03x06 - Crazy for You

[bunniefuu]

Guys, here she comes. Get ready.

Mom, my mouth hurts.

You see what happens
when you don't floss?

Hey, all right. Blood
capsules. Cool.

You know what goes
really good with those?

(Brad) What?

Hi, baby. Hi, sweetie.

Pus pellets. (Jill) Ew!

I got yellow and green
ones, enough for all you guys,

but don't squeeze
'em until Halloween.

All right.

Oh, Dad. Now we have
all this Halloween junk.

Skeletons, brains and
mummy-wrapping tape.

Gotta have wrapping tape. You
don't want to see your mummy naked.

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Very funny.

Dad, I don't see
any rubber guts.

How can we have a Halloween
party without rubber guts?

Let me tell you
something, little mister.

When I was your age,
we didn't have rubber guts.

We had to use real guts.

This is why you're lucky
to have two parents.

I got these from the
rubber-guts catalog.

(boys) All right.

Here's your stomach, your large
intestine, a spleen, some colon.

Mom, you are too cool.
Thank you, sweetie.

Oh, good! You
got the carrot cake.

They did a great job.
They got those candy corns

in the shape of jack-o'-lanterns.
Look at this thing.

Aah!

What do you think? Could
we put the kids in the middle?

As you can see, with the
Binford Light Oak stain,

you get a nice...

honey-colored...

(mouths)

finish.

That's right, Al.

When you're all
finished with this,

you wanna put a thin coat of
Binford polyurethane on there.

Now Binford provides this in
an economical two-gallon size.

Al, you want to pop
the top? Be glad to, Tim.

Aah!

Al... Al... Al...

Al... Al.

I can't believe you fell for

the old "head in the
polyurethane" gag.

I guess this must mean
Halloween is just around the corner.

Or else you've
found a sick new way

to celebrate Columbus Day.

Nope, Halloween.

No, no, no, no, no!

I can see by the clock
on the wall that we have...

way too many minutes left.

So we can do a quick
pose-off, Al and I.

(imitates Schwarzenegger) Come
on, Maria, show me your biceps.

Or we could get to
some viewer mail.

Heidi, the mail, please.

Here you go, Tim. This
one came with cookies.

Hey. And a rose!

All right.

"Dear Tim, I'm your biggest fan.

"I watch you every day and
dream about you every night.

I hope you like these
cookies I baked." You bet I will.

"Your admirer, Rose." This is the second
letter I've gotten from Rose this week.

Did you hear that, Al? She
dreams about me every night.

It sounds like she has
a sleeping disorder.

Al, don't be jealous,
don't be jealous.

You'll get some letters one day.
Change your name to "Occupant."

That wouldn't be necessary, Tim.

Heidi, my mail, please.

Here you go, Al.

Thank you, Heidi.
You're welcome.

If Tim's face appears
green, don't adjust your TV.

It's just envy.

Yeah, but anybody
can get letters like that.

I got cookies.

Boys!

I really am grateful to you
for helping me with this party.

What else have I got
to do? Joe's out of town.

I can think of a few things I'd
like to do when Tim's out of town.

Like what? (door closes)

Change the locks.

Hi, honey.

(Jill) Whoa!

You should start scrubbing
with a stronger soap.

Oh, no. What's
gonna pop out of that?

Nothing. That's some
cookies a fan made me.

Yeah, right. You have a fan.

Her name is Rose, and she
sent me two letters this week.

Let's see. No! Don't touch that.

It's probably full of slimy
eyeballs or something.

Ooh! Cookies! Give me
one. No. You made fun of me.

How about me?
No. You're her friend.

Hey, Dad. Hi, Mom.

Hey, guys. Hi, sweetie.

Ooh, nice warts.

Yeah? Wait till you see
what I got your mom.

I got her the biggest,
hairiest mole they make.

Ooh.

This is gonna go well with that
armpit hair you gave me last Halloween.

Is that good?

Hey, guys, what are you
gonna be for Halloween?

We're gonna be
the Three Stooges.

Yes! That's great!

I grew up with those guys. I
love those guys. The Stooges.

Moe for his
leadership qualities.

Larry for his quick wit.

Curly for his ability to
go, "Whoo-whoo-whoo!"

(both) Whoo-whoo-whoo.

Of all the people in the world,
why do you wanna be the Stooges?

They're obnoxious, they're
constantly hitting each other...

It just became clear.

What is it with the Stooges? All men
seem to adore them, even the smart ones.

I don't think that Einstein did.

Are you kidding? Einstein
was a big Stooge fan.

Why do you think he
wore his hair like Larry's?

Yeah, that'll work.
That'll scare everybody.

(phone rings)

Oh. Hang in there.

Y-ello. Happy Halloween. Boo.

Rose?

Rose - Cookie Rose? Sure, I got
the cookies. Thank you very much.

What?

You're in love with me?

You want me?

It's a gag, Jill.
It's not that funny.

Of course you're not Jill. Oh,
no. How silly of me. No, no.

In that case, I love you, too.

Yes. We should go
some... Alone, alone.

Jill won't know. Yeah,
my wife, she's real slow.

Excuse me? Yeah, Jill, yeah.

Hi, Ji - Jill, you're
not on the phone?

And you call me slow?

That means this is Rose, the
woman that sent me the cookies.

She says she wants me.

Tell her she can have you.

You tell her. You can have him.

Hello? Hello?

There is no one here,
Tim. You are so full of it!

Is a little head gonna
pop out of here now?

No. She was on the phone.

How could she get our
number? It's unlisted.

How the heck do I know?
But Rose was on the phone.

Yeah, right. Look, Tim, I
know how badly you want a fan.

Just hang in there. One of
these days, you'll get one.

Hey, Wilson.

Hi-dee-ho and
boo, good neighbor.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

Let's say you wanted my phone
number. How would you get it?

I already have
your phone number.

I know. What if
you didn't have it?

I suppose I'd just ask you for
it. What if you didn't know me?

Then why would
I want to call you?

Boy, I wish I was friendly with some
of the other neighbors around here.

(laughs)

What is troubling you,
my little fence friend?

All right.

I got kind of an odd call by this
woman who sent me a fan letter at work.

My phone number's unlisted.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

That is a concern. I hope you're
not dealing with an obsessed fan.

No, no, no, no, Tim.

Sometimes they see somebody on
TV, they start idolizing that person.

Sometimes they
even send them gifts.

Like chocolate
macadamia nut cookies?

That's a good and
tasty possibility.

Though I'd be very cautious
about eating anything that they send.

Oh, Marie, it is going so well.

This is gonna get Tim back for every
Halloween prank he ever pulled on me.

The severed thumb in my Jell-O.

Yeah, the tarantula in
my underwear drawer.

Well, Wilson is in on it, too.

Yeah, yeah. He's
freaking him out even more.

Tim, I wouldn't worry about it.

If the cookies were poisoned,
you'd feel the effects by now.

I don't know. I got this
burning-bile feeling in there now.

You're gonna be fine.

Listen, I'll talk to
you later, Marie.

I mean, I should say...

(soft and seductive) Rose.

(evil laugh)

Yeah. Bye.

(doorbell rings)

Is that you, Rose?

Hello. Nice to see you, too.

Sorry. I thought you
were some crazed wacko.

Oh, I'm just your
run-of-the-mill wacko.

Tim, put the bat down.
I'm so sorry, Marie.

Remember that woman
that sent him the cookies?

He's convinced that
she's obsessed with him.

You want some coffee?
Yeah, I'd love some.

Wilson said sometimes obsessed
fans will send you poisoned food.

Ooh! That's true.

Those cookies had
a lot of butter in them.

Butter's very
high in cholesterol.

She could be trying
to k*ll you slowly.

Tim, I got some jack-o'-lanterns
in the car. Will you get 'em for me?

You bet. Sure.

Unless you are afraid that
Rose is hiding in the backseat.

(hisses)

You want some cream
or sugar? No, thanks.

(door closes) He
really looks nervous.

Yeah, he's a total
wreck. Isn't it great?

It's the very best
prank I've seen

since we superglued
Grandma to the toilet seat.

You what?

Hey, she wasn't my grandma.

(laughs)

Here he comes.

Jill, I think you should take
this Rose thing seriously.

I'm in therapy, so
I know for a fact

there are a lot
of nuts out there.

But why would anyone
be obsessed with Tim?

Because I'm very obsessable.

Oh, Tim. I'm married to you,
and I barely think about you.

You think this is
real funny, don't you?

There could be a woman out
there fantasizing about me right now.

What is she fantasizing, that you
come over to her house late at night,

bring some wine and blow
up her garbage disposal?

Jill, I don't think you
should joke about this.

These people can be dangerous.

Do you really think so?

I think Tim should
watch his step.

Yeah. Thanks. You're welcome.

Well, maybe you're right. Tim, I
think you should phone in sick today.

No way. I will not
live my life in fear.

D-oh!

That unkinked my colon.

Get out of the way!

Hey, Al. Tim?

Did you notice whether there were
any women in the audience today?

I didn't notice, but there's
always a few. Why?

No reason. Hey, do me a favor.

Would you go out there and see
if any of them look... obsessed?

Obsessed?

Yeah. The same look you get when you're
sitting in front of a plate of pancakes.

And here they are, those two guys
who are no fools when it comes to tools -

Tim Taylor and Al Borland!

Whoo!

(applause and cheering)

Thank you. Welcome to Tool Time.

Golly, there's a lot of women
in the audience today, Heidi.

That's right, Tim. This afternoon,
we're honored to have with us

the Women's
Sharpshooters Club of Detroit!

Well, welcome, sharpshooters.

I am Tim Taylor.
This is Tool Time.

You all know my assistant
- Al "Bull's-Eye" Borland.

You know, a lot of
people don't know

that Tool Time isn't just
about home improvement.

It's also about frisking people.

Would you take the
honors today, Al?

I don't think so, Tim.

Today, we're going to be
talking about insulating windows.

Yes, we are.

Caulking, window insulation...

And that's all the time we
have. Have a safe drive home.

Tim. Tim! Tim!

Come in to the
crowd. Get the crowd.

I wanna see the whole audience.
Focus. I gotta see the girls out here.

Tim! We're not gonna talk
about windows, are we?

Why do we have projects?
Why do we even have a show?

I'm having a
little difficulty...

Tim, I found this. It
was addressed to you.

It's a rose. Get
this outta here.

Men and women sure react
differently to getting flowers.

You should at least read
it. I don't wanna read it.

"My dearest Tim, I'm
in the front row today.

Tonight, I'll be even closer
when I'm at your Halloween party."

Great.

"Don't reject my affections,
or you'll be sorry. Rose."

Al, don't you think it's mean,
what were doing to Tim?

Yes, I do.

Hi, Shirl.

It's me - Al.

Oh.

Aah!

(♪ spooky)

(screaming)

Excuse me.

Hey, good to see
you. Who is that?

Nice party, Tim. Heidi.

Spooky. Nice hair. Spooky. Uhh.

Honey, what were you thinking about
when you picked out these costumes?

A widow and a corpse?

By the time I got there,
there wasn't much left.

It was either a
corpse or Bob Vila.

What's the difference?

Is it my imagination, or are
we surrounded by death tonight?

Death was a very
hot costume this year.

Black is very slimming.

Why don't these people just
get dressed up as licorice?

Honey, will you relax?

Nobody's gonna get by Al
unless they're on the guest list.

Oh, yeah, our
crack security ape.

(Tim) Al? Al.

Hey! Hey! Banana breath!

You let another fiend slip by.

Oh, no, that's OK. That's
just Reverend McDonald.

Hi, Reverend.

Boy, It's...

it's hot in there.

Put your mask back on.
You're scaring all the kids.

Just watch the door.
Please? All right, I will.

I'm gonna change that music.
It's too spooky for Halloween.

Aah!

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

(all) Hello!

Wait a minute. Why did
your father dress you all alike?

We all wanted to be Moe.

Spread out, knuckleheads.

Ow!

Oh. Wise guys, eh?

Ohh! Ohh!

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

(all) Ow!

Hey! Don't do that, Wilson.

I'm sorry, Tim.

I didn't mean to frighten you, but
a lady asked me to give this to you.

It's a rose.

That was my first reaction.

Where is she?

She seems to have disappeared.

A lady dressed all in red.
Had an air of menace about her.

Did she?

Uhh.

Oh, boy.

(all) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Excuse us for a minute.

Rose is here.

Rose, the obsessed fan?

No, Rose Kennedy.

Yes, Rose, the obsessed
fan! Where is she?

Right over there.

This is so creepy.

Maybe you should call the
police. Maybe you're right.

Wait, no! Don't do it down here.

You'll scare the
guests. Go upstairs.

Promise me one thing. If anything
happens to me, sh**t the ape.

Oww!

Operator? What's
the number for ?

Slow down.

(knock on door) Jill?

Guess again. It's Rose.

I'll... be right there.

I'm just going to fix my face.

Eww.

Come on in. Come on.

Aah! Trick or treat!

(whooping and laughter)

You look beautiful!

(Al) That was a great trick!

The king of Halloween is
dead. Long live the queen.

(♪ romantic)

What's all this stuff?

I thought I'd put a little
romance back in Halloween.

I've always been attracted
to dead, pasty-faced guys.

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

You better kiss me
before rigor mortis sets in.

Care to dance, my widow woman?

I'd love to, Dead Astaire.

Ah.

Nice party.

Spin me, Mr. Taylor. Spin me.

You got it.

Aah!

The king is back!

He's got one arm,
but the king is back.

Thank you.

As you can see, with the
Binford Light Oak stain,

you will get a nice...

honey-colored...

finish.

(laughter)

With the Binford
Light Oak stain,

you'll get a nice
honey-colored finish.

That's right. When
you're through with that,

you'll want to put a light,
little (gibberish) on top.

(man) Oh...

Oh, what?