03x17 - Valentine's Day

[bunniefuu]

Crystal, he brings you
breakfast in bed?

How was it?

No, I mean the breakfast.

Well, of course Ed's going
to do something romantic.

It's Valentine's day,
for crying out loud.

Only the slimiest
lowlife of a husband

would forget you
on Valentine's day.

And he just came in.
I got to go. Bye.

I didn't forget.

What did you get me?

A surprise.

To both of us, huh?

Here.

Well, at least
my son remembered.

"Happy Valentine's day
from your son.

Love Warren."

Warren?

The one I made was lousy.

I would have loved it
anyway, D.J.,

because you made it
with your own two hands.

Is there gravy on this?

Did you fish it
out of the trash?

Was that wrong?

Keep going.

You're making the
old man look good.

It's not too late
if he asks tomorrow.

He's not going to ask me anyway.

Who ain't going to
ask you anyway what?

Can we just
eat breakfast, please?

We're all gathered together.

This is the perfect time
to get caught up.

There are three other people

to get caught up on.

Ok. Dan,
you going to work today?

Yep.

D.J.,
you got scouts?

Yes.

Becky, you still blonde?

Yeah.

So, Darlene, what's going on?

It's just like you to
get all gross about this.

How come you can't
talk behind my back

like a normal mother?

Ok, let's do it.

His name is Barry.

Hi, guys.

Get in here, Jackie.
Darlene's got a boyfriend.

You're kidding. Who?

This guy she met
playing basketball.

He's a sophomore.

Oh, an older man.

She really wants him to ask her

to the Valentine's dance.

I suggested she invite him over

to help study math.

I thought the
helpless girl approach

was better than her
Larry bird thing.

I don't want to
catch her groping,

like with that last guy.

This is completely different.

She didn't even
like that last guy.

Oh, well, then.

Becky, what should I wear?

I said the pink skirt.

It's too short.

She's knows nothing.

I don't like this

Darlene-pink-skirt-
boy-too-short thing.

Well, I don't like this whole

husband-stupid-
forget-Valentine thing.

I didn't forget.

Ok, D.J., I'll
drop you off at school.

Well...

Happy Valentine's day
anyhow, honey.

See? I'm not mad.

So, Jackie.

Uh, now that you're
off the police force...

Ok, I forgot.
Help me out here.

What does she want?

I'm sure whatever
you pick out would be...

Tell me!

Lingerie.

No, no, no!

She says you never
buy her anything

that makes her feel sexy.

I bought her cable, didn't I?

It's what she wants.

How about jewelry?
She loves jewelry.

She doesn't have any of her own,

but she admires it on others.

You're embarrassed
because you think

you'll be the only man
in the lingerie store,

and everybody's going
to be staring at you

and thinking you're a pervert.

You've been a great help.

Dan, come on.

A lot of guys do it.

It's romantic.

Oh, I don't know.

How am I even going
to know if it fits?

Try it on.

Good brownies.

Yeah.

They have nuts in them.

They're good.

Yeah. Nuts.

Boy, she looks constipated.

It's all those nuts.

She's fine.

She's just got to relax.

Much better.

Ohh! Sorry.

That's ok.

I just go get something
to clean that up.

Mom, clean that up.

Oh, he hates me.

He does not.

He thinks I'm a dork.

Show him you're
something special.

Oh, yeah...
A special dork,

the head dork, the dork queen.

Geez, Darlene.
Try flirting a little.

You know, smile, laugh,

lean in and listen

like what he's
saying is important.

Lean in and listen?

Yeah, like this.

You're making this up.

I'm only trying to help you out.

Ok, ok.

He's gorgeous, isn't he?

He's cute.

Come on, he's a god!

This homework thing's
kind of lame,

but he came over,

so he must like me, right?

Why shouldn't he like you?

You're funny, you're cute,

you're wearing my clothes.

Thanks.

There is one problem.

What?

Right now he's out there
with Mom... alone.

I figure when your husband
forgets Valentine's day,

you've got a right
to say something, you know?

I don't want to go busting
his chops or nothing,

but I want a little romance.

Is that wrong?

Hi.

Hi.

What's that, Lassie?

You say Timmy
fell down a mine shaft...

Up on Big Rock mountain,

and grandpa's
already up there waiting?

I'd better get out there.

Good girl.

Your mom's nice.

Ok.

Uh, this is my sister Becky.

Hi.

I've seen you in school.

Would... you like
another brownie, Barry?

Uh, no.

Maybe I should take off.

Uh, Barry, have you
got your license yet?

Uh-huh. I'm waiting
to get a car.

Ahh.

Hmm.

What kind of car?

Yeah.
What she said.

My dream car is a red Corvette

with a turbocharger,

but I'll probably wind up
with my aunt's gremlin.

What is she doing?

Flirting?

Well, god, I hope she
doesn't hurt herself.

We're married years,

and he forgets Valentine's day.

I'd divorce him if I were you.

I'm not going to reward him.

So did Duke get you anything?

Oh, he's such a sweetheart.

There were a lot of
women in his life

before we met.

So for Valentine's day,

he's going to have their
names removed from his back.

I'd k*ll for a guy like that.

That's how I got him.

Excuse me. Hello!

I'd like to speak
with the manager please.

He's not here.

He's never here.

Maybe that's why they fired him

and hired me.

Leon Carp, your new boss.

Which leads me to ask,

why aren't you working?

Nobody's asking for anything.

Attitude...

We'll cover that later.

Ok, new rules. Ready?

First... when
your shift starts,

you start.

If you're five minutes late,

you're docked five minutes pay.

Wow! That's
almost cents.

Hey, I got to go
to the bathroom.

Here's a buck.

That's very funny.

Thank you.

Now, to continue on...

I've been hearing
that the customers

like to come in here

because they enjoy themselves.

You're friendly.
You chat.

We think it's our sexy uniforms.

Why is this restaurant

in the middle of this store?

Because when
our customers are hungry,

we do not want them to leave.

After they've eaten,

we want them back
out there buying things.

Should we be mean?

Not mean.

Brusque.

That's going to cut
down on our tips.

You'll make it up in volume.

You want us to work twice
as hard for the same money?

That's great.

Ok. I got to go.

[Shouting] Are you
enjoying that coffee?

Yes, I am.

That's wonderful!

Get her out of here.

She is definitely cute.

Why didn't you ask her?

Her whole family was there.

Her sister was
hanging out with us.

Dance is tomorrow, bud.

I think she likes me.

I'm not sure.

Oh, god.

What?

That's her mother.

Look, guys, don't, please.

Hey.

Hey, Mrs. Conner.

So all you guys
know what you want?

Barry does.

But she's not on the menu.

I got to go.

Where are you going?

It's too embarrassing here.

Oh, it is not.

I know you like
my daughter, right?

Ok. Yeah.

Ok.

I'm a young, hip,

happening kind of mother here.

I totally dig this
teen romance stuff.

That's why I'm giving
you some advice, Barry.

Call her, dude.

It's more complicated than that.

I mean, Darlene...

It's not complicated.

You sure?

Just promise me you'll
have a small wedding,

then you'll move away.

Hello, this is Barry Parker.

Is this Darlene?

I'll get her.

Darlene!

Hurry!

It's him!

It's him!

It's him!
It's him!

Now I'm the kind of girl I hate.
Give me the phone.

Here she is, Bar.

What?

I wanted to talk to you, Becky.

Do you have a date
for the Valentine's dance?

Hey, Bonnie,

I'm sleeping over at
your house tonight, ok?

I was hardly here.

Exactly how did I
steal him away?

"Well, hello, Barry,

y'all going to
be driving sometime soon?"

Oh, Darlene,

I told you,
he's not even my type.

He's not good enough for you?

He's times better than
the mutants you date.

You're not making any sense.

I don't have to.

I just have to be more
careful with my boyfriends

when my sister's feeling feisty.

Mother.

What's going on?

Barry called and asked me
out instead of Darlene.

No.

Would you tell her
I didn't do anything?

Darlene, you know, it's not...

Take her side like always.

She's just your little Princess.

What do you mean?
She never takes my side.

We're always arguing. She
makes my life miserable.

Am I right?

Well, I do what I can.

I don't care what she says.

You hated the idea that I
could have a boyfriend.

I don't have to take this.

Yeah, right. Run away,
Becky, like you always do.

You know, Darlene, this
isn't Becky's fault.

This happens to all girls.

It really does.

I promise, it'll get better.

"Tomorrow's another day." "It's
not the end of the world."

Did I leave anything out?

There's plenty more
fish in the sea.

That about covers it.

What do you think?
Pervert?

No. Husband.

He's starting to buckle.

I got him.

Hi.
Can I help you?

No, thanks,
I'm... I'm just looking.

No, I'm not looking.
I didn't come to look.

I don't enjoy
doing that kind of thing.

Why don't you believe me?

Something for your wife.

Fine.

Valentine's day?

Thank you.

How sweet. What do you
think she would like?

A teddy?

A nightie?

How about a robe?

Robe... yeah, yeah.
A big long robe.

Do you want silk,
lace, see-through?

Can I have a glass of water?

Amy.

Good construction here.

Here you go, sir.

Would you like to sit down?

Thank you.

There, there.
Calm down. It's ok.

You said a robe, but I think
she'll really like this.

See how sheer it is.
Feel it.

No.

It won't bite.

It's ok.

I know you want to.

It's wonderful.
Wrap it up.

Oh. Excuse me.

Sir, are you ok?

I got to go... my car.

Arnie.

Dan.

- My car broke down...
- I was outside...

- Bye.
- Bye.

If Darlene's in the bedroom,
I'll be in the living room.

Oh, I hate this.

You remember Kenny
Billows, my first love?

The guy that told you

you should cut your hair
short like Twiggy's,

and you'd look real cute.

So I cut it.

Boy, he was wrong.

Remember what I was like
after he dumped me?

You wore hats.

I stayed in my room
for three days.

You listened to me
cry, fed me pizza,

and got me
to put on make-up.

I was good then.

Too bad I can't
do that for Darlene now.

I never could have
taken that to Mom,

so maybe what Darlene needs...

Hey, I got an idea.
I'll be right back.

It was my idea.

Hey, Becky, how's that book?

Incredibly boring.

You know, Becky,

that's not your fault that
that Barry kid asked you out.

I mean, you're very pretty,

and you're a sophomore,

and you're comfortable
around boys.

And it's not his fault, either.

It certainly isn't
Darlene's fault.

The book is better
than this, mother.

She really needs you now, Becky.

I'm not going up there.

She'll just dump all over me.

I know. Then she'll
probably cry some more.

It'll be an awful experience,

and I'm glad I
won't be having it.

So why should I?

You're the big sister.

You get to date first
and drive first.

You get to do everything first.

Darlene's going to be k*lling
herself her whole life

to catch up to you.

Give her a break.

She needs somebody
to unload on right now.

This time I'm not good enough.

This is very, very nice of me.

I want big points.

I thought it would be
a selfless act,

but at the last minute
she pulled it out.

I was never trying
to catch up to you.

Oh, yeah?
You wish you were me.

Oh, no.
Get out of here.

No, no, no.

That was the burden
of my entire life...

Trying to hold myself back

so you wouldn't feel
overshadowed by my magnificence.

You're dreaming.
No, no.

Rosie, could I see you?

He got it.

Ohh. Guilt is
a many-splendored thing.

Coming, dearest.

Oh, you did get me something.

For my wife on Valentine's day.

Ohh! So nice.

I made it with my own
two little hands.

Oh, Dan.

Roseanne, I tried.

I went to the underwear
store and everything.

People were staring
at me, leering.

I felt so cheap.

"Dear Roseanne,

"though this gift is not
what you desire,

"the sentiment is clear.

"If you need proof
I love you still,

hell, Rosie,
I'm still here."

"Love, Warren."

Oh, Dan.

I know you really do
love me, you old goat.

I'm going to go try this on.

Ba-a-a-a!

Hey.

Oh. Hey.

So how was the dance?

It was ok.

You can tell me. I'm not
going to break down.

It was really nice.

Anybody there I might know?

Barry showed up
with Angela Dietz.

She looks just like you.

That's so gross.

Thanks.

You know what I mean.

So, did he spend the whole
night gazing at you?

Yeah. Sort of.

Did he ask you to dance?

Uh-huh.

So?

I thought, what would
Darlene want me to do?

So you punched him in the neck?

I just told him to get lost.

Then I told Angela

she was his second choice.

So what did she do?

Well, let's just say

old Bar won't be dancing
for a while.

Cool.

I can't look at you.