
really like

Making little friends
like you.

Yeah, I wouldn't let
my daughters go there,

But hey, that's just me.

Hey, I read
that Jerry Lee Lewis
lives down there.

Look, guys, I got nothing
against California,

Necessarily,

But it's just too far for me
to drive all by myself.

[all]
California, here I come

right back where
we started from

open up your golden gate

california

here we come

[laughing]

You feeling any better, Ty?

Oh, I don't know.

I think I ate
something real bad.

Well, it's your own fault.

It's not like truck stops
are known for their clams.

Give the guy
a break, Roseanne.

You've been known to play
a little seafood roulette

In your day.

See food?

[groans]

Hang on there, Ty.

Deej, don't bother Ty.

Go up front and bother
your dad for a while.

Hey, son.

Hey.

What kind of bug was that?

I don't know, Deej.

Did we hit it or
did it fly into us?

I'm not sure, son.

He did seem kind of depressed
before he hit the windshield.

What's that?

That's the air
conditioner switch.

[air blowing]

Okay, Deej, go back and
bother your mom for awhile.

Mom, can you make me
a tuna sandwich?

I lost my other one.

Darlene, could you get me
another can of tuna

Out of the cupboard, please?

Now, let's see.

Which one's the cupboard,
which one's the den?

Hurry up, i'm starving.

D.J., do you mind?

I'm working on three
inches of formica here.

Gotta finish this
and Darlene's salad,

Jackie's grilled cheese and
your dad's bologna sandwich.

Hey, skip the bologna.
I'll take some of that tuna.

I've gotta use up
the bologna, Dan,

Otherwise d.J. Will
have no place to sleep.

Hey, you know
what I feel like?

Some hot cocoa.

Can we have some hot cocoa?

[everyone agrees in unison]

No, no cocoa.

Geez, what kind of
a vacation is this for me?

All you've done is take
everything I do at home

And just put it on wheels.

Well, hop sing quit.
You in charge now.

Great, now one of us
has to make lunch.

Why don't you two
flip for it?

Charlotte will do it.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

She just tells you to do
something and you do it?

Well, I don't really mind.

I mean, I do this stuff
at home all the time.

Let me explain something
to you, Charlotte.

You're the older sister.

That means you get to
treat her like garbage.

It's your birthright.

Yeah, but that's not
how this family works.

No, that's how all
families work.

Becky got to treat me bad,

I got to take it out on D.J.,

And d.J. Gets to take it out
on society as a whole.

I think i'm going to go see
if dad wants some tea.

I can't believe this.
You two are so screwed up.

We are not.

Oh, please, why do you
think she eats so much

And you'll sleep with
any guy who gives you
a little attention?

Go shove it, Darlene.

Where the hell do you
get so much insight?

Trust me.
I know.

Well, everybody's all
wedged in for the night.

So cute the way Darlene
falls asleep

With her hands
around D.J.'s neck.

Isn't this great, honey?

Just you and me
on the open road?

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Look at all those
little houses out there.

You ever wonder what kind
of people live there

And what they're
doing right now?

I know what they're
doing right now.

They're wondering why
the hell they bought houses

So damn close to the freeway.

You know who lives
in those houses?

People just like us.

Each one of those little houses
has its own Becky and Darlene.

Its own D.J.

How come they still get
to have a Becky?

I guess their little
bike shops are doing well.

Boy, stuff sure has
changed, hasn't it?

Remember that big
plan I worked out

When we first got married?

Yeah.

What was that again?

I think it was,
"we'll get by."

Oh, yeah.

What ever happened to that?

Hey, come on,
we're doing okay.

You've got
your restaurant now.

It's doing good.

Making money.

Let's have a baby.

What?

Are you serious?

Since when do you want
to have another kid?

Well, I was just thinking
about how much fun it was

When the kids were little.

Yeah, but then
they get big, remember?

I'm not getting burned
on that deal again.

So what are you saying?

We're never gonna have
any more children?

Maybe I am.

Are you the only one
that can decide that?

You got a uterus?

Well, that's pretty
damn unfair.

I don't see why
we can't do this.

Kids take money, Dan, okay?

And we don't have
that much of it.

If we did, you think we'd
be driving cross-country

With our neighbor's toilet?

Hey, when we had our
first kid, things were tough.

We didn't have any trouble
making that decision.

We didn't make
that decision, Dan.

Jose cuervo did.

What a coincidence.

He's the same guy
that proposed to you.

Glad you're feeling better.

I don't think i'da gotten
through it without you.

Oh, all you needed
was a little TLC.

You drive real good.

Thanks, I used to do
this professionally.

I can tell.

I keep watching your eyes,

And they never
leave the road.

They are so brown.

Thanks.

[laughs]

It's funny, isn't it?

Traveling around
in a motor home?

I mean, this is
the first time

I ever spent
the night with a woman

That I didn't
actually date first.

That's funny.

It is.
That is funny.

Could we get
some drinks up here?

I got it.

Boy, I think my dad and
your aunt Jackie

Are really hitting it off.

Wouldn't it be bizarre
if they got married?

Yeah, then we'd be cousins and
we live next door to each other

So we could share clothes
and talk on the phone

And do each other's hair.

Die, dwarf.

Who wants more peas?

You mean some
more baby peas?

Some of those cute
little baby peas?

I'd love some more baby peas.

I mean, even
though you're done,

That doesn't mean I don't
want any more baby peas.

You know, i'd like
some more baby peas.

Well, you'll have baby peas
when I tell you

You're good and ready
to have baby peas.

All right, then, carrots.
What the hell are
we talking about?

Nothing.

Hey, Deej.

[gasps]

Oh, hi, vic.

Oh my god, who
the hell are you?

I met him at
the last truck stop.

I let him use
our bathroom,

And I guess I forgot
he was in there.

D.J., what were you thinking?

You guys got any tobacco?

Jackie, pull over.
We gotta let somebody out.

No, no, wait a minute.

We can't just dump him
in the middle of the desert.

Where you headed, buddy?

Anywhere over the border
would be fine.

Jackie, pull over.

Was just a joke.

Oh, you're out
of here, buddy.

Hold on, i'm gonna
check his bag.

Make sure he didn't
take anything.

You better hope
you're clean, mister.

Well, how do we compare to
other families you've k*lled?

You know, ma'am, you might
not believe this,

But I used to be
just like you people.

Oh yeah, I had a family,
wife, kids, home.

Whole deal.

Then I lost my job,
wife took the kids.

Things started going to hell,
and I find myself here.

Gee, Ty, why don't you
go ahead and start
driving for a while.

Got it.

I don't think it
would hurt nothing

To have you ride with us
for a little bit.

Can I get you something to eat?

Well, yeah,
i'd appreciate that.

Do you know where
your family is now?

Nah, I was lying about
the family and the job.

My problem's always been
the liquor and the pills.

Ty, pull over the next exit.
He's getting out.

He's clean, Roseanne.

Very well organized.

Well, putting people
in a -foot space together

For days seemed
like a good idea.

What went wrong?

Well, for one thing,

You've put me in a
motor home with a man

Who hasn't had
a woman in years.

Jackie, can you just
keep your distance from him?

It's not like I don't try.

Y'know, yesterday I almost
lost him at the sink.

Just deal with it, okay?
I have my own problems.

Like, for instance,
dan's driving me crazy

About having another kid.

Oh, this is great.

You're gonna have four kids
before I even have one.

Well, for your information,

I'm thinking about
getting a cat.

Well, I didn't say
I was gonna do it.

'course, I didn't
say I wasn't

Gonna do it, either.

What's that mean?

Well, i'm thinking
about it, you know.

I've got a whole
bunch of experience.

Boy, i'd do things
different this time.

Like, for instance,
I wouldn't teach
this kid to talk.

You really think
you should do this?

Jackie, look at the three
kids i've already raised.

Don't I deserve a
shot at a good one?

Well, good news.

I called home
and nobody answered.

Everything okay at the diner?

That's the better news.

You know that job
you didn't get?

You got it.

The guy left a
message at the diner

That their first
choice fell through.

Congratulations, honey.
You're second best.

That's great.

Yeah, and it's
steady drywall work

With medical benefits
and everything

So now we can finally
afford to get

One of them expensive
illnesses we talked about.

And I was thinking since
we'll have two incomes,

That maybe i'll talk about
that baby thing you want.

I'm not taking
the job, Roseanne.

What do you mean you're
not taking the job?

Just what I said.
I'm not taking the job.

Here you've been
dragging around the house

For a whole month complaining
how you ain't got no work,

Then you start with
that baby talk

And get my eggs
all in an uproar.

You are taking
that job, Dan.

I'm not taking the job
just 'cause you want a baby.

I want a baby?

You're the one that started
the whole baby thing.

I don't want
a baby anymore.

Oh, well, i'm glad that
you made up your mind

Before somebody said
here comes the head.

I don't want to talk
about this anymore, okay?

Let's drop it.

Well, I do.

I said let's drop it!

What the hell's
wrong with you?

Why the hell did you say
you wanted to have a baby?

I don't know.

Maybe I thought having
a baby would make me happy.

I could have just
as easily said

A new car or
a pool table.

Maybe I just needed
something to look
forward to.

What, and getting paid
to be out of the house

Eight hours a day
isn't enough for ya?

Not drywall.

Well, you don't have
to do it forever.

You could just do it until
something better comes along.

There's guys there that have
been doing the same thing

For years waiting
for something better

To come along.

I lose my bike shop,

The first thing I do
is go back to drywall.

Yeah, well, what do
you really want to do?

Roseanne, there's
a theme here.

I don't know.

Dan, you're scaring me.

You think you're scared?

Well, wherever it is
that you don't know

Where the hell
you're going to,

You know that i'm
right there behind ya.

Thanks.

Still want to have a baby?

I don't know,
now you've got me

Thinking about a pool table.

God, I can't believe it, Dan.

You didn't get me no tickets
to price is right.

How was I supposed to know
you had to get tickets

Six months in advance?

Besides, you love
this Jackie thomas guy.

Yeah, but I can
watch that on tv.

I want to go someplace
where I can win something.

Least you got to
fulfill the kids' dream

Of going to Disneyland.

Yeah, I love that.

Darlene versus the
happiest place on earth.

Hey, everybody.
How you doing?

How you doing, folks?

I'm Jackie Thomas,
as you know.

Welcome to my show.

We're gonna get started
here in a couple of minutes,

But i'd like to get to know
you guys a little bit better.

Sir, what's your name?

Bill.

Bill, nice haircut, buddy.

What'd you do, lose
a bet or something?

No, I was in a car accident

And before they could
operate on my skull,

They had to
shave my head.

Whatever.
You know...

What's your name, partner?

Dan conner.

Dan Conner.
Where are you from, Dan?

Lanford, Illinois.

Lanford, illinois.

Is this your
lovely wife, here?

Yes, I am.

How long you been
married, ma'am?

Well, next month it
will be years.

years, everybody.

Tell us, what's the secret
to a marriage like that?

Lack of imagination.

Lack of imagination.

That's funny.

I myself have never
been married.

I've been working on
my career too hard.

It hasn't always been
this good for me, either.

I used to do a lot
of lousy jobs.

I washed dishes, I worked
in a meat packing plant.

I did everything
short of drywall.
It was pretty ugly.

But now i'm a big star
and I can make anybody

Do anything I want.

Who here wants to do
something really stupid

For a real lame prize?

He does!

[Jackie Harris]
yeah, he does impressions.

[Jackie Thomas]
impressions?
Dan?

Get up here and do one
of your impressions.

[Roseanne]
yeah, go do your impressions.

Come on up here, Dan.

All right, Danny.

Impressions, huh?

Who do you do?

Um...Um...

Mr. Howell from
Gilligan's Island.

Mr. Howell from
Gilligan's Island.

Well, i'll help you out, here.
I'll be the skipper.

"how you doing,
little buddy?"

"smashing, lovey."

That's pretty darn good.

Yay!

Uh-huh.

Hey, do you do
anybody else?

Yeah, I guess
a little Brando.

Brando.

"i'd like to thank the
heads of the five families

"for coming here
this evening.

How did we ever
get this far?"

Thank you.

Thank you very much.
Hey, you know what?

If you liked this one,
you'll love this one.

This is a little
character of mine.

Real nutty little guy
named travis bickle

From a movie
called Taxi Driver.

And that goes a little
something like this.

"are you talking to me?

"are you talking to me?

Hey, are you talking to me?"

Thank you very much.

...Had a steamboat,
the steamboat had a bell

Miss Lucy went to heaven,
the steamboat went to

All right,
that's good.

All right, here's
your t-shirt.

One for each of you.
That's good enough.

Anybody else got
anything they...

All right.
All right.

That's good enough.

That's--two scripts!
Signed scripts.

You got the two t-shirts.

Anybody else want any...

goodbye my friend
it's hard to die

when all the birds
are singing in the sky

...The seasons in the air

pretty girls
are everywhere

look for me
and i'll be there

we had joy, we had fun
we had seasons in the sun

and the hills
and the climbs

are the seasons
of our time

we had joy, we had fun
we had seasons in the sun

and the hills
that we climbed

were just seasons
out of time

we had joy, we had fun
we had seasons in the sun

and the hills
that we climbed

knocked the seasons
out of time

we had joy, we had fun
we had seasons in the sun

and the hills
that we climbed

knocked the seasons
out of time