07x11 - Maybe Baby

[bunniefuu]

** [harmonica]

Hi.
Hey.

Fred's taking Andy
to the ballgame.

I wanted you to see how cute
he looked before they left.

Oh, you look
real cute, Fred.

No!

Look at Andy's little outfit.

Oh, he's so sweet.

Sweet?

You hear that, Jackie?

You're dressing our
boy to look sweet.

Oh, did I say sweet?
I meant dainty.

You know, if we want him
to grow up to be a man,

we should dress him
like a man.

Why? I think the burping and
drooling should cover that.

I'm the one who dresses
him every morning.

I'm gonna choose
what he wears.

I am this kid's father,
and I should have

as much say in it
as his mother does.

Well, Fred, if you ever
pass a kidney stone,

we'll let you
dress that up.

Andy, we gotta go.

I can feel these uterine
walls closing in on us.

So, tomorrow, get the results
of the second amnio test.

Thinking good thoughts?

Yeah, I had
one of them, once.

You and Dan doing okay?

No, he's being
a total jerk.

Really?

Yeah, alls he thinks about
is himself, you know?

He's worried that
a sick baby might be

an inconvenience to him,

so he's trying to hint around
that I should have an abortion.

Oh, I'm sure he knows
it's your decision.

I mean, he must respect
your right to choose.

Yeah, well, as long as
I choose to agree with him.

[Dan]
Hey, we're out of shampoo.

Well, since when did you
become too good for Tide?

Forget I asked.

When are you gonna
go paint that crib?

I want to get started
on the nursery.

Well, I thought we'd
wait until, you know...

Until what, Dan?
Just say what you mean.

Fine, you want me
to paint the crib?

I'll paint the crib.
What the hell is your--

Hey, D.J.,
what do you say?

Mr. Brand New Turtleneck!

What are you guys
yelling about?

We're not yelling.

Yes, we're just practicing

for when we're old
and we can't hear.

D.J., why don't
you get out of here?

I haven't had
any breakfast.

Okay, here.
Take this. Go.

He doesn't know?

No, he's too young.

And he's not gonna find
out, right, Roseanne?

Well, I don't know, Dan,
I think we should tell him.

And then we should go out and
tell the whole neighborhood.

How else are they all gonna
vote on what I should do?

I mean it, Roseanne.

Until we decide on this,

I don't think
we should worry the boy.

You're right, you know?

He was pushing you.

I thought Dan was
better then that.

Why?
He's a man.

You know, this is
the only area in the world
that they can't control,

and it drives them crazy,
'cause it doesn't come
with a remote.

Hey, do you know that
we're out of shampoo?

Yeah, well,
I'll wear a hat.

** [blues rock]

[laughing]

** [video game]

[laughs]

** [video game]

Son?

Yeah?

I don't think I properly
explained camping to you.

At least it's quiet in here.

What do you mean?

You and Mom are
always yelling.

Well, son, that's
just what we do.

We're not readers.

I know it's different
this time.

So what are you
fighting about?

Well, I guess I should
probably tell you.

It's--

It's about your
Christmas gift.

Really?
Yeah.

See, I think you're
old enough to handle
that dirt bike you wanted,

but your mom's
thinking clothes.

So that's all
the fighting's been about?

Hey.

Everything's gonna be
fine, I promise.

All right.
Huh?

Dan?

Dan, I would like
to talk with you alone.

D.J., get out of here.

I don't have to do
what you tell me.

You're not my parent.

One...

Two...

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Dan?

Go.

Okay.

You are lucky I didn't
make it all the way
to seven, young man!

I can't believe you're
treating Roseanne this way.

Jackie, it's none
of your business.

It is my business.
She's my sister.

And you are trying to push her
to do something that she
might not want to do.

I'm not pushing her.
This is her decision.

Oh, no, no, you don't
really mean that.

Yes, I do.

I don't agree with it,
but I accept it.

I'm not trying
to tell her what to do.

Well, no, not straight out,
you're not.

You just hint and imply

and, uh--

you know, hint.

No, I don't.

Really?

Shouldn't we wait to paint
the crib, Roseanne,

until...you know.

Why don't you just tie her
to the examining table

and tell the doctor
what you want done?

Stop it.

Who do you think you are?

I said that because I thought

if we got the news tomorrow
and it was bad,

and Roseanne--not me!--
but Roseanne

decided to have
an abortion,

it might be hard for her
to come home to a
freshly-painted baby bed.

I'm not trying
to influence her.

I'm trying to help
her through this.

Every time I open my mouth,
she shuts me out.

Okay, I'm sorry.

You know, you're not--
you're not gonna tell me

that Roseanne is
the only person
you're thinking of, here,

because you know what
you want her to do.

Yeah, if it
was up to me,

and there was something
really wrong with the baby,

I'd want her
to have an abortion.

Have you thought about
how hard that might
be for Roseanne?

Do you realize
how selfish that is?

Is that what you think?

[sighs]

Why don't you just
leave me alone, Jackie?

I'm not trying
to be selfish.

I mean, what if
they baby's born wrong?

What if it's born without
a brain, or something?

[sniffs]

What would that do
to the family, huh?

What would that
do to Roseanne?

Oh, Dan.

I'm afraid its gonna
wreck our marriage.

I mean, look how well
we've handled this stress.

I'm sorry, I had no idea.

That's all right.
Just...

I'd like to be
alone right now.

Okay.

Jackie, that's
the opposite
of alone.

I don't like that, either.

No.

I'll get this
back to you.

Hey, Dan!

Hey, Fred!
Been drinking?

Yeah.

Okay, then we're
playing for money.

So how you doing?

I called you because I figured
you probably had your fill

of fighting with Roseanne.

Oh, you're late, Fred.
You should have
called in .

I heard she pretty much
shut you out.

Nah, she still talks to me.

Every now and again,
she'll point at me and go,

[demonic voice]
"You."

I'm really sorry, man.
Oh, well, thanks.

Listen, I know
it's none of my business,

but would you mind if
I said something to you

about all this?

Yeah, sure.

As long as you keep it short
and you don't try to hug me.

Oh, well...

Now there's no point.

Look, I just don't think
you'd be a terrible person

if you demanded some control

over what Roseanne's gonna do.

"Roseanne" and "demand."

Two words that go
together like...

"waffle iron" and "forehead."

Look, having a kid...
It's half yours.

This is a / proposition.

Yeah, when it
finally comes out.

You gotta admit, Fred,
this is different.

Is it?

I mean, Roseanne and I always
make the big decisions

about the kids together.

Sometimes she gets her way,
sometimes I get my way.

Oh, okay.
Forget it.

No, I mean it.

It's like the time I kicked
David out of the house.

She didn't like it,
but I got my way.

Yeah, but then you let
David move right back
in again, didn't you?

Then she got her way.

You see? / .

Hey, Dan, I'm not
saying it's your fault.

You know, Jackie's
the same way.

They have the kids,
so they figure that
they own them.

Well, maybe that's the way
it is at your house, Fred,

but me and Roseanne are okay.

Hey, Dan, you're
forgetting something.

I've been to your house.

I've seen the dents
in the ceiling

from every time
she says jump.

Hey, pal,

at least I don't let
my wife dress my son up

like a girl.

I'm not saying Jackie
doesn't try to push me around.

But at least I still
put up a fight.

Hey, don't tell me
I don't fight.

I fight plenty, and I'm
not shadowboxing like you.

I'm hitting the heavy bag.

And you're way
behind on points.

Yeah, I don't need this.

Lucky I don't get Roseanne
over here to kick your butt.

Mom, I'm hungry.

Yeah, well, I did kind of
cheat you on breakfast,

so, how 'bout I'll make
you a great snack?

Okay.

Got your message.
What's up?

D.J., get out of here.

Where's my snack?

Here you go.
Go!

Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.

I was just wondering if you
could get Leon to take
your shift tomorrow morning.

Probably, why?

'Cause I want you to go to
the doctors with me and Dan.

No, I--

I really think it's
something that you two

ought to do alone, together.

Come on, Jackie.

I might have a really hard
decision to make tomorrow,

and I want some support
from somebody that gets it.

Dan'll support you.
That's what he's there for.

No, he's there to push
his opinion on me,

and I do not need
to get bad news

and look over at that face
and know what it's thinking.

He's not gonna push
his ideas on you.

Have you really sat down
and talked to Dan about this?

Why would I do that?

What are you, a man, now?
Did you grow a kickstand?

I...talked to Dan.

You talked to Dan about this?
Yes.

Yes, and I thought that
he made some very good points.

He's worried about what
a sick baby might do to you.

Roseanne, he's thinking
about the whole family.

Oh, so you're on
his side, now.

[stammers]
No, it's still your decision.

He just want to be heard.

I heard him!

He loves you, Roseanne!

So you think I should
do what he says, right?

No one is trying
to control you.

Yes, they are, Jackie.
You just don't get it.

This is not Dan's decision
and it is not yours.

I have to make it,
and I have to live with it.

You're not listening to me.

Get out.

Roseanne!

No, I'm serious.
Get the hell out of here
and leave me alone.

You okay?

No, I lost my tiara.

What were you and
Aunt Jackie
fighting about?

Which one of us
is the prettiest.

Whose side are you on?

Everything's fine, D.J.

Are you sick?

What are you
asking me that for?

'Cause everybody's
fighting and whispering.

Like they were at
Ralph's house last year,

when his mom was sick.

No, I'm not sick.

Then what's going on here?

I mean, you can't still
be arguing about
my Christmas present

like Dad said.

Well, I don't agree
with your father, D.J.

I don't think
it's right to buy

everyone a present
except you.

Well, when Ralph's mom
needed an operation,

they lied to him, too.

Come here.

Okay, I'm gonna tell
you the truth

because you're not
a little kid anymore.

I'm okay, but, um...

There's a chance that
something's wrong
with the baby.

Oh.

Yeah, so, I have to, uh--

make a decision whether
to have it or not.

You mean you might
have an abortion?

Uh, yeah.
Yeah, that.

Maybe.
I don't know.

It's just a very, very
complicated decision, D.J.

Why?

Because I have wanted to
have a baby for a long time.

Well, if you decide
not to have a baby,

when you come back
from the hospital,

we can take care of you.

Hey, I know you're gonna
be a man someday,

but, see,
you cannot do this.

Do what?

No man has any right
to tell any woman

what she should do
in a situation like this.

I'm not.

I'm just saying that,

if you do have the baby
and it's sick,

we can take care of
the baby, too.

So you mean,
you're saying, like,

uh...

what, that you would support
any decision I make?

Yeah.

Oh, well...
Thanks.

Thanks a lot, D.J.

It really makes
me feel better

that you can
handle the truth.

Good.

So am I getting
a dirt bike for Chris--
No.

Where the hell's that doctor?

I don't know.

Boy, I hope he's driving
a truck for the city some day,

and he has a break down.

Then we'll see who's
waiting for who.

Hey, look at this.

He's got three kids.

Man, if that's what he
thinks kids look like,

how's he gonna know if
something's wrong with ours?

Listen, honey, no matter
what this doctor says...

I'm gonna want to
talk about this.

I'm sorry to keep
you waiting.

Oh, no, that's okay.

We still have four bottles
of beer on the wall.

Well, then, take one down
and pass it a--

Yeah, okay.

The results of a second amnio
indicate that, apparently,

this first test was
contaminated.

The second sample shows
that everything
is developing normally.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

You mean the kid's okay?

That's right.

Hallelujah.

I'm sure you two would like
to have some time alone.

Congratulations.
Take all the time you want.

Oh, oh, by the way:
it's a girl.

Oh, my God,
it's a little girl.

Oh, boy, another daughter.

She'll be able to wear
hand me downs

from Jackie's boy.

Hey, I'm really sorry, Dan.

I know, I was, like,
pushing you away all week.

And...

I wasn't a very good wife.

No, man, I know.
That's okay.

You've been through a lot.

At least we're partners
again, right?

/ ?

God, I just couldn't
stand not knowing.

I was so scared.

Hey, I haven't been
that great, either.

Oh, come on, Dan.
This is my apology, okay?

Let me be the ass.
You always get to be the ass.

Okay, as of tonight,
you are the biggest
ass in the world.

Could this day possibly
get any better?

We are gonna celebrate
so huge, tonight.

Anything you
want for dinner.

Oh, great.
Let's finish off
D.J.'s Halloween candy.

Well, I already had that
celebration without ya.

All right, then we'll just
have a romantic dinner

and finish off with
an R-rated movie.

Oh, yeah?
I've got a better idea.

We skip dinner and we'll
make our own R-rated movie.

Okay, but I only appear naked

if it's tasteful
and organic to the plot.

[laughs]

Hey, something's different.

What?

Not only did God help our baby,
but he cleaned our kitchen.

What are you doing
with all this?

They were all over upstairs.

I mean under my bed,
in Becky's room.

There's even a piece
of birthday cake
in the bathroom!

I was saving that.

Well, D.J., your mother
and I are very proud of you

for covering up whatever
you've done in such
a clever way.

I just thought
I'd help out.

I mean, I felt really
bad about the baby.

That's so sweet, D.J.

But you know what?
There's nothing
to worry about,

'cause we just saw the doctor,
and he said the baby's fine.

It is?

Yeah, but I think
it'd be a lot better

if you went and
cleaned up the backyard.

D.J., you don't have
to do any more.

Thanks.

Why did you tell D.J.
the baby might be sick?

What?

I thought we talked
and we agreed

that we weren't gonna
say anything to the kids.

Well, we didn't.
I did.

Well, you should'a asked me.

Why?

Because we agreed.

Well, I changed our mind.

Really / , Roseanne.

What's your problem?

Aw, fine. Nothing.
I don't have a problem.

Well, great.

So...

Well, what do you want
to do to celebrate?

Well, you wanted me to
paint that baby bed.

I might as well get on it.

Say, dear, isn't Roseanne
and Dan's little girl

today?

I know.

I sent her a birthday gift,

and I also got a little
something for her two kids.

You know, that reminds me.
D.J. called today.

He finally got that
big promotion.

Oh, that's great.

He has wanted to get on
that trapeze for years.

Ooh, where's our
little Andy?

That kid is gonna miss
his football game.

Oh, don't worry, dear.

I don't think they're
gonna start without him.

After all, he is
the captain of the squad.

Do you remember how you
used to complain about
the way I dressed him?

Hey, Andy!

Hurry up there, buddy boy!

Will you guys stop yelling?

I'm ready.

Now, son, before you go out
there on that field today,

your mom and I, we just
want to tell you one thing.

We are so proud of you.

You've turned into one
fine strapping young man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where are my pom-poms?

Right where you left them.

Up by your purse.

Yep, that boy's gonna break
a few hearts one day.

[laughs]

Why do I drink so much?