05x04 - Meant to Be

[bunniefuu]

Are you out of your mind?

You got Amy on hold,
you got Stefania in Italy

and now you're dating
Joanne again?

No dating, okay?

Just talking on the phone,
you know, like friends.

Friends. The woman
threw an ashtray at your head.

It's called passion,
Raymond.

And who knows?
There might still be some sparks there.

Then someone should throw
a fire extinguisher at your head.

Joanne has changed
a lot, okay?

She's not
like she used to be.

Three women... I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

You do a dance,
you gigantic lucky bastard.

I know. I know.
I can't believe it.

I never thought I'd have
three women my whole life.

Hey, we all lost money
on that bet.

You know how you can
tell which one is the right broad?

Look, it's all right, Dad,

- I don't have...
- Shut up. It's simple.

Which lady is
going to take care of you,

cook for you,
let you have the good pillow?

Dad, you're 100. Shouldn't you have
more than one good pillow?

It's the whole package.

Which one is gonna laugh
at your jokes?

They all do, except Stefania doesn't
speak English very well,

so I have to do a lot
of hand gestures, funny noises.

Which one doesn't freak out
when they see this coming at them?

Ha-ha, Raymond!

Who's got hips
wide enough

to bear
your enormous children?

Well, that'd be Amy,
but don't tell her.

You know, with Amy,
you're the only one

she's ever had sex with, so technically, you
can't disappoint her.

True.

Add it up.
Amy's your winner.

Well, we did used to talk
about having kids.

And she's always stuck
behind me,

and, well, we do make
each other happy.

It's as if we're
meant to be, isn't it?

Yeah, maybe,
what do I know?

All right, Amy.
That's it, yes, it's Amy.

And you know what? We're gonna
start fresh with a clean slate.

I'm gonna tell her
about Joanne and Stefania.

What?

Well, I don't want
to have any secrets.

What, are you nuts?

You never tell
a woman anything.

Even if they figure it out,
you deny.

But Amy would want me
to be honest.

Yeah, that's how
they get you.

You think that's what they want,
and you cannot believe the yelling.

Yeah, is that what you want?
42 years of,

"For God's sakes,
close your robe!"

Hey...

that's what I'll do.

I'll tell my girlfriend
about my other girlfriends.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Honesty is the best policy.
Yeah yeah yeah.

Hey hey hey hey.
Look look look.

You got three women
after you, huh?

Let me check over here.

You got three women
after you, huh, do you?

Then who does?
Oh, wait a minute.

I believe that's me.

I'll figure it out,
gentlemen.

And now... adieu.

The pizza was
to your liking?

It was perfect.

No, you're perfect.

Oh, Robert, are you okay?

Oh, dear.

Yeah, thanks thanks.
I'm fine. I'm fine.

Who's burning fur?

Listen, Amy,

I think we're good
together, don't you?

Yes.

I mean, we make
a good couple, right?

Yes.

That's why I'd like to talk to you
about us being together.

I'm listening.

I think that you
and I are meant to be.

And that's why it's
important for me

to tell you
about Joanne.

- Joanne?
- Yeah, well, we've spoken,

and I think she wants to get back together,
and honestly, for awhile,

I wasn't sure
what I wanted,

but I've decided that you're
the one I wanna be with.

You've been talking
to Joanne

about getting
back together?

Well, you know, we've been talking,
and I've been thinking.

You've been talking
to Joanne

about getting
back together.

For how long, sweetie?

I don't know...
before Italy,

but see, that's why I'm telling you,
because I wanna be totally honest,

because I feel
that we are meant to be.

Meant to be.

Don't you?

Let me see.

You've been talking
with your ex-wife

- for over a month behind my back...
- Well, yeah,

but see you're not focusing
on the positive part of the story.

Oh, but I am, Robert.

I'm happy.

I mean, this is all
such wonderful news.

You've been deceitful

and you're settling
for me.

But, hey,
before I get really really

really happy,

is there anything else
you want to share with me?

No.

Well, good,

because I don't think
I could get much happier.

And thank you

for another
fabulous evening.

Tonight, I'm taking
the leftovers.

I'll be in the office tomorrow
if anybody wants to send me flowers.

Perhaps we should
cancel the spumoni.

- How's the meatloaf?
- It's good. It's very good.

Your brother-in-law,

your brother, he's a child.

Do men ever stop
being stupid?

No, they don't.

And you might wanna hold
onto your pizza.

I don't care.

- Robert told you?
- You knew?

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, he's horrible.

And he expects me to be grateful
because he told me

- when he didn't have to.
- That's unbelievable.

He's acting like he has nothing
to apologize for.

I know, and just because
he was on vacation, that is no excuse.

Vacation?

He took Joanne
on vacation?

- No no no, Stefania.
- Who?

W-what?

Who's Stefania?

Wait, who's who?
Wait, what name did you say?

Oh my gosh, look at that.
Your hair looks so good that way.

So there was just
the two slices?

Doesn't Amy's hair
look good?

I don't know.

Oh, good, Amy,
you're here.

I'm gonna need
your office address.

Who the hell
is Stefania?

Uh... uh...
uh...

Sounds like a girl's name.
Girl you met in Italy?

Uh...

What did you do
with her in Italy?

Very little.

I'm sorry.

I saved myself for you.

Really sorry.

Goodbye, Robert.

But we're meant to be.

When she got up on the couch
the second time,

what did you think
she was gonna do?

Oh, man,
she really nailed you.

Was she wearing a ring?

Our friendship ring.

Ironic.

Could I get some
frozen baby peas, Deb?

You know what, Robert?
You get your own damn peas.

What... what, are you mad at me?
What did I do?

What did you do?

Hey, look, you're the one who told Amy
about Stefania in the first place.

You should be
apologizing to me.

And what
you should have done

is tell Amy the truth
about everything.

Or better yet, not be
such a pig in the first place.

That's the worst apology
I've ever gotten.

Why would you get involved
with someone else

when you already
have a relationship?

What, does juggling three women
at a time make you cool?

Uncool.

You know, if that's the only way
you can build your self-esteem,

then you are pathetic,
and you don't deserve to be with anyone.

- That's easy for you to say.
- What was that?

Lay down, play dead.

We all know
about you, okay, Deb?

You were popular.
You juggled guys all the time.

How many guys asked you
to your senior prom, huh?

Five, six? You wanna know
who I took to my prom?

Our Cousin Nellie.

He threw up on her.

Somebody spiked the punch!

Okay, well, I'm really sorry
about you and your cousin,

but that was high school.
I grew up.

I realized the only
thing that matters

is having someone
that understands me,

that'll be there for me, somebody
that I want to grow old with.

Get off of me!

I thought that you felt
that way about Amy.

Well, I did. I do.

Then why would
you fool around with Stefania?

Have you seen Stefania?

What's the matter
with you, Robert?

I mean, you're not one
of those slimeballs

who's only interested
in scoring with chicks?

I could be.

No, you couldn't, or you wouldn't
have waited two years

for Amy to be ready.
I just don't get you.

You're in a committed relationship
with someone who loves you,

and you blew it.

Honesty...
don't believe the hype.

I just saw Amy.
She's crying.

Did you break up again?

Yeah, and I think it's
for good this time, Ma,

but it's all right.
I'll be fine.

You'll be fine?
What about me?

Amy was gonna give me
more grandchildren!

Come on! Stop it!

And there was talk of a guest house.
I could leave your father if I wanted.

- Stop it!
- Oh, God, I can't do this anymore.

I can't.
Do you want to k*ll me?

Because you're
k*lling me.

Sorry.

Good. Now pick up
this phone

- and tell that to Amy.
- No, Ma, I can't call her now.

Well, I could see how this
would be a little awkward.

Don't worry.
I know what to say.

No, w...
stop it, Ma!

Just stop it.

I blew it. It's over.
She'll never take me back.

We are not giving up.
We could still work this out.

Would you let it go,
all right?! It's my life!

I'll do what I want!

Who's been telling him
it's his life?

- You ready to order?
- Actually, I'm waiting for somebody.

No, thanks,
no fire tonight.

- Hi, Bobby.
- Hi, Joanne.

I'm sorry I'm late.

One of my clients
had a fender-bender.

I had to go hold
his hand.

Wow, insurance.
It's like police work.

You know,
you're always on call,

except they don't
sh**t at you.

Only when they find out
how little we pay.

Bobby, relax.

It's just me.

I know. It's weird.

You know, it's like I know you,
but like I don't know you.

I'm so glad you wanted
to have dinner tonight.

I think we've both
been thinking the same thing.

I think maybe we have.

Robert, you know how I am.

I see what I want,
and I go for it.

And what I want is you.

You know, when we were
talking on the phone,

I was getting
that same vibe.

Well, you know, Bobby,
I'm no Snow White.

I've had
my share of dates

and insurance
conventions.

Truth...
you were my best.

Well, thank you.
Right back at ya.

Ooh, that heat.
Can you feel it?

- Pizza oven.
- Bobby.

Oh, yes. Yes, I feel
the other heat.

We need to be together.

Well, I'd like that.

Maybe we're...
meant to be.

Yes, we are.

So hey, you wanna go
to the movies later?

- What?
- Oh, I know. Miniature golf.

I know this great course
that looks over Long Island Sound.

What what?
What's so funny?

You. I forgot how
funny you could be.

Miniature golf.

What I'm interested
in, Bobby,

doesn't have anything
miniature about it.

But regular golf
takes so long.

I don't want any
of that other stuff, Bobby.

There's only one thing

I want from you.

I didn't mean to startle you.
That's just my foot.

Oh oh, your foot.
Well, you know, it's this dive.

You know, you never know
what's crawling around.

Yeah, a pony!

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

I think your foot
speaks for itself, yes.

But wouldn't you like
something more?

- Like what?
- A relationship.

A pizza and hot sex?
Most guys would consider that

- the perfect relationship.
- I'm not saying that's bad.

I just thought it might be part
of a bigger arrangement.

Like our marriage?
We tried that.

Well, okay, I know, but let me
tell you something,

I'm not one of those guys who's
only interested in scoring with chicks.

Oh, come on.
Let's just have some fun.

I saw that vanilla pudding
you were dating... Emily.

- Amy.
- Amy.

You can't tell me
she did anything for you.

Well, now that is none
of your... stop it.

Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!

Are you serious?

Yes, I am serious.

Now kindly remove
your foot.

Fine.

Okay, then.

Good luck to you.

Well well, wait. What?
What's that? You're leaving?

I have nothing to say to you
unless you need insurance.

Then okay to you!

That's right,
and let me tell you something else,

Robert Barone is not
available for a booty call!

You heard me.

Hello, Amy...

Look, Amy, don't
hang up. I... I...

Amy, don't hang up.
It's Robert.

Okay, listen,
I screwed up.

I don't know what
I want to do.

Could I just come over?
Okay, I'll be right over.

Thanks, Ma.

Hello? Hello?

Don't hang up.

It's Robert.
Is Stefania there?

No more long distance.

Could have been worse.

Could have ended up
with one of them.