02x30 - The Three Dreams of Mr. Findlater

[bunniefuu]

And then I dreamed
I was in a huge theater

where one
of my motion pictures
was being shown,

but the theater
was absolutely empty.

Not a full seat anywhere.

On one wall
was a gigantic mirror,

and when I looked into it,
I didn't see my own face.

I saw my wife's.

I suppose
I'd accidentally wandered
into her dream.

That's not unusual.

Do you and your wife
sleep in a double bed
or in twin beds?

Both. She has a twin.

I sleep in the double bed.

Of course.

And then I dreamed...

Oh, good evening.

As you see, this week
I'm very much pressed
for time.

However, I shall be glad
to squeeze you in
for our customary session.

Tonight's story is about a man

whose driving ambition
was to become a widower.

It is called
"The Three Dreams
of Mr. Findlater."

And must you play
that everlasting game
of Patience every night?

I would think a bank manager

could find something
more useful to do
with his time.

Sometimes I wonder
what's got into you.

A man of your age.

And getting bald, too.

I saw you
last night at Mrs. Bryce's,

making a complete fool
of yourself.

Talking to that young girl
as if she were a contemporary.

I'll never be able
to hold up my head
in Exminster again.

And you, old enough
to be her father.

Don't like to hear me
say that.

You still think
you're something,
don't you?

But I was the only one
silly enough

to have picked you.

What a mistake
that was.

You're always off
on some
storybook world.

All this trash
that you read.

Ernest, are you
listening to me?

Where are you going?

Ernest.

Don't you dare leave the room
while I'm speaking to you.

Ernest! Ernest!

Oh!

I'll take that, madam,
if you've finished with it.

Lalage.

Lalage?

Yes, Ernest. I'm here.

I'm waiting for you.

Lalage.

Come, darling.

Come!

I'm so sorry to be late,
my dear,

but I... I had
a little more trouble
than usual.

I thought I'd never
get away from her.

Poor, sweet darling.

You must be so tired

after that long, hard day
at the bank.

Poor, sweet baby.

Yes, my dear.
I do have rather a load
on my shoulders,

but having someone
as understanding as you
is a great help.

Oh, it's so quiet,
so peaceful.

Come here,
darling.

Not that way.

It always takes you
a little while to relax.

I think you have
lovely hair.

Do you really?

Don't think it's getting
a bit thin on top?

No!

It makes you
look distinguished
and important-looking.

I wouldn't have it
any other way.

I say, do you think
it would be proper
to go that far?

Oh, don't be silly,
darling.

You know there's
no one else in our world
but you and me.

Well, all right.

Sometimes our world
seems so real,

I feel that Minnie is going
to come skulking out

from behind
the nearest palm tree.

Be just like her.

Poor Ernest.

Sometimes,
I wish Minnie weren't
in your life at all.

As a matter of fact,
sometimes I feel

the same way myself.

Why did you marry her?

I didn't. She married me.

Heaven knows, I've tried.
I've done the best I could.

But somehow Minnie always
puts me in the wrong.

I think it's the only thing
that makes her happy.

What a pity.

Just think what your life
might have been

if it weren't for Minnie.

Is it too late, darling?

I... I have a confession
to make, Lalage.

I love confessions.
What is it?

You're not my only dream.
I have two.

And you aren't even
in this other one.

It always happens
the same way.

I come home from the club
and see a car parked
in front of the house.

I go to the front door
and Bridget, the maid,
meets me,

tears streaming
down her face.

"Oh, sir!" she wails.

"It's the mistress.
The poor mistress!"

Then I hear
firm steps overhead

and I see Dr. Manley's legs
coming down the stairs.

Then he's standing
in the hall beside me.

He places his hand
on my shoulder and says,

"You must
be brave, Findlater.

"Death, the Grim Reaper,
he comes to one and all.

"It's your wife. A stroke.

"It was all over in a moment.

"I could do nothing."

Oh, the bliss of it.

A heart attack?

Or a stroke.

I think
it's a lovely dream.

But I don't see why I can't
be in that one, too.

Now, now, my dear,
don't be greedy.

You have quite enough
of my time as it is.

Ernest Findlater,
who were you talking to?

No one.
No one at all.

Well, that's all I need.

Have you
stalking round the house
talking to yourself.

That's because
you weren't concentrating,
darling.

You had your mind
on other things,
didn't you?

What other things?

Minnie.
And how you wish
she were dead.

I don't know what
you're talking about, Lalage.

And anyhow,
what are you doing here
in the middle of the day

and dressed like that?

I don't know.
I only come along
when you want me.

You know
that other dream
of yours?

About Minnie
having an attack?

It won't ever happen.

Minnie's too stubborn
to die on her own.

She is just that stubborn,
and imperishable.

I say, look at that car
in the middle of the lane.

I wonder what happened.

Look. Look what's lying
on the seat.

I wonder what it was
used for.

Probably something
very nefarious

or it wouldn't be
left abandoned this way.

Oh, darling,
you are so clever.

Not so very. This is the way
it always happens
in mystery stories.

What are you going
to do with it?

I don't know.
I'm not sure yet.

But something inside me
keeps saying,

"Don't hesitate,
take it and go."

Besides, I've always wanted
to have a g*n.

Why?

It seems so adventuresome.

Lalage?

Yes?

I'm beginning to have
another dream, a third one.

About Minnie?

About Minnie.

Are you going to
tell me about it?

No, not yet.

Not until it's clear
in my mind.

Oh, good afternoon,
Mr. Ambrewster.

Mr. Sydney.

Good afternoon, Mr. Findlater.
Nice day, isn't it, sir?

Good afternoon, Rogers.
Yes, it's a lovely day.

Well, I'm going
to wash and have some lunch.
See you on my way out.

You can't miss
seeing me, sir.

I catch all you gentlemen,
coming and going.

Right to the minute.

Lalage! This is going
a bit far.

What on earth
are you doing here?

Why do you keep saying
that every time I appear?

You know I only come
when you want me.

Oh, yes, I forgot.
But here in the...

Well, I... I suppose
it's all right.

Have you thought any more
about the m*rder?

Lalage, really! I had no idea
you were so bloodthirsty.

Sometimes I wonder
if I know you at all.

It wouldn't surprise me
if you had a whole life
outside my dreams.

How could I?

I think it's yourself
you don't know.

After all, I'm only a part
of you.

Yes.

That's true.

I... I don't know
what's happened
to me lately.

Ever since I started having
that new dream of doing away
with Minnie,

I haven't been myself.

Ah, well, a good lunch
should put me right.

Dover sole, perhaps.

Dash it.
It's stuck.

Hello?

Will someone
let me out please?

Hello?

I say, this is embarrassing.

I wonder if there's
another way out.

Why don't you try shouting
out of the window?

Hello? Help! Help!

It's no use. You see,
this is the only window.
Nobody can hear me.

And it's at least
a -foot drop
to the ground.

If you just had a rope.

I'd look
pretty silly at my age
climbing down a rope.

Darling?

Hmm?

This is the only window.

That's a blank wall.

No one can see you.

It might be useful
in the future.

Useful in the fu...

Yes, so it might.

I have
the necessary w*apon,

a g*n that can't
be traced to me.

And I would have
a logical alibi.

With the aid of a rope
I could leave the club,

return, and with
the hall porter's word
to back me up,

never seem to have left
the club at all.

What a perfect plan.

Yes, it's not quite
perfect yet, my dear.

It's a question of motive.

You see, all detectives know
that husbands

only m*rder their wives
for money or another woman.

Obviously,
there's no other woman...

Ernest!

Well, don't be touchy,
my dear.

And as for money,

well, Minnie has a nest egg
tucked away.

I must make sure
she doesn't leave it to me.

Not that it's likely,
but I must make sure.

Oh, darling,
you are so clever.

It could be
the perfect crime.

Of course, my dear,
it's only academic.
Just a theory.

Besides, a venture like this
would take time.

But if one were
to take time,

lots and lots of time,

one could accomplish
anything.

Anything.

Aren't you feeling well,
Minnie?

I feel very well,
thank you. Why?

Oh, you're very quiet
this evening.

Since when have you been
so concerned about me?

Oh, I've been
thinking about you
a great deal lately.

It's entirely
your own business,

but have you made a will?

A will?

What put that in your head
suddenly?

Oh, it's not sudden.
I've been meaning
to mention it for some weeks.

It's the sort of thing
one has to think about
eventually, you know.

I don't know what I would
need with a will.

I haven't very much money
to leave.

Well, there are your
personal possessions.

And I seem to
remember you buying

a number of
savings certificates
during the w*r.

What's the use of a woman
making a will?

It all goes
to her husband, anyhow.

It only goes to her husband
if she doesn't make a will.

And have you any suggestions,

who I should leave
my diamond tiaras

and my mink coats to?

Me.

But I should do nothing
of the sort.

What would you want
with my things?
I would like to know.

One could always sell them.

You know the brooch
your Uncle Herbert
gave you?

I could get quite
a nice price for that.

Se... Sell them?

So that's what been
in your mind.

Well, let me tell you,

I shall have a will
drawn up immediately,

just to make sure
that nothing that I have
does get into your hands.

Ah, the ace at last.

Oh, darling, you did that
so cleverly.

Minnie will never suspect
what your motive was.

Thank you, my dear.
I thought it went
quite smoothly, myself.

Now, we must plan
our future steps
with the same precision.

All right.
I'll make notes.

No, no, no. Better not.

No, we don't want
anything in writing.

It wouldn't be safe.

Now, we've agreed
that it's to be done
on a Wednesday

because that's the girl's
afternoon off.

Then it would be a good idea
for you to start
being at the club

on Wednesday afternoons.

Very good, my dear.

I shall start writing
my history of Exminster
on those days.

Minnie won't like it,
of course.

She always wants me home then
to make tea.

Well, since everything
we're planning
is for Minnie, in a way,

she'll just have
to put up with it.

And you'd better start
taking a bag with you
to the club

on Wednesday afternoons.

Why, my dear?

Well, you have to
get a rope into the club
so you can practice

getting in and out
of the window.

What else?
What else?

Well, you don't want
the neighbors
to recognize you

when you go into the house.

A disguise, of course.

A disguise?

Do you know, Lalage,
I've always wanted
to wear a disguise.

I wonder... I wonder what
I should go as.

I mean, who I should be.

Someone rather dashing,
I think.

Well, I should think something
a little less conspicuous

would be better, darling.

Would you? Oh, well,
I suppose you're right.

You know, Lalage,
I never knew that
planning a m*rder

could be so much fun.

No, I don't think
that one does it.

Uh-uh.

Cheek pads.

Oh, yes, yes.

Voilà! Oh!

Spirit gum will fix that.

Oh, hello, Mr. Findlater.

Right to the minute I see.

You haven't missed
a Wednesday afternoon
for the past six months.

If I had, you'd be
the first to know, eh?

Oh, yes, sir.

Nobody gets by me.

How's it going, sir?

Oh, the history?
Oh, splendidly.

I shall have my first draft
finished in a week or so.

Excuse me, sir.

That will be the results
of the third race
at Sandown Park.

It generally comes in
about this time.

I'll see you
on my way out, Rogers.

Right you are, sir.

Something troubling you,
darling?

Lalage!

The washroom was bad enough,
but here...

Well, I'll go
if you want me to.

No, it's all right.

Something...
Something is bothering me,
as a matter of fact.

Yes, I know. The rope.
Can you climb a rope?

Well, I don't know.
But I should think
any able-bodied man

would have the strength
to climb down a rope.

Yes, but you have to
have the strength
to climb back up a rope.

You have to get
back into the club.
Remember?

Yes. I know.
I should never have given up
my membership in the YMCA.

Forty-two, forty-three.

That's very good.

Another two weeks,
you'll really be ready.

Huh?

Forty-four, forty-five...

I did it. I think I did it.

Yes, you did.
seconds
down and up!

That's wonderful, darling.

Darling, tomorrow's Wednesday.

Couldn't it be the day?

Yes, I suppose it could,
but...

Don't we need at least
one dress rehearsal?

Why? What's the matter?

Well, nothing. I...

But don't you think
maybe we ought to wait
until next week?

Oh, darling.
You're not going to get
cold feet, are you?

After all the work
we did?

Now, Lalage, don't you
start pushing me.

I suddenly feel
that I'd like to try to...

To reach Minnie.

m*rder is rather final,
you know.

Oh, you are such a good man.

But it won't work, darling.

It just won't work.

So, I said to Mrs. Bryce,
if she had any gumption,

she'd get rid of the girl.

You can't trust
anybody these days.

I always say
that if you...
Minnie?

Hmm?

Minnie, I have a holiday
coming up, you know.

Oh.

How would you like
to take a trip?

We could go to France,
Italy...

France? Italy?

All those foreigners?

What's the matter
with Brighton?

Brighton's always been
good enough.

Besides, when have you
ever consulted me
as to where we should go?

What have you been up to?

It must be something
or you wouldn't have
such a guilty feeling.

I haven't been
up to anything.

I just thought it might be
nice for us

to spend some time
alone together.

We could try and have
fun again.

Alone with you? Fun?

Oh, you must be
out of your senses.

Yes.

Yes, perhaps I am.

I'm sorry, Minnie.

I've tried.
I really have.

I'm sorry.

I was right,
wasn't I, darling?

Yes, Lalage. You were right.

You're always right.

It's the only way
to deal with Minnie.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

It's my mistress.

My poor mistress. She...

The Grim Reaper, he comes
to one and all.

It was Mrs. Findlater.
A stroke.

It happened just
as the maid was leaving
for her afternoon off.

She telephoned me.

I got here
as quickly as possible,
of course,

but it was all over
in a moment.

I could do nothing.
I will take care
of the arrangements.

And Findlater, take off
that silly moustache.

This is no time to be
playing jokes.

Shh!