07x12 - The Parenting Trap

[bunniefuu]

** [harmonica]

Ah, Santa's workshop.

Can I go in on something
with you this year for Mom?

God, that's who I forgot.

You owe me cents.

Hi, David.
Hi, Dinah.

Hey.

We're just bringing my
stuff up to D.J.'s room

so Darlene can have the
basement when she gets home.

Hey, Dinah.

Looks like someone's
in the kitchen with ya.

Well, yeah, you are.

* Strumming on the old banjo *

Why couldn't Dinah
have married Mark?

Then I wouldn't have to
know either one of them.

You're the one that
pushed David

to start dating again
in the first place.

You can't go slamming
his first attempt.

I'm not gonna slam her.

I'm just gonna
let Darlene sniff around
at her for a while,

and then I'll let
go of the leash.

Hey, hey!
Don't you have
something to tell me?

Oh, yeah.
I love you, Mom.

No, not that.

Your teacher,
Mrs. Holmes, called,

and she wants to see me
and your dad at school.

I really love
you, Mom.

Bye!

Why didn't you just
tell me she was gonna call?

I coulda done that
no hablas englais bit.

Hey, you guys.

Now I'm in the
kitchen with you.

[chuckles]

I tried to
explain it to her.

Hold on, Roseanne.
You're doing great.

[Darlene]
Hey, I'm home!

Oh, Darlene, I can't
wait 'til you see

what I got you
for Christmas.

In fact, it's kind of
a present for both of us.

I love what you've
done with the place.

It's a real pit.

Oh, now, Darlene, no need
to insult the house.

We have a guest.

Hey, David.

Hey, Darlene.

How's Jimmy?

Good.

Great.
This is Dinah.

Hey, Darlene,

Dinah here's a cheerleader.

What do you
think of that, huh?

Cool.

Yeah, we have to--

We have to finish
bringing my stuff
up to D.J.'s room.

Now.

Well, Darlene, it was
nice meeting you.

I'll see you later.

Bye.

You were so sweet.

Who taught you to behave
that way to company?

Well, what, would you
rather I was mean to her?

Well, yeah,
somebody has to be.

And I'm the Mom,
so it can't be me.

Well, I'm glad
David's with her.

I mean, it makes me
not have to feel guilty.

I'm not gonna be mean
to her just for your sake.

Well, you are one selfish
little girl, Darlene.

** [blues rock]

[laughing]

Hi.

We're Roseanne
and Dan Conner.

Thank you both for coming.

I'm sorry to have to pull
you away from work.

Hey, nothing's more important
to me than my son's education.

So is D.J. acting up, Mrs...

Teacher?

Oh, D.J.'s behavior
is wonderful.

But I'm afraid he's
not progressing as well
as we'd hoped

with his homework assignments.

Oh, well...

Dan and I would like
to help him out more,

but there's just so many
great things on TV these days.

Every day, I choose
one of the students

to put his homework
answers on the board,

and whenever I pick D.J.,

he says he didn't
understand the assignment.

I think we should
consider the possibility

that your son is,
shall we say,

special.

Uh, do you mean
special as in...

"The sporting goods store
is having a special

on dumbbells?"

That's not what
I said, Mrs. Conner.

I'm just saying that
your son might need
a little more attention.

Perhaps after the holidays,

we could try putting him
in our "Explorer" class.

Explorer, huh?

What are they exploring?
Coming in out of the rain?

D.J. can't be dumb.

He's the only one in the family
that can keep score in bowling.

I've seen this sort
of thing before.

If we don't do
something soon,

it could create serious
self-esteem problems for him.

Gee.

Sounds serious, Dan.

Well, forget about it.
He's just being lazy.

Don't worry about it.

From now on, he'll be
hitting the books

or the books'll be
hitting him.

Wrong, Dan.
We're not gonna punish him.

We're gonna support him.

And for a lot longer
than we thought.

Uh, just so I know,

and I gonna have any say
in how we handle our kid?

Oh, yeah.

We'll split up the tasks
like we always do.

I'll handle it,
and you'll make sure

there's fresh batteries
in the remote control.

Perhaps you'd like
to discuss this--

Oh, there's nothing
to discuss, here.

We always do things her way.

I knew there was no reason
for me to be here.

I'm sorry about this,
Mrs. Conner.

Don't worry about it.

That's what you get when
you marry an explorer.

[Roseanne]
No, she was serious.

The teacher's totally
convinced that D.J. is stupid.

I guess she's never seen
his mashed potato castles.

That's weird.

How are you guys
gonna handle it?

Excuse me, I can see
I'm just in the way, here.

I'll just leave.

Well, make sure you
send a check every month.

You oughta go
easy on him, Roseanne,

'cause he was talking
to Fred down at work,

and I think he's
really pretty upset.

About what?

Evidently, the whole thing
that you guys went through

with the pregnancy
and the way you

boxed him out of
that decision

made him feel like
he doesn't have
an equal say with the kids.

Well, that's stupid.
They're not even
the same thing.

You know, when
the kid's in my body,

I make all the decisions,
but you know me.

As soon as I drop it
out on the table,

they're up for grabs.

That's not true.

Why not throw him a bone

and let him handle this one?

Dan needs to know that
you have faith in him.

Oh, all right, yeah.

He can handle it.

He is a wonderful father.

How'd that sound?

Dan!

Hey, Dan.

I was thinking, uh--

Well, I think you should handle
this D.J. and school thing.

Oh, really?

Well, that's not what
you said this afternoon.

Well, a lot of stuff has
changed since this afternoon.

You know, like, I realize he's
not my little boy anymore.

He's getting to be a man.

Except for that
plastic sheet on his bed.

Okay, I'll talk to him.

Well, that's great,
'cause I know you'll
do a great job.

Yeah?
Yeah.

You mean it?
Yeah.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Why don't you bounce off me
what you're gonna say to D.J.?

You know...

I'm sure it will
be fine, and everything,

but maybe this way, I could
learn something, okay?

Okay, I'll be D.J.

Okay.

Well, Deej,

uh, being a student
is really important

because someday soon,
you're gonna be out
in the real world,

and you're gonna wanna be
smart enough to know

when you're getting
hosed by your wife.

Come on, Dan--
Don't interrupt me, son.

Dan.

And I think
you're a little young

to be calling your father Dan.

Aw, shove it.

Ah ha!

I can still take you
over my knee, young man.

He'll do fine, Roseanne.

Yeah, I guess he can't
do D.J. any harm.

And if he does, well,
there's plenty more
where he came from.

[Mark]
Man, these Christmas lights
are pretty tangled.

Dan, why don't you just
buy a new string this year?

Well, that'd be a fairly
large investment, Fred.

Geez, Dan, why didn't you just
take a little time last year

and put those things
away carefully when
you took them down?

Yeah, like that's how I want
to spend my Easter Sunday.

Guys, let me ask
you something.

Did you ever have
any trouble in school?

Yeah, you know.
Every once in a while.

How come?

Well, D.J.'s slacking off,
and his teacher
thinks he's stupid.

And I made this big stink
to Roseanne about how
I could handle it.

Yeah? So?

Now it's like
this big test,

and if I blow it,

she'll never let me
hear the end of it.

Look, I talk to the kid, and
I know what his problem is.

Well...

You know what
his problem is.

I need to know what
his problem is.

Impasse.

[shouting]
What?

Well, D.J. told me that
his teacher makes them

write their stuff
on the board.

And he can't stand up
because he's, uh...

Well, he's embarrassed.

You're losing me here, Mark.

Well, he can't stand up
because, you know,

people will see.

And you know,
he's now,

and sometimes
things, you know...

Sometimes things happen.

So you're trying to say

that D.J.'s at that age

where he wants to
go up to the blackboard,

but little D.J.
won't let him.

Oh, you mean he's at that age

where, on a sunny day,
he could be laying on his back

and tell time
without a watch.

No, man, it's nothing
to do with telling the time.

The kid's getting erections.

So I told him
just to sit there

and pretend
he didn't know anything,

and that way he wouldn't
get called up to the board.

Oh!
[laughs]

What a relief.

Hell, I can
handle this.

Here, I was worried
about D.J. being stupid.

Turns out it's just you.

Well, what was I supposed
to say to the kid, Dan?

Well, it's not that
difficult a problem, Mark.

We've all been there.

We've all figured out
how to deal with this

when we were his age.

I always found that
nobody was any the wiser

if I just kept
my shirt untucked.

Oh, an untucker, were you?

I occasionally employed
that device, myself.

Usually, however I took
the more scholarly approach.

Put a book in front of it.

Yeah, a book was good.

If you didn't have a book,

you just had to
stick your hands
in your pockets.

That's usually how
mine started.

You know, back at that age,
it didn't even have

much to do with girls.

Damn thing'd pop up
and say, "Howdy-do"

for any reason.

You know what
usually set me off

was the vibrations
on the school bus.

All through junior high,

I dreamed of being
a bus driver.

You sure D.J.'s
gonna be okay

with you talking
about all this?

Oh, I'm sure he will.

Hey, it was kind of
fun for us, wasn't it?

That's the nice thing
about those coveralls
at work, you know?

Hey, David.

I like that Dinah girl.
She was nice.

I broke up with her.

Why?

I really don't
want to talk about it.

Well, what was
wrong with her?

Is there some guy
already living in her
parent's basement?

She wasn't right for me.

And I'm not interested
in dating just anybody.

Oh, come on, David.

You get bucked off
one cheerleader,

you gotta just climb
right back up on another.

I think I've been spoiled.

I mean, I know there are
other women out there

that I could really
connect with,

so I think I should
just hold out.

Well, every relationship's
not gonna be like you and me.

I mean, you have
to get over me.

What makes you so sure
that I'm talking about you?

Fine, then, who are
you talking about?

Nobody.

Just leave me alone.

No, I mean, come on.

If there's another
girl, great.

Are you gonna
ask her out?

No.
Well, why not?

Because she belongs
to somebody else,

and I can't have her.

You have to stop
torturing yourself.

I mean, you got
to get over me

for the sake of
both of us.

Hey, what are you
guys doing?

Just a few seconds ago,
we blew this whistle

that only dumb
blondes can hear.

Fine.

Hey, we still on
for coffee later?

Yeah. Is : okay?
Sure.

Oh, and I read
that book you gave me.

I can't wait to
talk to you about it.

[laughs]

What book?
Horton Hears a Who?

This is between
me and David.

[scoffs]

You and Becky?
Oh man, I don't
believe this.

I don't care
what you believe.

Oh, but you should.

I mean, your little
plan has worked.

It's like, now I feel like
I have to keep up with her.

In fact, I'm gonna get
the meat suck out of my head

and injected into my breasts.

You know, you don't even
know your sister.

She's a much cooler person
than you realize.

Oh, David, cut the act.
I'm not buying it.

This is not an act.

I like spending
time with Becky.

And if you ever
gave her a chance,

you'd learn she has
some very interesting
things to say.

Boy, does she ever.

Just yesterday,
she said to me,

"Life is like
a box of chocolates."

I can't get the stain
off this plate.

Let me see it.

Well, this is
a Christmas plate.

You scrubbed off
the last wise man.

[Jingle Bells tune]
* Walking through the house,
looking for a beer *

* Open up the ice box door *

* Oh, my!
There's one right here *

What are you so
happy about?

Happy? Me?
Never.

Well, so?

Did you talk to D.J.?

I mean, I know
you did, but did ya?

Yes.

Suffice it to say,
your son is not stupid,

and the problem
has been solved.

By me.

That's all that I am
at liberty to divulge.

You better tell me, Dan.

Don't make me get out
the dental tools.

It seems as though D.J.
was getting...

in class, at least...

Well, probably other
times as well, I'm sure,

but definitely in class,

D.J. was getting--

What, picked on?
Pushed?

Stabbed?

D.J. was getting erections.

God, why couldn't
he just be stupid?

Now, it's no big deal.

He's .

It'll go away by
the time he's in his s.

Trust me.

Well, he better not be
having that problem
around here.

Well, of course not.
Not with his mom around.

You're the antidote.

You think boys were
having that problem
when we were in school?

Uh, no, Jackie, this
must be a new problem.

God, this is serious, Dan.

He must be feeling
really scared and confused.

What'd you say to him?

Never fear.

I just gave him one
of the great secrets

that's been passed down
from father to son

since the invention
of the printed word.

Told him to put
a book in front of it.

Well, that is great.

Idn't that great, Roseanne?

Oh, absolutely.

It's about time he
got some use out
of them schoolbooks.

I take it you approve?

Oh, yeah, I think
you did great.

You're a great father, Dan.

You are the mother
of all fathers.

Thank you,
thank you,
thank you.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go read the paper,

check Dear Abby for errors.

Way to go, big fella.

Now, Roseanne, he tried.

He did the best
that he could.

Well, his best was
very, very bad.

You know, I'm sure this is a
big emotional thing for D.J.

What do you say to a kid
that has that problem?

Well...

You look him in the eye,
and nowhere else,

and, uh...

You tell them that puberty's
just a really rough time
in their life.

And their body's going
through a lot of changes,

and they're not a freak.

Okay, well, tell that to Dan.

Let him talk to D.J. again.

No, I'm not
gonna risk that.

What if he screws up
even worse?

D.J. will wind up
climbing a tower

with a big book in
front of his r*fle.

Oh, there you are.

Haven't seen you all day.
What'cha doing?

Well, I'm watching this
Christmas movie
with Jimmy Stewart.

Okay, yeah.
They would be
better off without him.

Well, so...

You're sure growing up.

And that's great, because
that is what kids do.

They grow up.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

I know.

You know, uh...

When I was , something
really embarrassing
happened to me.

You know, I never thought
I would get over it.

What?

Well...

You know, the junior high
had a dance, and, uh...

your grandma had bought me
this real pretty white dress

and in the middle
of the dance,

I looked down at the dress,

and there was a, uh--

very noticeable stain.

What was it?

Well, D.J., it seems that

I was going through
what all the girls
were going through

at a certain age.

I was having my first period.

Oh, my God!

I don't want to hear it!
I don't want to hear it!

Whoa, what's going on?

Mom told me a story I don't
want to hear anymore!

Well, that's no
reason for you

to go running out of the room
screaming like a maniac.

It was about her
having her period!

As you were.

[screaming]

What are you doing?

I was just trying
to let him know

he's not the only
-year-old

that had an
embarrassing moment.

Oh, no, not
the white dress story.

I was trying to help
him with his problem.

I helped him.

Look, he's doing
his homework.

You made him feel ashamed.

I don't want him to be
emotionally scarred.

Well, you're right,
it was just I couldn't
think of anything

that would send him
screaming from the room

like you did.

I just thought that you
might have screwed things up.

You never did have
any faith in me.

You lied to me.

All right, I lied to you.

What do you want
me to do, say I'm sorry?

Okay, I'm sorry.

I wanted you to
handle the D.J. thing

so you would get over
feeling left out as a parent.

I--I did a horrible thing.

I lied and I'm sorry.

Oh, to hell with that.

I want to hear you say
that your way was wrong

and my way was right.

Girl story, bad.
Book, good.

Yeah, well, whatever.

No, no, no, no, no, noooooo.

Say it.

Okay.

You did way better than
I thought your would have.

Better than you.

Better than most.

Better than you.

Okay, you did
better than me.

Are you happy, now?

Why, if were any happier,
I'd need a book.

Oh, come on, Neil,
give us a break.

It's just a normal,
everyday biological function,

We have to call it something.

I'm sorry, Roseanne.

None of these expressions
are acceptable

on network television.

Okay, well, what about
"pitching a trouser tent?"

No.

"Booting up the hard drive?"

No.

"Charming the anaconda?"

What the anaconda?

Charming.

No.

Uh, "raising the drawbridge?"

No.

"Popping a wheelie?"

No!

"Standing up for democracy?"

No!

"Waving to your chin?"

No.

There's absolutely, positively

no way any of these are
gonna get on the air.

Too late.

Is that on?

Aw, [bleep].