- I got to tell you, ray,
This is the worst bachelor party
I've ever been to.
- I'm enjoying it.
- Come on.
It's his last chance for fun
before he moves out
And becomes mr. Amy macdougall.
Besides,
what are you complaining about?
You've won every hand.
- It's three people.
I'm up 35¢.
- How many you want?
- Three.
[Knock at door]
- All right...
What'd you guys do?
Who's this gonna be?
Hector?
- I need to show a guy
the apartment.
I'm right in the middle
of my bachelor party.
- We'll just be one second.
This is the living room,
and here is the kitchen.
The bedroom's back there.
Don't worry,
I have a chemical
That will completely
take care of the smell.
- I'm kinda looking
for something a little bigger.
- Bigger?
No, no, no.
He's lived here
for four years,
And he's muy grande.
- That's okay.
Sorry to bother you guys.
- All right,
so where were we?
Hector.
Hector.
- You said your disposal
is broken.
- I called you three months ago.
- So here I am.
- Look, hector, if...
[Disposal rattling]
- All right, come on.
Forget about it.
How many you want?
- Give me two.
[Pager beeping]
- Oh, wait a minute.
That's my beeper.
- So.
- This is that waitress I met.
She said she'd page me if we
could hook up after work.
- Well, so call her and tell her
you'll see her later.
- Ray, this girl
is into me right now.
Time is my enemy.
- Well, whoa, wait.
It's the middle of the party.
- Hey, I'm sorry, man.
I mean, you understand, right?
- Oh, yeah, of course.
I mean, I'm getting married,
but I'm still a guy, right?
- Thanks, robert.
Amy's a great girl.
I wish you all the best.
Let's go, ray.
- I'm not--i'm not going.
- My car is at your house,
you idiot.
You've got to drive me back.
- Oh.
All right, look, I'll just-
I'll drive him,
And then--
and then I'll come back for you.
- No, lookit,
don't worry about it.
- What do you mean?
Of course I'm coming back.
This is your special night.
[Disposal rattling]
- No, listen, it's okay.
It's getting late.
You probably have a lot of stuff
to do tomorrow.
- Well, all right.
You sure?
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
this was fun.
I had a great time.
- Yeah, it was fun.
- All right.
- All right.
Come on, you dope.
- Well, all finished.
- Oh, thanks, hector.
- Robert,
Let me ask you just man to man,
What is that smell?
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are you doing home?
- Nothing.
We had the party,
and it's done.
- The bachelor party's
over already?
- Yep.
- Ray, it's 8:30.
- Hey, uh, I want
some of this jell-o,
But I don't want to get a spoon.
Is that gonna upset you?
- Raymond, how could you?
- We just got off the phone
with robert.
- He told us about
your so-called party.
You completely let him down
on his special night.
- What?
We had a good time.
- Then why did he sound
so depressed?
- Because he's robert.
- He told me he spent
the last half hour
Gambling with his super.
The party kept going
even after I left.
- He lost his security deposit.
- How is that a party?
- Look, this is what
robert wanted.
When we talked about it,
He said,
"don't make a big deal."
- Well, of course
he said that.
When someone says,
"don't make a big deal,"
It always means
make a big deal.
- No, no. Robert doesn't do
that womanish double-talk.
- Actually,
he's been talking about
A bachelor party for months.
- He has?
- Yes;
he was all excited
Wondering what you
had in store for him.
I'm sorry, ray.
I don't want to make you
feel bad about this.
I just think that maybe you...
Really screwed up.
- Oh.
- Raymond, you're gonna have
to give him another party.
- Yes, and this time, do it
the way you're supposed to.
Make it a big deal.
- Debra's right.
- Ray, he's your brother.
Make it something
he'll remember.
- Are you giving me permission
to get a stripper?
[Together]
no.
- Well, what, then?
What are we talkin' about?
- Just make a fun party,
a big shindig.
- A "shindig"?
- Oh, could he invite
my father and my brother?
- Well, wait a minute;
they hardly know robert...
Or like him.
- You know, actually, this party
could be the first step
In bringing everybody together
and ending the tension.
Ooh, now I am
getting excited.
- Ooh, me too.
- Listen, ask frank if he can
have it at the lodge.
- He can make it
a surprise party.
- Ooh, yes.
And when robert comes in,
Everybody should sing
"for he's a jolly good fellow."
- Oh. Can you imagine
his face?
- Oh. And I'll tell
his cousin gerard
To bring his accordion.
- I love gerard.
Oh, that sounds wonderful.
Ray, make sure
when you call the guys
You to tell 'em
it's a surprise party.
- Oh, they'll be surprised.
- Ray, you're doing this.
- I'm not having a shindiggy,
Accordionic sing-a-long
at the lodge.
I mean,
do you hear yourselves?
This is as lame as it gets.
- No, raymond.
When a person breaks the heart
of his only brother...
That's as lame as it gets.
- All right.
- Ooh, good.
Thank you, raymond.
- Yes, thanks, ray.
- This is a good thing
you're doing.
You know, whether someone
says so or not,
Everybody likes to be
treated special.
- Listen, if you want to
treat me special right now...
- I'm a little tired.
I've got jell-o.
- Hey, garvin.
- Hey, ray's here.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
- Listen,
what are you doing?
You're supposed to be outside
watching for robert.
Come on.
- Oh, yeah.
I'd better get out there.
Hey, look out.
- Ray, you know,
they got no alcohol here.
- What do you mean?
There's a bar right here.
- You're supposed to bring
your own liquor, dopey.
We don't keep liquor here
at the lodge.
- You guys swim naked together.
You--you're telling me
there's no alcohol involved?
- No, we lost
our liquor license
After vinnie tried to sh**t
an owl with a flare g*n.
- So a bachelor party
with no alcohol.
Nice goin', ray.
- Hey, ray, check it out.
[Playing
"for he's a jolly good fellow"]
- That's good.
It's good. It's good.
You know what?
Why don't you do it over there.
This way, when he comes in...
You're over there.
- Sure.
I'll stay limber.
[Continues playing]
- Hey, ray,
Let me use your belt
so I can hang myself.
- Come on, huh?
It's not that bad.
- Uh...yeah, it is.
- Hello, raymond.
- Oh, hey.
Hi, hank.
- Well, if it isn't
hickory and dickory.
- Hello, frank.
- Hello, hickory.
- Dad, come on.
Guys, I'm really glad
you could come.
- Well, amy had
a long talk with me,
And she's asked me to...
Make an effort
with your family.
- And I'm gonna
make an effort,
Because I'm a christian.
- Hey, ray, you want
to liven things up?
I'll put in a call
to carol.
She's a real favorite
at these kind of events.
- Oh, my.
- No, that's okay.
Look, stan, no strippers.
- Good for you, raymond.
- No strippers?
- No strippers?
- Come on.
- I had my boss
pay me in singles.
- We're out of here, ray.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, you guys can't leave, man.
- No drinking?
No strippers?
I'm a married man.
You can't do this to me.
- Look, I'm sorry, all right?
Come on, guys.
Everybody come here, please.
Listen, everybody,
please listen to me.
I'm under
a lot of pressure here
To make sure robert
has a good time, okay?
Now, I'm sorry
there's no drinks.
I'm sorry
there's no strippers.
[Discontented chattering]
All right, I know.
Look, we could all watch tv
till robert gets here, okay?
There, watch the game.
Everybody, please,
just watch the game.
Hey. Hey. Hey.
What...
What the hell is this?
- It's the banner you ordered.
- It's supposed to say
"congratulations, robert."
- I think on the phone
you said, "woody."
- No. No.
Robert.
"Congratulations, robert."
I can't use this.
- Well, we've got some balloons,
But we can't blow 'em up.
- Look, just get something.
We'll cover up the "woody" part.
Just get something,
and we'll cover it up.
- Hey, ray.
What's goin' on?
Who's woody?
- You are.
- What?
[Playing
"for he's a jolly good fellow"]
- ♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ Which nobody can deny
- Whoo-hoo.
They were supposed
to sing along,
But I forgot to tell 'em.
- Wow.
So all these people
are here...for me?
- Yeah, yeah, it's your, uh,
surprise bachelor party.
Surprise.
[All, weakly]
surprise.
- Wow.
I had no idea.
Thank you.
With a change of pants for dad,
I was prepared for the worst.
- Yeah.
- But you already had a party
for me at my apartment.
- Yeah, but that was lame.
Or--or the decoy or something.
That was pretty good, right?
- Oh.
- He's coming.
- Yeah, uh...
He's actually right here,
garvin.
- Oh.
I saw him get out of the car.
But then I must have dozed off.
- Wow, raymond.
So you did all of this
for me, huh?
- Yeah.
- The place looks great.
- You like this?
- Who wouldn't?
- Well...that's great.
All right, good.
I'm glad you're happy.
- What are you saying, raymond?
You're glad that I'm happy?
- Yeah. Actually, yeah.
Hey, hey.
Look who's here.
- Hello, robert.
Congratulations.
- Yeah, dude.
- How are you?
That you two came
really means a lot to me.
- Yeah, it's good.
It's nice.
Hank, you want some soda?
- Actually, I never drink
carbonated beverages.
- So how are you doing?
- Oh,
I'm doing great.
It's nice to have
all these friends here.
- Yeah.
So, uh, amy told me
That ray threw you another one
of these parties last week.
Like, uh, a really bad one, huh?
- Yeah.
Yeah, the decoy.
- Oh...that was a decoy.
Jeez, well, you know,
now I'm confused,
Because, um, I had heard
that because of that one,
Amy, debra, and your mom
Forced ray into
throwing this one.
Yeah.
No, I mean, jeez,
amy begged us to come,
But, uh...
Hey, it turned out great, right?
Look, everyone's having a blast.
Jeez.
Your brother must
really love you, there...
Woody.
Ray, hey, happenin' party.
- What the hell
is wrong with you?
- What?
- Why would you say that to him?
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
Dad?
I think I'm getting
one of my dizzy spells.
Do you think maybe
we could leave now?
- But we just got here.
- You know, ray,
I would love
But I am really getting
light-headed here, sorry.
Is someone wearing
a citrus-based cologne?
Come on, dad--
- No, no.
I want to talk to you.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Now, don't go all mafia
on me here, okay?
- Maybe we should
go home, son.
You can lie down in the van.
Raymond, thanks so much
for inviting us.
I enjoyed the fact that you
didn't have stripping women.
- Why didn't you punch that guy
in the nose?
- All right, dad, not now, okay?
- I was ready
to deck that hank.
- Okay, everybody go back
to partying. Go.
Hey, listen, robert,
sorry, you know, about him.
He's crazy.
You know him.
He's peter, peter,
ritalin eater.
- It's true what he said,
raymond, isn't it?
- Well, that the girls made you
throw me this party
And that the other one
wasn't a decoy and...
That that was all
you were gonna do.
- No, man.
No. No.
- Now, now, look, raymond,
it's okay.
I know you.
I know that sometimes
you can be a little selfish
And thoughtless...
Dishonest.
You remember halloween...
1967?
You unwrapped a chocolate bar
out of my bag
And replaced it
with a cat poo.
- I'm sorry.
I don't blame you
for being mad at me.
- I'm not mad at you, raymond.
And you know why?
- Because somewhere there's
a cat poo waiting for me?
- No.
In spite of all of this,
When you said
that you were happy,
That I was happy,
You meant that.
And that was the best surprise.
- Yeah, okay--
- no, no.
No, you...you meant that.
And that means the most to me.
I've got to hug you.
Come here.
Come here.
- Hey, you want to get out
of here and get some drinks?
- That would be great.
- Hey, hey, guys,
we're hittin' a bar.
- Whoo.
- Let's go.
- Hey, look.
They served cake.
- Good ol' woody.
- Try one of these.
Both: hi.
- Hello, ladies.
- Did you boys have a good time?
- Yes, we did.
- So good that we had to
take a cab home.
- Well, why don't you
tell them everything?
Hi, mommy.
- Oh, I love to see
you boys like this.
- Loaded?
- No, happy.
Look at them.
- So the party
was a big success, huh?
- The party...stunk.
But never underestimate
the importance
Of the after party.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- Yes. Hah.
- Uh-oh.
So what did you guys do?
- Enough talking.
Maybe you should take me home.
- Oh, my.
- I bet there were strippers.
Were there strippers?
- No.
That's why we're here.
Hi.
- Oh, god.
Every woman's dream.
- I can imagine what's
waiting for me at home.
Good night.
- Shall we?
- I've never seen you
like this.
You're not gonna throw up,
are you?
- I already did.
- [Sighs]
What are you looking at?
- Nothin'.
But I know I'm goin' upstairs
with one of you two.
07x23 - The Bachelor Party
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Ray is a successful sports writer and family man who deals with a brother and parents -- who happen to live across the street from him.
Ray is a successful sports writer and family man who deals with a brother and parents -- who happen to live across the street from him.