03x18 - The Eve of Construction

[bunniefuu]

And don't over-tighten it.

Change oil every , miles,

your engine will last
practically forever.

All right, Al, let's
get cleaned up.

Now, when we're cleaning up,

you wanna treat your tools
like a member of your family.

That's right. Al even invites
his tools over for Thanksgiving.

Even his hammer-in-law.

My point is, when
you have a greasy tool,

it's best to clean it up with
Binford's Super Solvent.

I might also add
that this same solvent

can clean engine parts
when soaked overnight.

Overnight?

What happens if you
have that am hankering

to rebuild your motor?

Then you would wanna
call - -CUCKOO.

Al has that number
on his speed dialer.

The point I'm trying to make is,

to get the real gunk
off engine parts,

I've come up with
a new concoction.

You dip it in this stuff, boy...

Whew. Stand back.

Whew! Boy.

Dip those engine parts in there,

they'll be so clean you
can see yourself in 'em.

In Al's case, that's not
a real good idea, though.

Dirty piston?

A thing of the past in Tim
Taylor's super-duper solvent.

It's high-energy.

(hissing)

That's - -C-U-C-K-O-O.

Before we sign off,

I'd like to tell
you a little bit

about some upcoming shows.

Former president Jimmy
Carter's favorite organization,

Habitat for Humanity,
will be here in Detroit,

and Al and I will
be helping 'em build.

Habitat works with needy
families and volunteers

who get together and
build affordable homes.

They offer a hand up, not a
handout. Very well said, Al.

For this special Habitat project,
in association with the NFL,

we'll be providing some
celebrity volunteers -

some of the Detroit Lions,

from the Denver
Broncos, John Elway,

and the heavyweight champion
of the world, Evander Holyfield -

working with me,

and alongside us will be
common folk like Al and his friends.

Tim and I will both be in
charge of building a house,

and we're going to do
this in only three days.

(scoffs) Three days.

I'll build my house in one day.

That's including lunch, a nap
and two hours in a Porta-potty.

It's not a competition,
Tim. Really?

I bet you can't even
get near a Porta-potty

after I've been in
there two hours.

Hey, Randy...

check this out.

Looks like real gold.

Yeah. I found it in the alley.

Ashley's birthday's on Friday.

I was gonna get her
a new bike reflector,

but I think this is even better.

You think?

Oh, here comes Mom.

Don't tell her about the locket.

Hi, Brad. Oh. Hi, Mom.

Bye, Mom.

Hey, Randy. Hey, Dad.

Hi, honey.

Well, got dinner.
Barbecue from Bits-o-Pig.

Great, great.

Hey, uh, Marie and I
watched your show today.

Why?

There was nothing else good on.

You didn't tell me
that you were involved

in building those
houses for Habitat.

Didn't I mention it?

No, you didn't. I'd
really like to help.

That's why I didn't mention it.

It'd be fun. The two of us could
work together on the same team.

I don't really think that's
a good idea. Why not?

Well, I read somewhere that husbands
and wives shouldn't work together.

Where did you read that?

Husbands and Wives Shouldn't
Work Together Illustrated.

We get it down at work.

Hmm... I wonder what
they'd say about that

in that magazine that I get -

Married To An Idiot Monthly.

Jill, under normal circumstances
I'd love to have you with me,

but this is construction.

You just don't want a
woman on your team, is that it?

No. This is lifting,
loading, shoveling...

For that, you need
testosterone-pumping

muscle-churning,
bone-crushing male power.

Arr-arr-arr-arr-arr.

Ow.

Hi. Tim "The Tool
Man" Taylor here.

You all know my
assistant Al Borland.

We're here on location at a
Habitat for Humanity job site.

Al's team and my team
will be building a house

similar to this one that's
already been started.

That's right, Tim, although
one of us has stacked the deck.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Let's go down to the vacant
lot and meet the teams,

starting with the
winning one - mine.

All right, let's meet
Team Taylor, shall we?

John Elway from
the Denver Broncos.

Mile High guy, huh?
Good-looking man, too.

Sean Jones from the
Houston Oilers. Ano...

Another Mile High guy.

Looks good in
cotton, doesn't he?

All right. Bill Pickel
from the... Boy.

Little help, Tool Man?

New York Jets. All right. OK.

And then Ken O'Brien from...
Whoever will take me, Tim.

Philadelphia Eagles, of course.

Now, we also have
Evander Holyfield

and Kelvin Pritchett
from the Lions due here,

but they're not here yet.

I've been waiting since : in
the rain. Where are those guys?

Why don't you tell
Holyfield you're unhappy?

Well, maybe I will.

This could be interesting, huh?

You guys ready to get
some serious building done?

(all) Arr-arr-arr-arr-arr.

Let's go take a look
at Al's team, shall we?

(scoffs) Right.

Well, the first member of
Team Al I would like you to meet

is Tim's wife Jill.

Hi. I'm very happy to be out here
working for such a worthy cause.

Next we have...

the reigning Miss America,
Miss Kimberly Aiken.

Hi.

Welcome aboard. Thanks.

Hi, Kimberly. Tim Taylor.
Good to have you on. Hello.

You wearing that crown
under your hat there?

Yeah, and I have my evening
gown on under my overalls.

Really...?

This here is Gwen number one.

She's been working on Habitat
houses for what, ten years?

And this is Gwen number two.
She is a professional plumber.

And Denise here is
a master electrician.

Isn't that just dandy? This
team can build a house.

My team can bench-press a house.

Yeah, it'll make it a lot
easier to dust under it.

Well, you've met the teams.

Now we start
building, so stay tuned.

John, what are you doing?

Having a little breakfast
while we look at the plan.

Do I know you? Eric Hipple.

Eric Hipple.
Quarterback for the Lions.

Yeah. Didn't recognize you.
You're not flat on your back.

All right, guys,
let's get to work.

You're The Tool Man. What
do you want us to do first?

We're gonna build the walls

and then put 'em all
up together, same time.

It says here we should put
these walls up as we build 'em.

Yeah. That way
we know if it fits.

Eric's right, Tim. I think
we should stick to the plans.

(sighs)

John, you're a quarterback. You
don't always stick with the plans.

Yeah, but we're not playing
football, we're building a house.

All right, I'm gonna
say this once.

You guys know how to tackle, I
know how to spackle, all right?

(mumbles) Come on, get to work.

Hey, Holyfield.

Evander, give me the doughnut.

I don't think so, Tim.

Kelvin, where you been?

Tim, you gave me
wrong directions.

You should have checked
them twice. Right, Evander?

Hey, you gave me the
wrong directions, too. Did I?

Let's do the wall.
Wait a minute.

Do I jump in the ring
and tell you how to box?

Not like I would.

Why don't we build that house?

Nice-looking shirt.

(Aretha Franklin) ♪ This is
the house that Jack built, y'all

♪ Remember this house

♪ This was the land
that he worked by hand

♪ It was the dream
of an upright man

♪ There was the room
that was filled with love

♪ It was a love
that I was proud of

♪ This is the life,
the life that he planned

♪ On the love, the same old love

♪ In the house that Jack built
♪ The house that Jack built

♪ Remember this house

♪ There was the fence that
held our love ♪ Yes, it was

♪ There was the gate
that he walked out of

♪ This is the heart, it has
turned to stone ♪ Yes, it is

♪ This is the house,
it ain't no home

♪ This is the love
that I destroyed

♪ I can't believe
that I toyed with love

♪ In the house that Jack built
♪ The house that Jack built

♪ I'm gonn' remember this house

♪ Oh, what is the use of cryin'?

♪ You know I
brought it on myself

♪ There's no denyin'

♪ But it seems... ♪

Hey, Randy, great news.
Ashley loved the locket.

She's crazy about me. All right.

You know, this girl
thing is pretty easy.

Just gotta keep finding
jewelry in the street.

Hi, guys. Hey, boys.

Hey. Hi, Mom.

You were absolutely right.

Couples shouldn't work together.

If I were on your team,
I'd be way behind, too.

We're not way behind.
We're pacing ourselves.

And why do you turn
everything into a competition?

I just can't help it.

I guess it's just my
estrogen-pumping,

bone-crunching feminine side.

Sounds like Mom's
kicking your butt.

Yeah, with Al
and a team of girls.

You're losing to girls?

I wouldn't consider
Miss America a girl.

She's almost professional.

I heard in her
talent competition,

she put up dry wall.

And I'd be doing a lot better

if I wasn't stuck with a
bunch of lightweight wimps!

Hey, guys, let Marie in. OK.

Hi, Marie. Hi, Marie.

Jill, I'm so upset.
I lost my locket.

That gold one that you
were wearing yesterday?

My grandmother gave
that to me when I was little.

I can't find it anywhere.

Don't worry about
it. We'll help you.

These boys can find anything.

I know Brad can.

Look, Elway, I saw you
goofing around today,

and I'm not gonna
put up with this stuff.

What? Yes, I'd say
this to your face.

I might not be
yelling this loud.

No, you can't be
traded to Al's team.

Tomorrow I expect you
lifting something heavier

than a jelly doughnut.

And why don't you tell that

to your little friend
Holyfield, too?

Actually, I'd prefer
if you'd tell him.

Right, OK. Bye, John.

(bang) Oh!

Getting a little panicky, Tim?

I'm not panicking.

The guys just need
a little motivation.

What you guys
need is some women.

They build this house right,

I'll get 'em all the
women they want.

You had your chance
to get me on your team,

and you blew it.

All right, all right.

You wanna be on the team
tomorrow, you can be on the team.

Might as well just bring that
woman that does plumbing

and that other gal that
does the roof with you, too.

So you're ready to admit that
when it comes to building a house,

women are as good as men?

Why do you make
everything into a competition?

You should be more like
me. I think everybody's equal.

Since when?

I've always felt that way.

Men are in every way
as equal to women,

and women are in every
way as (coughs) to men.

Well, all I gotta say, Tim,

is my team of women is beating
the (coughs) out of your team of men.

Dad, I need to talk to you.

What about?

OK. All right.

What if you found
something in an alley,

gave it to your girlfriend...

Shh. Your mom doesn't
know about my girlfriend.

Dad... All right. Keep goin'.

And then you found out it belonged to
somebody else, and you had to get it back.

Wait a minute. Let
me get this straight.

You found
something in the alley.

You didn't bother to
find out the owner of it,

and you gave it
to your girlfriend?

Yeah?

Been there.

You gotta tell the truth.

The truth? Yeah, tell the truth.

Everything else
is a waste of time.

Women will see
right through you.

They'll make you pay.
(weather report on TV)

How do you know, Dad?

'Cause I've paid.

Oh, God, have I paid.

Hey, Tim, where you been?

We've been working out
here for hours in the rain.

It's intermittent, John. I
was buying an exhaust fan.

We already have an exhaust fan.

Not like this.

This baby will suck
the air out of a blimp.

Is that all you got done
since I've been gone?

Yeah. You got a problem
with that, Tool Man?

That's cotton, isn't it?

It's a cotton/rayon
mix or something. Nice.

We're doing the best we can,

considering our captain
spends all his time shopping.

This is all necessary
equipment. Right, Howard?

No, it isn't, and now
they're way ahead of us.

Oh, no.

Hey, Mr. Macho,
enjoying the rain?

It's intermittent.

And for your information,
we're way ahead over here.

(laughing) Yeah, right.

By the time you
get your siding up,

we'll be done and the owner
will be getting junk mail.

Well, hi-de-ho,
good Samaritan Tim.

Wilson? What are
you doing over there?

Well, Jill told me about the
project and asked me if I could help.

If you wanted to help, why
didn't you join my team?

Well, Tim, aren't we
all on the same team?

No. And your team
seems to be winning.

Tim, this isn't a question
of winning and losing.

Perhaps you're familiar

with the great German
philosopher Immanuel Kant.

He said, "Idee zu einer allgemeinen
Geschichte in weltburgerlicher Absicht."

Ain't that the truth.

Well, Tim, all he's saying is,

the important part of generosity
is generosity of the spirit.

Oh, yeah. You gotta
have spirit, don't you?

Hey, Wilson, what are
you doing out there?

I was just explaining to your
husband the meaning of benevolence.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put a
cork in it and get back to work.

Why don't you go tell
her what you just told me?

Jill? Idee zu einer...

(♪ rock on TV)

(switches TV off)

Um, Ashley... about the locket.

Would it be all
right if I took it back

and got something even nicer?

Like what?

Um, how about a
bicycle reflector?

Hi, Brad. Hi, Ashley.

Oh, hi, Mrs.
Taylor. Look what...

No!

Brad...

What are you doing?

You looked like
you needed a hug.

Oh. That's so sensitive.

Brad's always been the
sensitive one in the family.

Try not to be so sensitive, OK?

Oh, gosh.

I am so sore.

But not as sore as your father.

Um, come on, Ashley.
I'll walk you home,

and, um, we can talk about
what else I can get you,

you know, some other time.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, Brad.

(doorbell rings) (Jill)
Brad, get the door!

OK! I'll meet you
in the backyard. OK.

(doorbell rings)

Nice greeting.

Hi, Marie. Hi, Jill. Do you
guys have a staple g*n?

I wanna put up fliers about
the locket I lost. (knock on door)

Why is Ashley in the backyard?

Uh, she doesn't have one,
so I said she could use ours.

Brad, what is going
on here? Nothing.

Um... I think I saw the
staple g*n in the garage.

Right. I'll go get it. Yeah.

Hey, butthead.

Hi, Marie. Hi, Tim.

Brad. Well, how'd it
go with your girlfriend?

I think I'm almost
out of the woods.

Oh, how many times
I've said those words.

Brad, look what happened.
The chain on my locket broke.

Let me take a
look at it, Ashley.

It's nothing. I can fix it with my
needle-nose pliers in the garage.

No, Dad, don't go in
the garage. Why not?

Tim! Oh, you found my locket.

No, this is Ashley's.
I'm just fixing the thing.

Yeah, that's my locket.
Brad gave it to me.

No, no. Honey, my
grandmother gave me this locket.

Oh... Oh. Looks like somebody
here didn't tell the truth!

Brad?

Brad?

Tim?

Don't look at me.

I told him to tell the truth.

Well, I guess I'm gonna
have to pay, huh, Dad?

Oh, God, are you gonna pay.

Well, the tension is
mounting at this Habitat site.

We're waiting for
the final inspection.

There's the inspector now.
He just looked at Al's house.

Judging by the look on
his face, he's not too happy.

Larry, go in and see if you
can see what they're saying.

Al, Jill... you did
an exceptional job.

In fact, I think you
built the perfect house.

Thank you, Inspector. Thank you!

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

Well, the inspectors are
overly polite sometimes.

They appreciate hard work.

And after we come
back, we're gonna see

the Tim Taylor...
"more perfect" house.

Oh, Tim, looks like our house

is gonna be pretty hard to beat.

Jill, this isn't a
competition. I know it's not.

You're darn right it's not. Elway,
come on. Let's go bask in our glory.

OK, guys, stand by.

And , , , ...

Welcome back. Now the
moment we've all been waiting for.

A little gander at my
house. Come on in.

Inspector, I think you're
gonna be remarkably impressed

with the quality of workmanship.

Let's go in.

Doorknobs were
Elway's department.

This is very nice. Thank you.

I like the archway.

Well, we, um... we
didn't go by just the plans.

We actually made some
improvements in the house

on our own.

Wait till you see the
kitchen. Come on in.

Those upper
cabinets are equipped

with fully concealed
adjustable hinges,

and we installed a reverse
osmosis water filtration system.

(sucking/clicking sounds)

Should have never put
Holyfield in charge of plumbing.

Look at the rest of the house. The kitchen
needs a little work, but come on this way.

Look at this bathroom here, huh?

Yeah, that's nice. That's great.

You gotta try our new
exhaust fan, though.

At least try that. First
switch here. Custom.

(whooshing)

The living room. It's our
pride and joy. Try that.

I'll try to find that hat.

Jill, guess what I got.

A video from President Carter.

Good guess.

His office called
to see if we got it.

Well, we did. This is great.

It's his thank-you or something.

Let's watch.

Hi, Tim, Al and Jill.

I'd like to thank you
for your participation

in our Habitat for
Humanity housing blitz.

You're welcome.

Al and Jill, the house you built

is a perfect example
of what can happen

when caring people band
together for a common goal.

And Tim... what can I say?

Crews are working
round the clock

to repair the house you built.

Oh, yeah. Rosalynn
would like a picture of Al.

Let's tape over this.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Try
our special exhaust fan.

It's right here.

(cackling)

Wait...