03x09 - Dollars and Sense

[bunniefuu]

(all) Tool Time!

That's right.

Binford Tools is proud to
present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

Whoo! (applause)

Thank you, Heidi, and
welcome to Tool Time.

I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

You all know my assistant, Al "Objects
Keep Falling On My Head" Borland.

We're dressed like this
today in our construction vests

because on Tool Time
we begin High Steel Week.

Hi, steel.

Al, say hello to the girder.

They're inanimate objects, Tim.

Well, so are you,
but we talk every day.

Working on the high steel

takes courage and
intestinal fortitude,

a lot like working with Tim.

That's right, A...

That's right, Al.

It takes a certain kind of
man to navigate the high steel.

There's no two better guys to tell us
some safety tips about walking the girders

than the boys from K&B Construction
Company up there in Bay City, Michigan.

Let's give a big round of
applause for Dwayne and Pete.

(cheers and applause)

It's great to have
you guys on the show.

Always great to be here, Timmy.

Especially today, Tim,

because we have brought
along some other boys...

Dwayne! Dwayne!

Say hello to Sam, Tom,
Tim, Pete, John, Bill,

John-Bob, Bob-Bob,
Billy-Bob and Bob.

Hey, K&Bers, how you doin'?

Maybe after the show you
all go back to Al-Bob's house,

have some milk and cookies.

Before we head out to
the real job site, though,

we're gonna learn
some safety tips

about walking on
top of the high steel.

First, Pete would
like to demonstrate

the correct technique.

Technique is important, Tim.

Otherwise you could slip

and end up six inches shorter.

Like Dwayne.

I find the safest
way to walk the steel

is with one foot directly
in front of the other.

That would be the one-foot-
directly-in-front-of-the-other technique.

(hisses)

And Tim, on those
extra-windy days,

you may want to... use an arm...

for balance.

Nice hip action, guy.

You're not the first
to say so, Timmy.

Well, we've seen
Pete strut his stuff.

Maybe we can get Al up there and
see some of that famous Borland balance.

(cheers and applause)

These beams are
made of solid steel.

They're made to
hold up to two tons,

so I think Al will be all right.

Whoo, graceful as
a gazelle. Klaus?

(♪ "Those Magnificent Men
In Their Flying Machines")

(music stops)

One important thing to
remember about the high steel

is sometimes you need a
girder with extra support.

(beam creaks)

I think in Al's case, we
need an -hour girder.

What do you think? Should
we put the kids in the middle?

Ready, set...

Hut-hut hike!

Whoa!

Yes. What a wimp.

Hey, guys, guys... Oh, good job.

Think fast. Ooh.

Guess what's coming back
to the house in two weeks.

I'll give you a hint. It
goes vroom, vroom, vroom.

Ha. Usually everything around
here goes vroom, vroom, boom.

The hot rod. Oh,
cool, the hot rod.

When she's painted,
is she all done?

Well... gotta wire it,
put the upholstery in,

and then the hard part -

talk your mom into sitting in the
front seat with a tube top and hot pants.

Do you think maybe if nobody
tells Mom... can I drive it?

Well, I was kinda
waiting to surprise you...

No!

Hi, guys. (Brad) Hi, Mom.

Hey, baby.

Axleby says the hot rod
should be painted in two weeks,

so get out your hot pants.

Tim, I have never
worn hot pants,

I'm never going
to wear hot pants,

so if hot pants are important
to you, you wear 'em.

There's a pretty picture.

So, my mother
called today. Yeah?

The bonds that she bought
for the kids are coming due.

I can't believe she thought
she had to remind me.

Well, did you remember?

No, I didn't remember, Mr. Butt Out If
You Have Nothing Constructive To Say.

Why do you always get mad at me

when you talk to your mother?

I'm not mad.

I'm just expressing my feelings.

You should learn
how to be more selfish.

Just keep your
feelings to yourself.

I told her that I thought
the boys were old enough

to have some say
where their money goes.

She says no - I should just reinvest
the bonds and not even tell them.

I don't want you to hit me,
but I think your mom's right.

(mumbles) You're agreeing with
my mother? (imitates her mumble)

Let's face it, the boys
are childish, irresponsible.

They can't handle
money. They're like me.

Well, I don't want
them to be like you,

so I say we present them

with all the different options,

and they choose
their own investment.

Like real estate.

What are they gonna
get for bucks apiece?

Really little apartments.

No, Brooks
Robinson! Roger Maris!

No, Sandy Koufax!
Then Yogi Berra!

Sandy Koufax was
the best pitcher ever.

Yogi Berra was such a
good hitter. Brooks Robinson!

It's time for you to go to bed. Come
on. What are you arguing about?

We've been thinking about
what you said about the money.

We know what we wanna do.

Oh, good. OK. What
did you decide on?

College fund, savings
account, another bond?

Baseball cards.

Baseball cards?

Look at this card. Honus Wagner.

It originally sold for a penny.

Now it's worth $ , .

So we figured if we
put our money together

and we buy a card for $ ,

someday it could
be worth six billion.

Brad, I'm not sure
that every card

gives you a
million percent return.

Well, maybe not that
much, but look in the book.

Most of them double
and triple their value.

Well... I gotta say

this shows some very
creative thinking, you know?

The only thing
is, there's no way

that the three of you are
gonna be able to share one card.

But Mom, if we each pitch in our
$ , we could get a better card.

Maybe, but I'm remembering
those bloody noses that resulted

that time you tried to share
that -cent Nutty Buddy bar.

Oh, yeah, the famous bloody
Nutty Buddy bar incident.

Yeah.

(Randy) Oh, wow.
Don't touch anything.

Whoo, the smell of
sports dust in the air.

Kinda takes you
back to your childhood.

Dad, this is our childhood.

Wow, look at all these cards.

How are we gonna
know what to buy?

That's why I'm here.

Dad, you don't know
anything about baseball cards.

Yeah, Mom should've come.

Look, Honus...

You don't need people in
here that know about baseball.

You need someone here
who knows about business.

Well, then why are you here?

Excuse me.

My sons are interested in
baseball cards as an investment,

and they don't want
to get ripped off.

Sorry, all we do is rip
people off. Store policy.

All right, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to insult you, Mr...

Ripoffer. Conman T. Ripoffer.

From the famous
Jack-the-Ripoffer family?

Don't worry, I'll give you a good
price. Go browse. All right, thanks.

Hey, Dad, check this
out. An Andy Pafko.

Who's Andy Pafko? He was, uh...

$ . Keep browsin'.

What kind of idiot comes to a
store like this for a frying pan?

It's a Swedish pancake
maker signed by Bjorn Borg.

Really?

I think I remember him
serving those at Wimbledon.

Hey, hey, hey, guys,
look, an Indy car.

Oh, it even has a
remote control. Cool!

This is better than cool.

Rick Mears drove
this to a victory in ' .

Oh, man, it's autographed.

Dad, why don't we buy something
like this? Hey, hold on a second.

Hey, Mr. Con, or
Mr. Man... Mr. Con Man?

What kind of an
investment is this Mears car?

Well, it's been a very good one
for me. It's already doubled in value.

No kiddin'. What
are you askin' for it?

$ .

Oh, cool.

If all three of us put
our money together,

we could buy it and still
have $ left over. Yeah.

(whistles) Yeah.

I think we're all forgetting

the bloody Nutty
Buddy bar incident.

But you heard the guy.
It's a great investment.

Yeah, it's already doubled.

Yeah.

I was at this race. It was
a great victory for him.

Love to have this
souvenir in our house.

We could get rid of those
pictures, put it up on the mantel.

Dad, those are pictures of us.

Oh. Well, we'll squeeze 'em in.

This is way better
than a baseball card,

because if we
bought one of those,

all we'd be doing
right now is staring at it.

That's what we are doing, dork.

Shut up!

Why can't we play with it?

Because the guy at the store
said we're not supposed to touch it

if we want it to
be an investment.

It has to stay in
mint condition.

That stinks.

I wonder how fast it goes.

Did you open the
gate to the alley? Yeah.

All right, I'll go first.
Hey, no, it was my idea.

No, oldest first. No way!

Then biggest first.
What about me?

Get real.

It's in the alley. Let's go!
(truck backup signal beeping)

(plastic crunches)

We should have gotten insurance.

Perfect. You can't even tell

it was sideswiped
by a garbage truck.

I don't know.

The front bumper still
looks like it's kinda drooping.

Mark, put on
another piece of gum.

Good as new.

We just need to make sure
nobody can see it from the side.

Did we save Rick
Mears' autograph?

Uh, sort of. It
says, "..ick Mea..."

Let's put it on the
mantel and get outta here.

OK.

Oh, let's go, come on. OK.

(Brad) Hey, Dad! Hi, guys.

(Brad) Bye, Dad.

Bye? I thought you
guys would stick around,

and we'll stare at
the car for a while.

We've been starin'
at it for two hours.

We're takin' a little
bit of a... stare break.

Hi. Hi.

Take a look at our
new investment.

Feast your eyes on Rick
Mears' Indy winner.

Oh, no! Did one of the boys buy
that instead of a baseball card?

They pitched in and bought it
together. They're gonna share it.

No, they were supposed to
make three separate investments.

We couldn't pass
this up. This toy?

This toy?

This toy... Oh, man.

Is an autographed one-of-a-kind.

They keep this
in mint condition,

it'll double its price.

You said mint condition? Yeah.

Was that spearmint
or peppermint?

Why is there gum on this?

It's holding this paper
clip in place here. Ugh.

What is "...ick Mea..."?

Oh, man!

I can't believe you
let them do this.

Before the steam starts coming
out of your nose, let me explain.

You don't have to explain.
I know what happened.

You all went to the store, you
saw the car, you started drooling,

the drooling led to grunting,
the grunting led to buying.

You are so far off,
it's not even funny.

We grunted, drooled, bought.

I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,
and welcome to the high steel!

Hey, Timmy! I'll be right up.

We'll take the elevator up, which is
right behind me. Follow me over there.

Course, you all
know my assistant,

Al "Steel Crazy After
All These Years" Borland.

That's right, Tim. I love steel.

It's durable,
reliable and cheap,

everything I look
for in an alloy.

Everything you
look for in a date.

Timmy!

Oh, Pete Bilker from
K&B Construction.

He'll be takin' us up top.

It's good to be on the
job site with you finally.

It's great to have you guys
come see us for a change.

I love what you
done with the place.

Thanks, Al. I picked out the
fire-retardant Monaco color myself.

It shows.

You guys pick out
your china pattern later.

Right now I wanna
get up to the high steel!

(Dwayne) Hey, Timmy! Come on up!

(Pete) Tim, remember,

one foot directly
in front of the other.

Thanks, Pete. I'm
right behind you.

Whoo! Like it up here?

We're finally up here on the
high steel, where men belong.

I call this "iron
country safari."

Arr-arr-arr-arr.

I've been cooped up
in the studio too long.

I've forgotten what
it's like to be outside,

working next to men who
know what they're doing.

Tim, right behind us,
you might be interested -

it's where we're welding
our skylight support.

Can you see that
from down there?

And if you look way down there,

you can see 'em pouring
them concrete decks.

Uhh...

I can see that you fasten
your girders to the beam

using TC bolts with
tension-indicating washers.

You've got a good eye, Timmy.

Right back over here...
Al, take a left there...

I always wonder what you
do up here when nature calls.

What do you do, just let it fly and
hope you don't hit the foreman?

Look out!

Well, actually, that is the
way Dwayne does it, Tim.

The rest of us, we just take the
elevator down to the Porta-Potti below.

Hey, wait a minute.

Get this rope here,

just attach it
here to my 'biner,

and you can just head down towards
that Porta-Potti right down there.

Tim, be careful.
Well, I don't know, Al...

Oh! Whoa... aah!

Tim, are you all right?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Whoo!

Long as I'm down here...

Could somebody
send me a magazine?

Hi, Wilson. Hi-ho, Tim.

Whatever you're
cooking sure smells good.

Why, thank you, neighbor.

I'd offer you some, but this
is my homemade shoe polish.

So how was your day?

Oh, same old, same old.

Went to work, made fun of Al,
crashed through a Porta-Potti.

Hmm. Sounds full.

Oh, that wasn't it.

Supposed to teach the boys
something about investment,

went to buy some
one-of-a-kind baseball cards.

I let them buy a
remote-control car instead.

So Jack was sent
out to sell the cow,

and instead he returns with
a handful of magic beans.

What? Beans? Jack?
What are you talkin' about?

I think you been sniffin' the
fumes in that shoe polish too long.

What do you think? (chuckles)

I don't know. I went into
that store with the kids.

When I saw that car, I
just turned into a big kid.

I wanted it myself. (laughs)

Well, Tim, I've always believed

the spirit of the child
lives on in the man.

However, in your case,

I think the spirit has
completely taken over.

I've always been a toy freak.
I loved them when I was a kid.

Even when I couldn't afford
cool ones, I made my own toys.

Tim Taylor toys. They must have
been the talk of the neighborhood.

Oh, yeah, especially when
they caught fire and exploded.

It must have been difficult,

not being able to afford
the things you love so much.

No toys for Tim.
It was tragic, yeah.

But nowadays, when
you see something

that you wanted when you
were a boy, you get pretty excited.

Yeah, I guess I do
get pretty excited,

and that excitement probably rubbed off
on the boys when we walked into that store.

Well, Tim, it's not uncommon.

We all try to grasp the pieces
of our youth that never were.

You didn't have toys, my mother
wouldn't let me talk to my neighbors.

Tim?

Tim?

Hi.

Hi.

I've been doin'
a lot of thinkin'.

I should have let the boys
buy the baseball cards,

but I know why I didn't.

I got a child inside of me.

Really? What month are you in?

No, honey... I'm
just like a big kid.

Just because I like Indy cars

doesn't mean we should
have bought the thing.

I should have listened to you
and just reinvested the bonds.

This isn't your fault.
It's not your fault.

Well, it's somebody's fault.

(both) The boys'.
(boys shouting)

I think I hear our little
demolition men now.

I'll flip you to see
who yells at them first.

I have a better idea. Put
the thing back on the mantel.

What are you thinki"
about? You'll see.

Wait, wait, wait, they're
just walking in right now.

Hey, guys, that man from the
baseball store's on the phone.

He is? Yeah.

He says that he has a guy who
collects Indy cars who wants to buy yours.

He'll give you $
for it. Hey! Hey!

Hey, hey, hey.

That's a $ profit in a day.

Let's go for it.

We're not interested.

What? They're not
interested. I'm s...

? He'll give you $ .

shamolies, smackeroonies!

bucks? I'll get the car.

(all) No, no, no, Dad!

Dad, it's OK. You know, we pass.

Yeah, we're not selling. Yeah.

I'm sorry, they pass. What?

No.

$ ?!

(mouths)

$ ?!

We'll take it.

No, no, no, no! No.

We're not selling.

Well, yeah, you know,
it's not just the money.

The car has, uh...
sentimental value.

Well, I'm sorry, yeah, it just
doesn't look like there's any way

they're gonna sell that car.

I mean... Oh, well, OK. Bye-bye.

Guys, I'm really proud of you.

You made an investment,
you believe in it,

you're gonna hang on to it.

I just hope you're not setting
yourselves up for a big disappointment.

The investment's hot now,
but any day it could crash.

(Randy) Nice going.

(Brad) You're the one
who drove it into the thing.

But you're the one...

(Mark) No, you. He ran...

Hello, can I help you?

I was shopping in the mall,
and I realized that this is the store

where my boys bought
their toy Indy car.

Oh, yes, I remember. I hope
they're not playing with it.

Believe me, they're
definitely not playing with it.

So what can I do you for today?

I was thinking about buying
the three little monsters

one of these baseball
cards for Christmas.

What do you think about
these three here? Oh, very good.

They've doubled in
value since I got them.

You know, I think $ is a little
steep, according to my book here,

so do you mind if I
look around some more?

No, please, by
all means, browse.

Maybe I can find
something for my husband.

What is this thing here?

That's a very rare item.

It's a Swedish pancake
maker signed by Bjorn Borg.

My husband loves
Swedish pancakes.

Wonderful with marmalade.
Really? I never tried them like that.

That's the way Bjorn eats them.

This could be a very
interesting purchase.

It's doubled in
value since I got it.

If I buy the cards, how
much will this cost me?

$ , and I'll throw
in a jar of marmalade.

I'll give you ten. Deal,
but no marmalade.

Aw.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa. Whoa... aah!

Whoa!