03x18 - Communicable Theater

[bunniefuu]

You may ask,

why do enemies
with swords

pursue one poor poet?

Because they know

this poet is a friend

of Cyrano de Bergerac!

You lied to me.

Ok, so it's not
exactly like Pinocchio.

You should have
caught on, D.J.,

when she said The Elephant
Man was like Dumbo.

[Drools]

What, is aunt Jackie on?

No. You're
drooling on me.

Roseanne, I got to go.

No, Dan. This is
Jackie's big night.

We got to watch the play

and then go backstage
and say it didn't stink.

I'm sick.
I got the flu.

Me, too.

[Coughing]

Cut it out.

Well, you do feel kind of warm.

Let's go.

I need to be sick
in my own bathroom.

Jackie's part's coming up.

She's worked hard
to make it special.

After her part we'll go.

Even Elvis got to die
in his own bathroom.

Oh, gods, command the muse

to mold my Lyric.

Tureen of beef.

That's it.
Let's go.

I just got sick.

I was there, Dan.

Sorry about the rug.

That's ok.
Lay down.

I'm going to go
get you some soup.

This is the itchy blanket.

Jeez. years old...

Gets a little flu
and acts like a baby.

What's that, honey?

I said...

years old...

He gets a little flu,

and he acts just like a baby!

Oh, ok.

Oh!

Roseanne?

Yes?

Put an ice cube in

so I can eat it right away.

You bet, honey.

It's melting.
Oh, it's almost gone.

It'll be real cool for you now.

Oh, Roseanne,

I can't find the remote control.

It's right there.

Put it on channel for me.

No. Channel .

.

Ok. Back to .

No.

I'll click it once more.

Whatever's on, you're
going to watch it.

There. Hee Haw
in Spanish.

It's your lucky day.

All right, here you go.

Here's your soup.

Thank you.

What?

You have more noodles than I do.

I do not.

Yes, you do.

You've just given me
chicken water.

All right, here.

Now I have too many noodles.

Stay sick, Dan,

because as soon as you're well,

I'm going to k*ll you!

Ok. Here it is.

Oh. Good work, Deej.

Give me your handbook.
I'll sign it off.

What's going on?

This is his last requirement

for his woodchuck badge.

He needed to make
something out of wood,

and he did.

Hmm. Well,
that's beautiful.

Yeah.

I wonder what it is.

That woodchuck thing's
tonight, isn't it?

Yeah.

You can't go.

I've got to.

The reviews are in.

Uh-oh.

What?

Too many noodles.

Lift up the lid this time!

"Last night's production
of Cyrano de Bergerac

"proves that the Lanford
Community Theater Company

is finally
getting better."

It's a rave.

Darlene, come here.
Look at this.

Read, read, read.

"Shirley Fiske, proprietor
of Shirl's Nail Hut,

"turned in
a must-see performance

as Roxanne..."

blah, blah, blah.
Read what I circled.

"The ensemble..."

that's me.

"The ensemble was less
confused this time around."

"Less confused."

That's great, huh?

Look. They're putting in
a Dairy Queen

next to the bank.

That'll be handy.

Can you be a little
more excited for me?

I'm excited, I swear.

When you said, "tureen of beef,"

I got totally hungry.

Roseanne?

What?

Roseanne?

I said what?

What?

Darlene, go see what he wants.

Dad, what do you want?

What?

Go in there.

I hate sick people.

What time is it?

I got to get to work
by : .

Work? You have a job?

I'm working at the theater,

answering phones and stuff.

Oh. What are they
paying you?

Nothing.

That's an interesting
career choice.

I'm part of the theater,
Roseanne.

I'm helping out.

Do the other actors help out?

When they can, yeah.
They all have jobs.

You just don't get it, do you?

He wants soup.

[Telephone rings]

I ought to just
save him the time

and pour it down the toilet.

Hello. Yeah,
just a minute.

Jackie!

What?

It's Steven Spielberg.

He wants to fly you to Hollywood

so you can answer his phones.

Ha ha.

It's Lou, your stage manager.

Hi.

Did you see the review?

"Less confused."

Yeah.

Huh?

Oh.

Yep. Ok. Sure.

All right. Great.

Bye-bye.

Shirley Fiske has the flu.

So?

So I'm the understudy.

I have to go on tonight
and do Roxanne.

Well... Who's going
to do tureen of beef?

I'm in trouble. I didn't
think she'd get sick.

She never misses a show.

I didn't bother to
learn the whole part.

What?

I know a little bit.

I know what happens.

Kind of.

I don't believe you!

Better call and tell
them you can't do it.

I can't!
I'm the understudy!

I'm their last resort!

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I should go buy the play.

Ok, Cyrano goes, "call her,"

and then that Christian,
he goes, "Roxanne,"

and then you go...

I know this. Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.

Ok, tell me.

You've been rehearsing
this play a whole month.

Have you watched it?

I wasn't in this scene,

so I didn't care about it!

Roseanne, I got bad things

coming out of
every part of my body.

Poor baby.

Can I do anything
to make you feel better

without actually
having to touch you?

I need some
postnasal drip medicine.

We don't have any of that, Dan.

I'm dripping!

I'm working on a scene!

Can you give me a minute?

No!

The very next one
of youse to whine

is going to get creamed.

Dan, please help her out
with her lines.

I'll make you some tea.

All right.
Where were you?

Where?

Christian goes,
"it's Christian."

"It's Christian."

Uh, and... and
if it is, so?

"My dearest Rox..."

[cough cough]

I'll never learn this scene.

I'll be humiliated in
front of the whole town!

You've learned the whole
rest of the play.

What's the problem
with this scene?

It's too much pressure!

Everything happens
in this scene!

First Christian's talking,

and then Cyrano's
talking to Christian!

Then Christian
pretends to be Cyrano!

Oh, never mind about me!
I'll be fine!

I'm ready.

Oh, no. Your scout thing.
I forgot.

Go out to the car.

I'll get dressed and join you.

Hurry up.

You can't go out, Dan.

Roseanne, I can't miss this.
He's my son!

I've got to be there!

I'll take him.

Ok.

What?

Wait a minute!
You can't go!

This play's in two hours.
I'll flop without your help!

D.J.'s getting a medal for
this wood thing he made.

I'm counting on you!

Get somebody in the play help.

I can't. They'll know I
didn't memorize the lines!

Bye.

I can't believe
you're dumping me

for some stupid merit badge!

That's the most important
thing in my son's life.

And this is important!

You're no sister,
running out on me now!

I already should have told you

this theater thing
is getting out of hand!

What's that supposed to mean?

With everybody else,
it's a hobby.

You're making it a career

'cause you got
nothing else going on.

That's what you think.

Since you quit the force,
you just been hanging out.

Now it's the theater,

but it's still just hanging out.

Ok, fine. Sure. Fine.

Thanks for being there
for me. See you.

[Cough cough]

Shut up, Dan.

You've scrambled
the eggs too hard.

He just said
they were too loose.

Now they're too chewy,

and they make his face hurt.

I'm not cooking for him anymore.

He can just lick the
vaporub off his chest.

Hey, girls, your
brother's a chipmunk.

Woodchuck.

Whatever.

Where's dad?
How's he doing?

He's driving us crazy.

Does my tongue
look funny to you?

Oh, gross!

Well, well.
It lives.

Yeah, I feel a little better.

Then how come you're
driving the girls crazy?

Kicks.

Did Jackie call?

No.

She's a big girl.

I know. What I said to
her was true, you know,

but maybe I was
a tad insensitive.

How unlike you.

Maybe I ought to just back off

and let her live her own life.

Christian.

Cyrano!

What is this urgency?

She read the letters.

She wants to see me.

Ah, that is good.

But she thinks
they are my words.

Is someone calling?
Is someone calling?

Is someone calling?

Is someone calling?

Relax.
You're doing great.

You think so, Lou?

Well, you're no Shirley Fiske.

Yeah, well, who is?

Not you.

Stand beneath the balcony

whilst I stand behind the tree

and whisper the words
for you to woo her.

Call her forth.

Roxanne.

Roxanne.

Call her forth louder.

Roxanne!

Is someone calling?

Is someone calling?

Roxanne!

Jackie, someone's calling.

Oh, god, Lou! Ok.

Yeah, ok.

Roxanne!

She comes out not.

Mayhaps we are at
the wrong balcony.

I don't think so.

So...

Are you from France originally?

Is someone calling?

What shall I say?

Hear what I say and repeat it.

My words before
could not express...

My words before
could not express...

What my heart truly feels.

What my heart truly feels.

Um...

"I can see that you
love me no longer."

My father the Duke is calling.

Be right back.

What are you doing here?

"I can see that
you love me no longer."

We had an argument.
We'll work it out.

I'm in a play.

That is the line, Jackie.

Oh. It's no use,
Roseanne.

Go on out there.

I'll feed you your lines.

We can't do that.

Why not?
They're doing it.

Oh, the big Dipper.

I can see that you
love me no longer.

Oh, you gods...

Oh, you gods...

See how I love...

See how I love...

More than words can say.

More than words can say.

Why are your words...

Why are your words...

So halting?

So halting?

How shall I explain?

I shall speak for you.

Good.

Each word struggles
through the dark

seeking your light.

If that were true...

If that were true...

My own words...

My own words...

Would struggle like yours.

Would struggle like yours.

Your words come more easily

than they did before.

That's right.

I know.

But I've never spoken
with my true heart before.

Why not?

Because I've never spoken

to your heart before.

I love you.

Christian...

You do tremble like a leaf.

Yes, I tremble with love,

for you have made me love you.

That's right.

Win me a kiss.

Now I could die,
but for one thing...

A kiss!

Come then, it awaits you.

Go! Climb!

A kiss sweet as nectar.

Come claim your prize.

Roxanne!

Hey, Lou, is that guy single?

I need the table.

Oh, sorry.

Jackie was good
tonight, wasn't she?

Yeah, well,
the important thing is

she fit the costume.

Hey, Phil, good job tonight.

Hey, thanks, Roseanne.

Jackie did good,
don't you think?

I've been doing
community theater

for years now, and...

No.

She remembered
most of her lines.

That she did.
I'll see you.

I said no, Al!

You're going to tell me

you didn't feel
something special

going on between us tonight?

I was playing a part.

I was acting.

You're not that good
of an actor.

Good night, Al.

Good night, Roxanne.

What a doof.

Jackie, you were great.

No, I wasn't.

Oh, yes, you were.

Everybody was leaving
during my curtain call.

Sure, because
it's snowing outside.

They wanted to get home.

Shirley got roses.

I didn't get roses.

You only get roses
on opening night.

You're just saying that

so I won't feel bad.

Jackie, have
some confidence, ok?

God, you're pathetic.

You know, you were right before.

I haven't done anything
since I quit the force.

Take your time and figure out

what you want to do.

I've had plenty of time.

I know.

I was proud of being a cop.

I don't want to do
just anything.

You'll find something,
Jackie. Trust me.

You've got lots of potential.

You'll find the right thing.

You really thought
I was good, huh?

I couldn't believe it.

I thought you were great.

Maybe Roxanne isn't my part.

She dumps the cool guy
with the big nose

for the moron
with the cute butt.

That's right up your alley.

[Coughing]

Want to watch some TV?

No.

Make yourself some soup.

You'll feel better.

No.

Can I go bowling?

No!

You just want me to
watch you be sick?

You're damn right.

Read that.

The Elgin Bulletin?

Some guy came in
from out of town

and reviewed the show.

"Cyrano stinks"?

That's the good part.

"Is it illegal to yell yuck

"in a crowded theater?

Last night, this
reporter considered it."

Get down to where
it mentions my name.

"Lured by the promise

"of a masterful performance

"from regional legend
Shirley Fiske,

"we were at first disappointed

"to find Jacqueline Harris

"in the role of Roxanne.

"But disappointment waned

as our minds
began to wander."

This guy's a moron.

Just keep reading, Dan.

"Let's just hope Miss
Harris has enough sense

not to quit
her day job."

See? He doesn't know
what he's talking about.

You don't have a day job.

I must find a way
to make her love me.

Now.

And how am I to tea...

How am I to tea...

How am I to tea...

Ah-choo!

Bless you.

Thank you.

Uh, anyway...

And how am I to teach you now?

What?

Nose! Your nose!

Oh, god.

I shall die!

Stand here beneath her balcony

whilst I stand behind the tree

and whisper the words
for you to woo her.

Ah-choo!
Call her forth.

Roxanne.

Is someone call...

Ah-choo!

Is someone call...

Ah-choo!

A token of her love.