04x19 - The Commercial Show

[bunniefuu]

[Ball bouncing]

This happens every time
those two guys
have a sleep-over.

D.J., quit bouncing
that ball!

[Bouncing stops]

[Bouncing]

You, too, Todd!

[Bouncing stops]

[Thump thump
thump thump]

Now, see,
you didn't tell them

Not to jump up and down
on the bed.

Dan, go up there.

It's your turn.
I Went last time.

All right.

I guess
if they don't
listen to reason,

They're sure going
to listen to me.

Now, listen up!

There will be no talking,
no giggling or laughing,

No playing music,
no singing,

No animal noises,

No doing whatever the hell
you were doing

When you were making

That peg-leg
kind of thumping noise,

No bird calls,
no bouncing the ball,

And no jumping on the bed,
or I'm coming up there!

Now, go to sleep!

Ohh...

That ought to cover it.

Ohh...god, I'm going to
be so tired tomorrow,

I won't be able to think.

Yeah. Me, too,

But luckily,
I'll be at work.

[Belch]

Did I say
no burping?

I don't think so.

Loophole.

You can't think
of everything, dear.

Dan, come on.
It's your turn now.

O.k.

[Belch]

Come on, Roseanne,
look at this counter.

If you don't
do something
properly,

Why bother?

You know, you're right.

That's it.
I Give up.

You're fired.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha...

Hey,
I'm not kidding,
Roseanne.

I am the boss,

And you're the help.

If you
can't accept that,

I can call security,
and they'll escort
you out.

O.k.

I'll clean the counter,
adolf.

That's better.

God, I really hate
having to suck up
like that.

Yeah.

Ever since he
broke up with Steven,

He's such a crab.

* I know something
you don't know **

What? Tell me.

Well, yesterday while
Leon was at work,

Steven brought a truck
to his house,

Took all the furniture
and his entire
cd collection.

No way.

I swear. I heard him
on the phone.

I mean,
he's really hurting.

I think I'll be
nicer to him today.

Oh, you're on your own.

Roseanne?

Hi, Kathy.

Sorry to bother you
at work.

This is about Todd.

My son's
exhausted today.

You knew his bedtime
was : .

Yeah. I got your memo,

You know, that he's
allergic to strawberries

And he can't sleep
on polyester

And he's a-b positive.

A-b negative,
Roseanne.

You could have
k*lled him.

I'm exhausted.

Why don't you just
tell me my punishment,

And then we'll move on?

When I tell Todd
to go to sleep,
he goes to sleep.

Gee, the boys were planning
another sleep-over tonight.

Since you're so good
at putting people
to sleep,

Why don't you take them?

Fine.

Send D.J. Over
after dinner.

Great.

Goodbye, Roseanne.

Ciao.

You'll be watching
the sunrise.

Who was that?

That is my lovely neighbor.

Oh, the ice-pop
lady, eh?

Frozen solid
with a great big stick
up her butt.

* He's baaaack **

Stop it.

Look, I just got word

That upper management,
in its infinite wisdom,

Has decided
to use our funky
little luncheonette

For part
of some ill-conceived
TV commercial.

Cool. We're
going to be on TV?

Oh, no.

I could
be wrong here,

But I'm guessing
the waitresses

Will be played
by friendly,
courteous types

Who don't wander off
to nap in the
mattress department.

Meanwhile,
this whole place
has to be scrubbed

From top to bottom

Per the orders
of my weaselly
little boss.

Oh, he's got one
of them, too, huh?

They'll be filming people
eating in this area,

So I want all these
booths scrubbed down.

Are they paying
these people
to sit and eat?

Mm-hmm.
$ For the day.

Hey, I'll take
a table for six.

I have no control
over this, Roseanne.

No, but you could
put in a good word.

Perhaps.

But why?

Because, um,

Maybe I'll go out
and buy you

A brand-new
liza minnelli cd.

Wait a minute.
What do you know?

I know about heartache.

This is such a joke.

We go to the mall on saturday
sit around pretending we like
lousy food?

What's your problem?

We've been
rehearsing for this
all our lives.

It's a lie.
It's demeaning.

It represents
everything I hate.

Then why
are you doing it?

Money.

Not me.

It's in my blood.

Hiya, friends.
Discount Dan here
for Rodbell's.

If you're like me--
born to shop--

You'll appreciate
the convenience and value

Of dining
at Rodbell's,

Where, "there's
always something
under the gravy."

Hey!

Ho. Must be my ride
to hollywood.

Morning, Dan.

Hey, jerry.
Want some coffee?

I'm taking
the boys to school.

D.J.!

No, he spent the night
at my house, Dan.

Right. Right.

I'd better
get going, too.

Are you coming,
Darlene?

Yeah.

Hey, mr. Bowman,

I heard you and Mrs.. Bowman
screaming last night.

Way to stand
your ground.

Very impressive.

So I guess the whole
block heard us, huh?

Nothing to be
embarrassed about, jer.

When you said, "we ain't
moving back to Chicago,
and that's final,"

Men all over
the neighborhood

Took a little bit more
of the blanket.

Really?

To be honest,
I didn't think
you had it in you.

To be honest,
we're moving
back to Chicago.

Jerry, jerry, jerry,
why?

Wellman's in big trouble--

Big cutbacks in management.

My job's one of
the first to go.

Man, I'm sorry
to hear that.

Yeah, well,
it happens.

Couldn't you find
something else here?

Probably not
for the money
I was making.

It's o.k.
A job's waiting
in Chicago.

What kind of job?

It's like a...

Like a son-in-law job.

Jerry, jerry, jerry,

It's not gonna say that
on your parking
space, is it?

I just wanted to
let you know.

We'll be
selling the house,

And Kathy asked me
to ask you
if you could...

If you could, uh...

Clean up your yard.

Sure, buddy.
You got it.

I'm going to
miss you, jer.

Same here, Dan.

What's really tough
is separating Todd
and D.J.

Those kids get along
so great together.

Yeah.

It was nice
D.J. Having a friend

The rest of us
could see.

Here comes your
sister, ask her.

No way.
You ask her.

You ask her.

What do you geeks
want to know?

What's a virgin?

You in years.

O.k., o.k.

Everybody excited about
the commercial today?

Me, too.

Guys...

What are you doing?

Chewing.

What about you, Dan?

I'm a little
ahead of you, dear.
I just swallowed.

Well, you're supposed
to be eating

In the commercial today.

If you ruin
your appetites now,

You'll never
be able to eat on camera.

Is that so?

I can't wait to
go back to Chicago

And leave
stupid Lanford.

Lanford's not stupid.
Chicago's stupid.

It is not.
Chicago's got
everything.

Does not.

Does, too.

There's a park
near my house

Better than
anything here.

You're going to
have to join a g*ng.

No way.

And my friends
have better games.

Then go play
with them.

Hey.
Give me that.

No.

Then I'm leaving.
Good.

I mean it.

It's getting
really ugly
in there.

The way Todd
yaks about Chicago,

I wouldn't play
with him, either.

Oh, Todd's
a nice boy, though.

He's good
for D.J., too.

Since they've been
playing together,

The squirrel population
has doubled.

I'm so glad we're
moving away from you.

You're only moving
to Chicago

'Cause your mom
needs an operation.

She does n t.

She does, too.

My mom said she's
having a big stick

Taken out of her butt.

Like looking in
a mirror, ain't it?

Check the high heels
on barbarella over there.

Yeah. She steps on
one moist carrot...

And her bony butt's
going to slide

All the way
to garden supplies.

Look at the cashier
and her customer.

Oh, yeah, who,
stephen and sharon
stunning there?

Yeah,
they look real.

Right.

Deej, isn't this fun?

No.

You know, buddy,

Maybe Todd's
scared about
moving to Chicago,

And he's trying to
be tough about it.

I don't care.

Ohh...
He's still upset?

Yeah.

He didn't
even want to
measure his head

In the shoe
department.

Hi, beck.
Where's Darlene?

They said she couldn't
be in the commercial
dressed like death.

She go home?

Not yet.

Shut up.

Why, Darlene,
you look--

Shut up.

Oh, come on.
It's not so--

Shut up.

O.k. What do you
want us to do?

Just sit here
and smile.

So, what do
you think?

Uh, yeah.
I think so.

You sure
they look right?

Well, let me get
a second opinion.

Leon, come over here.

We're looking
at this family here.

Sorry. I'll get
rid of them.

No, no.

We're thinking
of using them

As the average
family.

Well, aren't they
a bit too...

Swap-meet
for Rodbell's?

Oh, no, no, no.

Believe me,
it's perfect.

This is what
america's coming to.

Wow.

That's the family.

We're going to be
on TV, Dan.

Hi. I'm ken.
I'm the director.

Hi, ken.

I want you people
just to sit here.

We'll run through it once.
Just be yourselves, o.k.?

Can do, Kenny.

Dad, you're being
such a doofus.

Back off, heidi.

This is a rehearsal.
And...action.

O.k. You're walking,
and we're singing,

* Shop well
at Rodbell's **

O.k., girls,
bigger smiles,
walk faster.

Good.

O.k., you bring in
the food.

Mom loves it

And dad...

The girl eats
a french fry.

The other one
is sipping.

The boy steals
a french fry.

And...we're...out.

O.k. Let's take it
from the top.

Jackie, you have to
come sit with us.

Well, they said
to sit here.

I'm the star
of the commercial.

If I want you
to sit with us,

You'll sit with us.

O.k. Great.

Now, what
am I playing?

The aunt.

The aunt.

O.k.

Why are there two
mothers at this table?

Oh, uh,
she's the aunt.

I don't want
an aunt.

O.k. We'll lose her.

Hey...

Am I wrong?
The new mother's better?

You're nuts.

And more likable?

Let's keep the nicer,
thinner mom.

Stick the other one
around the back somewhere.

Come with me, ma'am.

Well, I want to be
in the commercial.

Doesn't matter
where you are.

Everybody makes
the same bucks.

Bucks?
Bucks?

You told me .

I'm only getting .

You're getting ?

Well, I was
putting the money
away for college.

Take a hike,
aunt Roseanne.

I don't believe it.

You guys are going to
sit there and smile

And pretend
that I'm not your mother?

Said goodbye to jerry.

He gave me his keys

So I can watch his house
till they sell it.

All right. Finally,
my own bedroom.

Deej,
why don't you see

If you can help Todd
finish packing?

I don't wanna.

Oh, go on. He's
your best friend.

He is not.

Yes, he is.

You'll be mad
at yourself if you
don't say goodbye.

I don't care.

He's going to be
just miserable
the next couple of days.

Well, luckily he's
in the right house.

Hey! The commercial's on
in the next half hour.

Kids,
come on down!

Why not watch
at your house?

'Cause I want to
watch here with my husband

And my children.

You're hilarious.

Come on, Roseanne.
It's been two weeks.

Everybody else
let it drop.
Can't you?

Come on.

O.k.

It's not like
I'd ever win an emmy.

Well, there you go.

Hello...

I, Uh, knocked,

But I guess
nobody heard.

Hi, Kathy.

Todd has come
to say goodbye.

Come on, D.J.

I don't wanna.

Oh, just come on.

No.

Todd...

No.

D.J., don't you have
something to say to Todd?

Todd, tell D.J.
How much you're
going to miss him.

Todd, D.J. Is just
upset right now,

But he wants you to know

That you're welcome
to come visit us
anytime.

Well, D.J., the same
goes for you.

You're welcome
anytime as soon as
we're settled in...

And...

After my operation.

Um, Todd...

D.J. Wants you to know

That he's really sorry
that he told you
some of the stuff

That his mom
kind of wishes
that she didn't say.

Well, then, D.J...

Todd wishes
that his mother had
invited your mother

Over for...coffee
or...something...

Sometime.

Well, D.J.
Would have liked that.

Have fun in Chicago.

Thanks.

See ya.

Yeah. See ya.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Here's
Becky's diary.
It was really good.

Told you.

Well...

I hope you like
your next neighbor.

You, too.

Come on, Todd.

Goodbye, everybody.

Bye, Todd.
So long, Todd.

It's on. It's on.

* Shop well at Rodbell's *

* Shop well at Rodbell's *

She'll love the fashions.

He'll love the hardware.

You'll both love
our new lower prices.

And everyone loves
our snack shop...

Here comes us.
Here comes us.

Especially the kiddies.

Rodbell's. It's what
america's coming to.

* Shop well at Rodbell's **

Oh, my god.

Man, I'm glad I ain't
her mother.

So, Steven stuck you
with $ worth
of parking tickets?

Yeah, but you can't
let it get to you.

Or you'll turn into
a bitter person.

What if you start off
that way?

I love your sense
of humor.

Let's call it
a day.

You said we had to fill
these napkin dispensers.

It'll wait till tomorrow.
Can't it?

What do you think?

I don't know,
but I like him better
than the old boss.

Hello.

You're that director guy.
Why are you here?

Hi, Kenny.

Ready to go?

Oh, you bet.

Well, night, ladies.

Good night.

Good night.