03x03 - Stranger On A Train

[bunniefuu]

Will this be enough? I thought
you weren't going to bother

making lunch, we were going
to get something there. We are.

This is for the journey.
It's an hour on the train, love.

Aye, better do a few more rounds.

No more rounds. For the love of God,
put the Kn*fe down, woman.

Why have you got
a surfboard, Joe?

Jim across the road gave me
the lend. I'll start again.

What are you planning to do
with the surfboard, Joe?

Surf. Something I always
fancied doing,

ever since I saw that film,

the one where the lads
try to catch thon big fish.

What film is that?

You know, the big fish,
the musical fish.

The musical fish?

He hums a tune before
he att*cks people.

They try to catch him
but their boat's too wee.

Are you talking about Jaws?
That's the one.

Jaws made you
want to take up surfing?

Aye. Grand so.

Christ, is that the time?

I've that much to do
I'm passing myself here,

and now my right ear has
closed over.

What? I've been trying
to put my earring in for minutes,

but no joy. Give us over an ice
cube, will you, Mary?

I'm going to freeze the lobe
and ram a needle through it.

Please don't. Take them off, Orla,
they're mental.

They're cracking.
Are they really suitable, love?

They won't let you on
the disco swing if you don't meet

the height restrictions, Aunt Mary.
I simply will not risk it.

Ian Paisley and the DUP say they
will not enter any kind of talks

with Sinn Fein unless
the IRA decommission all arms.

I'm convinced they don't know where
they are.

What's that? The IRA. Well,

after the ceasefire they've all this
stuff just lying about,

you know, their g*ns, their Semtex,

their other bits and bobs,

and there's nothing worse
than clutter.

Exactly like Mammy's
Toby jug collection.

I was just thinking that, Mary.

I bagsed them all up, stored them
somewhere safe, thought no more
about them.

Six months later Daddy wants to plant
some seeds in John Wayne.

Can I remember where I put them?

Are you saying you think
the IRA won't decommission

because they've misplaced
their balaclavas?

I mean, they'll turn up, I'm sure.
The balaclavas?

The Toby jugs.

It's a serious stumbling block

in an already precarious peace
process.

I just can't believe this.

Yeah. Let's hope they can work
it out.

I've frozen the wrong lobe.
I see.

Portrush, with a Protestant,
Unionist majority,

yet many Catholics from

Derry risk travelling there
every summer.

Why? Well, because it's got a
cracking big dipper.

Get that thing out of my
face, James,

I haven't even got my eyes on yet.

Why'd you bring it, son?
You're not going to be able
to take it on any of the rides.

What are you laughing at?

Is it because Uncle Gerry
said "rides"?

Speaking of rides.
Seriously.

Don't be asking to go on that
ghost train? Do you hear me?

You'll be all Billy big balls at
the time,

but I'll have to deal with the
fallout at three in the morning
when you wake up

screaming and crying about some
fella with no head.

Oh, I love the fella with no head.

The fella with no head is
the best bit.

I just wasn't expecting
the fella with no head.

Now that I'm prepared for
the fella with no head.

I don't want to hear about it,
Erin.

I just want to get on that train,
sit down,

have a cup of tea and relax.

The : service from
Londonderry

to Portrush will now be arriving
at platform two

calling at Castlerock,
Coleraine and Portstewart.

Welcome aboard the
: service from Londonderry
to Portrush,

calling at Castlerock,
Coleraine and Portstewart.

Thought I was going to drop dead
there at one point.

If only. Christ but I'm sweating
like a hooker in mass.

Let's grab these. We're going to sit
in a different carriage, Mammy.

I don't know about that. Come on,
Mammy, we just want our own space.

We're not weans. We don't need to be
constantly supervised.

Where's Clare?

sh*t.

The golden sands of Benone,
the crashing of the Atlantic,

the wildlife, the mountains,
the birdsong.

Well, what's any
of this without Clare?

She hasn't snuffed it, Erin.

Yeah, I'm sure she'll get
the next train.

And make the journey all alone
because we abandoned her,

because we left her behind,

and I for one will never forgive
myself for that.

Here comes the snack trolley.
Oh, happy days.

Any drinks or snacks? I'll have a
Coke and a KitKat and...

I'll have a KitKat as well.
Yeah, me too.

No KitKats, I'm afraid.

I can see the KitKats.
They're display KitKats.

- Display KitKats?
- They're display only.

I don't have any in the drawers.

Well, can we buy
the display KitKats?

No. Why the f*ck not?

Because if I don't have them on
display, how will people know
they're available?

They're not available.
This is what I'm saying.

I'm really f*cking confused, lads.
OK, Fra, is it? This is ridiculous.

I would like to speak
to your manager, please.

I am the manager.

You're the train manager?

Yeah. You're the train manager

and you also operate
the snack trolley. That's right.

I suppose you drive
the train as well, do you, Fra?

- Sometimes.
- I'm sorry?

I own the train.
I own all the trains.

f*ck me,
there's wiser eating grass.

Jesus Christ!

You're upsetting the passengers.

You're upsetting the passengers.

Stop being a d*ck
and give me a f*cking KitKat.

I'll give you a KitKat.
Thank you.

For quid.
Are you nuts?

I think we've established he
might be.

Let go. Come on, Michelle.

Make me. I'm warning you.

Bite my eye.

Oh, my God,
it's Pippa from Home and Away.

Original or recast? Sucker.

Oh, you sneaky wee shite.

I just don't want to get into it,
Conor love, OK?

Excuse me. I need your help.
It's over.

Why can't you just accept that,
babe? Excuse me, please.

What is it, honey?
I missed the train.

I was in the loo.
When I came out everyone was gone,

and it was the wrong platform,
and I ran across,

but it was too late
and I missed the train.

OK, love, keep your knickers on.

My knickers are no concern
of yours, thank you very much.

minutes till the next one.
Take a seat, gorgeous.

minutes? Yeah. Sorry,
I think I can wait minutes.

I think that's fine.

OK. Do you wear glasses?

Sure, glasses do nothing for me,
Mary. You know that.

No, your character. What?

On the board, remember?
Your character on the board.

Are they wearing glasses?

Aged six and up it said on the box.

Are you a woman?

What kind of a bloody question is
that? Smart hole.

OK, you seem to have a bit of

a problem grasping
the concept here, Joe.

I'll tell you what I'll not have
trouble grasping. Your neck.

Ach, isn't this lovely?

Are we wearing something belonging
to her?

Mary? Ha. I don't believe it.

Ach, would you look who it is.

My God. Sarah McCool.

Have you got a picture in
the attic?

Ach, away of that.

She hasn't changed a bit,
sure she hasn't.

Aye, well,
a lot of work goes into it.

Ach, Joe, Gerry. You keeping well?

Not so bad, not so bad.
No complaints, love.

I can't believe I've run into you.
I'm not back a wet week.

How are you finding it? Strange, you
know. But good, good strange.

Look, I have to get off at
the next stop,

and my stuff is all the way up
the other end, so...

No bother at all.
So good to see you again.

You too. Bye.

Who was that? No idea.

Don't know her from Adam.

So why did you pretend
that you did?

We could hardly break
the girl, Gerry.

That's the trouble with you
Dubliners. You've no manners.

I'm not from Dublin, Joe.

Is he not? I'm from Navan.

Sure that's worse.
How is that worse?

I don't know, but it's not better.

Look, it's grand. She's gone now.

We got away with it.
We totally got away with it.

Ladies and gentlemen, our
apologies for any inconvenience...
Are we slowing down?

There's a problem on the line.
We will be holding
the train here indefinitely.

Hello, again. Ha-ha-ha.

And you thought you'd seen
the back of me.

Aye, we did, aye.

Come on.

How much longer are we going to be
stuck here? This is unbearable.

It's been a minute,
Michelle. Like seconds.

I am so f*cking bored.

Oh. I know this really
cr*cker game.

Yeah?
I think of a number

and you all have
to guess what it is.

Orla, we're not going to sit here
guessing numbers.

. No. . No. .
No.

, . No.

Or we could just, you know, talk.
Talk?

Yes, Michelle, talk,
like normal people, who are normal.

We ran out of things
to talk about in , Erin.

No, we didn't.
There's lots we could talk about.

Like? Like our hopes, our ambitions,
our dreams.

OK, so last night there was this
lion chasing me,

but it had wee, tiny legs.

It was a full size lion

but it had the legs of
a sausage dog.

Not those type of dreams, Orla.

I mean our dreams for the future.

What lives do we want to live?

What legacy do we hope to leave?

Yes, James, go on.

Oh, sorry. I thought I was going to
sneeze, but I lost it.

Fine. We'll just sit here in silence
then. Is that what you want?

It's not a bad idea, actually.
Suits me.

I'll just think in my own head.

Clare would have talked. Sh.

Here we go.

Ah. Sister Michael. Hi.

Clare.
I wasn't sure you saw me.

No, no, I did.

Right.

Heading to Portrush?

Yep.

Anything nice planned?

No.

OK.

I just don't see the point.
Can't we just move on?

All right, Conor. The truth is,
you never satisfied me sexually.

Oh, please no.

Oh, Christ, it's been...

Years? Has it been years?

Ha. At least ten.
Oh, God, imagine.

What age must your wee girls
be now? .

They're .
God, time flies, doesn't it?

And what about you?
How's your...do you...have you?

Playing with fire there, Mary.
Are you still, you know,
are you not, you know?

You don't have to b*at around
the bush, Mary.

Well, I do a bit.

I'm still single. Ah.

Sure, who'd take me on?

Don't say that.
You're a fine-looking woman.

Stop it. I'm serious.

You could slice your hand on
those cheekbones.

Well, I mean,

there was someone once,
but, he's married now, so.

But not to you.

Sure it's only what I deserve,
after what happened.

Isn't that what everybody thinks?

Is it? But sure, who hasn't made
a mistake in their time, girls?

Don't talk to me.

I had a perm in ' that made me
look like Leo Sayer.

Dark days. Very dark days.

Anyway, enough of my woes.

We've not heard much out of you,
Joe. How's life been treating you?

Ah, not great, I'm afraid.
I caught dementia.

Dementia?
Riddled with it, so I am.

Ach, that's awful.
I can't remember a bloody thing.

I am so sorry to hear that, Joe.

Thanks, love.

Fair play, Joe.

I'm sorry,
can nobody else hear that?

What? The racket you're making.

I'm just breathing.

It sounds a bit like when you let
the air out of a bouncy castle.

It's average. It's normal,
average breathing.

It's English breathing, James.

It is a bit oppressive, actually.

Fine. I'll just sit on my own,
then, shall I?

Yeah, thank you.

What is taking you so long,
d*ck splash?

This isn't my bag.

Are you sure?
Unless I forgot

the fact that I packed
a sh*t-ton of cash and a g*n.

What?

And a pair of pliers,
some hairspray,

a toothbrush,
and one of those wee face hats.

A face hat?

Jesus Christ, Orla.

And a bag of Tayto.
What flavour?

Salt and vinegar.
Can we focus here, please?

There's at least a grand in here.

And a g*n. An actual g*n.

That guy.

When he was moving he must have
taken my bag by mistake.

Just put it back.

What? The bag. Just put it back.

And what about my bag?

It has my camera in it,
my swimming trunks.

Just swim in your cacks.
I don't want to swim in my cacks.

This is more important than
your cacks.

He's dangerous.
Just put it back exactly as it was.

He can't know that we have touched
anything.

Fantastic.

Right, so that's five cups of tea,

a juice for the wean.
I'll take a KitKat.

No KitKats, I'm afraid.
Yeah, there's some there.

Those are display KitKats.
Display KitKats?

They're for display purposes only,
bird brain.

I'll get these. Indeed you will not.
Put your purse away.

I've got it. Here, son.

Ah. Here, hold on, son.

You've done yourself.
That's p too much.

God, you'd never know
he had dementia.

Aye, it comes and goes.

Thanks.
And thanks for being so nice.

Not everyone has been glad
to see me back.

People can be so judgmental.

I bet you were shocked at
the time, too.

You must have felt like you didn't
even know me.

Who really knows anybody?

You can ask me about it,
girls. I know you must be dying to.

Ach, sure, is there any point in
raking it all up again?

Ask me.

I have irritable bowel syndrome.

I'm sorry? Don't be.
It's just one of those things.

Aye, mine's playing up,
now you mention it.

You have trouble with your bowels
as well, do you, Sarah?

I'm crippled with them,
Gerry, as well you know.

Do you fancy a game of Guess Who?

Maybe it wasn't a robbery.
Maybe he's a hit man

and that stash is his blood money.

We don't have hit men.
We have Provos.

We had Provos,
but ever since the ceasefire,

paramilitary work has been drying up
a bit,

so maybe people are branching out.

You're welcome. Huh.

The display KitKats?

How did you get
the display KitKats?

I made him an offer
he couldn't refuse.

What sort of offer? Let's just say
everybody has their price.

Orla. You know the money that was
in that bag with the g*n?

Go on.

Please tell me you did not swap that
money for those KitKats. No.

Oh, thank God.

I mean, not all of it.

How much of it?

or something.
f*cking hell, Orla.

sh*t. Look. He's going
to open the bag.

He's going to open the bag. He's
going to realise it's the wrong one

and he's going to come over here,
he's going to find his bag,

he's going to look inside,

he's going to see that
there's quid missing.

Then he's going to k*ll all of us

with his actual g*n that he
actually has.

We need to get out of here.

Christ, this is desperate.

I know, Mary. We're in too deep.
There's only one thing for it.

OK, let's do it.
What are you playing at?

I thought we were making a run
for it. We can't do that.

Why not? We're in the back arse of
nowhere, for one thing,

and we can't just abandon Gerry,
Daddy and our own weans.

Are you sure?

No. We can't desert our family

because we got ourselves into
a slightly embarrassing situation.

Slightly embarrassing?
I'm turning inside out here.

We have to tell the truth.

We have to tell her we can't
remember who she is. Oh.

Jesus, just hand me a spade
and let me bury myself.

We'd like a word. I'm busy.

We want it back. What?

You know what, dickhead.

The money. The £ .

I have no idea what you're
talking about.

We can return the KitKats.

- No, we can't.
- Honestly, Orla.

Look, my cousin isn't all there,
you know, brain-wise.

Oh, really? Because she told me
she got better grades

in her GCSEs than you did. So.

She didn't get better grades. You
didn't get better grades than me,
we got the same grades.

I tried to have hers disputed
because...

Let's keep on track here, Erin.

OK. The point is,
you took advantage of her,

so just give us back the
money, or...

Or what? What are you going to do?

OK, Fra.
We never wanted it to come to this.

But you have messed with
the wrong crowd this time, punk.

Orla, no. For the love of God, no.

Do not pull out that...
Is that a toothbrush?

It's not just any toothbrush.

I see. You think it's wise
threatening someone in my position?

You're a trolley dolly, Fra, so.

Yeah, and it's a toothbrush.

You think I'm not armed.
Well, think again.

This has gone in
a direction I wasn't expecting.

Orla, drop the toothbrush.
Fra, lose the banana.

This is serious.
Someone could get hurt.

Really? I'll take my chances.

Oh, I'm not backing down now.
I've come too far.

OK, so I'm thinking we could be here
a while.

Oh, my God!
It's Bouncer from Neighbours.

I thought he was dead.

Leg it.

Damn it.

Do you have freckles?

Yes.

Think I'm getting warmer.

Well, you're not getting any bloody
wiser, that's for certain.

All right, Mary?
Do you want to play Guess Who?

Well, it's funny you should
say that.

It's absolutely brilliant.
Come here.

Look at this.
Who does that look like?

Isn't he the absolute spit
of our Thomas?

I mean,
if you can imagine the 'tache.

He looks like Thomas O'Shea.

Yeah. Thomas O'Shea.

Lived three doors down from us on
the Lecky Road.

He had a sister, Aideen O'Shea.
This is Aideen O'Shea.

Aideen. That's it.
Aideen O'Shea was massive.

No, Sarah. We're talking huge.
Gorgeous looking girl,

but she'd have made four of
you, love.

And she was mad. Sure,
didn't she get banged up?

Sarah, really? She's in prison.

She's not any more.

But a ten-year stretch does wonders
for the old figure.

Ach, Aideen, what about you?

OK, he's still there.

Doesn't seem to have
noticed anything.

So now we just need to decide
who's going to actually,

you know, make the switch.
IN UNISON: You are.

I don't want to do it.
I think Orla should do it.

What a f*cking gentleman.

Well, she's got those massive
shoes on.

It'll be easier for her to reach
the rack.

What the hell are you doing
with that?

It must have fell when
the train started.

Right.

Nice boots.

Thank you very much.

Now get the f*ck off me.
Absolutely.

And I'd just generally like

to be a bit more adventurous,
you know?

It's just all
missionary, missionary,

missionary.
You know my friend Roisin?

She told me her and Marty Collins
get up to all sorts.

She ties him up and everything.
I'd love to do that.

No, Conor, not tie you up.

No, I mean I'd love to tie Marty
Collins up. Oh, he's so hot.

The next train
from platform two

will be the : from Londonderry
to Portrush, calling at...

I think I'll head out to
the platform.
Good idea. Excuse me, madam.

Yeah. I must tell you I am shocked.

I know what you're going to say to
me - "It's none of my business,"

but what cowboy is responsible
for this soundproofing?

It's atrocious.

You need to speak to
the lad who did our confessionals.

They're great.

There are fellas telling
Father Peter

where they stashed the m*rder w*apon
and the congregation

is none the wiser.
I'll drop his number in to you.

I can't believe it.

I lose a bit of weight
and you don't recognise me?

Yeah, were you following any sort
of programme in there, or?

Oh, my God. We grew up
together, girls.

I have the same eyes.
I have the same smile.

Come on now,

you must have cut out the carbs.
Did you?

Any real change that happened,
happened in here.

Going to prison,
it was...it was tough,

but it allowed me to work on myself.

And now that I'm out,
I'm going to do some good.

I'm going to make a difference.

Weights, was it?
Excuse me.

Holy sh*t.
Thought I'd better come find you.

I'm getting off at this next
stop here.

Jesus, I left this fella
to mind my bag.

You must have thought I wasn't
coming back.

Don't worry, sweetheart,
there you go.

Thank you.

Castlerock. Please depart safely.

Well, I'd better go too, so...

I really hope it works out for you,
Aideen. I really mean that.

Thanks, Mary. Right.
Now, where is my ticket?

Bastard. What's wrong?

I had a pack of Tayto in here.

That fella must have took them.

Animal.

I'll k*ll him.

Oi, you. Bucko.

What have you done with my Taytos?
What's wrong with you,
you mad bastard?

Take those f*cking headphones off.

Who is she, Mammy?

Just a girl we knew once.
Had a tough life.

Made a few mistakes,

but she has totally turned things
around now.

Really? Where are my crisps?

She is not happy about him nicking
the cheese and onion, is she?

They were salt and vinegar.

What? That fuckwit. Him.

That fucker there.

Is he pointing at you, son?
Oh, God.

It was him. It was him.

Where's my crisps?
You owe me a packet of crisps.

Where's my Tayto?
Where's my salt and vinegar crisps?

You stole my crisps.

Yeah, this is going to be
a great sh*t, I think.

Just make sure you get
the bit where it turns upside down.

Turns upside down?

I just hope to Christ my hat
stays on.

Hold on tight, everyone.

Here we go, folks.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we appear to have
a technical problem.

We're going to have
to stall here for the time being.

God almighty.