05x16 - Wait till Your Father Gets Home

[bunniefuu]

Read this.

Is it a valentine

Or are they holding
you back a year?

When I was , you
signed a contract

Saying when I was ,

I could do whatever I wanted.

My birthday's on monday.

Ooh, this is so cute.

I didn't even know
you saved this.

I've been waiting.

Well, it's all here, d.j.,

So I guess starting
monday you're free.

It's been great being your mom.

Yes!

Oh, oh, wait, d.j.

Well, you forgot
to get this notarized.

I'm sorry. Go clean the chimney.

I'm sick of this family.

Line forms to the rear.

I'm going to be .

I don't want any
more babysitters.

Becky and darlene were
allowed to stay alone

When they were my age.

Well, that's because girls
mature faster than boys.

So when do boys get mature?

We'll let you know as
soon as your dad gets there.

I heard that,

And I choose to respond thusly.

Mom lied to me.

Well, you're lucky.
There are kids in china

Whose mothers have
no lies to give them.

Mom says boys aren't
as mature as girls.

Damn it. The boy keeps hearing

All this negative stuff
about men, and it's not true.

He's as mature as
the girls ever were.

Well, your son wants to
stay home all by himself.

No way. He's a boy.

I'm going to get a lawyer.

Kids can divorce their
parents for stuff like this.

You know that boy that
divorced his parents?

You know what he's doing now?

Every night he goes
out cruising the bars

Looking for new parents,

And I can't tell you the kind
of garbage that's out there.

D.j., Run upstairs for a minute.

I'm not done talking about this.

Go upstairs.

I'm not finished.

What's going on?

It's joan. She's calling
about your dad.

What happened?

You never listen.

D.j., Get upstairs now!

He died, honey.

You doing o.k.?

No, not really.

Uh, yeah, I'm here.

It's harris, al harris.

He's my dad.

Look, I just got through telling
this whole thing to somebody else.

All I want to know

Is if his flight's
coming in on time.

No, not coach. Try baggage.

Ask them about his
frequent flyer miles.

He was a salesman.

That would have been
very important to him.

Jackie, can't you go and
get drunk or something?

Yeah, I'm here.

Listen, this is going
to sound kind of weird,

But is he going to be coming
down that conveyer belt

With everybody's baggage?

No, no, the
mortuary picks him up.

Oh, that's good, because I
didn't think we could fit him

In our truck.

Well, I'm sorry you
don't think that's funny.

Hey, I'm saving my best
jokes for the funeral.

That's it. I'm not
making any more calls.

You do the rest
of the family list.

I can't call people, roseanne.

Jackie, dial.

I'm supposed to be in mourning.

Wear a veil over your
face while you do it.

Can't handle... Auntie
barbara, it's jackie.

Jackie.

I'm fine.

Fine.

I'm fine.

I have some bad news.

Dad is not with us anymore.

I said dad has passed away.

He's passed away!

Dad is gone.

Dad's dead!

He's dead!

No, dead!

Dead!

He's fine. He sends his love.

Bye.

I am not doing that again.

You can't make me.

Hello, girls.

Where have you been?

Hi, mom.

Everybody doing o.k.?

Yeah, we're doing fine.
How are you doing?

I'm not sure. You dream
about this moment,

And then it happens,
and it's just not the same.

Jackie, you look exhausted.

Well, I had to talk
to auntie barbara.

I think we should
all have some tea

And then pour large
amounts of brandy into it.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Darlene, will you
put on some water

And then bring the brandy
down from your room?

Don't you think if I
had brandy in my room,

I'd spend more time at home?

So, did joan have more details,

Or was she rushing out to
break up another marriage?

He was on the road, and
he had a heart attack.

And if there's
any more, she'll...

Tell us at the funeral.

At the funeral?

She wants to be there.
We can't stop her.

Perhaps she and I
can draw straws

Over who gets to throw
themself on the coffin.

If she gets out of line,

We'll drag her behind the chapel

And beat the crap out of her.

Mom, are we out of tea bags?

I think I put them
in the cupboard.

You know, for such a rotten kid,

You're sure being a big help.

I think I put away most
of the grief buffet.

It's so bizarre how people
bring over all this food

When someone dies.

Yeah, like it's going to
make you feel any better.

Hey, chocolate cake!
When did that get here?

Well, um...

Everything's all
crazy around here,

And we haven't even had a
chance to talk or anything.

Are you o.k.?

Well, I feel bad that I
don't feel bad enough.

I mean, I haven't
seen him in a while.

I don't know. It's weird.

Well, you don't got to feel
nothing but what you feel.

I just feel like I should cry.

I haven't cried yet.

That's o.k.

Got cramps, though.

Hmm. Well, I think he
would of liked that.

Grandma, I'm really
sorry grandpa died.

I'm going to miss him.

That's sweet, dear. Your
grandfather loved you, too.

And he's going to look
very smart in this tie.

This is for grandpa?

Absolutely. You're
wearing the very tie

That will be buried with
your grandfather tomorrow.

Get it off me! Get it off!

Darlene, would you let me...

No.

Hey, mom, wouldn't it be easier

If you peeled your face off

And chased them
around the block?

Roseanne, I have
to tie this straight.

You can't trust
those funeral people.

They'll just throw it on him.

It has to be right.

His tie will be perfect, mother.

I'll make sure myself.

The man will not be buried

Under feet of
rocks, dirt, and crap

Until his tie's perfect!

Did you find the
picture of dad yet?

I can't decide.

The mortician needs to see it

To figure out what dad's
supposed to look like.

How about that one?

That's his navy
picture from !

Well, he looks so handsome!

I think they're going
to have a little trouble

Trying to sew his
hand to his forehead.

I can't take this anymore.
My stomach hurts.

You don't have
to take it anymore,

'Cause you can be the
designated basket case this time,

O.k.?

O.k.

I love you, roseanne.

I love you, too, weirdo.

Come on, we got to hurry,

Because I want
to be back by : .

How come?

'Cause joan is getting in early,

And i... Want to invite
her over to the house.

Well, jeez, roseanne,

Don't you think
that's a little odd,

Inviting dad's other
woman over to your house?

Well, hey, like it or not,

She's been part of
his life for years.

Just seems like the thing to do.

Well, fine. That's...
That's great.

What, jackie?

Well, if you're so
comfortable with this woman,

It might have been nice

To invite her over
when dad was alive.

Yeah, but then dad
would have came with her.

This way I'm pretty sure
he ain't going to show.

I didn't get to see my father

The last two years of
his life because of you,

And now you're playing
hostess to his mistress.

You're not blaming me
for you not seeing dad.

You made him so unwelcome
here, he never visited.

Just because you hated him,

The rest of the family
had to hate him, too.

You are so wrong!

You are so selfish!

Oh. Oh, I'm selfish.

Have you noticed
who's been doing

All the planning
for this funeral?

Did you notice
that it wasn't you?

That's 'cause you don't care,

So it's no problem for
you to handle everything.

I loved him.

Well when did you
love him more jackie,

When he'd come home and beat us,

Or when he didn't
come home at all?

That was long ago.

You don't know what
went on in his mind

In his last years.

You didn't even give him a
chance to say he was sorry.

Well, you love him so much,

You go down to that funeral home

And make the rest
of the arrangements.

I'm selfish, so I wash my
hands of the whole thing.

Fine. I will make the rest
of the arrangements.

You're calling auntie barbara

With directions to the
cemetery, right, roseanne?

Roseanne!

Come on, jacks, I'm here.

Why do we have to
pick out a casket now

When my dad just died?

Kinda happens that way, jackie.

Hello. I'm frank benders.

You must be roseanne.

No, I'm jackie. I'm
roseanne's sister.

I am going to make
the arrangements.

How was that?

Dan conner. Nice to meet you.

We're not very good at this,

So could we just get
through it quickly?

Certainly. I want to make
this as easy as possible.

Would you like to see the body?

Oh, god!

I think that's a big no
on that one. Thank you.

I understand.

He called dad the body?

Jackie, you want me to do this?

No. I said I was going to
make the arrangements,

So let's start arranging.

All right. First off,

We should probably
pick out the casket.

They're all nice.

Very nice.

I like the white one.

That is a lovely choice.

Roseanne would never pick white.

She says it gets dirty too fast.

I don't think that really
applies here, jackie.

She'd want the black.

I'll take the white.

White it is.

And I would like a
satin pillow, too.

She'd hate that.

Maybe we should
ask what this costs.

Since your mother and father

Already bought
their adjoining plots,

It shouldn't be that expensive.

How much is not expensive?

Well, let's see.
The white rose...

Oh, the white rose.

$ , .

I guess that's a lot.

That's a lot, isn't it, dan?

Yes, that is a lot.

Maybe I should
look at some others.

Oh, of course. But
you should realize

That they are of lesser quality.

So... What you're saying

Is that if she really loved him,

She'd get the white rose,

And if she doesn't,

She'd get something
with a twist tie

And the word
"hefty" on the side.

No.

No. No.

I'm sorry.

If cost is a consideration,

I'm sure that we
can find something

That you can be
comfortable with.

Before we go on, I
want you to know

That I'm feeling very
irrational right now.

I'm likely to buy anything
that you show me.

I'm also very likely
to take out a g*n

And blow your head
off if I think you're...

Taking advantage of me.

So I would play
me very carefully.

That a girl.

Roseanne?

Hi, joan.

I'm...

Glad you could come down.

Well, thanks for asking me out.

I understand about
not coming to the house.

Yeah, well,

It looks pretty
much like this place.

Let me order a
beer or something.

Could I get you a second?

Well, you could

If you would've gotten
here an hour ago.

Could...

I'll have what she's having.

Wow. This is so weird,

Sitting here drinking a beer

With my dead father's mistress.

It's funny.

I'm not a mistress
in kansas city,

But I am in lanford.

Oh, no, no, no.

In lanford, you're
something else.

Really?

I don't think you asked
me here to insult me.

No, I didn't. I'm sorry.

Uh...

Listen, what I did
ask you here for

Is 'cause...

I want to ask you some
stuff about my dad.

You know, you're...

Kind of the only person
that's been with him

For the last couple of years...

Well, I just wanted
to know if, uh...

There's any time
where he said anything

About any mistakes
he might've made

Or, uh...

Any regrets maybe that he had.

Yeah.

He really regretted
what happened

Between him and you girls.

Oh, he really said that?

Come on, roseanne.

You must've known
how unhappy he was.

I...

Just thought he
didn't give a damn.

Didn't give a damn?

He prided himself on what
a devoted father he was.

You've got to be kidding me.

He always said

You girls never appreciated
what he did for you,

Because he spoiled you so much.

Well, if he meant
spoiled as in wrecked.

Roseanne,

I know you're upset
with your father

For having an affair.

You think this is
about the affair?

You don't know nothing.

You don't know nothing
about my childhood.

I could tell you
stuff about my dad

That you couldn't even handle.

Look...

We shouldn't be doing this.

In spite of everything,

Your dad did die
knowing you loved him.

I got to go.

Hello. I guess
I'm a little early.

I'm beverly harris.

I know.

You must be joan.

Yes. We finally meet.

What a shame

We don't have some
sort of flavored coffee

To celebrate this
moment in our life.

I understand how
you feel about me.

Do you?

Well, I think I
better go inside.

Not yet.

I've waited a long
time for this moment,

And you will not rob me of it.

All right.

Go ahead.

I think you should be shot.

I long for the days

When we could brand someone
like you with a scarlet letter,

Leaving you a lonely,
miserable outcast.

And if you ever
contract an incurable

And very painful disease,

I will not be able
to stop myself

From dancing a jig of glee.

Now, that being said,

I would like to sell
you my burial plot.

Are you serious?

You love him so much,

You spend eternity
next to the man.

Mom?

Hello, dear. We're chatting.

Go away.

Mom, do I have to remind you?

We can only afford
one coffin today.

Ms. Harris, if I could
just have one moment.

Before we close the casket,

I'm going to need someone
to identify the body.

I'll do it.

O.k. I think that's fair,

'Cause I got to pick the
pillow and everything.

Want me to go in?

No. I want to do it.

Right this way, mrs. Conner.

Just a quick look,

And then I'll close it.

Fine.

That's all I need.

Can I have a minute
in here by myself?

Of course.

Take your time.

Uh, dad,

I'm real sorry that you died

Before I got to
tell you some stuff.

O.k.

"I'm angry at you

"For lying to me my whole life.

"I'm angry that I
didn't ever know

"Who you really were.

"I'm mad that when I was kid,

"You ignored me,

"And when you did
give me any attention,

"It was usually violent.

"I'm mad that you left us alone

"With a crazy mother.

"I'm mad that because of you,

"I grew up distrustful of men,

"And I couldn't even
trust my own husband

"For the first five
years we were married.

"I'm mad at you

"Because you did all
the same stuff to jackie

"And because you made us feel

"Like we were never good enough.

"But now I just need it to end.

"So, dad, I'm forgiving you,

"Just because I need
to move on with my life.

And I forgive myself
for being so damn angry."

Thank you for your...

Humor.

Humor.

What do you want to do now?

Mmm, just sit out
here for a while.

Want to eat another casserole?

No.

It's kind of cool
sitting out here anyway,

You know, looking
up at the stars

And listening to all the quiet.

[Sighs]

You know, gives you
time to think about stuff.

Want to watch tv?

God, yes. What's on?

I don't know.

It's : .

Oh, hey, it's time for
my favorite show.

What?

You know. That guy.

That, uh, sheckie thomas guy,

You know?

Did you see that one
with the monkeys?

Oh, that guy.

Did you see the episode where
he had the woman stalker on?

Man, she was scary.

No, I missed that one.