03x13 - The Courtship of Eddie, Dan's Father

[bunniefuu]

That's egg salad.
You ordered a BLT.

I'm sorry.

I brought you
the wrong lunch.

I'll give you
a free piece of pie.

Ok. Apple is
my favorite.

Ok. Cross
your fingers,

and we'll see
what you get.

I make a mistake,
and he apologizes.

I should
introduce him to Dan.

Maybe it'll rub off.

Hey, Roseanne.

Hey, Crystal.
Want some coffee?

Only if you
got some made.

Well, this is
a coffee shop, Crystal.

Oh, well,
that would be fine.

You know, I love the
mall after Christmas.

The stores will
take back anything.

I just returned
an electric wok

that I've had
in the closet

since .

How the hell
did you do that?

I kept the box.

And luckily
I could exchange it

for one
of those machines

that rips the hair
out of your leg.

They're very effective.

Although they do tend
to make you cry.

Excuse me.

She should cry.

I bought her that wok.

Here you go.
Eat this.

What's this for?

It's a tip.

But it's, like, %.

When a waitress
makes a mistake,

you shouldn't over tip
like this, Donald.

Remember that
for next time.

Come on, dad.

I want to see
the movie.

Hold on there,
Babalouie.

I want to check out
this here cute waitress.

Excuse me.

When you get
a minute?

Yeah, you'll be
the first to know.

Got a kiss for me,

or do you want a hot poker
in the eyeball?

Poker, please.

Yecchh!

So, what are
you boys up to?

Oh, just going upstairs
to the Cineplex.

You going to see
Dalmatians?

Nah. He won't
go for that

unless of them
blow up.

On your way home,

pick up some mushroom soup
and macaroni

for your Dad's
favorite tuna casserole.

Yecchh.

I know.

It's god-awful, isn't it?

And especially
the way I make it.

Another Christmas
in January

with old Ed Conner.

Same as when
I was little.

Always traveling.

That's how he kept ahead
of other salesmen

who stayed home
for the holidays.

If you're going
to gripe about your Dad,

you got to order
something.

Come on, Deej.
Let's go.

See you, Crystal.

Bye, guys.

Remember--go up and ask for
two children's tickets.

Why doesn't Dan get
along with his father?

I've always found Ed
to be a wonderful man.

Well, me, too.

I get along
with him great.

'Course, I'm
a people person.

[Telephone rings]

There's the phone.
Excuse me.

[Ring]

Hello, Rodbell's
coffee shop,

home of
the quick serve.

What?

I can't hear you,
Darlene.

Tell Becky
to stop screaming.

Ok, now,
what did D.J. do?

How could he do that?

He's not even home.

All right. So, now,
where did you find it?

Just put it in a bag,

and I'll bury it
when I get there.

Ok, bye.

Problem?

Oh, it's just D.J.

He needs some little
friends to play with.

Bring Lonnie
around this weekend.

He'd love to play
with him.

Uh, Lonnie's at his
grandma's for the weekend.

Well, then next weekend.

Roseanne, Lonnie is
scared of D.J.

Oh, ok.

At least
D.J. has a father.

I feel bad about Lonnie
growing up without a father.

Oh, Crystal.

Don't get upset.

Somewhere out there,

there is a guy
who is perfect for you.

Excuse me a minute.

Hey, Donald.

Do you like
tuna casserole?

Not very much, Roseanne.

Oh, you'll eat it anyway.

Crystal doesn't know
this dinner's a fix up?

She thinks she's just
dropping off a fondue pot.

Well, what's
the guy think?

You know, he's a single
guy, and we got hot food.

That's all
he needs to know.

Hey, put more cheese
in there.

The regular cheese
or the stinky cheese?

Stinky.

Ecchh! It smells
like Dad's feet.

Something
sure smells good!

Hey, Darlene, put another
box of macaroni in there.

Well, how much
should I put?

The box says,
"serves ."

Well, there's
eight of us,

so two boxes
ought to do it.

Eight? My Dad's coming.
That's six.

I run into Crystal
at the mall today.

Seven.

She seemed lonely,
so I--

you're not playing
matchmaker again, are you?

Every time you do, it
blows up in your face.

I fixed up your friend
Pete and his wife.

Yeah, and they're
divorced now.

Really?

He would be perfect
for Jackie.

[Doorbell rings]

It's grandpa!

Oh, cool. Presents!

You coming?

Plenty of time.

You got to make it
tough, right, Conner?

I want to finish
this article.

Oh, you're reading
Cosmo?

Yeah.

Yeeww!

For Becky.

Thanks, grandpa.

For Darlene.

Thanks, grandpa.

For grandpa.

What did
you bring me?

It's right here.

I got you
a set of books.

I'm kidding.

I'm just kidding.
It's a death ray.

Great!

What did
you bring me?

Hey, rosebud!

You look younger
and more beautiful

every time I see you.

You know, you're a lying
sack of skin, Ed,

but I love you.

How are you doing?

I couldn't
be better, Rosie.

So where's that bum
you married?

He's out there
in the kitchen.

I'm supposed
to go to him, right?

I think
that's the plan.

Dad!

Danny boy!

Come here.

Get you,
get you, get you!

How's business,
dad?

Great. I'm having
the best year of my life.

I picked up one of these
lines of fancy coffees.

Dutch mocha,

amaretto creme...

Ah, here we go.
Chocolate parfait.

We got this great
advertising campaign--

"for the quiet moments
of your life."

I haven't had a quiet
moment in years.

What else
you bring me?

Just so happens, I did bring
you a little something.

You didn't
have to.

What, Danny?
It's a gift.

That's what you call it

when you give somebody
something you don't have to.

When you have to,
it's called alimony.

Har har
har har har.

Grandpa, you got us
videotapes.

You don't like the
movies I picked?

We love them.
We don't have a VCR.

Oh. We do now.

All right, grandpa!

A VCR, Beck. The Conner family
leaps into the eighties.

Take it into
the living room.

I'll come
in a second

and help you
hook it up.

Thanks, grandpa.

Yeah, now
we really love you.

Uh, listen,
there's, um...

There's something I got to
talk to you about.

That's what the VCR’s
for, to soften us up?

The VCR was
a second prize

in a sales contest.

If I'd won first prize,
I'd be in Hawaii.

You wouldn't have to
put up with me.

Geez, Dan.

What do you want
to talk about?

Let's wait
till after supper.

Where are you going?

Unload the truck.

Is this
how it'll be

the whole time
he's visiting,

you acting
like a baby?

You hear the cr*ck
about alimony?

He never pays my mother
a dime in alimony.

It's a joke. Johnny Carson
does alimony jokes,

and you're
laying there--

"not now, Roseanne,
Johnny's on a roll."

He's pulling the same
stuff on my kids

as he pulled on me.

He's never around,
then he thinks

he can buy them off
with presents.

They think
he's Santa Claus.

So they love
their grandfather.

That's great. They hate
everybody else, Dan.

Give him a break.

He helped you
with your homework,

taught you how
to ride a bike,

and took you
to the baseball games.

He never did any
of that.

Well, so what? He got us a VCR.
Same thing.

Roseanne, I brought
the fondue pot.

I hope
I'm not too late.

You're right
on time.

I want you to stay
for dinner.

I couldn't impose.

Oh, no. Nonsense.

Are you still wearing that?
You look like hell.

God, she's smooth.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
You got me!

I'm vaporized!

Oh, hi, Cryssie.

Hey, Ed.
How are you?

Come on, grandpa.

D.J., give me
just a minute

to get my molecules reorganized.
All right?

Ok. I'll go
k*ll Dad.

Looks like we're getting
close here, huh?

I'll go wash up.

It's really good to see
you again, Crystal.

Roseanne, maybe Ed
would like it to be

just him
and the family.

Oh, nonsense.

Quit whining.
Men hate that.

Go in my bedroom

and borrow some
earrings and a scarf.

Becky, go with her.

All right.

You know what
the sad part is?

She doesn't
suspect a thing.

[Doorbell rings]

There's the groom.

Hey, everybody.

What are you
doing here?

I'm hungry.

Well, I didn't invite you
for dinner.

When have I ever waited
for an invitation?

[Doorbell rings]

Get the door, Darlene,
and let him in.

Be nice to him.
He's skittish.

Who's skittish?

Just this guy
from the mall.

Nobody you know.
Nobody you'd like.

How do you know
I wouldn't like him?

He ain't your type.

He's shy
and really quiet.

I mean, he manages this
camera shop, you know?

Whose type is he?

He's Crystal's type.
So back off.

Oh.

Oh, you wouldn't want
to introduce me

to some great guy
with a job.

Crystal looks hot, Mom.

We went with
the purple scarf

and the silver earrings.

I begged you for
those earrings.

What is going on?

First you're on my case
about not dating

and then
you doll Crystal up

so she can snag some
great guy with a job.

He's cute.

He's not your type.

What is my type,
Roseanne,

some unemployed
rodeo clown?

Uh-oh, bachelorette
number two.

Shut up, shut up,
shut up.

Hey, Mom.

Go sh**t
your sister.

Ok.

I promise the next
guy is for you,

but this one's
for Crystal.

Pull up a chair and
set yourself a place,

but hands off
the camera guy.

Donald...

I don't believe you've
met my sister Jackie.

It's a pleasure
to meet you.

You went
to Lanford High?

Yes, Donald.

Have they always been
the Fighting Tigers?

I don't know.

Let me
go find out.

Roseanne...

That's questions
in a row,

in case
you're counting.

Oh, he's just nervous.

That's how he tries
to make conversation.

Get him off my back.

You begged me to fix
you up with him.

That was before
I found out

he was
the question man--

what kind of car
do you drive?

What's your
favorite soup?

Did you do it
in here?

I didn't design
this kitchen, Donald.

Jackie, were you
a cheerleader?

No, Donald.

Did you try out
and not make it?

You know, Crystal was
on the pompom squad.

Really?

Oh, dear.

Are they
your own pompons

or does the school
provide them?

They gave them to me.

You know, Jackie was
on the field hockey team.

No kidding.

Do you use a ball
or a puck?

You know what's great
after a big dinner

is a nice drive.

Jackie, take Donald
on a nice little drive.

Roseanne...

I know.

You want to borrow
my Isadora Duncan scarf.

I've got it right here
in the bedroom.

Can I buy this
at a store?

Hey, I promised
the kids

I'd watch movie tapes with them.

Oh, I'll go with you.

You work
in a camera shop.

Do you send your film
to a lab?

What kind of a lab?
A big lab?

I want that guy
out of here.

Tell him to leave.

No, I can't.

I'll leave.

Take him with you.

Not on your life.

You're not going
to believe this!

I come in here,

and what do I see
on this very spot?

Crystal and Ed
kissing.

Making out?

Like trying
to climb each other.

Oh, my god!

I figure I can find
out what's going on

if you and
the Quizmaster blow.

Ok,
but I want details later.

I'll call you for sure.

What if he tries something?

Oh, Jackie,
he's annoying.

He's not desperate.

[Crying]

What's wrong with D.J.?

Oh,
his death ray broke.

How did that happen?

Oh, that's
not important.

Ok, Donald,
I'm ready.

Great. So where do you
want to go?

Who's driving?
Is it far?

Oh, you'll find out
when you get there.

Thanks for coming.
Yeah, bye.

Adult time.

Everybody upstairs.
Go on. Run along.

Mom,
that's not fair.

We're watching
a videotape.

Oh, yeah.
You're right.

There's logic for you.

I can't wait
till I have kids.

They'll have to do
everything I say.

Funny how Donald and
Jackie hit it right off.

I thought Donald was more,
say, Crystal's type,

but what do I know?

Absolutely nothing,
my pet.

So, Ed...

Crystal...

What's new?

Danny,
I wanted to tell you--

before you say anything,

I was way out of line
before.

Your
intentions are good.

I was a complete jerk.

Maybe I should
leave you alone.

This is
a family moment.

Please stay.
I want you to.

Dad--
listen, Danny--

this is really
tough for me.

Let me get
the whole thing out.

Whatever happened
between you and Mom

and between
you and me

is history.

Let's start over.

That's great, son.

I can't tell you how long I
wanted to hear those words,

and you're right.

We've got to start over
because, uh, ahem...

Starting over is good.

It's a good thing.

As a matter of fact,

I've been starting over
myself, because, uh...

Crystal and I have been
seeing each other.

What do you mean,
"seeing"?

Well, since last
Thanksgiving, uh...

We started
getting together

whenever I had
a break in my schedule.

Sorry I didn't
tell you two,

but we didn't know
how you'd take it.

Well,
are you happy?

Yes, I am.

Well...

Then...

I'm happy for you.

As to how Dan's
going to take it, well...

Take it, Dan.

You're more than years
older than she is.

I've done the math.

You knew her as a kid.

She's grown.

With a kid.

We've met.

So what do you want?

I wanted you to know.

I felt idiotic coming around
here without stopping by.

We felt so sneaky.

Now we know.

Good.

Dan...

I'm going with it,
Roseanne.

You're not upset?

Well, to be honest,

I feel a little bad
for Donald.

Donald
the question man?

Oh, I'm glad
you're good with this,

because
we're getting married.

That's it.

Where are
you going?

Somewhere else.

Dan.

I'm sorry.

Get inside, Crystal.

I'm not going.

It's freezing out here.

We want
your blessing, Dan.

You don't know what you're
getting yourself into.

You're expecting a husband,
companion, a father for Lonnie.

Forget it.
He won't be there for you.

Dan, I love him.

Why?

He's kind and he's
generous and he's funny.

He reminds me
a lot of you, Dan.

Congratulations, Crystal.

You figured out the exact
wrong thing to say.

Well, it's true,
you know.

You just don't give
the man any credit.

I've known him
all my life.

I know exactly
what's going to happen.

A year from now you'll be
lonelier than ever,

and you'll be married.

You won't even have the clowns
Roseanne sets you up with.

I'll take that chance.

Then I'm done talking.

Dan, it can't
be like this.

Whether you like it
or not,

I'm marrying
your father,

and, well, I'll kind of
be like your mother.

I want your blessing.

I'm sorry, Crystal.

Well, then,
Dan Conner,

you don't get
your coat back.

Thanks, Mom.

More coffee?

Whole pot.

Pour it on me.

Anything you say,
dearest.

You know,
a lesser man

would have come back
in for his coat.

I didn't want
to see my father.

We got to figure out
how to deal with this.

Deal with what?

We buy a gift and show
up at the wedding.

I think I'll buy her
an electric wok.

I'm not going
to the wedding.

Yes, you are.

You're the best man

and I'm
the matron of honor.

We'll walk down
that aisle

just like old times,

only this time we
need a wider aisle.

Oh, yeah?
Who decided all this?

My best friend Crystal

asked me to help plan
her wedding,

and I said yes.

What are you, crazy?

You know this thing's
a mistake.

No, I don't, Dan.

I see two people who
obviously love each other.

They're just looking
for some support

from their family
and friends.

You're not doing this,
Roseanne.

You know,
you're really sexy

when you attempt
to be assertive.

I'm serious.

You're not going,
neither am I,

and that's
an end to it.

No, it ain't.

Do you like the pie?

It's apple, my favorite.

What's your favorite pie?

Your coffee hot enough?

I hate cold coffee.

I come here every day.
I work here.

What do you do?

I'll bet
you're good at it.

I sell cameras
right here in the mall.

Oh, that must have hurt.

You need an aspirin?

Anybody
got an aspirin?

You want regular
or buffered?