02x35 - The West Warlock Time Capsule

[bunniefuu]

Good evening,
television watchers.

Tonight's masque is entitled,

"The West Warlock
Time Capsule."

The tale
of a timid taxidermist.

This gives me the excuse
to exhibit this prize
of mine,

and to discuss taxidermy.

I feel I know quite a bit
about stuffed animals.

After all,
it takes one to know one.

This, I sh*t myself.

You see, deer poaching
is one of my hobbies.

It took only two sh*ts.

The first one
hit a bearded, old man

wearing a ridiculous red suit

and riding in a sleigh.

I'm having him stuffed, too.

It probably
sounds silly to you,
but I'm sentimental that way.

But enough of this.

Here, in a moment, is,
"The West Warlock
Time Capsule."

Well, I know Harry's
gonna like it, George.

And when some of his friends
gets a look at this,

I bet you get
their business, too.

If they ever hunt
up this way.

Good.
That's what we're here for.

Now, just put it
on the bill, George.
Sure thing.

Well, see you later.

So long.

Now then.

Why don't you use Napoleon's
own skeleton, Mr. Tiffany?

Sure is a lot more
horse-shaped
than this thing.

Napoleon's skeleton
is in a million pieces.

I got no time
to be putting him
back together again.

Besides,
this is much better.

We use his own skull, though.

And his hooves.

Are you sure you can get
his skin back on in just
the way he had it before?

You wait till I'm through
with him, Charlie.

He's gonna have
a spark in his eye,

and a flare to his nostrils.

He's gonna look
just like he did

when you used to ride him
through the park.

Oh, here's all about it
in the paper.

Yeah, it's a very nice
write-up, too.

"Mayor accepts
Napoleon memorial.

"In a speech at
the West Warlock
City Dad's Lunch

"at the Buckhorn Hotel today,

"Mayor Herbert Ayers

"formally accepted a

"unique memorial

"donated to the city
by George Tiffany

"and commemorating

"one of this community's
most beloved citizens."

Now, will you get me
that rag over there,
Charlie?

Thank you.

"Napoleon, who d*ed last month
after a quarter of a century
of faithful service.

"For years,
this patient animal,

"was the chief attraction
at Lakeside Park.

"Napoleon will contain
within his body a

"hermetically sealed capsule

"to be opened in years."

A hundred years?

Would he last years,
Mr. Tiffany?

Oh.

Longer than that,
if they keep him
in a glass case.

And he's gonna be beautiful,
Charlie.

Napoleon is gonna
be my masterpiece.

Don't you ever use
an animal's own bones,
Mr. Tiffany?

Oh, not anymore.

Just the skull.

And the wing bones
and legs of a bird.

We used to, though.

Used to use the whole animal.

How could you do that?

Well, we used a syringe.
See that syringe, there?

You mean that thing
with the red handle?

No, no. This thing.

And we fill that up
with formaldehyde

and inject that in his veins
and wherever else he needs it

and that preserves him,
you see?

Why don't you do it
that way now?

Just as I thought.

Time for lunch.
That's Mrs. Tiffany.

Why don't you do it
that way now, huh?

And I think it's about time
for you to run along home.

Doesn't it last as good?

Oh, sure.

Lasts indefinitely.

But, you see, it shrinks.

Pulls out of shape,
like a mummy.

In fact, I guess
that's what they were.

Mummies.

You get away from that bear,
now.

Come along.

Can I come back later?

Well, if you got to.

Okay, I'll be here.
Bye.

So long, Charlie.

Is that you, George?

Uh-huh.

I've just had a letter
from Waldren.

Waldren?

My little brother
in Canada.

Oh, oh.

He's coming to visit us.
Isn't that wonderful?

Wonderful.

Well, such enthusiasm.

Oh, well, now,
I am enthusiastic,
Louise, it's just that...

Well, it isn't
as if I knew Waldren,

but I think
it's fine he's coming.

Oh, I was just teasing.

It'll be so wonderful
to see him.

The two of us are all
that's left of our family.

I haven't seen Waldren in...

Well,
it must be years.

Well, I think it's just fine.

Is he bringing his family?

Now, George, Waldren's
always been a bachelor,
you know that.

Smart fellow.

George.

You wouldn't think of
giving up your chair,
would you?

I mean,
now that Waldren's coming.

Well, I mean,
he might think it looks

out of place.

Now, Louise,
we've been all over that.

It is the only chair
I ever had in my life
that I really like.

You ask me anything else,
dear, but don't ask me that.

We'll have it
re-upholstered?

Ruin it.

It's taken years of sitting
to get it this way.

It just fits my shape.

George.

That rain certainly is
coming down by the bucketful.

I better check
the windows in the shop.

Mmm.

"Yarn over, two together,
knit three."

What did you say, George?

Yarn over.

Two together.

Knit three.

Oh, good evening.

Well, it's me, Sis.

It's all that's left
of your little brother.

Waldren,
I'm so glad to see you.

It's been a long time, Sis.

We're all that's left now.

Why,
you're absolutely soaked.

Sit down.

Let me get those
wet shoes off of you.

Oh.

You must
change your clothes.

Where's your suitcase?

There isn't any, Sis.

There's nothing left but me.

And I won't be here long.

Oh, dear.

Well, what's the matter?

Oh, it's George, my husband.
He's in the shop downstairs.

Now, you sit back and rest.

I'll get a cup
of hot coffee for you.

Louise.

Louise, did...

There.

George, this is my
little brother, Waldren.

Oh.

Well, don't just
stand there, dear.

He's soaking wet.
I'm afraid of pneumonia.

Run and get him
your bathrobe.

Yes, dear.
Hello, Waldren.

Glad to see you.

Please get
the bathrobe, dear.
Yes, dear. Yes.

And then call Dr. Rhody.

Quick trip, wasn't it?

Oh, George.

Now,
let's get off that wet coat.

I can't believe Waldren's
been here for a whole week.

Can you, dear?

No, dear.

I feel a draft.

There's some cold air
coming from somewhere.

Oh, dear.

Is there a window open,
George?

Oh, I'm afraid it'll make
Waldren's cough worse.

It must be in here, dear.

Waldren couldn't possibly
feel cold.

It's the draft.

Gets me here every time.

I'm sorry to be
such a nuisance.

You're not a nuisance.

You'll soon be well
and then you won't
have to be so careful.

We'll hope so, Sis.

You folks about ready
to go to bed?

It's just about : , Waldren.

Oh, is that all?

I guess you don't wanna
go to bed this early.

My... My cough medicine,
where is it?

Here it is.

Oh, thanks.

I don't know what I'd do
without that cough medicine.

It's all gone.

Gone. I just got
this bottle yesterday.

I know.

I really should try to
get along without it,
I suppose.

I will try to get along
without it. Tonight.

You'll do no such thing.

We can't have you
coughing all night.
You might injure yourself.

Go and get
another bottle, dear.
Before the drugstore closes.

Why don't I get him
a bottle of gin?

More alcohol in it
and a lot cheaper.

Waldren, you must see
that there just isn't room

in this house
for a third person.

And with Louise...

It's no good.

Waldren, I'll give you
just one hour

to clear out of this house,
permanently.

Hiya, Mr. Tiffany.
Who are you talking to?

Oh, hello, Charlie.

Why, I'm just talking
to Napoleon here.

Hey, he looks good,
Mr. Tiffany.

Oh, you're beginning to have
confidence now that I know
what I'm doing, huh?

Yeah. Maybe when
I get a little bit older,
I can be your apprentice.

That'll be fine.
You hold this.

What is it?

That's the time capsule.

The what?

The thing that
goes inside Napoleon
with all the stuff in it

to be opened up
years from now.

What stuff?

Why,
the things that show

the kind of life
we're leading now.

Newspapers, movie film,
photographs,

you know,
just like the paper said.

A permanent record
for posterity.

Can I put something in it?

No.

Why not?
Who would ever know?

What do you wanna put in it?

How about a picture of Rover?
He's a very good-looking dog.

Okay, I'll slip it in.

You could put a lot more
inside him.

How about the totem pole
my scout troop made?

Hey, what about that?

Definitely not.

Well, when I'm gonna
be your apprentice,

I'm gonna put
a surprise in every job.

That'll be dandy.

Oh, there goes
your brother-in-law.

Is he gonna go
sit in the park?

I suppose so.

Is that all he ever does?

Just about.

I mean, I don't know.

Well, you better
run along home now.

I'm going upstairs, Charlie.

Why? It's not lunchtime.

I wanna talk
to Mrs. Tiffany.

Oh, I see.
Without him around.

Charlie, you're gonna have
to stop thinking so much.

Now, don't get up, dear.
Just stay right where you are.

I thought you were Waldren.

Louise.

I wanna talk to you
about Waldren, dear.

I think it's very hard on you
having him around.

I mean, the way you go around
waiting on him hand and foot.

Look at that dress.

That dress used to fit you.

Now it hangs on you
like a sack, doesn't it?

Oh, I've lost some weight,
that's all.

Well, you didn't need
to lose any weight.

And you look tired.

Darling.

Don't you think Waldren's
well enough now to go out
and get a job for himself?

He's not well enough
to work, you know that.

I'm all he has.

Oh, l... I know it's been
hard on you, George.

It's you I'm thinking about,
Louise.

I don't know
what we're going to do.

I can't go back on him now.

He's my little brother.

Don't cry. Don't, honey.

Please don't cry.

Now, don't, please.

I won't talk about it anymore,
honey.

Just promise, okay,
that you'll try to
take it a little easy.

Hmm?

Yes, I will.

Waldren doesn't realize.

He wouldn't want
to be any trouble.

I know, I know, I know,
he wouldn't.

Of course he wouldn't.

There you are, Napoleon.

All full of messages
for future generations.

Big rascal.

Louise.

Where's Louise?

She's in the kitchen,
I suppose.

She made an awful racket
in there a few minutes ago.
It woke me up.

I was trying
to get back to sleep.

Louise. Louise!

Louise!

Get Dr. Rhody on the phone.

Tell him to get
right over here.

And hurry up.

Louise.

We'll keep her here
a day or two

for some more tests, George,

but I'm sure
it's nothing serious.

She's just worn out.

She needs a couple of weeks
of complete rest.

She can't go on
the way she has,
you know.

You've got to get rid
of that brother of hers.

Doctor, is there anything
really wrong with Waldren?

Nothing, except
he missed his calling.

He should have been
an actor.

Waldren.

I wanna talk to you,
Waldren.

Please, George,
Louise, my sister.
Do you mind?

She's gonna be all right.

At least that's something.

Going without dinner.
All this excitement.

I'm afraid
I'm not quite up to it.

Well, I'm glad you found
something to tide you over.

What I want to discuss
with you is very important...
Really, George.

I don't see how you can just
stand there and chatter after
what's happened to Louise.

It's Louise that I wanna
talk to you about.

George, you can't
seem to understand
that I am a sick man.

After all
that's happened tonight,

my digestion's
started acting up again.

Waldren,
will you please listen to me?

George,
I simply cannot go on
arguing with you like this.

This concerns Louise's health.

That will do.

If I had a decent meal,
I might feel a lot better.

Yes.

Waldren.

About how tall are you?

"Dear Sis,

"Have a chance
to visit friends in Mexico

"where the climate
is wonderful for my condition.

"Don't worry if you don't
hear from me for a while,

"the mail is slow down there.

"Sorry to leave
without saying goodbye,

"but I didn't want
to disturb my little sister.

"Get well quick.
Your loving baby brother,

"Waldren."

George?

Hello, Waldren.

Well,
what's the matter with you?

Didn't you hear me?

You know what time it is?

Oh, yes, I guess
it must be about supper time,

but there's one other little
thing I have to do, Waldren,

and I kinda need some help.

Would you mind
giving me a hand?

All right. I'll try.

You know I'm not strong.

Well, do you think
you could hold this for me?

And the syringe.

You see, I've just been
finishing Napoleon there.

And...

Seems kind of heavy, George.

I didn't realize
it'd be this heavy.

Yeah. Well, I just thought
I'd beef him up a little,
just to be safe.

And so,
on behalf of our fair city,

and our fair citizens,

I want to thank
George Tiffany

for his generous
contribution of his time

and his artistic talents

which have created
this priceless memorial.

And now, in conclusion,

I will read to you
the exact words
of the inscription

which appears on the plaque.

"Napoleon in memoriam.

"Within this superb animal..."

Oh, George,
it's wonderful.

I'm so happy for you.

I'm the one that's happy.

You know,
you just look great.

That rest
certainly fixed you up.

I guess it really did.

I'm just sorry Waldren
isn't here to see it.

He'd be so proud.

I guess he's better off,
though, where he is.

If the climate's warmer.

Oh, I'm sure it's warmer,
dear.

"In the year
of our Lord, .

"In order that
future residents will
have a fuller understanding

"of the life and times
of their forefathers

"as typified by the contents
of this memorial."

I thank you.

Well, George, it certainly
ought to put West Warlock
in the national limelight

when they look inside Napoleon
in the year .

What do you think?

Well, yes, l... I expect
it will do that, all right.

Honesty demands that I reveal

that all did not go
as Mr. Tiffany had planned.

The weight of Waldren's
pudgy body

proved too much
for Napoleon

and within a few months

the time capsule was opened
by a caesarian section.

Waldren, of course,
was quite dead.

And Napoleon hasn't
been the same since.

As for Mr. Tiffany,

the jury proved
quite lenient.

Next time we plan
a return trip
to your living rooms.

I hope you will join us then.

Good night.