08x06 - Peter on the Couch

[bunniefuu]

Iamimpressed.
You guys are so manly!

Hurry up!
I think I broke a nail!

Oh! This burns!

Awesome!

Okay, you know where I was thinking
we could put this?

How about right here?

Good.

Thanks so much
for doing this, you guys.

And you both know
if you ever need anything moved,

you can always call Robert.

It's good to be married,
isn't it?

And, Peter, coming all the way
from Pennsylvania

just to help us
move a couch.

Hey, any day out of Mom
and Dad's house is a good day.

And you know what?

Everyone on the bus
really loved my harmonica.

They clapped when I got off.

You guys want to hear a tune?

I really gotta go.

Yeah, you know what? I should probably
get down to the bus station too.

Peter, don't be silly.

We should all sit
and have dinner and relax.

Come on, Ray, you too.

Yeah, Ray!
I'll stay if Ray stays.

Then it's a party!

Gotta go!

How about that?
Ray had to go.

Aw... I'll stay anyway.

Great!

I'll go get dinner started.

Well! Good morning there,
brother man!

Hey...

Why don't you come on over
and have a seat?

I figured since I made
raspberry waffles yesterday

that we should probably
go low carb, Officer Belly.

Oh! So did you
sleep all right?

Not especially.

I was out like a puppy
in a pickup truck.

I gotta tell you,

that sofa is more comfortable
than my own bed.

Mother of God!

Hey, sis!

Good morning, boys.

Chow time.

Oh! Look how nice this is.

Mmm.

Wow, this is great.

Thanks so much, Peter.

Hey, come on.
It's what I do.

So, enjoy.

Mmm! This is delicious.

So... Peter...

day three!

Yeah. You know what he does?

He uses fresh scallions
in the eggs.

Yeah.

Did you notice he was
wearing my shirt?

I guess he just went into the drawer
and helped himself.

Actually, I gave it to him.

Ah!

He needs something to wear
while he rinses out his clothes.

He only had the one outfit.

Yeah, I noticed his underwear
hanging on the doorknob,

which reminds me--
if you go out today,

pick up a new doorknob.

Oh, that's right.

I also gave him
a pair of your briefs.

I had to pin them.

Amy... um...

maybe it's just me,

but all you did was
ask him to dinner,

and now he's living on our couch.

Oh, Robert, he's been nothing

but nice and helpful
since he got here.

I'm sorry. Honey...

I can't live like this.

Okay. What are you doing?

Come on.
Amy, stop crying.

Please don't cry.
You know I can't stand it when--

Iook! Fruit!

No... you're right.
It's my fault.

I know you never liked Peter.
I never should've let him stay.

But I thought maybe
you'd get to know him,

'cause he's really very sweet.

No no, I know,

but you have to admit,
he's a little...

No... I know.

We all know!

Then why do we need him here?

Because he's my brother.

You know, Robert, I make
an effort with your family.

I try... because
they're a little...

too!

I know, I know.

Okay. Stop crying.
Stop crying.

Hey! How are the vittles?

Taking care
of the old rumbly in the tumbly?

So, Peter...

have you spoken
to Mom and Dad?

Yeah, I called them yesterday.

You know what I told them?

I told them how much
I love it here.

And they go,
"When are you coming home?"

And I go,
"I'll see ya when I see ya.

New York is my lady."

That's great, Peter.

What did they say?

They didn't know what to say.

They're so wrapped up
in their little

puritanical Pennsylvanian
snow globe of a world.

I mean, this really
shook 'em up, man!

That's great, man.

Listen, guys,
when you're done eating,

just put the plates in the sink,
and I'll get to them later.

Right now there's a mudpack
with my name on it!

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Hi!
- Hey.

Is that Ray?

Hi, Ray! Hi, Debbie.

Hi, Peter. So you're
back in town again?

No no, not again-- still!

We'd better get going if we want to eat
before the movie, right?

All right!
We could use a night out!

I'm sorry. I wasn't clear
on the arrangements.

I thought it was just
going to be the four of us.

Oh well... couldn't it
be the five of us?

Well, sure.

But is that really fair
to Ray and Debra?

Tsk!

Do you guys mind?

- Whatever you want.
- Sure, that'd be fine.

Yeah yeah, you can go.

So I guess you're the only one
with the problem.

No, Peter.
I don't have a problem.

Seems like you do.

Seems like you do
have a problem.

Robert, Peter, please.

- Now, Amy, I can handle this guy.
- You gonna handle me?

Is anybody else hungry?
Come on, let's go.

Amy was wrong about you.

You're not nice,
you're not sensitive,

and you're not a gracious host.

Get out of my underwear!

All right.
You want it, you have it.

- Hey hey!
- No no!

Hey! Everybody, stay in the underwear
that brung ya!

I'm sorry, Amy,
but I've had it with him!

- Robert!
- No!

We're never alone anymore.

You and I haven't
even been friendly

since he got here.

Robert!

I'm sorry. I just want
to be your friend!

You know something?
Enjoy your movie.

I'm going back
to Mom and Dad's.

- Finally.
- Peter, wait.

No. I'm walking
to the bus station.

You're never gonna be able
to get a bus home tonight.

Then I'll sleep there overnight.

Nobody judges you
on the floor of the bus station.

You can't sleep down there!

Robert, please, do something!

All right! I'll drive him
back to Pennsylvania.

Oh yeah, that's what I need--

you, me, and no witnesses.

Well, we're not letting you sleep
at the bus station.

Agh!

Well, I'm not staying here.

Then at least let me
drive you back.

No, Amy, you are not driving
all the way to Pennsylvania tonight!

You're gonna stay here
and be my friend!

Maybe Peter could
stay at our house tonight.

No... no, our house, it's... broken.

Look, he won't go with Robert.

He can't go with Amy.
He can't sleep at the bus station.

You either drive him to Pennsylvania,
or he sleeps at our house.

You know, even though your brother
and I have had our differences,

you and me are
totally copacetic, home fry.

What exit are we looking for?

Oh, don't worry,
you've got a while yet.

Oh, boy.

Hello!

Oh, Peter!

Oh, Mama!

Oh, it's been so long. Mmm.

Let me look at you.

Hello, Ray. What a surprise.

Hi hi, Mrs. MacDougall.

Uh, it was quite a long drive.
Could I use your facilities?

Certainly. Come in.
Right through there and to the left.

There are cherubs
on the door.

Uh, Mama, what are you
working on here?

Oh, just tidying up a bit.

Yeah, Mama, but these
are all my Foghat albums.

What are you doing
touching these?

Pat, you won't believe

the filth he's got down there.

Have you ever heard
of something called "Mad Magazine"?

Oh, Peter.

My stuff! What are you doing
touching my stuff?!

Well, you see, Peter,

we're sort of reconsidering
the layout of the basement.

What do you mean?

How it would lay out
if you were...

gone.

So, wait a second.

I take off for a week,
and you're moving me out?

We're changing the basement

into a prayer-
and-Bible-study room.

What?!

Well, Peter, when you said
New York was your lady,

we were a little concerned,

but then we sort of
got used to the idea.

And as time went by,
we thought,

"Our boy's growing up.
He's ready to be on his own."

Good luck, son.

So, that's it?

I'm sorry, Peter,
but we gave your room to Jesus.

Jesus doesn't need a room!

His dad didn't throw him out!

I need my kitty!
Where's Miss Puss?

Miss Puss-Puss!

She's outside.

What?!

Outside?!

No! Miss Puss is an inside cat!

Not anymore.

Oh!

All right. Thank you.

You got one of those seats
that keeps falling down.

Don't worry, though.
It all worked out.

You're the worst parents
in the whole world!

Okay. Good night.

Wait, Ray!

You know something?
I don't need to live here anymore!

I'll just go where
I'm appreciated, okay?

And I hope Jesus does
a good job mowing the lawn!

Ray, give me a hand
with these, will you? Thanks.

What happened?
What's going on? Where's he going?

Hi, Ray.

Thanks so much.

You put the fruitcake
back in the box?

Yeah, but turns out
nobody likes fruitcake.

Miss Puss?
Miss Puss-Puss?

Oh God!

She scratched me
and then ran up a tree.

My parents screwed her up too.

Peter, I thought
you went back home.

I have no home.

I'm gonna go see if I can get Miss Puss
back with a saucer of milk.

What?

What happened?

Well, your father said

they're going
to turn his room into a...

prayer chamber or something.

Why doesn't that guy
just put a steeple on his roof

and call it a day?

I can't believe it.

They said that
he's a grown man

and he should get on
with his life.

So now he's here to end ours.

But that just
doesn't sound like my parents.

They loved having him there.
They did everything for him.

Amy, dear, you have to understand.

A child is like... a baby robin--

you feed him, you nurture him,

you get him strong

so when the time comes,
he's ready to fly away

and bring you back grand-robins.

And no matter how much
you want him to,

sometimes there's a robin
who just won't fly away.

And before you know it,
you got a 40-year-old robin

who can't lift his ass out of the nest.

I guess it had
been going on for so long

that we all just
got used to it, but I know--

Yeah. A 40-year-old man still

Iiving at his parents' house
is a little weird.

Well, the boy gets
used to certain things--

your mother doing your laundry
for you and fixing your meals.

Changing your diaper.

Taking your temperature
the old-fashioned way.

Yeah. They don't
do that anymore, right?

Hey...

This is 2%.

Miss Puss will
never go for this.

Rough night, huh?

Oh, yeah yeah.
I heard you all in there laughing.

I wasn't laughing.

Oh, yeah right.

Listen, Peter,

I know what
you're going through.

No, you don't.

Do you know that
if I had come home 10 minutes later,

I would've had to
go through the garbage

to find my blueprints
to the Batcave?

I wasn't out of
my folks' house 10 minutes

before my dad started putting in
a Jacuzzi where my bed used to be.

They put in a Jacuzzi?

Well, your parents are cool.

Come look at 'em use it.

Not so cool.

Man, I just didn't see
this one coming.

Every night
my mother would leave

a plate of cookies and a cup
of hot cocoa outside my door.

Does that say
"Get the hell out" to you?

Yeah, they send you
all these mixed signals.

My mom was the same way.

With the food--
all the meats and the sauces.

You're all doped up
like a bear in the zoo.

You don't want to be there,

but you lose the will to escape.

Yeah...

yeah!

And I thought I was
doing them a favor by staying.

Yeah, me too.

They want you there
until they don't want you there.

You know, I got the raw deal
'cause I was the oldest.

So they made
all their mistakes with me.

Yeah, me too.
It's like I was the practice kid.

It's like, "Oh well, now we know
not to drop Raymond."

You know, in my house, it was,

"Not now, Peter.
Amy's playing the piano.

Take off your cape
and eat your dinner."

You hungry?

Man, I am starved!

I tried to get
your brother to stop,

but he was driving so fast.

Come on. I'll bet
there's something in the fridge.

Well, I hear
they're looking for people.

Ma, Peter's not even Catholic.

They're not gonna let him be a priest!

I tell you what he should do:
Join the service.

Put a little fuzz
on the kiwis.

Debbie, Raymond,
I appreciate the generous offer,

but I won't be
staying with you tonight.

Yep. He's coming
home with us.

Really?

Really?

Tomorrow after breakfast,

I'm taking him
by my old building.

Robert says his old apartment
is still available,

and, apparently, there's quite
an active social scene there, so...

Robert!

That's a wonderful idea!

I can't wait to tell Miss Puss!

I'm really proud of you.

Yeah, he's a good kid.

Come on. Let's go
renew our friendship.

Ah...

Pays to be nice.

Those two think
their troubles are over.

Believe me,
you don't want a relative like that

Iiving so close to you.

You can never get rid of 'em.

Hey. Look what Peter
left in my car.

He is so annoying.

He's not so bad.

No? Here, try four hours of this.

Did you rinse that off first?

Ugh!

Idiot.