04x03 - Why Jackie Becomes a Trucker

[bunniefuu]

No. Go back
in the basement

Till I tell mom
and dad about you.

Stay. I'll go
get you some food.

Morning, D.J.

Can I have
the car tonight?

Where are you going?

Mother, I'm .
You don't have
to be overprotective.

Yes, I do.
I love that car.

Roseanne, remember
the poker game's
here tonight.

Why can't you have it
at Chuckie's house?

It's my turn.

What's this?

Dan, we shouldn't
have let D.J. have
that chemistry set.

What have you got
to say for yourself?

Can I have a dog?

We're not keeping it.
That thing is disgusting.

I'll take care
of him.

Honey, that's
what you said

About the frog
and turtle

And the goldfish
and the mouse,

And they're all
in heaven now,

Aren't they,
honey?

Mom, the dog stinks
worse than D.J.

He does not.

You guys leave
the room

While dad and me
talk to D.J.

Don't screw
this up, mother.

Remember the frog,
the turtle--

Well, this one's
too big to flush.

Did he follow you
home from school
or something?

No. I traded Kenny
my comic books
for him.

Does Kenny's mom know
he traded his dog?

She gave me
the dog food.

Well,
I'm sorry, D.J.,

But you're going to have
to take him back, honey.

Why?

Because it's a big
responsibility, D.J.

Your sisters aren't
going to help you.

Me and daddy
are busy,

And last time your
dad made that rule.
No more pets.

You're a happy boy.
Yes, you are.

Look at you wagging
your happy tail.

Mmm. Aroo!

Dan, would you
like to explain

your
no more pets rule

Or keep kissing
the dog?

Your mom's right.
Kenny's mom has
to pick up the dog.

Take him outside.

It's not fair.

He is cute.

Yeah, well,
you just fall in love

With anything
that licks your nose.

No. It was the way
you kicked your leg

When I scratched
your tummy.

Hello, Lorraine,
it's Roseanne Conner.

Yeah. Yeah,
your dog's here.

No, I don't
blame you at all.

You had
to take a shot,

So when can you come
and pick him up?

Ok. I'll
see you then.

Thanks. Bye.

I Feel sorry
for that dog.

Nobody wants him.
It's pitiful.

That reminds me.
I need to call Jackie.

I'm kind of worried
about her

'Cause she called here
last night

all freaked out
from the lobo lounge.

She ran into Gary
and his brand-new fiancee.

Gary's
getting married?

Yeah.
She was drunk, so
I called her a cab

To get her home.

Come on, sis.
Answer the damn phone.

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Ring]

Hello?

Hello?

What in the...

Oh, my...

What did I do?

Listen, I dropped
my car keys
down your toilet.

You'll have to
drive me home.

Aah!

Come on, Jackie, answer
the damn phone.

Still no luck, huh?

No. She doesn't even
have her answering
machine on.

You know, this is
so like her.

She gets upset and
goes into hiding.

I'm the same way, Roseanne.

When I'm feeling down,
I don't want to see anyone
I don't want a talk to anyone.

Well, see now that's
where we differ.

When I'm in
a bad mood,

I can't wait
to spread it around.

Hey, Leon.

Hi, Dan.

Hello, wife.
Hello, friend of wife.

Hey, Danny.

What are you
doing here?

I thought we'd go
catch a movie.

Yeah? Cool. Ok.

Well, I'll go
get my coat.

What happened
to your poker game?

Davey canceled, and
we're a guy short.

Besides,
I'd rather be
with my baby.

If you need
another player,
I love poker.

Baby, the game's
back on.

What happened to
being with my baby?

We can go to
the movies any time.

Yeah, but we don't.

We could.

Don't expect me
to sit there

watching
you play poker.

Bonnie, want to go to
the movies or something?

Sure.

Ok. I'll get Jackie
and see who else
wants to go.

Great.

So, don't expect me
to make any
stupid sandwiches

For your poker game.

Oh, Leon,
house rules--

The new guy brings
the sandwiches.

No problem. We're
in a restaurant.

Roseanne--

No.

Bonnie--

No way.

Let's just
pick up a pizza
on the way over.

I don't want Leon
in my house, Dan.

Why not?

Because
he's my boss.

Bosses
aren't supposed
to be in your house.

It's wrong.
Don't you see?

He's only going to be here
a couple of hours, lose a lot
of money then leave.

Don't let him look
in the refrigerator.

He'll see everything
I swiped from
the restaurant.

Mom, the dog
ate my slippers,

Destroyed my
brand-new sweater,

And now look
what he's using
as his chew toy.

I hope he bought you
dinner first.

Just get rid
of him, please.

I'll
take care of it.

Did you call Lorraine?

I'm calling.

It's my
fourth time today.

Hi, Lorraine.
It's Roseanne.

When are you going
to come and get
this dog?

Oh, a kitchen fire.

Ok. Well, call me
up later, then.

A kitchen fire?

Yeah. You wouldn't
believe the day
Lorraine's had.

First her car
breaks down

And now a kitchen fire.

Man, the way
her luck is going,

I wouldn't be
surprised if some
irate mother of three

jams a skanky dog
down her throat.

Hi.

Hey.

Is Roseanne ready?

Oh, she's
getting changed.

She told me
about Gary.
I'm really sorry.

Aw, jeez, Dan, no.

I broke up
with him months ago.

I mean,
I dumped the guy,

So, if he's seeing
somebody else,
that's his business.

I wish him
all the luck
in the world.

Do you have
any vodka?

The place is ours.
Let's eat.

This is great!

Apple pie.

Roseanne, I could
lose my job

If anybody found out
I let you in here.

Gordon, if you
get fired,

It'll be because
of those parties
you have

In the mattress
department.

Ooh, Gordon!

Since the guys
have their game,
every week,

How about we
do this every week?

Yeah. Girls
night out.

We could go bowling.

We could play bingo.

Awesome. Great.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah,
that's just great.

No, it ain't.

Uh-oh.

Jackie.

Jackie, you're
sucking the fun
out of this party.

I'm having fun.

No. You're
sitting there

Like a great big
lump of death.

I'm having
a good time.

So, you're upset
about Gary.

No, I'm fine
about Gary.

What is it, then?

I can't--

It's personal.
I'll tell you later.

Jackie, these are
my closest friends.

Whatever you tell me
in confidence

I'll eventually
tell them anyway.

Thanks, Roseanne.

Well, that's
just how I feel.

I say if we can't
share our feelings
with one another,

We might as well
be men.

Hear, hear!

No, I can't.

Oh, Jackie.

You don't have
to tell us.

If you want to,
we're here for you.

Oh, god.

Ok.

All right.

I do need
to talk about it.

I guess.

Have you ever
done something

That you're
really ashamed of?

No. Never mind.

Oh, well, I have.

Uh, well...

Well, ok.

Wh-when I was a senior
in high school,

I voted for myself
for homecoming queen.

I thought you
were going
to tell that story

About when you
wanted to look
really popular,

so you gave
yourself a hickey

with the vacuum
cleaner.

Oh, Roseanne.

I--I would have never
told that story,
Roseanne.

Oh, whatever.

Ok.

All right.

How about this?

The first time
I did it with Chuck,

I told him I wasn't
a virgin, but I really was.

Why would you
lie about something
like that?

I didn't want him
strutting around

Like he was
christopher columbus.

Oh, like they do.

That's what they do.

Yes, they do.

Ok.

Uh, this one time,

I, uh, wrote
this bad check

To the, uh, Jerry
Lewis telethon,

Um, just so I
could hear him
say my name

On television.

Oh, Roseanne,
you didn't do that.

Oh, no.

Oh, Jackie,
ok, well,

I think
I got something

a little more
on the lines

of, um, what
you'd call shame.

Back when duke and I
were drinking,

We kind of like
were short on cash,

So, uh, we robbed
a liquor store.

Whoa.

Well, I--I guess you
really were desperate.

Oh, for god's sake,

people rob liquor stores
all the time.

I slept with Arnie.

Aah! Aah!

What?

Oh, Jackie.

You slept
with Arnie?

Yeah. It's out
in the open.

So, where's all
the supportive stuff?

What the hell
were you thinking?

I was thinking
that I just lost

A great guy
like Gary,

And now he's gone,
and I'll never find
another great guy.

I'm years old,

I've got flabby arm
and pelican neck,

All my house planets are dead
and no one loves me,

But what difference
does that make?

Everything
in my life sucks.

Oh, well, that's
still no excuse.

Uh--I...

Oh-oh, I--I...

I was drunk, I...

I made a mistake.

A mistake?

A mistake.

Jackie!

Do I have
to remind you

That when we were
in high school

We all took
a blood oath

That this man
would never be given
the chance to breed?

Come on.
Come on, guys.

I thought you were
going to be there for me.

Well...
Give us a minute.

Oh, my god.

Do you realize

When everybody
in this town sees me,

They're going to say,

"There goes the sister

of the woman
who slept with Arnie."

People forget,
Roseanne.

Don't
beat yourself up
over this.

You couldn't have
seen this coming...

And last card
down and dirty.

Speaking of down and dirty,

You guys want
to hear what happened
last night?

No. No.
No.

Anybody want
another beer?

Me.

Your
bet.

Quarter.

It's really incredible.

I can't believe
what happened.

Last night.

To me.

Quarter to you,
Arnie.

Well, well, well.

A gallon of mayo,

a gallon
of pickle chips,

and, yes,
it looks like

a tub of rodbell's
famous cole slaw.

Just like
my refrigerator at home.

Ok, I'll tell you, guys.
I'll tell you.

Last night,
this really gorgeous chick

Came on to me.

What was she
this time, Arnie?

A model,
a movie star?

No. This time
she was real.

You mean that thing

with you and Kathleen Turner
on the monkey bars

never really happened?

I'm not kidding.

Of course not.

Listen, Dan,
I'm new here.

Should I treat him
like an idiot, too?

We don't
stand on ceremony,

But it is
considered polite.

Doesn't anyone
want to hear?

Cut it out,
Arnie.

Yeah, like you'd cheat
on Nancy.

I did.

You're not kidding.

No.

What is
the matter with you?

You just
got Nancy back.

Well,
this woman wanted me

And you guys know
that never happens.

Arnie, you're engaged.
You just don't do it.

Nancy's been
real good to you.

Don't act
like I'm a criminal.

You guys would have done
the same thing.

No way. No.

You're saying that

Because you're married
and you're whipped.

He's got you there,
Chuckie.

Leon,
you're not married.

Help me out here.

Let's say
Melanie Griffith
wants you bad.

Are you going
to tell her no?

Actually,
I'd say no.

The hell you would!

You lying dog!

Guys, I'm serious.

Sure, you are,
Leon.

Didn't Roseanne
tell you?

Tell me what?

That I'm gay.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, right.

Jeez, I-I
thought you knew.

No.

No, I mean,
you know, it's ok.

It happens.

Yeah. It did.

[Whistling]

Well--well,
you know, um...

I--I know
a gay guy.

Uh,
his name's Bill.

He--he lives
in Chicago...

M-maybe
you know him.

Yeah. Yeah,
sure, I know him.

From Chicago--
gay Bill.

Smooth, Chuckie.

What?

Nobody else
is saying
anything.

I've got an idea.

Let's play cards.

Thank you.

Who's next?

Ok, Leon.

Forget about
Melanie Griffith.

Let's say
Andy griffith
hits on you.

Are you telling me
you'd say no?

Hey listen, Dan, you know
you guys are right.

Nancy and I got
something special going,

And for me to do
what I did--

I've never sunk so low.

Ok.
For the sake
of argument.

I'm making some changes.

You're going
to see a new Arnie.

You're going
to tell Nancy?

Hell, no.

The new Arnie
wouldn't rat out
the old Arnie.

Well, hi, Arnie.

I gotta go.

I'll walk you
to the door.

I insist.

You took advantage
of my sister,

And for that,
you must die.

Rosie...

No one took advantage
of anybody.

She was drunk
and depressed.

Women are like that
around me.

Did you
tell anybody?

Did you tell Dan?

No, I swear.

If you breathe a word
to anybody in this town,

I'm going to tell Nancy.

Don't do that, please.

You stay away
from my sister.

Did you clear that
with her?

Get out!

Hey, honey.

How come you
didn't tell me
Leon was gay?

What difference
does it make?

You're all pigs.

Ah.

[Knock on door]

[Knock knock]

It's open.

Hey!
Are you alone?

Yeah, why?

Who do you think
is going to be here?

God knows.

Sorry.

How are
you doing?

Ok.

Yeah?

Uh...

Are you mad at me?

Why?

Well...

I figure, you know...

What you did with Arnie,

That was kind of like
a cry for help.

More like a scream.

Yeah, and I
wasn't listening,

And I want to apologize

For being
a jerk last night.

I'm the jerk,
Roseanne.

I screwed up
my own life,

And I can't blame
you or mom,

Or Arnie or Gary,
or anybody.

Well, mom?

I've got
to figure out

what's wrong with my
life and fix it.

First off,

I'm going
to stop thinking

my life won't
be complete

unless
I find a man.

Good for you.

I figured out
what I'm going
to do about a job.

Something
I can be proud of,

like when
I was a cop.

What?

Well, it sounds
a bit crazy but...

There's a school,
over in Elgin?

You're going
back to school?

I think that's great.

It's a trucking
school, Roseanne.

I want to learn
how to drive
the big rigs.

The big rigs?

I--I never
thought of that.

Yeah.
You're
your own boss,

You make
great money,
you travel...

Well, go for it.

I wanted to give it
more thought...

Not just dive
right into it--

You want
to do it--do it.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Elgin is only
like an hour
from here.

Let's go.

Now?

Yeah, now.

We'll go
and get you
signed up.

I'll drive.

You think?

Yeah, I think.

Let's go.

Oh, Roseanne.

Thanks.

Oh, god.

Right.

A trucker? God!

Hello, Lorraine,
it's Roseanne.

Don't give me
that no habla ingles crap.

I know it's you.

Why didn't you
come and get this dog?

Oh, right.

Like Kenny
has the mumps.

I really believe that.

And stop making like
it's a bad connection.

I know it's you.

I'm bringing this dog
over to your house

And drop him off,

And you'd better not
do what you did before.

I Knew you were home.

As soon as
I reached the door,

The lights went off.

They are not
security lights.

Security lights
don't go out

When someone
comes up to the door.

Lorraine!

Lorraine!

Lorraine!