03x23 - Dances with Darlene

[bunniefuu]

So this one's ok.

No, you don't want to get
a used washer and dryer.

I can't afford
a new one.

You're going to put clothes
that touch your body

into somebody's
filthy machine?

I do it here
all the time.

Yeah, but our filth
is family.

What's your problem?

If you get
a washer and dryer,

you won't come here
no more.

I'm still going
to come over.

No, you won't. Nobody comes
here unless they have to.

I got to eat,
don't I?

Yeah, and you'll probably
learn how to cook,

then you'll start
going to the supermarket

with your fancy new
washer and dryer.

I'm putting
the paper away.

You're in no condition
to discuss this now.

Can I have the car
on Saturday night?

Yeah, only if you
promise to bring it back

really dirty and totally
out of gas.

Mark's truck
is in the shop,

so I'm driving us
to the spring dance.

Spring dance. Boy, does
that bring back memories.

Yeah. Waiting around
for weeks

for some cool guy
to ask you

and then ending up
going with some loser

like Glenn Dickerson.

Why, was he a geek
or something?

Ask Jackie.
It's her memory.

No, he was not a geek.

He was the only kid
in th grade

that carried
a lunch box.

Let's ice down
that pitching arm.

How was the game?

Oh, it was ok.

Ok? She was throwing
BB's out there.

[Telephone rings]

I'll get it!

Hello?

strike-outs, no walks.

She made
their best hitter cry.

Yeah, I beaned her
right in the neck.

That was an accident,
right?

Grow up.

It's for you, Darlene.
It's Barry.

Yeah?

Hey, Barry,
how you doing?

Did Crystal drop anything
off for me today?

There's an envelope
over there.

Yes! Thanks to my
well-connected father,

I now possess
two tickets

to the Bulls play-off
game this Saturday night.

Don't expect me to go

to any stupid
baseball game with you.

Basketball,
Roseanne.

Get off my back.
The answer's still no.

I guess I'll have to
find somebody else then.

Hey! I like basketball.

Really? How fascinating.
But you know...

I think I'm going to
surprise Darlene with these.

How bizarre.

That was Barry.

He just invited me
to the spring dance.

Whoo! All right,
butch!

When is this thing,
Darlene?

It's this Saturday night.

Saturday, huh?

Yeah. Can you drive us?

No problem.

Oh, Darlene!

Congratulations. It's
your first formal dance.

You'll remember this for
the rest of your life.

What are you
going to wear?

I was thinking I'd go...

Shh! I'm not talking
to you.

So whatever I decide

that Darlene likes best,
we'll keep.

And what do you think
of these shoes

with that blue dress?

Uh, clash.

What about something
with an open toe?

No, nobody wants
to see her feet.

Uh, Roseanne.
Bonnie.

Hi, Leon.

This is Linda Wagner

from Rodbell's
company headquarters.

She's here to see
how hard

we're always working.

Oh, cool.

Hey, Linda, what do you
think of these shoes

with this dress?

I think they work.

Roseanne is sort of
our restaurant cutup.

Let's try this again,
shall we?

Ms. Wagner is here
to look over our store

and evaluate
our employees.

That doesn't mean
I have to take

a lie detector test,
does it?

Every time I take one,
I get fired.

Oh, God.

What I'd like to do

is conduct a short interview
with each of you.

Fantastic.
Who'd like to start?

Roseanne, I think I see
your hand up there.

Perfect.

Bonnie, why don't
we leave these two alone

while we tidy up

and serve
our happy customers?

I promise this won't
take long.

This ain't one of those

"if I could be
any animal on earth,

what animal would I be"
kind of deals, is it?

No. Let me start by asking
you about your boss.

Oh, so it is
an animal question, then.

I was wondering,
is he single?

Leon?
Of course he's single.

Well, I find him very attractive.
Don't you?

Well, ok.

I suppose that, uh,
in kind of an offbeat...

Aw, what the hell.
Put me down for no.

There's just something
about him.

He's got this
mysterious charisma.

Uh-huh.

It's strange.

The second
I looked at him,

this voice in my head
said, "I want that man."

How long you been
on the road, Linda?

Almost six weeks. Why?

Time to go home.

Darlene, would you
come down here?

Geez, where is she?

I want to see
some action.

This is so exciting.

Sometimes I wish
my Lonnie was a girl

so I could get him dolled
up in a pretty dress.

I don't do that,
of course.

Oh, well,
take my breath away.

Isn't she exquisite?

Obviously a woman
of taste.

You look weird.

You smell weird.

What?

Mmm...

Try on the blue one.

Why?

Because I don't know how
I feel about this dress

until I see you
in the blue one.

Oh, God.

Oh!

Becky.

Go with her.

Don't leave her alone
with that dress.

This is a joke, right?

No, it's not bad.

You've been
to these things before.

Is this going to work?

Well, that depends on
what you're going as.

Yeah? Well,
what are you wearing?

I decided not to go. These
things are so immature.

Mark bailed, huh?

It was awkward
for him.

The Spanish teacher he
was dating in th grade

is going to be
chaperon.

Ok, you want to look
in the mirror?

Sure.

Ohh, why did I do that?

Ok, she wants
to see the blue dress,

let's show her
the blue dress.

"It's too blue."

"Looked better
on the hanger."

"Rhubarb with hair."

"Makes too much noise
when I walk."

"It makes me look
lopsided."

Well, you do look
like Judy Jetson.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yes.

This is definitely it.

Mm-hmm.

This is the first one
that I had on.

I know that,

but these shoes totally
make the difference.

They make the outfit,
right?

- Oh, yeah. Nice shoes.
- Gotcha.

Now you'll have to
start shaving your legs

below the sock line.

Those aren't socks.

Oh, Dan!

Come in here

and meet your beautiful
young daughter!

Wow, you look
incredible.

Thanks.

Maybe you ought to see
her in the yellow one.

No, this one's
perfect.

Besides, I have the next dance.
May I?

Oh, just sh**t me now.

♪ As time goes on ♪

♪ I realize ♪

♪ just what you mean ♪

♪ to me ♪

♪ and now ♪

♪ now that you're near ♪

♪ promise you're... ♪

♪ Hmm ♪

♪ da da da da ♪

♪ share ♪

♪ and... ♪

Oh, geez.

How's the pitching
arm, kid?

It's ok.

You really do look
nice, you know.

Thanks.

And you dance divinely.

I'm stepping
all over your feet.

I happen to enjoy that.

I hate slow dancing.

If this Barry tries
to hold you too close,

tell him you got
to throw up.

Oh, I thought I was
going to save that

for when he wanted
to have sex.

I... I got to go.

Mom, I'm going to change
into human clothes.

No, we've got to decide
what we're going to do

about your hair.

Stop it. I like my
hair the way it is.

We'll go
and get a make-over.

We'll go Saturday
before the dance.

No! Forget it.

This is something I always
wanted to do with you.

It'd be
like a girl thing.

Mom, I have practice
on Saturday.

You could miss it.

If I do, I might not
start in the next game.

Your first formal dance
is way more important.

Yeah?
Then why don't you go?

Because I have
nothing to wear.

Boy, you better
go to practice.

You missed me by a mile.

That's not paid for yet.

Take it back.
Take them all back.

I'll get my own dress.

You pick it up.

No.

Pick it up, Darlene.

Why, so you can play
Barbie doll some more?

What are you
talking about?

I bought you a beautiful
dress for the dance!

Why don't you give me
this kind of attention

when I do real stuff,

like striking out guys
without walking anybody?

Oh, ok.

Way to go.

You ever brag about that
to Jackie and Crystal? No.

But some guy asks me
to some lame dance,

and I'm a big deal.

That's so sick.

How come you never said
anything about this before?

Oh, why bother?

I want to talk
about this some more.

Fine. Go ahead.

Man, you are such
a spoiled brat,

and I am sick of it.

I told you I wanted every
customer to have a flower.

Oh, not now, Leon,
I ain't in the mood.

Roseanne, this customer
does not have a flower,

so find a vase
and give him one.

There.

Well, someone forgot

to take her polite pill
this morning, huh?

Why don't you
lay off?

She's having
a bad day.

Good afternoon,
everybody.

Ms. Wagner. For you.

A freshly cut
spring flower.

How sweet.

I got to leave early for
my kid's baseball game.

No, no, no, no.

This is our
evaluation day, remember?

Now, please have a seat.

And observe

your well-oiled Rodbell's
machine in action.

I have a better idea.

sh**t.

Why don't the two of us

find a nice little
Italian restaurant,

order a bottle of Chianti,
and get to know each other?

Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Way too much information
in that sentence.

These evaluations
are just so dull.

I thought we could find something more...
Exciting to do.

You're coming on
to me here, right?

I'm trying.

Well, I would like
a cup of coffee.

Would you like
some coffee?

Sure.

Ok.

Go for it, stud.

No way.

Where else are you
going to find

a woman that good-looking
and that desperate?

No. Not interested.

Go on over there.

If you take her out,
I can leave.

So stop acting like you
got integrity and do it.

No, I'm not looking

for this kind
of relationship.

She don't want
no relationship.

She just wants a little
slap and tickle.

Think of it
as a career move, Leon.

Yeah, maybe you'll get
promoted to some restaurant

where, like, the
employees respect you.

I'm not sleeping
with her

just so you can
leave early.

Geez, I ask you for
one little favor.

Linda.

Ahem.

I, uh, really appreciate
your offer.

It's very flattering.

But, uh, I'm already
seeing somebody else.

You are not.

Am, too!

Leon, don't worry,
it's ok.

But it could
have been fun.

Ok, let's talk
about this restaurant.

Thank you.

Am I missing
something here?

What does she see
in him?

I don't know.

If you were single,
would you...

No.

What if he was rich?

No.

Or a movie star
or royalty?

Uh-uh.

If he were
the last man on earth?

I'd demand a re-count.

I gave the tickets
to a friend.

Yeah, dad, I know
how hard it was

for you to get
the tickets.

Now Darlene's not going
to the dance, so...

Ok, how many
coffee filters

would you have to sell

for me to get
two more tickets?

Ok, put me down
for , .

Yeah, dad, see what
you can do. Thanks.

The kids are going
to have to start

drinking coffee.

What's this about Darlene's
not going to the dance?

She called Barry
and backed out.

I knew that was
going to happen!

Now I have to
go talk to her.

The thing is, Dan,
this is all my fault.

Imagine that.

You spend all your life
trying to teach your kids

that they're
always wrong,

and then something like
this has to go and happen.

Darlene?

Hi.

Hey.

Can I come in?

I guess so.

I tried to get off
early from work today

so I could go
to your practice.

Yeah, well, we don't
practice on Fridays.

Good. Then I didn't
miss anything.

When's the next game?

It's all right.
You don't have to come.

No, next time you bean
somebody in the neck,

I want to be there
cheering you on.

Fine.

You just better know

that when I pitch,
I spit.

So? When I dust,
I spit.

I've got
a great idea.

I just thought
of this.

You ought
to call up Barry

and tell him you
will go to the dance

and wear
whatever you want

and have you hair
however you want it.

No.

Don't miss out on this
just to get back at me.

There's better ways
to get back at me.

Maybe Becky's boyfriend
has a little brother.

I didn't blow the dance
because of you.

It was a lot of things.

Every time I would
put on those dresses,

everybody would
treat me weird.

I didn't feel like
the same person anymore.

Well, no, you kind of...

Are not like
the same person anymore,

you know?

So...

Sorry. I guess
I shouldn't do that.

Oh, that's ok.

Look, I just may never get
into proms and stuff.

I like dating
and boys and everything.

I just don't think you have
to go through the crap

to get
to the good stuff.

You've been
hanging out

with aunt Jackie
too much.

I'm sorry that I threw
that dress on the floor.

It's ok.
They took it back.

I did buy you
these shoes

that I think
you'll like.

I can't wear
those high heels.

Just open the box.

Oh, man.

Golf shoes?

Mom, you got me
golf shoes?

Oh, you mean they're
not baseball shoes?

I should have listened
to the sales guy.

I just thought
these were way cuter.

It's almost time
for tip-off.

I had to change
into my lucky sweats.

This is going to be way better
than some stupid dance.

I'll bet you bucks Jordan
pulls a triple double.

You'd have to be crazy
to take that bet.

I'll give you the odds.

No way.

So where did mom run off
to hide this time?

Jackie's.

She's coming
to your game Monday.

I know.

You don't think
if it's cold

she'll run
to the pitcher's mound

to give me my sweater?

I think
you can count on it.

She's probably sewing
your baseball mitt

onto your uniform sleeve
right now.

Oh, here they come.

Bulls, bulls, bulls, bulls,
bulls, bulls, bulls, ow!

[Telephone rings]

Oh, man. Let it ring.

I'll get it.

Put it up!

Foul!
Get in the game! Jerk.

Speak.

Barry, hey.

No, I'm not mad
at you.

No, I thought
you were mad at me.

Pizza?

Now?

Well, I'm kind of watching
the game with my dad.

Well, I don't know.

Sure I can
ditch him.

Yeah, I'll see you
in like .

Ok, bye.

Sorry, dad.

Try to be back by dawn.

Yeah, we'll play it
by ear.

What are you up to,
Philbert?

Nothing.

Hey, Deej.

Who do you like
in the play-offs?

What's a play-off?

Ho ho ho.
Park it right here, bud.

I'll tell you all
about it.

You got any money?

Another day,
another dollar,

huh, ladies?

I haven't exactly
counted my tips yet,

but that sounds
about right.

Leon, how did we do
on that evaluation?

Well, somehow,
we did very well.

It was a good thing
you didn't sleep with her.

We might have
all got fired.

Hello, Leon.
You ready?

Yeah, almost.

Oh, there's
my blue shirt.

I was looking all over
for that this morning.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Roseanne, Bonnie, this is
my friend Jerry Gimble.

It's nice to meet you.

Leon has told me so much
about both of you.

So, Leon, we do have
: dinner reservations,

and I'm sure

that Phil and Tom
are already there, so...

Ok, ok.

Uh, do it all again
tomorrow, shall we?

Definitely.

All righty.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.
Bye.

- Ohh.
- Ohh.

Captioning performed by the
National Captioning Institute, Inc.

"Oh, it looked better
on the hanger."

"Lambada."

[Laughter]

"It's too much noise
when I walk."

Clear.

Now, that was my best
performance of the day.