05x22 - Promises, Promises

[bunniefuu]

Okey-dokey,
who wants what?

[guys, overlapping]

Yeah, okay,
i'll remember that

For next time, but now,
tuna for everyone.

I'm sure if you made it,
Roseanne, it'll be delicious.

Cool it, Roger.

Dan doesn't like it when
i'm lied to by other men.

Hey, minutes
till the movie;
let's go.

Okay, hold on
because I want you

To wear my coat
with the big pockets

So we can sneak in
our own drinks.

Why don't you
wear it?

Well, they're on
to me.

I'll be right back.

Well, isn't anyone
going to introduce me?

I sorry. Nancy,
the real world,
the real world, Nancy.

Nancy, this is Roger,
a good buddy of mine.

My pleasure.

Wait a minute,
that accent,

You're not from
Lanford, are you?

No, it's true.

I'm not from Lanford,
but as a small boy in london,

I dreamed of one day
seeing its sunny shores.

Know, I tried an accent once,
but it didn't work for me.

People kept asking
if I was wearing a retainer.

I think you've got
a lovely voice.

Thank you.

Well, she's
interesting.

More interesting
than you know.

Yeah, listen,
I don't think

You're gonna get
anywhere with Nancy.

You see, she's--
guys, guys...

Just not in front
of the kid.

Right.
Let's play cards.

Yeah, sounds good.
All right.

Dan, have you thought
about going in

On that real estate deal
with me and rog?

Yeah, sounds good, but there's
no way I could do it.

Oh, everybody has that
doubtful little voice
inside their head,

But sometimes you
just gotta ignore it.

Well, my little voice
is extremely loud

Come on, Dan, i'm sure
your wife can be persuaded.

Have you tried
talking to her?

I tried, but her hair
was full of snakes

And it just seemed
like a bad time.

Ugh, they're
taking forever.

Entertain me.

Gladly.

All right, i'm in
for cents.

I'll raise you cents.

I'm out.

I'll see that
and raise you a dollar.

I think I should let you know
I have no qualms

About taking money
from a girl.

What about from
a woman?

How 'bout from
a little boy?

I'll see that
and raise you a dollar.

Raise you two.

Raising you five.

Got any more money?

Yeah, I need--

Raise.

Take it.

Yes! I won
with a pair of s.

Very impressive.

You, me, and lady luck
should take a little trip

to Vegas sometime.

And he could
hold the camera.

Okay, Nancy,
we're all yours.

You're not going.

She takes my money.

And you, Roseanne,
take my heart.

Open the trophy case, honey,
we got another heart.

Stay foreign;
it really works for you.

That Nancy reminds me
of my first girlfriend.

Maybe you should
introduce them.

I don't know, Roger.

I don't think
you're her type.

Guys, please.

And what kind of guy
does she go for?

The kind that wears a bra.
She's into chicks.

Deal the cards.

[laughing]

[knocking at door]

Hi, Darlene.

I was looking
for your mom.

Yonder.

So, things are pretty
exciting around school

With the prom
and everything, huh?

Did you guys
vote for a theme?

Yeah, I voted
for "just say 'yes'".

Did it win?

No, I don't think so.

Are you guys going?

Probably not.

You know, a lot of people
are going.

A lot of people that you
wouldn't think are going
are going.

A lot of people who thought
they'd be home that night

Are actually going.

Pat, i'd like to solve
the puzzle, please.

Charlotte, are you
going to the prom?

Yes! James Carpenter
asked me!

I don't think
I know him.

Oh, well, you know, he's
missed a lot of school lately

Because he's been really
sick, but he's in band.

Not the marching band,
but he sure hopes to be.

That's great.
When did he ask you?

He--he didn't exactly.

His mom had to 'cause
he hasn't gotten
his voice back yet.

I gotta go talk
to Roseanne.

I mean, I just can't believe
that i'm going to the prom.

[squeals, laughs]

[mock squeals]

Man, it would almost
be worth going

Just to sit there
and laugh at everyone.

You're not serious.

Well, if we really are
going to new york,

This could be our only
chance to go to a prom.

All of our friends
will be there.

David, all of our friends
are in this room.

Well, you know, it doesn't
matter what I like;

It's your prom.

You know, I think I really
like the yellow.

You do?

You know,
the blue?

Eh, it's all right.

The pink?

Oh, yeah, the pink.
Yeah.

I didn't say
I wanted to go.

I just said it might
be interesting.

The only way i'm going
to the prom

Is if I can sit in the rafters
with a bucket of pig's blood.

I gotta get going.

Darlene, you know,
I really hope that
you change your mind

Because, well, you can't
be voted prom queen

Unless you're
at the prom.

You're not helping,
Charlotte.

I'm sorry, it's just
that i'm so excited.

[squealing, laughing]

[mock squeals]

Darlene, please,
just think about it?

Listen, David.

Let me tell you something
about girls here.

If you really want Darlene
to go to the prom with you,

Then go over there
and ask her properly.

All right.

Darlene, will you please
go to the prom with me?

[women laughing]

Forget about it.

What's his problem?

Ah, well.

Oh, Darlene, this may be hard
for us women to understand,

But sometimes,
a guy, he needs

To get all gussied up
and go out on the town

So he can show off
his new hat.

Yeah, well,
i'm not going.

It's against everything
I stand for.

Well, you know,
it's not just for David.

I mean, before I die,
I would like to see

One of my kids go out
that door in a prom dress.

And if it's not you, D.J.'s
gonna be real unhappy.

I got better stuff
to do with my time.

I'll let you
stay out till .

Oh, you gotta
be kidding.

Make it
and we'll talk.

, but you gotta wear
a dress and let me
take a picture of you

In front of the fireplace
and then parade you around

In front of the neighbors.

: , dress, one picture,
no parade.

: , picture on fridge.
Deal?

Deal. But I keep
the negative.

love is the
love is the

love is the
love is the

love is the
love is the law

oh, love, love,
love, love

love is the law

oh, love, love,
love, love

love is the law

[saxophone]

[crowd cheering]

[slow]

See, this isn't
so bad.

Do you wanna stay
for the rest of prom night?

Well, since it means so much
to you, we could stay.

Thank you.

I wanted to surprise you;
I rented a motel room.

I wanted tonight
to be the night.

But, you know,
this is cool too.

[high voice]
oh, Ms. Connor,
your prom date is here.

Oh, don't hate me
because i'm beautiful.

Oh, man,

You dressed like that
in front of the fridge,

I've died
and gone to heaven.

Hi, i'm here.

My butt's too big
for this dress.

Oh, you look great.
Doesn't she, Dan?

Dress and butt
in perfect harmony.

Thanks. I'm just not
sure about this.

Does roger know i'm coming?
[doorbell rings]

No. It's not like
you're going to be
his date or anything.

It's just a whole bunch of us
puttin' on our formal attire

And going out to, like,
celebrate our own prom,

Except for this time,
we're really, really old.

Well, i'm just not sure
i'm ready for it.

Well, we just want
an even number

Of boys and girls, okay?

And Roger's really cool.
He's really nice.

And plus, he sounds
like ringo.

And who likes rRngo?

I like Ringo.

[Dan]
Roseanne, Jackie,

Look who's here.

Oh, roger brought
a date.

And roger's date
is Nancy.

Nancy and roger are--
are dating.

Hope you don't mind
the tag-along.

Happy prom,
everyone.

All I know is heaven must be
missing an angel tonight.

Oh, spread it on
thick, baby.

How come you never say
anything neato like that?

Baby, somebody whipped up
on you with the pretty stick.

Ah, shut up.

[anne-marie]
hey, Jackie.

I didn't know you
were coming with us.

I'm not.

I'm--I just came over
to do my laundry.

Everything else
was dirty.

God, i'm so sorry.

Come on, you'll still
go with us.

No, actually,
it's good.

I'm really not ready
for dating yet.

Are you sure?
Yeah, i'm sure.

Okay, well, i'm glad
you're okay,

'cause, I mean,
i've got to find out

How come Nancy's
going back to men.

Nancy, Anne-Marie, a little
hen party in the kitchen!

Wow, Nancy,
what's going on?

I thought you were
our little gay friend.

So?

So, can't you get kicked out
of the club for this?

What? He's--
he's a nice guy

And he worships me.

Yeah, but I mean, you know,
he's an outie, not an innie.

You just don't get
how it works.

Please don't label me.

I am a people person.

God, now i'm losing men
to lesbians.

Champagne, ladies?

Thank god you're back.

For the last seconds,
my life lost all meaning.

What are we
celebrating?

I sold a house today.

Made a small fortune;
dinner's on me.

[everyone cheering]

That's great.

I really wish you'd
reconsider letting Dan in

On this deal
with us, Roseanne.

Then we'd be
toasting more often.

What deal?

Trust me, Rosie.
It's not for us.

I wanna know.

Well, all right.

We buy run-down houses cheap,
fix them up ourselves,

And then sell them
before the mortgage
and taxes are due.

Next time, dan's name
could be on this check.

Oh, man. How come you
didn't tell me about this?

This is perfect for you.

Because I knew
you'd say no.

Oh, right. So now you know
what i'm always gonna say.

Oh, hey, I take $ , ,
I put it into this
and I lose it

And you're not gonna be mad?

No, not if it's something
that you really wanna do, Dan.

I mean, all your
moping around and whining

How you wanna
do something special.

And now, something great
like this comes along

And you say no
without even asking me.

Come on, guys,
give peace a chance.

Roseanne, I can turn
this down if I want to.

Fine, you can turn it down,
but don't be blaming me

Like, you know, I won't
let you do nothing,

Making everybody think
that your shrew of a wife

Is telling you
what to do

All the time.

On a count of three,
we go for the door.

I'm sorry i've made
everybody in the room

Think that you're
a shrew, Roseanne.

Good thing you were here
to clear your good name.

Oh, they're not thinking
that i'm a shrew;

They're thinking
that you're an idiot.

They think i'm an idiot
for marrying a shrew.

Go on.

Isn't that just like you,
starting a big fight
on a night

When somebody else
was gonna pay for dinner!

Still?

I just can't believe
this is happening.

I'm ready all the time.

I'm--i'm ready
in school.

I'm ready
at the dinner table.

Why can't I be ready
in a motel room?

Don't ask me; i've never
done this before.

Well, neither have I.

Maybe if you'd just
stop pushing me,

It would happen
by itself.

What do you mean
"pushing you"?

Well, Darlene, you just
sprang this on me.

I thought we were just
going to the prom.

You mean you weren't
gonna try to have sex
with me tonight?

Yes, I was, but then
I would have been the one
who started it.

Okay, fine.
You can start it.

I'll just lie here
and watch tv, and then
when you're ready,

Just come on over
and...Start.

[saxophone, on tv]

[sighs]

[cloth movement]

Okay.

Damn it!

Now my arms and legs
are starting to go numb.

I'm sorry, David;
I know how much you
wanted this to happen.

Darlene, just please
stop talking.

You say anything else,
it might disappear altogether.

How do you think
this makes me feel?

I'm the only thing in
the world that doesn't
turn you on.

Come on, you know
that's not it.

Well, I don't get it.
I mean, I know
you wanna do it.

Maybe you just don't
wanna do it with me.

No, no, no.
I'm just--

I'm really scared.

I just always figured
that when we did do it,

That you really
wouldn't want to

And that you'd just be
doing it for me,

So then, I wouldn't
have to be good.

Well, I just wanted
to be with you.

I never expected you
to be good.

I just can't see
how this is happening.

My mom probably put
something in the food.

Whoa, score, and
on the first try.

Is that some sort of slam
about last night?

No, I totally forgot
about last night.

It's like
it never happened.

Oh, that's it.

This conversation's over.

Hey, how was the prom?

Was it everything
you expected?

Not exactly.

Where'd you go after?
Did you go out to the--

We went out driving.

All night?

Well, let's see, the prom
ended at about :

And from there we went
over to Sharna's.

And we were there
from about : until ,

And then from there
we went to this other party

Over at Suderat's and we
were there till, like, .

And then we just had
to take people home,

So we didn't get back here
till about of .

Wow, you did have
a busy night.

Well, it's P.M.,
i'm going in the other room.

I should be there
about : .

Hey.

Did you talk to Darlene
about the prom?

No, what was
the death count?

They got in really late
and I was talking to 'em

And they had some
pretty quick answers

About where they'd been
and when and it
was prom night,

And I got to thinking about
when you and I were kids,

And I think
they had sex.

Okay.

Well, don't go
crazy, Roseanne.

Let's just stay calm
and we can work it out.

What's there to work out?
They had sex.

Well, great.
Darlene is a woman now.

Good. Maybe she can do
her own laundry.

Don't you want to talk
to Darlene about it?

No, Jackie. I don't even
wanna know about it.

Millions of people's kids
have sex every day and they
don't know about it.

How come I have to
know about it?

Well--

No, I mean, how come
I have to know about it?

How come my kids
always make sure

I find out about
every damn thing they do?

I wanna be
in the dark, Jackie.

I wanna walk around

With a great, big,
stupid smile on my face

Like everybody else's parents
in the whole damn world.

Well, maybe they
didn't do it.

Oh, they did it!

Of course they did it.

And you're okay
with that?

No!

But what am I
supposed to do?

I gave her
the birth control speech.

She's seen the "how a condom
works" puppet show.

David's a good kid
and he really cares about her

And at least he washes.

I know that because
I do his towels.

I can't believe how well
you're taking it.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Yeah, soon as D.J.'s
old enough to do it,

Him and his girlfriend,
they'll be doin' it
right there

On the other end of the couch
while i'm sittin'

On the other end
just watching tv

And I won't even notice
a damn thing.

Hey.

I've been to the store.

I've purchased
ice cream and beer.

Oh, perfect.
We can make floats.

So, are we
making up now?

Nope, we're celebrating.

I went into business
with Roger, put in $ , .

Where'd you get $ , ?

[gasps]

You finally took all them
empty pop bottles back.

Nope. Lumber yard gave me
five grand worth of credit.

The conners are now the proud
owner of a depressed property.

Wow, great.
Now we got a set.

I'm kinda nervous
about this, honey.

I hope you're making me
do the right thing.

I really think
it's gonna be good.

Yeah, me too.

So, what else has been
going on around here?

Did I miss anything?

Nope, same old,
same old.

[kissing sounds]

[David]
Darlene, I really
appreciate you

Being so understanding
about last time.

[Darlene]
it's okay, David.
I love you.

[David]
I love you, too.

[Darlene]
so, are we ready to have sex?

[David]
I think I just did.