03x05 - Goodbye Mr. Right

[bunniefuu]

Get you one of these hogs, Gary

we're talking about
serious freedom.

Jackie would love one of these.

It's not the point.

It's like getting a tattoo.

Even if you've got
her name on it,

it's not for her.

Wouldn't it be cheaper

to get one of those
Japanese bikes?

No, no, no.

You don't want a bike

that sounds like Barry Manilow.

You want one that sounds like...

[Roar]

Steppenwolf.

Get on her.

See how she feels.

Man, I'm in love.

[Engine revs]

Oh, beautiful.

Incredible. I can still feel it.

It's always like that.

Do you guys want, like,
a cigarette or anything?

We ready to go?

Jackie's not even here yet.

What else is new?

Don't go getting all greasy.

This is a very nice
restaurant we're going to.

Gee, mom, me and Eddie
was just goofing off.

What a lovely dress,
Mrs. Cleaver.

What time's our reservation for?

minutes ago.

She's always doing this.

I'll be waiting
minutes at the cineplex

while she's at the
station printing perps.

She actually said that?
"Printing perps"?

She's really into
this police lingo.

Every time I go over there,

she's either
eyeballing a mug shot,

grilling a dirt bag,

or, uh, frisking a biscuit.

Or spanking a chicken.

I hate that stupid job.

Mom, I worked it out with Becky.

She'll stay home
and baby-sit D.J.,

and I'm going out.

Why would she make
a deal like that?

I had dirt on her.

What kind of dirt?

If I told you,
I'd be staying home.

So, what do you think

your punishment ought to be?

What do you mean?

Darlene told me everything.

That little rat.

I told her I
wouldn't do anything

until I got your
side of the story.

Well, first we...

Wait a minute.

Uh-uh.

[Telephone rings]

You're getting good.

[Ring]

If that's Jackie, I'll k*ll her.

This better not be you.

Oh, sorry.

I thought you were
somebody else.

Yeah, that's me.

What?

What happened?

Did she get shot?

Aunt Jackie?

What, she was shot?

No, no. Shh.

Well, where is she?

We'll be right there.

Ok, where's the keys?

She got injured
in the line of duty.

Let's get out of here.

How bad is it?

They don't know.

Why not?

Where's my keys?

I gave them to you.

I knew this would happen.

I'll drive.

Let her be ok.

Call me when you find out.

This is for the pain.

Make it a double.

Jackie?

Yeah. Come on in.

She's down here.

Are you ok?

Couldn't find anybody outside.

What happened?

It was a nightmare.

Oh, please. You just
hurt your back.

May I tell the story?

Well, it was a .

It was on my beat, so I
was first to respond.

When I got to the scene,

I realized the alleged perp
was heavily intoxicated.

Not only was it a ,
but a as well.

He resisted arrest,
and there was a struggle.

A er,

and that's when things got ugly.

He went for his g*n.

What g*n?

Your partner said the guy
was completely naked.

It was dark.

It could've been a g*n.

And then they both fell
down a flight of steps.

You tackled some naked guy

and fell down
the steps with him?

Well, that's what they
pay me for, Roseanne.

If we hurry,

we can still make it
to that restaurant.

Want to come, Jackie?

Dan, no. I do have
a herniated disk.

Anything we can get for you?

No. I'm fine.

I'm sorry I ruined
everybody's night.

We're just glad you're ok.

Know how long you'll be here?

A couple of days
for observation,

then after that, take it easy.

You know, bed rest,

no physical exertion.

Could I have a minute alone?

Now, no physical exertion.

Ok, we'll be right outside...

Listening.

I hate seeing you lying
here in pain like this.

Actually, since she
gave me that shot,

I'm feeling kind of neat.

When we got that call
said you were hurt,

I've never been
so scared in my life.

Oh, you're so sweet.

No, it's the truth.

With your cute
little button nose.

Um, thanks.

Anyway, every day
when you go to work,

I worry you're going
to get shot or stabbed.

Why do you ask?

Maybe we'll talk
about this later.

No, no. I'm ok.

You said shot or stabbed.

This time it didn't happen.

You just fell down the stairs,

but here you are in
the hospital anyway.

What happens if next time

maybe some jerk really
does have a g*n?

I know we've talked about this,

but I just don't know

if I can handle it anymore.

What a nice man.

I wonder who he was.

What can't D.J.
clean his own room?

God, what a pig.

How's aunt Jackie going
to stand sleeping here?

What is this?

I think that's his underwear.

Ooh!

Where am I supposed
to put this junk?

Shove it under the bed.

What are these?

Oh, my god.

What?

It's a box full of little heads.

Barbie.

GI Joe.

Oh, Cher.

The little runt is psycho.

What does he do,
cut their heads off

and throw away
the rest of the parts?

No.

This is very creepy, Darlene.

Well, let's just
put everything back

exactly where it was.

Hi.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Cleaning.

We're just cleaning.

Did you clean my closet?

No. No. Why?

No reason.

Careful, Gary.

You break her, you bought her.

Very funny, Roseanne.

There you go.

Just put her down
here in the bed.

Easy does it.

How are you feeling?

A little stiff, Beck.

Get you anything?

No. I'll be fine.

I got it.

Roseanne, please, stop fussing.

No.

Aunt Jackie, I made
you a get-well card.

Oh, Deej, look at that.

Oh, you are such a good kid.

He's got them all fooled.

I brought the baggage, master.

Where do you wish me to put it?

Just put it anywhere, Igor.

Yes, master.

Perhaps later you'll hit me?

We'll see.

You're too kind.

How you doing?

Need any magazines?

Need anything?

I'm ok. I'm fine.

I need some rest.

Check with you later.

Gary, is something wrong?

No. I'm just
incredibly late.

Ok, you guys, come on.

She needs to be all alone.

Let's leave her alone.

Roseanne, can you stay?

I wasn't going to go anywhere.

What's up?

I found out that
because of my back,

I could wind up behind a desk.

Oh, you poor thing.

Can I do my little
happy dance now?

Roseanne, how can you?

You know how much being
a cop means to me.

Come on. Nothing's
happened yet.

It happens all the time.

You get hurt, can't work,
they send you home.

I don't know what I'd do.

There's lots of things
you could do.

I don't want
to do anything else.

People respect me.

I got to do something
that means something,

that protects people
and helps people,

even if it means
risking my life.

You tackled a naked guy
and grabbed for...

I could've sworn it was a g*n.

What are you doing?

Shopping for motorcycles.

Here's a pip.

"' Harley.
Mint condition."

We can't afford that.

It's for Gary.

Gary and I are planning
on forming a g*ng.

You and your sister
will be our chicks.

Then we plan on going out

terrorizing small communities

on the weekends,

weather permitting.

How's Jackie?

She's a bit better,

but I don't think
she should leave

until she can
take care of herself.

You really enjoy
this nurturing crap.

Do not.

Do, too.

You've been real happy
the last few days,

having somebody to take care of.

I guess it is cool, having
somebody depend on me

to feed them,

take them to the bathroom.

Besides you, that is.

Mom, if D.J. Was doing
something weird...

I don't mean normal weird,

I mean really weird...

We'd have to send
him away, right?

Yeah, but he'd probably
find his way back,

like you always do.

What's going on?

He's doing something
really weird.

I'm so tired of it.

It's really, really boring.

Every time he does anything,

you come squawking about it.

He doesn't do things
the way you do.

He does them differently.

He's a boy.

Real different.

Looks like D.J.
got himself a hobby.

Mother, these are my old dolls.

He's not playing
with dolls, is he?

Oh, that's a relief.

Do you guys think
this is insane?

Well, this one does kind
of look like Darlene.

Looks like she put up
quite a little struggle.

You guys are sick.

Take them back
where you got them.

Mother!

It's no big deal.

He's a boy.
Boys do things like this.

Go find something to do.

Ok, when we finally
lock the wacko up,

don't expect me
to change his papers.

Dan, when
you were D.J.'s age,

you did stuff like that, right?

No.

The boy's odd.

Hey.

Hey, bud.

I got you a bike.

Hey, great.

We'll check it out
this afternoon.

Now you need a good,
tough biker nickname.

Right.
How about psycho?

No. We're
saving that for D.J.

I'm going to see Jackie.
How is she?

She's laying up in bed
complaining.

I'm used to that.

Hi.

Gary.

How are you feeling?

You tell me.

Well, that was fun.

These are for you.

Thank you.

Gary, what's wrong?

Ever since my accident,
we haven't talked.

Well, um...

I'm going to buy that Harley.

Great.

And, um,

things have been
real busy at work.

Hey, listen.

You remember Hank who has
a sign shop next to me?

His secretary is leaving

at the end of this month.

Gary.

It's a great job.

I have a job.

Just think about it.

You knew I was a cop
when we started dating.

But I always thought...

You thought I would give it up.

It was just a phase.

Now she's a cop,

next month maybe a cowgirl.

You got hurt.

So, just say,
"I told you so."

No. I can't
live like this.

Forget the fact
you're never home.

We can't make plans

because you don't know

what your day will be like.

I can't relate to your friends

'cause all you do
is talk cop talk.

I'll be damned if
I'm getting a call

saying that my wife
is in some hospital.

I have to give up
something I want

because you can't deal with it.

Isn't that a wee bit selfish?

That's how I feel.

I won't let you run my life.

That won't change.

I won't sit around
waiting for that call.

We're saying we're breaking up?

Just say you won't
be a cop anymore

and this all goes away.

Don't sell the bike.

My buddy really wants it.

We will be there.
Soon.

Gary, come on.

Dan, leave him alone.

He's probably kissing it

and making it better.

We'll lose the bike.

I can't deal with that now.

I got to go.

What's the matter,

you guys have another fight?

It was more than just
a fight, Roseanne.

Well, what?

It's between her and me.

It's a problem we've been having

from the beginning.

It's private, Roseanne.

Well, fine.

Jackie will tell me.

Sounds bad.

It's over.

Aw, man.

Well, these things happen.

We're still going to do
this bike thing, right?

Oh, yeah.
Sure. Definitely.

You'll give me a buzz?

Absolutely.

Hey, Gary.

Huh, yeah?

Take care of yourself.

Yeah.
You, too, Dan.

How could you do that

without even
discussing it with me?

He's not your boyfriend.

This guy's great.

Those irritating things you do,

he thinks they're cute.

He walked in here, and
he gave me an ultimatum.

He told me to quit the force.

I've been telling you
that since you started.

And I've tried to
break up with you,

but you won't go.

Becoming a cop is something
I worked very hard for.

What would you do
if Dan demanded

you leave the house
and the kids?

Ok. Bad example.

I'll tell you what I'd do.

I'd work it out.

There's nothing to work out.

I'm quitting.

What?

They said I'd have to
take a desk job.

I'm didn't become a cop

to sit on my butt typing.

All you did was sit on
your butt drinking coffee.

Yeah, but I had
a radio and a car.

Now you're doing exactly
what Gary wants you to do.

No. I'm doing
what I want to do.

It's the same thing
that Gary wants.

Let's rent a chapel
and finish it.

He'd think I quit
because he told me to.

But you would know the truth!

Let him live in ignorance.

Men love that!

I'm going to do
exactly what you'd do.

You would never let
a man run your life.

I want somebody to
support me no matter what.

Like Dan does for you.

Are you insane?

You think he came
out of a box like that?

You could put those
same years into Gary.

He's perfect for you.

No, Roseanne,
he's perfect for you.

You want him to take care
of your flaky sister

so you won't have to worry.

That's ok! You won't
have to worry,

because she's going
to be just fine!

Ok, so maybe... Maybe you
did the right thing.

Mm-hmm.

God, I hate that.

Oh, Roseanne...

No, I really, really
hate that, Jackie.

So...

It's been kind of
a tough day for you.

Yeah.

Feel like crying some more?

No.

Want to yell at me?

No.

Want a pizza?

Yes.

Extra cheese?

Mm-hmm.

Pepperoni?

Mm-hmm.

Sausage?

Anchovies?

No man is worth anchovies.

Why do you want
to go home so soon?

It's been a week.

days.

I'll put these in the car.

I'll miss you, too, Dan.

You sure you want to go?

There's nobody there
to take care of you.

It's just a cramped little
hole of an apartment.

You're depressing me.

Well, if you're depressed,
you really shouldn't go.

It's time that I get
on with my life.

What are you going to do?

Disability pension's coming in.

There's time to try stuff

I've always wanted to do.

Like what?

I'm not telling you.

Every time I try something new,

you make fun of it,

like becoming a cop.

You don't lay off.

Oh, I'm not going to
do anything like that.

You can tell me.

I will totally support
whatever you choose.

Ok.

I was thinking
of trying something

kind of artistic,

like being a painter
or a sculptor.

I could join that
community theater.

I could be an actor.

Yeah, or you could
be a ballerina.

Want to be a ballerina?

Or you could be an astronaut

and fly way up high
into outer space.

Thank you for the support.

You could be a kick-boxer.

No. A sumo wrestler.

Bye-bye.

No... A psychic.

But then you knew that,
didn't you?